The Excaliburs

Game

Thoughts

"Talking"

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"Naruto-chan! I need your help!" Rias shouted, appearing in a bright light as she nearly jumped out of a magic circle.

"When do you not need my help?" Naruto deadpanned in response. Rias had been asking for his help a lot lately - seriously, five out of the last six chapters is a bit much!

"I can't help it that I keep having problems and that you're super awesome and amazing and powerful and the only person who can help me!" Rias shouted dramatically, pointing her finger at him accusatorily despite the fact that she was raining down praise on him.

"Fine, I'll help. Is it, uh… urgent?" Naruto deadpanned again, gesturing around him. Rias had used the magic circle to teleport into Naruto's bedroom in Kyoto, and he was far from prepared. He was currently kneeling in his bed, butt naked.

"It is! Get your clothes on quick, Naruto! Oh, wait, actually… Naruto-chan fighting naked… his big muscles…" Rias trailed off, her face flushing red as she seemed to think for a moment, "Never mind, Naruto-chan! It's too urgent - we need to go now! You don't have time to put on clothes!"

"Oooh, Naruto-chan fighting naked? Can I come to watch?" Another female voice joined the conversation, and Rias blinked as she realized the woman was there for the first time.

"Oh, hi Kuroka, sorry I didn't see you there. Sure, you can come - you have time to put on clothes though," Rias nodded, contradicting her previous words completely. The busty catgirl was also kneeling on Naruto's bed, though she was on all fours.

Rias had arrived when they were in a very compromising position - Naruto kneeling down, his Naruto Jr. positioned right behind Kuroka's large ass.

"How did you not see her?" Naruto deadpanned, getting off the bed and quickly grabbing his clothes.

"She blended into the covers!" Rias huffed defensively, gesturing to the pure-black sheets on Naruto's bed. He used to have orange ones, but when you partook in the 'activities' that he did every night, having bright-colored bedsheets wasn't ideal. Not that it mattered - he had to change them all the time anyway. Literally, as in multiple times a day.

"Understandable," Kuroka nodded sagely.

"No, it's not," Naruto deadpanned again, "I get that her hair is black, but her entire body is white. Her pale white ass was literally sticking straight up into the air."

"We can't all have as amazing eyesight as you do, Naruto-chan," Rias shook her head decisively, "Even with my enhanced devil eyesight she still blended in."

"Don't blame this on my eyesight," Naruto rolled his eyes, finishing pulling on his signature orange outfit, "She was impossible to miss for even a human, much less a high-class devil like you."

"W-Whatever! Let's go quick, Naruto-chan! See you later, Kuroka!" Rias spit out quickly, grabbing Naruto's arm and pulling him into the magic circle.

"You still didn't tell me wh-" Naruto's words were cut off in a flash of light as they disappeared.

"-at you need help with." Naruto finished, blinking as they were now standing in the middle of the courtyard in front of Kuoh Academy, "How come everything seems to happen here?"

"That's what I need help with, Naruto-chan!" Rias answered, pointing dramatically towards a group of people who were also standing in the courtyard.

There was Rias's peerage - Kiba, Akeno, and Asia - along with…

"Shirone?" Naruto blinked, "What's she doing here?"

"Oh, she and Kiba became friends recently," Rias answered quickly, apparently not needing to speak urgently anymore despite the situation in front of them, "She came here to help him overcome his trauma!"

"Oh, really? She's so nice," Naruto nodded sagely, proud of the younger catgirl.

"Right? Oh, and she also said it was because she 'needed to be stronger to stop Onee-sama from hogging all of Naruto-chan's big meaty thick long-"

"I get the idea!" Naruto said abruptly, his face flushed as he ignored Rias to take in the situation in front of him.

There was Rias's peerage, plus Shirone, standing next to the two exorcist girls - Xenovia and Irina. In front of them was a rather insane-looking man with long silver hair. He was also holding five swords in his hands - which looked very uncomfortable, considering he only had two hands.

"That's Freed Sellen - he's what the young devils would call a 'freak,'" Rias supplied helpfully as she saw Naruto looking at him with a raised eyebrow.

Yeah, that's a good way to describe him.

