Downhill Fast

"Come on in, Dean."

Dean came in and sat down on the couch in Lola's office.

"How have you been?"

"Okay, I guess. I've been spending a lot of time at the hospital with Allie."

"How is she doing?"

"She's conscious. The baby is good."

"That is wonderful news. Have you been able to discuss what will happen when she is discharged? When the baby comes?"

"She's coming home. We are going to raise our daughter."

"How is Alex? That's his name, correct?"

"Yes. Alvarez."

"How is he making that decision? Is he okay with that?"

"I don't know, and I don't care."

"Dean, did you and Allie discuss this, or is this what you want?"

"It's what's going to happen."

"You need to grasp the possibility that things may not turn out how you want them. Allie had this relationship while you were gone. It became profoundly serious and had progressed into a commitment. You can't expect her to revert to how things were just because you came back. She is going to make the choice. Alex might be in your life for an exceedingly long time. You need to accept that as a possibility."

"He doesn't fucking deserve her."

Lola looked at him. Dean slumped back on the couch. "I know. I'm the one who doesn't fucking deserve her."

"Has she spoken to anyone in psychology yet? She will need help processing what has happened."

"I think she has. She's different. Her personality is completely different. It's not who I left behind eight months ago. The doctor said she has compartmentalized disassociated amnesia."

"Really?"

"Yeah. She knows her parents and brother are dead, but she doesn't remember their accident. She doesn't remember almost half of what happened while she was in the military. Because she has forgotten the bulk of these traumatic events, her personality is no longer affected by the impact of them. He used the example that if someone almost drowns and develops a fear of the water, if they no longer can remember the incident, then they may no longer fear the water."

"Does she remember the death of Malibu or the night you split up?"

"She knows Malibu is dead. She knows he died while she was on patrol with her. She doesn't remember his actual murder. She doesn't remember watching him die. Regarding the night we split, yes, she does remember."

"How about the letter, Dean? Does she remember receiving the letter?"

"She hasn't mentioned it. And I haven't asked."

"Does she act like she does? Does her attitude towards you indicate at all that she might?"

"I think she knows something serious happened that drew her and Alex together. I don't see why we should bring it up if it might upset her."

"What does Alex think?"

"He wants to do what is best for her. He has no selfish motives. It's all about her and the baby's well-being."

"What about you? Is it all about her and the baby?"

He didn't say anything at first. "I just want my wife and baby back in my life."

"Dean, she's not your wife. Although they may think she's your wife, and you may have been referring to her as such, Allie is not your wife."

"Well, she's not Alvarez's wife either."

"No, but she is his girlfriend."

Dean didn't like hearing that. He crossed his legs and arms. He looked highly defensive.

"She remembers that, doesn't she?"

Dean said nothing. He glared out the window.

"Okay, let's change the subject. I see we aren't going to get extremely far with this topic."

"We need to talk about Mikey. How has he been?"

"Why do you talk about him like he's an actual person?"

"Because Dean, he is. We walk and talk and think and act. We have used the term dissociative identity disorder. Mikey was created to keep you safe from the situation you were in. It was the key to your survival. He is the reason you stayed alive. He has a name, a personality, a personal history, and characteristics. He was started on paper, and your mind turned him into a real person."

"I still think that's total fucking bullshit. I am not him. He is not me."

"Do you realize what you just said? You referred to him as an actual person. I am not him, and he is not me."

"You are twisting my words?"

"No, I am directly quoting you. Let's go over some of the hallmarks of DID. Your behavior was and still is impulsive and self-destructive. Correct?"

"Yes, I guess so."

"You experience anxiety and mood swings, and you once described it as a feeling of being detached from yourself. You said it is as if you are watching what is happening outside of you. You're experiencing depression--"

"That is situational."

"Is it?"

"You have an altered state of consciousness."

"Does this happen in adolescence? Have you ever really heard of a grown man developing DID?"

"The human brain is complex, and your human brain is extraordinary. You have Idyllic memory, Hyperthymesia. Your brain learns and has the rare ability to recall nearly every experience in great detail."

"Yeah, no shit. I am perfectly aware of what I have. Am I paying you to tell me shit I already know? No. I am paying you to fix me."

