Death Notes

"ICU, can I help you?"

"Hi, Jenny. It's me."

The door buzzed.

"Congratulations, Dean. I heard you have a beautiful little girl with the most beautiful green eyes," Jenny said.

"Is she back in a MIC?"

"No. She is back on all the monitors and receiving blood products. I heard that your family and friends were able to donate to her. That's wonderful and a rarity. I'll be there every half hour."

"Thank you for everything," he said.

"Hey Baby." He took her hand and kissed it. "Speaking of babies, we have the most beautiful one ever created."

He's not being biased Caretaker.

"HOLY SHIT! Didn't we have this huge, dramatic, heartfelt goodbye?"

He stayed quiet.

"You wanted to see how this turns out, didn't you?"

Okay, yes. I'm invested. I have come this far.

"You wanted to know who I ended up with."

I mean, come on. Wouldn't you? Big guy or Mark Consuelos?

"Ooooo I like him."

He is a fine-looking man. Alex isn't bad either, but he's no Mark. You and the big guy did make one of the cutest little people ever. I think it's because her name is Kendra.

"Her middle name is Kendra. I will retract that if you don't calm down about it."

I wonder how excited your baby's daddy was when you added Alexis. I hope Alex...… Rodriguez is in the room.

"Where are my Air Pods?" Dean checked his pants pockets and his duffle bag. "Did I leave them in my car?" he asked himself.

Dean opened the drawers on the side table from bottom to top. "There they are."

Something caught his attention. He saw an envelope up against the back of the drawer. He reached in and pulled out a little stack of envelopes. There was one for Makayla, Bruss, Alex and Dean.

"Allie, am I supposed to read this?"

She just lay there, sleeping off the sedation and the stress of the day.

"Oh shit. He found the letters."

"What? You don't want him to read his?"

"It's a death note, Ken. And I am not dead."

Then you better wake the fuck up.

"Wake me up."

I can't do that.

"Why are you here again?"

Well, you aren't out of the woods yet. Dude, what if he reads all of them? I mean, let's be honest. I would have read all of them.

"I'm going to read mine. Okay, Buttercup? If not, say no," he said. He waited. "I'll take that as a yes. I can go ahead."

Dean,

If you're reading this, then something has happened to me, and I am dead. When I was in the military, Malibu and I exchanged letters in case one of us didn't make it out alive. We didn't want to leave things unsaid, we totally screwed the pooch on that one.

You know I love you. We have been through so much together. I am sorry that I broke things off before you left. I tried to get a hold of you, tell you that I would wait, and I still wanted to marry you; I guess it wasn't meant to be.

Maybe it was better that way. You shouldn't feel guilty for anything that happened in California. I do remember the letter. It came back to me three days ago. I could have done without remembering but I did. It hurts me to know that you were with so many women.

One person will not make you an addict. So, by reasonable deduction, it had to be a lot. I feel bad for you. You had gone from being with people who meant so much to you to being with people who meant nothing.

I know what you thought about me. I know what you assumed. Just like everyone else. Why didn't I ever correct people? Because what difference did it make? What you think of people is front-page news. The truth is page six. Dean, I have obviously been with more than three people. I believe most perpetually single women my age have, but I haven't been with thirty-something as some of the rumors say. I have been with ten (one was a woman, and one I don't talk about, so don't ask.) From age sixteen to a couple of days ago. I will say that I truly loved three.

When you said, "Go back to my old ways," I guess I did. I stayed faithful, and then I went back to someone I loved. I'm not telling you this to make you feel bad. I am telling you so you know the kind of person I am—well, the type of person I was.

You need to do something for me. Keep Alex in Peanut's life. I'm not saying shared custody, but I think a few days a month would be fair. Keep getting to know him. If he is someone I love, you might like him. You know I have good taste; I love you, don't I? He enjoys a nice salad and grilled chicken, too.

Our daughter is named Gwendolyn Alexis Kendra Grace Kingston-Stapleton. Do not deviate. I thought about this since I found out I was having a little girl. We would have made a beautiful family. You would have made a fantastic husband, not that it carries much weight, and I know that you would be a good father.

