Breathe Allie

He sat and put his head down. He probably just let a murderer walk out of the building, and he didn't care. This had nothing to do with Mikey. This was all him. He gave Ms. Kasper credit. He doesn't know if he would have done what she did. Then again, if he had killed Allie or Peanut, he can't imagine, no matter how long he would have sat in prison.

"What do you think, Buttercup? Where do I go from here? I don't know what's going to happen when you wake up. I wonder if you even will want me here. Or will you want Alex? I don't know who I'm fucking kidding, of course you want Alex. God, as much as I want you to wake up, I know how much it's going to suck to hear you ask for him and tell me to leave."

Dean picked up his phone from the small table. "Hey, Mike."

"Dean. How are you? Is everything still alright?"

"They took her from the medication. Now we just wait for her to come around on her own," he said.

"How is your daughter?" he asked.

"She is doing good. They said she's a little small for her age."

"Your daughter? Small? That's unexpected. Though your sister is a tiny thing, isn't she?" Mike said.

"Yes, that she is. Look, Mike, I called with a purpose."

"What's going on?"

"Something I should have done eight months ago---"

"You're resigning, aren't you?" he asked.

"Yes, I am. I'm going to be a father; Allie will need me. We have no idea what life is going to be like for her. I think this is the best thing for my mental and physical health. Time to move on."

"What are you going to do?"

"I'm going to take some time off, and then I was thinking about going into the family business," he said.

"I assume this isn't a traditional two-week notice?"

"Yes. By the way, I need two weeks off," he said

"I will take care of the paperwork. Keep in touch."

"I'll still be around. We can still watch football at my place."

"I'll hold you to that."

"Let me know when she wakes up," he said.

"I will."

One hour, two hours, three hours. The ventilator pumped air into her lungs. Her chest fell up and down repeatedly. He prayed the Lord's prayer, the Angelus, and the prayer to Mary. Repeatedly. He had no rosary, but he did not need one. He easily kept count in his head.

In hour four, he heard a soft sound coming from her throat.

He sat straightened up. "Allie? Allie?"

He immediately pressed the call button.

"Can I help you?" the nurse on the other end asked.

"Yes, my wife, well, she made a sound."

"I'll send Peggy right down."

Peggy ran into the room with purpose.

"What happened, Dean? Tell me exactly."

"She was just lying there, and this sound came out of her throat. Since she hasn't made a sound in weeks, it would be worth bringing up."

Peggy leaned over, "Allie? Allie! Can you hear me? Open your eyes, sweetheart. Come on, open your eyes." She said with authority, "Your husband is here. He has been here from the moment we let him in the room."

"I'm here, Buttercup. Open your eyes! PLEASE. I want to see those amazing eyes. Allie, come on, you can do this."

Peggy went on. "Allie? CAN YOU HEAR ME! OPEN YOUR EYES."

She lies there looking peaceful and broken.

"Can you hear me?"

She didn't move. Peggy grabbed her hand.

"If you can hear me, squeeze my hand." She felt a small, gentle squeeze.

"Good. That's good," she said. "I'm going to take the tube out. Do you understand?"

She gave her hand another noticeably light squeeze. Peggy took an empty syringe from her pocket.

"Do you think you can cough?"

Allie squeezed her hand. Peggy took that as a yes. She took the syringe and quickly deflated the small cuff that helped to hold the tube in place. She told her to take a deep breath and cough. Allie coughed and gagged as Peggy slid the tube out of her throat. Peggy put a nasal cannula into her nose to continue her oxygen. She asked her to take deep breaths. Allie complied.

"I need you to cough often to clear the mucus. Do you understand?"

She squeezed her hand again.

After a minute or two, Allie spoke. Her voice sounded like gravel. "Pain, Pain, Hurt."

She had yet to open her eyes.

"Allie, can you open your eyes?"

Her eyes stayed closed.

"No," she whispered.

Peggy looked at Dean with concern. "You ask," she told him.

"Allie, baby, I need you to open your eyes. Please, Buttercup, open your eyes."

"No eyes," she said again.

Dean looked at Peggy.

"Pain," Allie said over and over.

Peggy handed her the plunger. "Can you push this button?" she asked, putting Allie's thumb on the button.

"No move."

"She can't move? I thought she squeezed your hand?" Dean said.

"It was exceptionally light. Enough to know she understood me."

"Pain, bad, pain, help," tears started to drip down her cheeks.

"I'm going to get her medication to give through her IV."

Peggy left the room. Allie was groaning.

"Baby, I need you to open your eyes. Could you do it for our daughter? Allie, please."

"Pain."