"Dean, I am not here to fix you. I am here to give you the tools for you to work on yourself. You, of all people, should know that there is no fix to mental illness."

"Don't use that word. That word will get me fired. Not that I need the money, but I enjoy what I do."

"What do you mean by not that you need the money?"

"Uhm. Nothing. Just a comment."

"She squeezed her eyes and pinched the top of her nose. She looked a little frustrated."

"It would be best if you were honest with me."

"Jesus fucking Christ."

"He took out his phone. Typed something and handed it to her."

"My real name is not Dean Carron. Carron was my Gram's family name."

She looked at the phone. A biography article from Forbes magazine was pulled up. She read the article and looked at him with genuine shock and curiosity.

"Perhaps this should have been brought up at least two sessions ago. "

"Why?"

"You lived a very privileged life, didn't you?"

I lived with the life my parents gave me."

"Did I want anything?"

"No. I also knew the limitations that my parents had set. Do you know why I have a job? I have a job because my parents always insisted that my sister and I stay grounded, and part of that was getting a job. Do I need the money from my job? No. My sister and I each donate our salaries to a charity of our choice."

"I must say that is very amazing. I commend your parents and you and your sister. Out of curiosity, what charities do each of you choose?"

"Since I met Allie, I have given to a charity called Pets for Vets. This charity trains animals to be service animals and emotionally supports them."

"That sounds like a wonderful charity. There are so many out there who need emotional support and extra service. You said that's when you met Ali. May I ask what charity you have given to in the past?"

"It's called No Kid Hungry. It focuses on giving kids school lunches and breakfasts. During the summer, it runs a program called Free Summer Lunch that the local schools or community groups run. It's open to any kid or teenager who needs a healthy summer meal. Often, people seem to forget that just because the kids are not at school doesn't mean they still go hungry."

"Wow. That's. Sounds like a fantastic program, too.

"When I started getting two pets for vets, I gave them 100% of my salary, but I also matched my salary, and I still gave to no hungry kid. All my donations are anonymous.

"How about your sister?

"My sister started her own charity.

"Oh, my goodness. What is her charity?

"It's called Pay to Play. I mentioned in our first session that my sister had broken her back. Natalie is competitive. She was a competitive gymnast, cheerleader, and Showjumper when her college cheerleading team went to nationals one year. They had a spotter. My sister is what's called a flyer. Being four foot nine, and at the time, she was 92 pounds. She's the girl they throw up in the air. One of her spotters had a shoulder injury. He had dislocated it and tore a tendon. His family did not have health insurance because his father had been laid off. And she was unable to seek medical attention. He honestly thought that he could. As the military puts it, rub some dirt on it and move on.

"During a basket toss stunt, my sister came down and the spotter. She could not support her weight, which the other spotter was not expecting. For the other one, unable to bear half the weight, my sister fell right through their arms and landed on her back. It was called a compression fracture, where the front of the vertebrae breaks and loses height, and the back part of it does not. It's rarely associated with any neurological paralysis issues, and it will cause osteoporosis when she gets older. She also crushed her tailbone. There's no necessary treatment besides icing it and taking pain medication. It just really hurts like hell. She realized that she was fortunate enough to have the best doctors work on her and that she was lucky. So, she started Pay for Play, which is a charity that helps families without insurance. Take care of payment of bills for sports-related injuries. On the other hand, she does not remain anonymous, and she has an athletic center named after her at her high school. She went to Saint Bernard Catholic School."

"Dean, I take back my privileged comment. In all nine years, I have never heard of a Wealthy, high-profile family living with those morals and morays."

"Yeah, well, unfortunately, a lot of my morals and mores went right out the window after this OP. During this OP, Mikey has no morals or morays."

"Are you going to acknowledge that you just spoke about him as An actual living person?"

"Dean put his hands on his head and pulled his hair back. And looked up at the ceiling."

"I just want him gone. I want to evict him from my head."

"Dean, if you are willing, I have an associate who does hypnotherapy. It might be beneficial if we go under hypnosis and call out Mikey. We would record the session to see who he truly is. I am not saying that it will work, but I think under the right conditions and with the right professional, we may be able to help You, as you say, evict him from your mind. We can also discuss his addiction issues. Perhaps we can help with this. Suppressing the addiction? It would be best if you still worked on the addiction. It is not going to take it away completely. But it might be a tool to help you out.