It bothers me that this society finds it so wrong if a person loves two people simultaneously. We fall in love while we may still love someone before them. There must be more people like me who sacrifice love just because someone said it's wrong. I almost died a few weeks ago. Shouldn't I have been able to live my best life? Now I AM dead, but at least I did get to love you both simultaneously.

As Malibu made me promise to do for him, I ask you to do for me: fall in love, get married, and have (more) babies. I love you more than all the words on all pages of all the books in the world. Same for Gwen +1.

I love you Cowboy, Farm Boy, (and Dan),

Alexsandra Grace Kingston

The end of the letter made him laugh a little bit through his tears.

"Dan. Haha, very funny, Buttercup. I am unsure how I should take a lot of this. When you wake up, then what? How will you keep loving both of us at the same time?

Wow, Caretaker. You went through twelve years, hell and gunfire raining down on you, and you end up shooting yourself in the foot in your death note!

"What are you talking about?"

Your ass is going to wake up, and he's going to pull out that extremely special family heirloom. AND you already said yes.

"Oh fuck. I was supposed to be dead when he read it!"

I hope you didn't put the same thing in Danilo Carrera's letter.

Thankfully, no. At least, I don't remember saying it.

Dude, this could get as sticky as a used condom up in this bitch.

"You have the most brilliant mind. Has anyone ever told you that?"

No.

"There's a reason."

Yeah, but I am funny as hell!

"You're not exactly George Carlin."

Sean William Scott?

"I'll give it to you."

Dean shuffled through the letters. He stared at Alex's for several seconds. Just as he was about to open it, Alex entered the room.

"How's she doing?" he asked.

He threw the letters in the drawer. "She seems to be sleeping off the anesthesia."

Hey, Caretaker, Michael Pena just came in.

"Oh great."

Good thing you have two feet.

"Please stifle it."

"How are you holding up?" Alex asked.

"I am not sure. It's like I'm sitting in the eye of a hurricane."

"She is quite a hurricane, isn't she?"

"How's Gwen?" He asked.

"Bruss and Shelly are up there. They had to pretty much call security to get Natalie out."

Alex laughed. "So, what's in the drawer?"

"What? What drawer?" he asked.

"I'm a cop, Dean. Not a politician. I don't ignore things, and I don't look the other away. Plus, she was reaching for the top drawer when she started with the vomit. She was worried she wasn't going to survive her C-section coming up."

Dean opened the door and took it out. He held it between his fingers.

"Did you read it?"

"Of course not! It's yours," he said.

"Ah-uh. I walked in?"

"You walked in," he nodded his head and smiled.

Alex snatched the letter from between his fingers.

"I'm going to go get some coffee. Do you want any?" he asked.

"Yeah, thanks." Alex unfolded the letter.

Alex,

If you're reading this, then I am dead, and this is my death note. Malibu and I exchanged them, and I have written one to Dean. First and foremost, I love you. You have been a godsend to me. You were there when I needed someone. You know how much I hated to ask for help, but I was in a dark place. You were my light.

You were the Knight who saved me from my tower. If I hadn't been pregnant when that letter arrived, if I was alone, I am sure that I would have drunk myself into a stupor, passed out, and choked on my vomit. I love Dean. I love Malibu, and you let me. You never told me to "get over″ either of them.

I told Dean I wanted you in Peanut's life—at least a few days a month. I am honored that you wanted me to be your wife. I remember the letter—I remembered the bulk three days ago. I wish I could have married you both. That would have been my perfect family, and that is what would have made me happy going forward with my life.

Help Dean take care of Peanut. Like I said to Dean, make me a promise that you will fall in love, get married, and have some babies of your own.

Please don't mourn my loss. Celebrate my life and have popcorn and a John Wick marathon occasionally. Oh, Dance with Peanut to our song, or dance with her to your song. You know how much she loves music, and remember, Life ain't always beautiful, but it's a beautiful ride.

I love you, Mi Vida,

Cara Mia -Alexsandra Grace Kingston.

That was nice, Caretaker. No gunfire involved.

"Thanks for your seal of approval."

Damn, you made these two large men cry. Shit, you have a way with words.

Dean walked back in with the coffee. Alex was sitting with his head hung low. You could see the tears dripping down his nose.