The man was waving his swords around wildly, seemingly spouting gibberish as he talked so quickly that Naruto couldn't make out a word. As he shouted into the air, talking to no one in particular, his tongue was lashing around wildly in the air.

"Definitely a freak," Naruto nodded sagely. 

A couple of feet behind Freed was a much older man dressed in priest robes. He was bald, and the few bits of hair that he did have on his face were gray.

"That's Valper Galilei. He's also a freak," Rias explained, her expression stony as she stared at the man with no small amount of disgust.

"So…" Naruto trailed off, stepping forward and clapping his hands together loudly. A gust of wind shot outward, and everyone's attention turned to him, "What's going on here?"

"Naruto-chan!" Shirone cheered, looking at him with big eyes as he arrived.

"Yo," Naruto gave a peace sign, and Freed looked at him strangely.

"I don't like this guy! Who the fuck are you?!" He yelled crudely, pointing one of the blades at him, "You give off bad vibes! I bet you were fucking naked a minute ago, weren't you, you fucking weirdo?"

Naruto blinked and stopped awkwardly at the man's words.

"I… was, but I don't like being called weird by someone like you," Naruto deadpanned, not bothering to question how the man knew that purely off of 'vibes.' He didn't want to know any more about the man than he needed to.

"He's the Youkai God, Sellen! You're in for it now!" Irina cheered, her eyes big as she pointed a finger at him confidently.

"Eh? Youkai God?!" Freed shouted, balking for a second as he stared with slight fear at Naruto. Then, his eyes became big as he stuck out his tongue again, "Hah! To think I get to be the one to kill the Youkai God! This is fucking awesome! I'm gonna shove one of my swords up your ass!"

"...I'm just gonna kick your ass now, alright? I really don't like hearing you talk," Naruto deadpanned at Freed's crude words, raising his hand as he readied himself to beat the hell out of Freed.

"Hahahaha! You wish, you fucking animal! Take my huge throbbing sword inside of you!" Freed screamed, launching forward and holding up one of his swords.

"W-Wait, Naruto-chan!" Rias whisper-shouted, stepping up next to him as she leaned forward and whispered into his ear, "Don't kill him, please! Kiba needs to destroy one of those swords to help him get over his trauma!"

"Huh? It'll help Kiba?" Naruto asked casually, raising a finger casually as he looked over at Rias. As he did, one of Freed's swords slammed downwards at him, but was casually blocked by his singular finger. A boom shot outward, a gust of wind shooting outward from the impact.

For a second, the entire courtyard was silent.

"N-Naruto-sama just blocked an Excalibur!" Irina shouted, so in awe from the demonstration that she added the 'sama' back to his name.

"Not just any Excalibur… that's my Excalibur Destruction!" Xenovia said, her eyes wide in awe.

"Huh? Is this sword some kind of big deal?" Naruto asked casually, raising an eyebrow at the sword that was stuck against his finger. He flicked his finger forward, and both Excalibur Destruction and Freed were sent flying backward.

"H-How the hell…" Valper trailed off, the old man taking a step back as Freed was knocked away as if he wasn't even a threat. 

"Naruto-chan is awesome!" Shirone cheered, waving her hands like a cheerleader.

"If it'll help Kiba, then I'll try not to break any of them," Naruto hummed casually, watching as Freed pushed himself back onto his feet.

"Hahaha! You think you've won, you fucker, but I have more than just one sword!" Freed shouted, casually dropping Excalibur Destruction onto the floor. As the sword slammed into the ground, a huge crater formed around it.

"Looks heavy," Naruto said casually.

"This is Excalibur Rapidly! The Holy Sword of the Heavenly Flash! With this sword, I can move faster than even you, you fucker Youkai God!" Freed shouted, waving a thinner sword in the air. 

He launched toward Naruto, moving far faster than before. In fact, he was so fast that even the devils watching couldn't keep track of his movements.

In response, Naruto raised his finger again, allowing the sword to slam into it. The courtyard fell into shocked silence again as Naruto easily stopped the Excalibur.

"N-Naruto-sama just blocked another Excalibur!" Irina shouted, so in awe from the demonstration that she said 'sama' again.

