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Dear Sun

You remember that night when we were tangled up in your bed, your icy cold sweaty palms gliding down my hair, untangling the knots, your eyes becoming soft and your middle inch of the eye border slightly tugged upwards and your eyes glistened. Your eyes were glorified with numerous shades of our lampshade resting behind my back being the only source of light in the whole room. Your forehead was touching mine as I bit my lips feeling the coldness in my warm skin. My arms were tracing your bones in your back. Suddenly you asked me to get up in a whisper which cascaded so much inside my heart that I felt I could never handle the speed limit of the beats. Your bread cheeks were puffing so high that it almost touched your lips. So adorable that I thought my grieving heart would soon burst. You said you wanna dance. Probably the silliest thing I ever heard in the middle of a bone-breaking, teeth-cackling winter. We squirmed in a blanket so small that I bet your feet were any way out of the blanket. Still, your hands were sweating so much. I was holding them tightly to make your sweating stop. You, amidst forcing me to get up from my comfortable warm embrace of the blanket, looked at me. And I looked back right at the time. You were smiling silly, you were smiling young, you were smiling like the color blue. I loved you, I loved you and I loved you and you don't know how much I was in pain to not tell you the same line over and over every second because you might get bored of hearing this line. But yet, I loved you and I loved you and I loved you, I was seventeen and you were twenty. I was so teenage to be in that much deep love. But I was. Secretly, passionately, and might be mistaken but we were in love. We were blind in love, we were deaf in love, we were mute in love, we were paralyzed in love and we finally were very much freely in love. Our love was mind-numbing, brainless, thoughtless, and impractical but we were. And that very day when I was seventeen, hugging you like a koala under a blanket on a winter night wearing those same cheap branded hoodies, I agreed to leave the comfort cocoon of our warmest and messiest hug and got up to dance with you. You laughed seeing my clumsy self trying to make one proper step, then we pretended we were dancing in a ball full of people watching us. I giggled when we swiftly matched our steps and danced away our worries, but that time we never had any worries, we were just scared to get caught by your mom and scolding us. How simple our fears were right? I danced with you but now when I think about that night, I danced with you. That night I was the center attention of, that night your eyes carefully noted each of my messy steps, that night your hands always searched for mine, that night your arms only were straightened to protect me, that night your smile was only because of me, that night you were only with me. You swirled me as you swirled your whole universe. You swayed our attached bodies as we smiled identically. How pathetic were we right? How messy, how inseparable, how clingy. How grossly close to each other. But I loved it the way it was, I loved you the same way. Bodies crashed and we were warming up just because of releasing so much energy into moving our limbs. We were finally warm on a cold night. We managed. We then went to the blanket and squirmed under it and embraced each other in a bone-crushing hug and slept with more sweaty palms, tangled up hairs, loosened clothes with cheap perfumes mixed up with our sweat, smelling very gross but with clear minds and hearts beating very fast. I loved you and I loved you and I loved you so much but as I mentioned earlier. I was too mute to say it. It might as well be the reason why you never heard of me saying it.

I still love you with all my might, with all of the leftover grieves and millions of scars and with millions of thoughts, but with expensive clothes and perfumes this time.

Yours Sunflower