Forgive Me for I Have Sinned

Allie pulled Peanut close and kissed her head.

"I was stationed in Bitanaia. Malibu and I have been on a rooftop for..."

Seventy-eight hours.

"Seventy-eight hours, about three and a half days. We were hungry, and I was so tired. I could barely keep my eyes focused. I had let Malibu go to sleep. He had been out for about two and a half hours. I saw this man with an AK47. He had a woman next to him. The woman had something underneath a blanket. I couldn't tell exactly what it was. I didn't know if it was a threat or not. I knew that Falcon and Cartman were up on a rooftop to…"

The south.

"The South. The man shouted at the woman. He pointed his gun up at them, and he fired. I hit the woman. My calculation was off. What was under the blanket? She fell to the floor. A small child about the age of two rolled out from underneath her. I watched her pick up her dead baby and cry. She wailed. Her moaning echoed throughout the streets of dust. I had killed the child. I killed somebody's baby. I could have waited. I could have waited to see exactly what was underneath her blanket. But I didn't. I just... Fired. Recoil. Malibu woke up after the second shot. He checked the scope. He confirmed that it was a child. Falcon, Cartman, and Malibu all agreed. This was going to be a secret between all of us. I didn't mean to do it. It was part of my job to take out the shooter. It wasn't a part of my job to kill innocent children and babies. I should have been court-martialed; I should have been stripped of every single ribbon I wore on my chest. I should either rot in the brig for the rest of my life, or I should have been executed."

Allie.

"It had to be done. If I hadn't spilled it out of guilt or drunkenness, I still would have told them. I'm a mother now."

Her eyes welled. Her voice cracked. "You see, Cowboy, what you did was wrong, and what you did hurt me. It hurt me to my core. But there is nothing on earth another person could possibly do that would be as bad as killing someone's child. What if it were me and Gwen? What if we were just an innocent mother and child walking down the road, and somebody killed my baby? Her wails and her moans echo through my brain. Even though I forgot so much, I haven't ever forgotten how she wailed and moaned. I feel her pain, and now that I am a mother, the depths of pain and remorse I feel are cavernous. The very next day, I decided I was not going to re-up. I needed to get out of this hell. I was already doomed to a life in purgatory. That's the day that…"

Allie, please stop. You don't need to go any further. I get it," Dean said.

"Please let me finish. Malibu and I were walking through the village, and he was shot. He got shot, and he died. Malibu paid for my sin. I shot that baby, and then the man I loved died. The very next day. So, you see, Dean. See why I wasn't capable of believing in God? Because I have nothing but fire and brimstone waiting for me when I die if I do. Pushing a rock up a hill every day, dying, and destined to do it again, just like Prometheus. I can forgive you because taking some drugs and screwing some women might hurt me so badly. But somebody killing my baby? It would hurt me. Even more. Then I couldn't survive."

She held Gwen close to her chest and kissed her on her head. "I am never going to let anybody hurt our Peanut. I will protect you until the day I die, my little miracle."

Dean didn't know what to say. He and Alex just looked at each other. They felt nothing but pity and grief for Allie. They did not feel disgust or disdain. He knew it was her job, and she did what she did, didn't want to, or didn't mean to. Yet he knew that even after, he shouldn't. He still did. He couldn't ask her to marry him just because it made her feel good. But now she was going to think it was because he thought she was such a deplorable person.

"Allie, I never knew," Dean said.

Of course, you didn't know. That is it. Now you know why I am the way I am. Or the way I was. But don't you dare pity me. Four people on this planet knew. Three of them are dead. And one carries it with her every single day. I don't deserve pity. That's why I was glad I couldn't have children. That's why It never bothered me. Because I was not worthy of having a child. I took away that woman's child. I should never have the joy of having one.

Alex just sat there saying nothing.

"What are you supposed to say to something like that?" Dean said.

"I understand if both of you cannot be with me. I could even understand if you don't want me raising our daughter, Dean. Maybe I should have died. A life for life."

"Oh, Allie, please don't say that."

"He's right. Don't say something like that. You are here to be Gwen's mom. You made a mistake. We all make mistakes."

"He's right. I'm one of the living proof that we all make mistakes. We can make them throughout our lives. Or we can make them in a brief six months. I may not have killed anybody, Allie, with what I had done. But I know I destroyed you on the inside, and a large part of myself is gone."