"Not just any Excalibur… that's Excalibur Rapidly!" Xenovia said, her eyes still wide in awe.

"Naruto-chan is awesome!" Shirone cheered, waving her hands like a cheerleader - again.

Naruto blinked, glancing around the courtyard.

"...Did I just travel back in time 30 seconds?" Naruto muttered, confused as to why the three women reacted in the exact same way they had earlier.

"No, you didn't. I am also confused," Valper nodded from across the courtyard, sharing Naruto's sentiment.

Naruto grinned, flicking his finger and launching Freed backward again, "Glad it's not just me! You seem like a pretty normal dude, Viper!"

"It's Valper," Rias said dryly from behind him, "He's the one who tortured Kiba and other children, and then murdered them."

Naruto stopped, his grin turning into a frown, "Damn it. Why can't anyone just be normal?"

"Don't get cocky, you fucker! You might've blocked my other two swords, but I still have three more!" Freed shouted dramatically, casually tossing Excalibur Rapidly on the ground as if it wasn't a national treasure.

Freed held up another sword, which was long and thin - looking like a typical katana. He held it up, grinning sadistically as he stared down Naruto.

"This is Excalibur Mimic! The Holy Sword of Mimicry!" Freed grinned, tensing his body as he readied himself to leap at Naruto, "I can turn this sword into any shape! It's the ultimate weapon that can take the form of any weapon depending on the situation!"

As he finished his statement, he launched forward, slashing his sword at Naruto. Naruto casually raised his finger again, blocking it easily.

"...Why did you just…" Naruto trailed off with a sigh, looking disappointedly at Freed, "You just said it could change into any shape or form, right?"

"N-Naruto-sama just blocked another Excalibur!" Irina shouted, so in awe from the demonstration that she said 'sama' again - for the third time.

"Yeah?" Freed answered, looking confusedly at Naruto.

"Not just any Excalibur… that's Excalibur Mimicry!" Xenovia said, her eyes wide in awe. Her eyes must've been feeling dry after being wide for so long.

"Then… why didn't you change it?" Naruto deadpanned, looking down at the sword, which was still in the shape of a katana, "Like, why did you even mention it if you weren't going to change it?"

"Naruto-chan is awesome!" Shirone cheered for a third time, waving her hands like a cheerleader.

"..." Freed didn't answer, his maniac grin actually drooping at Naruto's words.

"Whatever," Naruto sighed, flicking his finger and flinging Freed back again.

"H-How the hell…" Valper trailed off, staring as Freed was flung back again.

"Not you too…" Naruto groaned, watching as Valper repeated his NPC dialogue from earlier.

"Don't get cocky, you fucker! You might've blocked my other three swords, but I still have two-"

"Okay, please stop talking," Naruto sighed, pinching the bridge of his nose as Freed started to rant again, "I was entertaining it at first, but this is getting ridiculous. We've already done this three times - we don't need to do it another two times. I'm just gonna beat your ass now."

"B-But! It's Excalibur Nightmare this time!" Freed shouted back, his face falling at Naruto's words, "This is the coolest one! I have to use it! Please? Pretty please, you fucker?!"

Naruto blinked, staring at the insane man begging him to let him use the sword.

This guy's got something wrong in his head.

"...Whatever, just do it," Naruto sighed, waving his hand at Freed, who let out a cheer in response.

"This is Excalibur Nightmare! The Holy Sword of Dreams!" Freed shouted, pointing the blade at Naruto. It looked like a normal sword except for the circular lines streaming down it - wrapping around it like a snake.

"With this sword, I can create any illusion and manipulate dreams! Try to beat me now, fucker!" Freed shouted, swiping his sword forward. As he did, a second Freed Sellen appeared to his right. The clone also pointed his sword at Naruto, and both spoke in unison.

"Try to figure out which one is me, fucker!"

"Try to figure out which one is me, fucker!"

Naruto's watched dryly as both Freeds lunged at him. He raised his hand again casually, blocking the slash with his finger. As he did, the second Freed dissipated into nothing as it slammed into him.

"W-What?! How the hell did you know I was the real one?!" Freed shouted, glaring down at Naruto, "You cheated, didn't you?! Cheating fucker!"

