First encounter

A man in his early 20s entered the hall grasping everyone's attention. "Good afternoon guys, I am Min Daehan, a clinical psychologist who is assigned as a counselor at your school", he introduced himself. I usually don't observe people carefully but the moment my eyes landed on him, I could describe that man pretty accurately. He was dressed in a beige coloured sweater that went perfectly with his fair complexion. His round eyes were filled with both confidence and authority. His lips were plump and pink as if he used a tint. His cheeks looked soft and squishy. He was neither too tall nor too short, at an average height one could say. Overall, he had a boy-next-door vibes despite having cold expressions on his face. Maybe he tried to look like that so people would open up to him easily.

We were given a sheet of paper in which we had to answer the questions related to our mental health. Recently, I read an article online related to depression. I even took a test for it, and the results said that I was suffering from severe depression and should consult a doctor as soon as possible. I don't believe everything that I read online but this was something I couldn't get out of my head. The things I have experienced in the past few years and the way I feel right now, it seems real. I wanted to go see a doctor but the mere thought of how my father would react to this made my determination weak.

"Are you having a hard time understanding any question?" I snapped out of my thoughts and looked at the person beside me. His lips curve up into a smile as our eyes met causing my heart to beat at a faster pace. "No", I smiled mirroring the expression on his face. "If you have something you want to share personally, you can write it on the back side of the paper", he said before walking to the next person.

I am not able to understand what exactly I am feeling these days. I am not enjoying things that I usually like doing. I keep running away from my friends. I avoid talking to anybody and just want to be alone. I have started to hate the way I feel but still I can't stop myself from always being on the edge.

I tried to describe my current feelings in short and precise words. After I was done with my task, I shifted my attention towards the man of the hour Mr. Min. He looks like someone trustworthy. Will I be able to tell him the reason for all the feelings that I have? I wonder in what way he would react after knowing my reality.

As days passed by, my overthinking kept increasing more and more. As a result, I was unable to concentrate on things that were important. At every little inconvenience, it felt like the only solution is to die. Every night before going to bed, I would wish to not wake up next morning. I even failed my exams in two subjects. My father and my teachers were shocked to see my marksheet. I was even called in for a session to know the reason for my failure. "Areum, you are a bright student. I can't believe you failed. I also noticed that you are always distracted during classes. Is there something that's bothering you? Let me know so that I can help", my homeroom teacher said. How was I supposed to answer when I myself didn't know. "It's nothing sir. I am having a bit trouble concentrating, that's all." I tried to brush off the topic. 

On my way back to the classroom, I bumped into Mr.Min in the hallway. "Oh sorry", he apologized as he looked at me worried. I nodded my head and walked a few steps forward when he called me. "Excuse me, you are from senior year, right?", he asked closing the distance between us. "Yes", I replied as I looked down, not wanting to make eye contact. I might end up crying if anyone asks me about what happened. I am ashamed of myself as this is the first time in my life that I failed. "Can you ask Baek Areum to come to my office?" I looked up immediately at the mention of my name. "Why?", I enquired. "I have something to discuss with her. You know that I am new here so I couldn't find your class. Can you please help me?" He rubbed the back of his neck embarrassed of simply not being able to find a classroom. I couldn't help but smile at how cute he looked. "I am Baek Areum."

I followed him to his office. It was a simple room with minimum furniture consisting of a table and a few chairs. His desk had some thick psychological books, a journal that he maintained for the record of his visitors, a pen holder and a name plate. Dr. Min Daehan, it read. We sat across each other and the room was filled with silence, making me anxious. "I read what you wrote on the back side of your sheet. That is the reason why I summoned you." My hands turned ice cold as I fiddled with my fingers for I knew that a flood of questions was going to come my way.

"I actually..." I told him everything about the article, the depression test, it's result and all the things I've been facing lately. After listening to all the things I said, he sighed. "Areum, firstly I would say that you don't have to believe that test. These tests have no pre-context of your problems. They just ask you some general questions and they are not accurate enough for a diagnosis. You already know the reason behind your feelings. You are currently unable to accept it but you will be able to do it soon. If you are comfortable, can you tell me about it?"