"She got you too?" Dean asked.

"Man. Dude, she threw something in there from the very first day we met five years ago!"

He folded up the letter, put it back in the envelope, and put it back in the drawer.

"Damn. What was it? If I can ask," Dean said.

"The day we met, I was actually her FTO."

"No shit. And they allowed you two to have a relationship?" Dean asked.

"No. Not exactly."

"You waited for her, didn't you? Till her training was up?"

"Kinda, sort of. After her first shift, she was at Muldoon's—" Alex said.

"Oh shit. I think I know where this is going."

"Where do you think it's going?"

"A one-night-only offer," Dean said.

"Yes."

"See, I knew it."

"From me," Alex said.

"What?"

"The one-night-only offer came from me."

"Oh. That was unexpected."

"She was in a slightly intoxicated state, and I offered to take her home," Alex said.

"Wow. So, you wrote her playbook."

"Dean, do you want to hear the story or not."

"I do," Dean said.

"We got back to my place."

"Wait, I thought you were taking her home. Like her home."

"That was the plan, but she had just moved here three months prior and didn't have her address exactly memorized, especially since she'd had so many tequila shots. So, I decided that we would go back to my place, and in the morning, when she sobered up, I would take her back to her place when she remembered her address. When she went inside my house, she looked at some family photos on my wall in the living room. She was looking through, and evidently, it sparked something that made her emotional. She was talking about missing her prom. How she just wanted to dance. So, I turned on some music and asked her to dance," Alex explained.

"What song?"

"Life Ain't Always Beautiful by Gary Allen.

"Wow, that's a little depressing, isn't it?"

"I just wanted her to know that no matter what she's been through, that life is worth living."

"OK, I can kind of understand," Dean said.

"We danced, and about after the first two verses, she broke down and cried. And when I say broke down, I mean down to the floor and cried."

"And after that, what? You took her into your room, and you screwed her? When she was that vulnerable."

"No, actually, we went to sleep. We held hands and went to sleep. The following day when she woke up and she was OK, I screwed her. But she referenced the song. Then, after your letter came, I danced with her again. I asked her if the song we danced to could be our song.

"And what was that song?"

"She's every woman, Garth Brooks," Alex said.

"Damn, now that's a good song. And it describes her perfectly."

"Yeah, I know. She told in the letter to dance with Peanut to that song. Then she ended the letter with Always remember life. Always beautiful, but it's a beautiful ride."

"Jesus Christ, dude, no wonder you're crying," Dean said.

"She can't die, Dean. She can't. If I can't be with her, I definitely don't want to live in a world without her."

"I know, man. I get it."

"What about the other ones?"

"She's not dead, so I don't think it's necessary," Alex said.

"You guys knew I wasn't dead, and you still read them!"

Did you really think they weren't going to read theirs?

"Well, now what am I going to do?"

Short of staying asleep for the rest of your life, I suggest you wake up and face the music.

"I would say, dear God, kill me now, but then again, that might seem a little distasteful considering the last month of my life."

Ya think? How long do you think it'll take before the big guy asks you to marry him?

"I'm hoping he at least waits till I'm discharged."

Well, you didn't wait till you were discharged for the last thing you guys did together.

"Okay, Truth. How many times have you watched?"

I should have stayed disappeared.

"Oh my God, Are you serious?"

Okay, I guess I wasn't kidding, but I mean, come on! It wasn't every time. A couple of showers here or there, a little bit of. What did you expect from me? I'm dead. I have no entertainment whatsoever. AND it's not like I haven't seen it all before. All right, Princess, it's time for you to wake up.

"I guess I don't mind too much. Glad I could give you just a little pleasure in your afterlife. Wish me luck."

You don't believe in luck.

"Lord, give me the strength not to kill both these manbabies. The wisdom to change things I can. And the courage to look both of them in the eye while I plan my future."

I'm pretty sure that's not exactly how it goes.

"That is the first time I have prayed in like 20 years."

Jillian came into Allie's room, rolling a plastic bassinet.

OK, now you have to wake up! Your Peanut is here!