"N-Naruto-sama just blocked another Excalibur!" Irina shouted, so in awe- it's happened four times now, you get the idea. Xenvoia and Shirone also repeated their same reactions, but Naruto had tuned them out at this point.

"No," Naruto deadpanned, "I literally just watched you do it. Like, you told me what the sword does, and then just made a clone next to you. Did you think I'd just forget which one you were? You didn't even try to swap or anything - you just did it right in front of me."

Freed blinked at his words, the stray exorcist not having enough decency to look ashamed at how easily he'd been found out. Instead, he merely grinned again.

"You may have stopped me this time, but I still have Excalibur Tr-"

"No, we're not doing this again," Naruto deadpanned. He opened up his hand, wrapping his palm around the blade of the Excalibur. Then, he yanked his hand upward, ripping the sword from his grip.

"M-My Excalibur Nightmare!" Freed shouted, whining like a little kid as Naruto took the sword from him.

"I don't get all the hype about this anyway. Just seems like a normal sword to me," Naruto hummed, holding the sword in his hand and waving it casually. He blinked as he did, watching as a second Naruto suddenly appeared in front of him.

He slowly raised his hand, watching as his illusion clone mimicked him. He waved it back and forth, and the clone followed.

"This is just a worse shadow clone," Naruto said dismissively.

"This is just a worse shadow clone," Naruto's illusion clone said dismissively.

Naruto blinked, staring at his illusion as it copied him.

"How do I get rid of this thing?"

"How do I get rid of this thing?"

"Stop saying what I'm saying, damn illusion!"

"Stop saying what I'm saying, damn illusion!"

"H-How… how can you wield that sword?!" Valper shouted abruptly, his eyes wide as he pointed at Naruto, "Decades of research… it took decades of research and countless lives to develop a method to create holy sword wielders… and you can just use it naturally?!"

"Yeah! What gives, gramps?! You told me I had to eat that shit to use the sword!" Freed shouted, an annoyed look on his face as he glared at Valper, "It tasted like shit!"

"Y-You did… you should be the only person alive who can wield Excalibur Nightmare!" Valper shouted dramatically, his eyes wide and full of confusion.

"'Wield' is a strong word," Naruto deadpanned sarcastically, waving the sword lazily at Freed, "If you consider that wild flailing he did as 'wielding,' then I might as well be a damn sword master. I've never used a sword, and even I could do better than that. I feel like you're just being dramatic - seriously, it took decades to use this flimsy sword? What now - are you gonna call me the 'chosen one' for being able to use it right away?"

"'Wield' is a strong word," Naruto's illusion clone deadpanned sarcastically, waving the sword lazily at Freed, "If you consider that wild flailing he did as 'wielding,' then I might as well be a damn sword master. I've never used a sword, and even I could do better than that. I feel like you're just being dramatic - seriously, it took decades to use this flimsy sword? What now - are you gonna call me the 'chosen one' for being able to use it right away?"

Multiple Beings have been affected by your [LEGENDARY] [Confusion] debuff!

Multiple Beings have been affected by your [LEGENDARY] [Confusion] debuff!

Naruto blinked, staring as the notification appeared twice.

"Y-Youkai God-sama is a sword master?" Irina stuttered, her eyes wide as she stared at him with stars in her eyes. She was so in awe that 'Naruto-sama' had even gone back to 'Youkai God-sama.'

"Not only that, he's the chosen one… the one chosen by the legendary Excalibur…" Xenovia muttered, a whole new level of adoration in her eyes as she stared at Naruto.

Reputation Update:

+1000 Affection with Irina (Greatly Loved)

+500 Affection with Xenovia (Adored)

The hell?

"He's even such a great sword master that he's twice as great as any other sword master!" Irina shouted, excitement filling her gaze.

"Indeed. To think that one man could be chosen by the Holy Excalibur not once, but twice…" Xenvoia trailed off, unable to stop her awe from leaking into her voice.

Reputation Update:

+1000 Affection with Irina (Greatly Loved)

+500 Affection with Xenovia (Loved)

Naruto stared dryly at the reputation update, putting it together after their words.