Peggy rushed into the room, carrying a syringe and a couple of sheets of paper. She put the papers on the bed and pushed the medication into the IV tubing.

There was a rush over her body. It was a pleasure, a rush. It was like... an orgasm. Her pain was gone.

"Does that feel better?" Peggy asked.

The closest thing to a smirk came to her lips. "Good, Bean," she mumbled.

"What did she say?" he asked

"I could be wrong, but it sounded like... Good Bean. Does that mean anything to you?"

"That means everything. My family calls me Bean," he was candy apple red.

"Well, that's a good one. Honey, if you are as good as Fentanyl, you should be proud of yourself," she said. "She can feel you here; I told you. Now, please fill out those papers. It's to be her proxy so that you can administer her pain meds through the PCA. Memorize the do's and don'ts. I would think that would be no problem for you. Have them filled out by the time I come back."

Allie was out in a drug-induced haze. He was simply happy that she was breathing on her own and had woken up. He filled out the forms and returned them to Peggy when she returned.

"Are the painkillers going to hurt the baby?" he asked.

Dean was terrified of the prospect of his daughter having to go through any withdrawal.

"Oh no, not unless there isn't long-term abuse. She will be as happy as Mom is. It does cross over into the womb, but she will be just fine. Did you read all the instructions?"

"Yes, Ma'am. I did."

"Okay, then the magic button is yours. I suggest you wait until she starts to stir. We don't need her breathing to be stressed."

"Yes, Ma'am," he said, putting his hand on her belly. It seemed to be his favorite place.

"So, your family is excited, I'm sure," she said.

"Oh, you have no idea. Allie was told when she was sixteen that she would never be able to have children due to medical reasons. So, we had gotten acclimated to the fact that we weren't going to have any biological children, at least not with her carrying one.

"Oh, my goodness. How big of a miracle it is for you!" she said with surprise. "I know I would be so excited to become a granny someday."

"Yes, my dad has decided that he is going to be a Pop Pop. That is what I called my grandfather. I'm quite sure my mom will be a grandmother. It sounds more regal," he said. Oh, that is just lovely to hear. I am so excited for you. Have you picked out any names?"

"Ahh, we haven't talked about it yet," he said.

Because I found out a month ago from her current boyfriend, who may or may not be her fiancé, who has taken my place as the baby's father because I had absolutely no fucking idea. But we are sure as shit will have a conversation after she's lucid, he thought.

"Well, that baby is a little warrior, just like her mom."

Peggy went to walk out of the room.

"Oh, don't worry if she doesn't kick as much. She's a little loopy, too, from the pain medication," she said. "And Mr. Stapleton, between you, me, and the baby, I know she's not actually your wife."

Peggy smiled and pulled the curtain behind her.

He sat there waiting for what seemed like forever. Peggy comes in and out every ten minutes. The doctor did come in. He checked her pupils and her pain response. She did not move. He didn't say much to Dean. He didn't look too optimistic. He was worried about the lack of response to the pain stimulus. He said that her heartbeat and blood pressure looked good.

"We will be able to get a better picture when she becomes more lucid. I am concerned about her mental abilities."

More hours. The sun started to rise again. He put his head on the bed and drifted off to sleep.

Allie struggled to open her eyes, moaned Dean. He woke up and hit the plunger like Peggy had suggested. He heard her voice.

"Eyes?" she said

"Allie? Can you hear me?"

"Blind."

She struggled to make sentences. It was like a newborn opening their eyes for the first time. They were heavy, and everything was blurry. She struggled to find words.

"Wha... wha... whe... Where am I?" she asked.

"You are in the hospital. You were in an... altercation. Do you remember?"

She bobbled her head from side to side.

"I... I am in the hospital?" she said slowly.

"Yes. You're at MetroHealth. You've been here for quite some time. You suffered some major injuries."

"I hurt bad," she moaned in pain.

He pushed the button again for her.

"Better."

"Allie? Do you know who I am?"

"You... you... are my..."

"You're what? I'm your what?"

"These drugs are amazing," she said.

It was the first actual sentence that she had put out.

"Yeah, tell me about it," he mumbled.

"Allie? Do you know who I am?"

"Drugs."

"What?" he laughed.

"You made me feel good," she said.

"What is the name of the drug you think I am?"

"Amazing," she said.

"Buttercup."

"As you wish," she responded.

"Yes, as you wish. What is my name?"

"My husband?"

"I would love to be your husband. Do you know who you are?"

"Yes. Gunnery Sergeant Alexsandra Kingston, number A122476LK42," she said.

"Allie? Do you know where you are?"

"Tokzar, Afghanistan. 1st Marines 4th platoon."