Man, caretaker, I wish I could have been there to help you through this. And my death was not a punishment for you taking that child's life. My death was because I enlisted. I carried a rifle. I wore the flag. That's why I died. You didn't die because you made some mistake while I slept. They should never have had us out there for that long. And you know it. And they needed someone to blame someone, and they blamed you. Why do you think you were never court-martialed? If you were court-martialed, they had to have admitted that they left you on top of that building for 78 hours, that's about three and a half days. No break, no sleep. Running on nothing but water and protein bars, but if God took my life for that child's life for your child to be here, I greatly accept that. I would do it 100 times over to know you fell in love and had a child. That's all I ever wanted for you. Big Man is about to ask you to marry him, and you need to say yes. I know the three of you could work something out. You need to fulfill your promise. Fall in love. Get married. Have babies. If you want to honor my memory, and you think the reason that I was murdered was because you accidentally killed a child, then please. Do it for me."

Allie had to put her head back on the pillow, trying to control her tears, but it was not working. Hearing Malibu's words just unleashed a fever of emotion.

"You once called me a storm. A hurricane. I can destroy everything. I can destroy us. All of us."

She felt like she deserved to die. She should have died. She could have died twice. Why didn't he take her? Why didn't Malibu take her to wherever he was going to go?

Do you still want to know what I have done? I did a massive amount of coke, shot up vial after vial of Dilaudid, and drank at least six thousand dollars worth of wine. If I spent that much on wine, think about how much I spent on drugs. I never paid to be with a woman. I didn't have to."

You know what, that's good enough.

Malibu, I just told him I MURDERED a child. Do you think this is going to turn me from him completely?

"Dude, maybe that should be enough sharing time," Alex said.

"No. Continue. Alex, if this bothers you, it will change your attitude towards him back to what it was before I would like you to leave. I can't have you boys at each other's throats again," she said.

"No, I want him to hear this. If he deserves to know what kind of woman he loves, he needs to know what kind of man I was and who I no longer want to be. Maybe I will need him to put me in my place. I will do what I need to to regain his respect."

"Oh, I already don't respect you, so don't worry about losing my respect," Alex said, smiling.

"You're a prick."

"Yep."

"There are some things that I will never tell you. I said something when you were unconscious, and I will never repeat it. Some things I need to keep to myself. I ask you to respect that."

"So how many women did you sleep—"

"Alex, I am not telling you how many women I did anything with," Dean said.

"Tell me," Allie said.

"No."

"Yes. or I am going to think of a number between three and one hundred, and then that's what I am going to believe as Canan. According to the hot gossip, I can tell you how many I have been with."

"I wanted to play high-low."

"Oh, that sounds like fun, Alex!" Allie said.

"You two are enjoying this way too much."

"You have no idea," Alex said.

"Just overall. You don't have to give specific circumstances," she said.

"Fine," he leaned over and whispered in her ear.

"HOLY MOTHER OF GOD! IS L.A. POPULATED WITH NOTHING BUT WHORES!"

"Actually, I was equally whoreish."

How many? Alex mouthed.

I'll tell you later, she mouthed back.

"Seriously?"

"I can tell him now, in front of you."

"Pass," Dean said with a smile.

Allie laughed. "You don't have any passes left if I remember correctly," she said.

"What's the worst thing you did?"

"That I can't say."

"Why?" Alex asked.

"Because I think the worst things I did were the most hypocritical things I did."

"Oh, now you have to, especially if you put either of us down when we did whatever."

"Alright, fine," he said, putting his head down.

He patted his knees a few times, then looked back at them.

"So, that night at Jake's, you two did what you did under the table, and I saw it. Just me. I hated you both because that was so despicable to me. My opinion of you two was less than stellar."

"Oh, this is going to be sweet to hear. You hammered my ass to the wall for this," Allie said.

"So, you went down on some chick under a table?"

"God, I wish that was all that happened," he said, head in his hands. "I got head in front of half a dozen people, out in the open. More than once. Could have been more watching."

"HOLY MOTHER FUCKING SHIT STAPLETON!" Alex blurted out.

"Language, Alex," Allie said.