I didn't even say that, damn game! It was the illusion!

"Screw this sword," Naruto said bluntly, tossing it over his shoulder carelessly. As he did, the illusion of Naruto in front of him disappeared.

This was supposed to be a normal day. 

"I-I didn't expect for the chosen one to appear in front of us, Freed! We must retreat!" Valper shouted dramatically, reaching into his pocket and pulling out a small blue ball, "Grab the swords, and then we must run!"

"Ehhhh?! If you say so, old man! I'll see you shitty devil spectators later!" Freed yelled, pointing dramatically at Rias's peerage as they watched the exchange. Then, he pulled out a blue ball of his own from his pocket and threw it onto the floor.

"Not this again! They're getting away!" Rias shouted angrily. A flash of light appeared in the courtyard as the ball hit the floor, and suddenly both Valper and Freed were gone.

"What was that?" Shirone asked blankly, rubbing her eyes after the light was gone.

"It's a highly concentrated ball of holy energy. It's impossible to see where they went when they use it," Xenvoia explained, a frown on her face, "It's perfect for getting away. There's no one in the world who would be able to see through that much holy energy."

"They got away again," Rias muttered, frowning as she stepped up next to Naruto.

"Eh? What do you mean?" Naruto asked blankly, raising his arm and pointing at one of the few trees in the courtyard, "They're right there."

"Even if it's the Youkai God, it would be impossible for you to have kept track of their moveme-" Xenvoia cut herself off, blinking as she looked at the tree he was pointing at, "...they're right there."

True to his words, Freed and Valper were huddled hastily behind the tree, their arms sticking out as they tried their best to stay silent.

"Y-Youkai God-sama can even see through holy light…" Irina muttered, the stars in her eyes growing even bigger.

"Shit! They found us, old man!" Freed shouted, and Valper quickly reached into his pockets again.

"To think I'd have to use all of these… decades of work gone in just one day!" Valper shouted, pulling out an entire pile of blue balls. He slammed one into the ground, and a flash of light appeared.

While everyone's vision was blocked, Naruto watched blandly as Freed sprinted over to Excalibur Nightmare, threw another blinding ball, then sprinted to the next sword. He repeated it over and over again, eventually grabbing all the Excalibur fragments and then sprinting away with his arms full of swords.

"My eyes hurt…" Rias whined as the final blue ball exploded, the repeated flashes of lights finally ending. She blinked her eyes open as she glanced around, realizing that the duo had actually escaped this time, "Why'd you let them get away, Naruto-chan?!"

"Shirone wasn't closing her eyes," Naruto deadpanned, now standing next to the small girl as his hand was in front of her eyes, blocking her vision from the bright lights.

"T-This temporary pain will only make me stronger!" Shirone huffed, her face cutely determined as she moved her head side to side, trying to look around Naruto's hand at the fading light, "This is how you train your eyes!"

"No, this is how you go blind," Naruto deadpanned again.

"Oh, good job Naruto-chan! Shirone's vision is more important than a bunch of swords," Rias nodded sagely, casually calling the Excaliburs 'a bunch of swords.'

"So, what do we do now? Should we go after them?" Irina asked, looking at Naruto instead of Xenovia this time.

"Nah, they'll show up again," Naruto waved her off casually.

"Naruto-chan… defeated the Excalibur's… but he also… wielded the Excalibur?" Kiba muttered, swirls in his eyes as his brain malfunctioned, unsure what to think about the situation.

Naruto just looked at him blankly.

This won't cause problems in the future, right?

Naruto was never right.

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Naruto Uzumaki:

[Youkai God]

Lvl: 505

STR: 762

DEX: 725

CON: 540

INT: 215

WIS: 750

CHA: 999

LUK: 0

Skills: [Chess Mastery]

Perks: [Martial Arts], [You're a Wizard, Naruto], [Ladies Man], [God's Luck]

Debuffs: [Confusion], [Bad Timing]

Naruto Uzumaki is a Hero from another world, who has been reborn with the power of the Gamer system! 

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AN: Thank you for reading! The next chapter will be out in a couple of days!

Patreon.com/Koyon if you'd like to read ahead (Up to chapter 31) or support me!