"No, Allie. You are in Cleveland, Ohio; you were a detective in the Cleveland Police Department in the 6th district. Your partner was Patrick Bruss. We met on a case. Kind of."

"Malibu?"

"No, my name is Dean.

"Alex?"

"Dean. My name is Dean. We were, are, were, engaged."

"Dean? I love Dean. I was going to marry him. Dean."

"Yes, what Princess?"

"Where's Alex?"

"I don't know."

"Find him. Please."

Dean hit the plunger on the PCA.

"Please find Alex. I need him here..." her voice trailed off.

Peggy entered the room. "Has she said anything?"

"Yes. But it's like her past and present are intertwined. She gave me her military ID number. She knew we used to be engaged."

"Dean? Used to be? I know she's not your wife, but are you still her fiancé? It makes a difference. Tell me the truth."

He pulled his hand slowly down his face.

"We had a falling out. We split up because of my job. We were going to try to get back together when I returned, so I thought. But I went and did something inexcusable. She never wanted to see me again."

"Who's Alex, Dean?"

Dean looked like a deer in the headlights. He didn't answer.

"That's her fiancé, isn't it?"

"No. I am not sure what they are. I do know they are really good friends," he said.

"Just really good friends? If I ask Alex, would he say they're really good friends?"

Dean said nothing.

"Oh, Dean."

"I'm sorry. Please don't tell anyone."

"You really have no recourse to be here. You are nothing more than someone who she knows. Dean, you know I have to say---"

"You keep my secret, and I'll keep Ms.Kaspers'."

Peggy looked away.

"I'm not trying to blackmail you, but by me keeping silent, I can lose my job; even worse and more plausible is I will be thrown in jail for withholding information."

"Okay. I understand. But if anyone finds out independently, I can't control that. I will remain silent."

"Now, what about the memory issues?"

"From what you have said, it sounds like dissociative amnesia. But blending the past with the recent past is odd."

"Nothing about this makes sense... I need my Allie back," he said.

"Give it time. Maybe you should read up on how the human brain works," she said sincerely. "You may look like this intimidating, large, aggressive person, but in the end, you are a big teddy bear with everyone's best interests at heart. I'll keep it quiet."

She started to stir again.

"Buttercup, it's me, it's...Dean."

"Do you remember what happened? Why you are here?"

"I got hurt. Roadside IED."

"No, you were in a fight. Where you're at?"

"I've already told you I am in Tokzar."

"Allie, you are in Cleveland, Ohio."

"Malibu, is that you?"

Dean looked at Peggy. "Who is Malibu?" Peggy asked.

"It was her spotter; he was killed right in front of her." he said. "Allie, Malibu died. Do you remember?"

"Right. He just left me. He helped me."

"No, he died a long time ago."

"He just left me. I almost went with him. He told me to stay."

Peggy looked confused at Dean. He returned her expression.

"He died over six years ago," he whispered to Peggy.

"You need to say something that only you have told her. That only you and her would know," she said. "Is there anything that would be exclusive to you two?"

"Hold on, I have an idea."

He went to his bag and pulled out his AirPods. He gently put the buds in her ears. He picked up her phone and put on Allie's Awesome Playlist. "Here Without You" filled her ears and mind. The corner of her mouth lifted into a smile.

"That's it, baby. Remember the night we went to Karaoke? Remember the kitchen? We made Peanut that night? Remember, Allie, please remember."

Peggy looked at him. He was embarrassed by the personal information he had just sprouted off.

"It's okay. Say what you need to get her to remember," she said. I will leave you two alone for a few minutes."

"Do you remember the night we were on the front porch swing? We were looking at the sugar moon. Like God had put it there just for us. Do you remember that? Do you remember what happened next? Do you remember what I said to you? Do you remember what you said to me? Remember Allie, please, remember."

She was mouthing something, whispering. He put his ear to her mouth. Softly, faintly, she spoke.

"I said yes."

He kissed her on her lips gently. He stroked her hair.

"Yes, Buttercup, you said yes," he said, and tears started growing in his eyes.

"I remember the night we made Peanut. It was the greatest night of my life and the worst," she whispered.

He could tell that she was trying hard to open her eyes.

"Why can't I keep my eyes open?" she asked.

"The doctor will be up soon. I am sure he will tell us everything."

"Are you, my husband? I kept hearing that my husband was here."

"You were able to hear what was going on?" he asked,

"I think so," she said. "I know you were holding my hand, touching my hair; I heard you cry."

He enveloped her hand in both of his. He kissed it over and over.

"I remember that too," she said. "I don't remember hearing Alex. Was he not here? Did he not want to see me?" she asked.

She tried to move, but she still couldn't.