It gets worse.

It gets worse?

"One of them was from a… guy."

"HOLY FUCKING SHIT!" Allie exclaimed.

"I thought we couldn't swear?"

"Sorry to hear that my ex got a blowjob from a guy. It's surprising, to say the least."

To hear her say ex when he has been in fake marital bliss makes his stomach clench.

"It gets even worse than that."

"What did you do? Murder someone?" Alex asked.

"I had this favorite booth in the back, and I would take women to and—"

"You know what. I'm not feeling as horrible as I was several minutes ago. You don't need to go on. Actually, please, dear lord, DO NOT go on!"

Allie looked horrified. "Who were you? Okay, this was an error in my judgment. It's a jealousy issue, not an anger issue. Which is hypocritical of me."

"At least you love Alex, and you did screw…"

"Yes? Do you have a number to use as an example?"

"Really, Alex? "

"It's more than two times more than I have," she said.

"Wow," Alex said. "I know her baseline number and… wow."

Alright, dude. I get it. This is why I didn't want to say anything.

Are you sure you didn't get anyone pregnant out there? I mean, you are the self-proclaimed king.

"Absolutely positively."

"No crazy chicks who might have done something weird or stupid with your… um… stuff?"

The memory of him handing Lynne the used condom came to mind how he treated her when she came back from the bathroom. "Fuck"

"Dean?"

"Dean, was there anyone crazy enough …"

"No. No. I was careful. You're definitely the only baby mama I have Buttercup."

"I have no baby mamas, just so you know." Alex bragged.

"Thank you, Mi Vida, but your dick is not the one that concerns me. Wow. I am realizing how messed up the situation I put you two in. I'm sorry to both of you. If either or both of you are uncomfortable with what I did, please leave."

No. God, Allie, don't. I should not have said anything. I don't want to leave. I will never leave you and Peanut again. I quit my job. No more beauru You are not a hypocrite. You are nothing like me. You have nothing but love in your heart."

"Cara Mia, he's right. You and I have loved each other before, and we fell in love again. And if you would rather marry me, I am more than prepared to ask, minus a ring.

Dean stood up. "The hell you are." "Dean, I know where this is going. I know what you're going to ask. I know what I said in the letter. But I don't deserve love. I have tried to tell both of you that I don't deserve to be loved for the last how many years."

"God. I can't believe I fucked things up AGAIN. That seems to be my M.O. with you," Dean said.

Dean took Allie's good hand into his. He kissed it.

"Buttercup, please don't say that. You have two people here who would literally move mountains for you to be with them. You have two people here who would willingly stand before a bullet to protect you at Peanut. Marry me. Just marry me, please. We'll figure out the rest later." "He's right. We'll all figure it out together," Alex said.

"Dean stood up and pulled Gram's ring out of his pocket."

"Dean, I know what I put in the letter, but please don't---"

He kissed her. He looked directly into the storm and whispered, "Marry me."

Alex looked at her. He looked at Peanut. "No. Nope. I can't. I at least have to try."

"Allie, I would regret it the rest of my life if I didn't at least ask. Marry me."

"Malibu, you can go home now. I love you forever.".

This is how I figured this was how this story would end.

No, my love. This is where the story begins.

I am glad you have made peace and a decision because I am going to be late.

What could you be late for?

Wouldn't you like to know?

"Yes. That is why I asked."

You wanted to know exactly what I was? Give it five seconds.

She was so confused. Malibu what the does–

I'll see you around the playground. I love you, Alexsandra, and I always will. Thank you for loving me and keeping my memory alive. They're about to play my song.

He faded away. A lullaby played over the loudspeaker five seconds later, signifying a newborn baby.

"No way. He was a soul the whole time," she whispered. "Oh fuck, there's going to be another Malibu Ken roaming this earth."

"Allie? Are you alright? You went radio silent," Dean asked.

"Yeah. I was thinking about Ken. I miss him." "Already."

"Well? Do you have an answer?" Alex asked.

"I mean, don't make a rushed decision," Dean quickly added.

She looked between the two unbelievably handsome men. "No, I think I know who I belong with."

Thank you for reading the Apprehension series. I hope you enjoyed it. Who do you think Allie ended up with? Who did you want Allie to end up with? Comment and tell