Citra's Depression

Citra's Depression

Citra sat on the edge of her apartment bed, staring blankly at the gray wall that seemed to absorb all light. It had been two weeks since she returned to Indonesia, and it felt like just yesterday she had left that foreign land. All hopes of coming back filled with happiness vanished along with her decision to return.

After years of living abroad, Citra imagined a warm welcome from her family. However, the reality she faced was very different. Her father refused to meet her. She had tried to reach out multiple times, but all her messages and calls ended in silence. Every time her phone lit up with her father's name, her heart raced. Yet, each time, that hope shattered when the ringtone never rang.

That night, Citra again woke up from her bad dreams. She remembered how her father used to talk about hopes and dreams. Now, all of that felt like a bitter joke. She recalled her father's mood when she decided to continue her education abroad, following her mother and stepfather. At first, her father was angry but then agreed. Yet it all seemed in vain, as her experiences in America only turned into disappointment when Citra returned empty-handed, bearing nothing but deep wounds.

"Your mother says you were flirting with a married man in America. Ah, you're just like your mother. Both of you are the same—cheap women!" her father shouted over the phone.

Citra grabbed her notebook, hoping to write something meaningful. However, the words seemed to escape her. She started drawing, but every stroke reminded her of the sorrow she felt. Every color she chose appeared gray, just like her life at that moment.

Outside, the sounds of passing vehicles echoed, but inside that apartment, there was only silence. She missed the friends who used to encourage her during her hardest times. Without them, the world around her felt hollow. Citra picked up her phone and looked at the happy photos she had posted on social media. Genuine smiles, cheerful faces—all of that now felt like memories from another world.

Days passed, and Citra remained trapped in her apartment. She ordered food online and never went out except for urgent needs. The only friend she could talk to was her own reflection in the mirror. She often spoke to herself, hoping to find answers to her questions.

One night, as the rain poured heavily, Citra felt a deeper wave of sadness. She recalled the days abroad when she felt valued and recognized. Citra longed for the spirit that used to drive her, the confidence that always accompanied her. It felt as if everything was gone.

"Why is this happening to me?" she asked her reflection in the mirror. "Am I not good enough? Why won't my father listen to my reasons? Or at least recognize his own mistakes?"

Tears streamed down her cheeks once more. She lay back on the bed, clutching the pillow as if it would absorb all the pain she felt. In the darkness, Citra felt a stinging loneliness. Then she fell asleep and dreamed.

In the middle of the silent night, her phone suddenly vibrated. A message from Kencana. "Citra, I've missed you! We need to meet. How about tomorrow?"

Citra stared at the message with hesitation. She missed Ken, but shame and uncertainty made her reluctant to go out. However, her heart whispered that this might be an opportunity to change everything. Finally, typing slowly, she replied, "Okay, we can meet."

The next day, Citra stood in front of the mirror, trying to do her makeup. She wanted to look better, but every time she looked at herself, that confidence still felt distant. She wore a simple dress and stepped out of her apartment, feeling the fresh air she hadn't breathed in a long time.

When she met Kencana at the small café they used to frequent, Citra felt her heart race. Ken welcomed her with a warm hug. "I've missed you so much!" Ken said enthusiastically.

Citra smiled, but it wasn't a heartfelt smile. They sat and chatted, reminiscing about the past. Ken shared many stories, but Citra could only listen, feeling alienated in the conversation. She wanted to share what she felt, but the words were stuck in her throat.

"What happened, Citra?" Ken asked, looking into her eyes filled with sadness. "You don't look like yourself anymore."

Citra looked down, feeling all the burdens in her heart resurfacing. "I... I feel lost, Ken. Everything I do seems futile. My mom is like this, and my dad doesn't want to understand me either."

Ken held Citra's hand, offering the support she desperately needed. "You're not alone. We all go through tough times. But you're strong, Citra. You can get through this."

Citra woke up, startled to realize it was just a dream. She could only lie silent on the bed. Slowly, she rose to the mirror. Staring blankly and dry-eyed.

Citra began to speak in front of the mirror, expressing feelings she had kept buried. She talked about the depression gnawing at her soul, about the guilt and disappointment. Ken listened attentively, and Citra felt a slight relief. Gradually, she began to realize that sharing her burdens could lighten her pain.

In the following days, Citra made an effort to be more open in front of the mirror. She started communicating with her father, even though every response felt heavy. She also began writing again, expressing all her feelings in words. Citra attended strange counseling sessions, which helped her understand and accept what was happening in her life.

One bright morning, as she stood on her apartment balcony, Citra felt a fresh breeze brushing against her face. Curious, she tried to open Damar's social media, which she had forbidden herself to view for years. Let alone news about Damar, any news about Indonesia had been avoided.

It turned out Damar was rumored to have secretly married a girl from his old school. All the comments from netizens were filled with disappointment.

A school friend? Citra furrowed her brow. Could that rumor be true? she thought, but she was also curious about "marrying a girl from his old school."

Who is she?