"I am willing to do anything and everything to get him out of me. I cannot be a good father or husband with him in there. If he's in there, he needs to go."

"OK, so you understand, this will not get rid of him completely. Certain aspects will always stay ingrained in your subconscious."

"Set it up. Lola and I will do it. The sooner, the better."

"OK, when you leave, I'll make a few phone calls and see what we can set up."

"Do you know anything specific you would like to work on?"

"Well, there's the Diction aspect of it. Of course. I would also really like to stop foul language. As small as that may seem, it is not me. I may have sprouted out of hell or an occasional shift. But the word fuck was never in my everyday vocabulary, and I have noticed that it is now in my everyday vocabulary, and I apologize. I think I have probably used that word 100 times while talking to you in the last eight weeks."

"I appreciate the apology, and I accept it."

"I would like to keep my anger in check. My aggression. I like the self-confidence that I have. I don't like it getting to the point of being cocky or boastful.

"I haven't asked in a while, and since the subject of your sister came up, how is your relationship with Natalie?"

"I think it has improved. I try to police myself so hard when I am around her. Michaela, her girlfriend, is extremely overprotective."

"Do you think that's warranted, Dean, that she is overprotective of your sister? Do you feel that you are ever overprotective of Ali?"

"You know, you do that a lot, Lola. Do you realize that?"

"And what would that be?"

"You make it a point to have the person you are speaking to put themselves in the other person's shoes.

"Do you? There are many life lessons to learn, and some of the best lessons I learned were from my parents. When I was younger, I said something to my mother, which, at the time, I didn't think about how much it would hurt her. And my mother looked at me. And she said the exact same thing I had just told her."

"May I ask what you said?"

"We were arguing, and I told my mother to go fuck herself. Leave me alone. I can't stand her. I wish she were never in my life. And that woman looked me in the eye, and she said the exact same thing back to me. And I realized how much that hurt. She looked at me and said, Lola, never say something you would not want to be said to you. Never do something to a person you would never want done to you. Never speak to someone in a way you wouldn't want to be spoken to you."

"I have read dozens of self-help books, which is the best thing I have ever heard."

"Well then, I guess my work here is done."

She laughed, and he smiled. An alarm went off on Lola's phone.

"Well, Dean, our time is up, but we have made progress. Do you feel we have made substantial progress in these eight weeks?"

"I think we have made progress. I was so resistant to the thought of doing this, and I am glad I was coerced into coming."

Dean looked at his phone to check the time. His face fell into a concerned look.

"What's wrong?" Lola asked.

"In the last 20 minutes, I have 14 missed calls."

"Oh goodness, that does not sound like a favorable situation. Who were they from?"

"Alvarez, my sister, my parents, Makayla, and Bruss. Oh my God, what if something is wrong with Allie? I need to go. Thank you so much. I will be back, hopefully, next week."

"Dean, if you need me, please give me a call. Do you understand? If you need to talk or feel like you are going to use, you need to call me. Let me know what's going on please. Usually, I'm not supposed to get involved in personal life outside of this office. I feel it's necessary."

Dean dialed the number to his voicemail. He thanked Lola again, and he left the room.

The first voice he heard was Alvarez.

"Dean, man. It's Alex. Where are you? Why are you not answering your phone? Something's wrong with Allie. I was talking to her, and suddenly, she said she didn't feel good, and she leaned over the bed, and she vomited, and then went limp. The baby's heart rate dropped. They rushed her to surgery. Dude, I am scared. Either get here or call me back. One or the other, or both."

The second message was from Natalie: "Bean, it's Bug. It would be best if you got back to the hospital. Something's wrong with Allie, and it seems to be profoundly serious. Please call me back."

The third message was from Bruss. "Dean. It would be best if you got back to the hospital. I am being asked to make decisions that I don't think are appropriate. I have talked to Alvarez. I feel that I need to speak to you, too. This is your baby. Alvarez already told the doctor that every life-saving measure should be made to save the baby. The baby is Allie's top priority, and she is second. I don't care where you are. I don't care how fast you need to go. I don't care how many laws you break. Get your ass back here now."

Dean hung up the phone. He didn't need to hear any more messages. He knew exactly what the rest of them said.