"Did he not want to see me? Is he mad at me? Did I do something to him?" she asked.

"No. No, you didn't do anything to him. I just... well, it's complicated since... he didn't know what to say. He didn't want to tell her the truth. She was libel to kick him out.

"Dean, I need to tell you something."

"What's that baby girl?"

"Yes, it's a baby girl," she said.

He put his hand on her belly. They had put a fetal monitor on her.

"I know. Alex told me."

The baby kicked once, twice.

"She's kicking. I am so sorry I didn't tell you. I think I was going to tell you. I couldn't get a hold of you. You left me. I tried to wait."

"You were going to tell me. Then this happened. But that's okay, I know now. It was one hell of a surprise."

"Is she okay? Is our baby okay?" she asked.

"She's fine. You protected her. You fought hard, Allie. You fought so hard," he said.

"You weren't here for anything."

"I know. I'm sorry," he said.

"It's okay. Alex was here for us. He took such good care of me, of us."

"I know, but I'm here now. You don't need him anymore."

"I needed you for the last 32 weeks. Peanut only knows Alex now. She knows his voice, his touch. He loves her so much. Just as much as I do."

"I may not have been here, but I love her so much, Alexsandra. Just hearing we are going to have a baby and that I am going to be a daddy filled me with 31 weeks of love for her."

"Do you know the difference between a daddy and a father?"

"Please don't. I can't take anymore," he begged.

He started to cry.

"I'm sorry. I am angry at you. I am angry that I still love you so much, and I don't know why?"

"Why do you still love me?"

"Why, I don't know why," she said.

"Why can't I move? Why can't I open my eyes? I'm so scared. I want to see your face. God, I miss your face," she said.

He put her hand on his face.

"There you are."

"I'm here. I will not let anything happen to you."

"Did something bad happen to me?" she asked.

"Yes. Something happened to you. Something bad, unbelievably bad."

"Why are you here?"

"Because I love you."

"I love you too," she said. "I love Alex too. You know that right? I need you to know that," she said.

"You need to rest."

"Does he know I am awake? If he knew, I am sure he would be here."

"You need to rest."

He pressed the button, and she slowly drifted off to sleep.

He sat back in the chair and looked at her phone. She wanted him to know, but he had to call him, and he didn't want to. If he did, he would have to share her. He went into her contacts and looked for Alex. He didn't see him.

"Jesus Christ." He scrolled down to the M's. Mi Vida. "Fuck."

He pressed it, and it began to ring.

Dear God, please don't answer.

No luck. Alex picked up on the fifth ring.

"Cara Mia? Is it you?"

"Sorry to disappoint you," Dean answered.

"Oh. It's you. What the fuck do you want, asshole?"

"Nice to talk to you too, prick."

"I'm at work. What do you need?" he asked.

"It's Allie."

"What about Allie? Is she okay? Is Peanut okay?" He sounded panicked.

"Yes, she's good. She was taken off the MIC medication. And she was extubated. She's breathing on her own. She is in a lot of pain but---"

"She's awake?"

"She woke up about an hour ago. She's been asking for you."

"She's awake? I'll be right down."

"She's asleep now. She's on a lot of pain medication. I wouldn't worry about rushing down here."

"I'll be there in twelve minutes."

"Alex, you---"

He had already hung up. Dean looked at the phone. He opened her gallery and started thumbing through her pictures.

She had them separated into separate folders.

"You are so fucking organized Buttercup."

There were FRIENDS, ME & MI VIDA, USMC, 21ST BIRTHDAY, THE X-FILES (which featured pictures of her ex-boyfriends), and MALIBU.

He wondered where she kept the photos of them, of him. If she had a folder for her and Alex, why didn't she have one for them?

He didn't want to, but he looked in the X-FILES. Much to his dismay, there they were. Every picture he and Allie ever took. She even had pictures that he had taken of just her. She tucked every memory of them in a folder along with two men who cheated on her, one that was a FWB, and two that looked like they were in high school.

He wonders if Alex ever lived in this folder. He opens the one marked ME & MI VIDA and gets his answer. There are photos all the way back to when he and Allie were together years ago—pictures of them at the park, dinner, and swimming pool with what Dean assumes is his family. Then, there are the recent photos. There is a series of him painting her belly like a pumpkin. One of them is at the doctor's.

She was crying and looking at the ultrasound and a tiny little baby on the monitor. There was a caption on it that read, It's a girl. There were pictures of her standing sideways and showing off her belly. With every picture, her little bump grew bigger. They were captioned from week 17 to week 31. Around week 24, Alex started joining her in the pictures. Dean was enraged by the look of them together. They were happy, his hands on her tummy.

"Fucking Alvarez."