"I thought you would like to see your daughter. She's pretty famous. I bet twenty people saw her today. Most of them saw her through a window, but she was seen, nonetheless," Jillian said.

God, I forgot how small she is.

Jillian picked Gwen up and gave her to Dean.

"Here's your daddy." She looked at Alex and then at Dean. "You are the daddy, right?"

Dean smiled, "Yes."

He looked at his daughter. "She really is beautiful. Isn't she?"

"Breathtaking, just like her Mama."

See, I told you that you were breathtaking

"Now what?" Dean asked.

"I have no idea. She usually tells us what to do."

"Well, we better figure it out, Allie croaked out. "Oh my God, do I hurt. Please tell me I'm on the pumpy thingy."

Alex handed her the plunger. She pressed it about fifteen times.

"You remember that it gives you one dose at a time?"

"I was hoping for a miracle. God seems to be handing them out lately," she said.

She looked at Gwen. "Holy crap! Is that our baby?"

"No, I borrowed one. Thought I would give it a test drive," Dean said.

"Smart ass."

"Would you have me any other way?"

"Oh, I can think of a couple of different ways I'd like to have you.

He handed her to Allie.

"Oh my God! Is that ALL you think about nowadays!"

"Well, sex with the two of you is definitely…"

Gwen opened her eyes.

"Oh my god, look at her eyes! Yeah, that's ours. She has your eyes, my nose, and my mouth. Malibu was right. She's beautiful," she said.

"Malibu's been talking to you? Maybe that thing did give you a double dose."

"Yeah, if you're seeing your dead boyfriend, we need to have them turn the dosage down," Alex said.

"How are my boys?" she asked. "Wait, you two seem to be getting along. And I wasn't even conscious."

"We've kind of…"

"Sort of…"

"Started getting along a little better," Alex said.

"Really? So, what, you've decided not to beat each other up EVERY day."

"No. Buttercup. You'll be so proud of me. When I was allowed to see Peanut, I got to take another person with me, and guess who I picked."

"Considering you're trying to impress me... and I'm just spitballing here, but you took Alex," she said.

"I took Alex!"

"He took me."

They both looked incredibly proud of themselves.

"I was the first to hold her, of course. He had enough firsts already."

"I am proud of you two. This will make the battle of the threesome easier," she ribbed.

"Really? Still, throwing that idea around? You haven't made any kind of decision or revelation already?"

"Now, why would you think that?"

"Just wondering if the near-death experience changed anything," Dean asked.

"You read the letters, didn't you?"

"What?"

"Us?"

"Noooo."

They both said together.

"You two do realize how much alike you two are?" she asked.

"Yes, but who's bigger?"

"Well, if you want to know, I'll tell you…"

At that moment, a woman came in.

"Ms. Kingston?"

"Yes."

"OH, COME ON!" they both exclaimed.

"Hi, I'm Marsha. I am the lactation consultant. I wanted to see if you would like to try feeding Gwendolyn," she said.

"Oh, that would be awesome."

She looked back and forth at the guys.

"Do you want the gentleman in the room?" she asked.

"It's okay, I'm the father," Dean said.

"No, I thought I'm the father."

"Maybe you are the father."

"No, dude, go ahead, you can be the father," Alex said. "I like my sleep."

Marsha was looking very confused.

"Let's just go with both of them can stay."

"Okay. Now, Allie, I need you to position her lower lip away from the base of your nipple. Her lip should be turned outward, kind of like a fish face. She should lead into the breast chin first and then latch onto your breast," she said.

She helped Allie through the steps. Gwen was so tiny, and Allie's breasts had grown large.

"Am I too big for her to feed?"

No, dear, she only needs the nipple. It takes a couple of tries. Don't be discouraged. Her tongue should be extended. Remember, just like a fish face with her lips. There. The baby's mouth is properly suckling on the nipple," she smiled. "Very good!"

"Dude, we've been doing it wrong the entire time," Dean said.

Allie thought Marsha was going to faint.

"Thank you, Marsha. I appreciate your help."

"If you have any questions, just have the nurse contact me," she said.

"I will. You are so sweet."

Marsha walked out of the room quickly.

Allie's eyes got wide.

"You two are unbelievable!"

"That is so exquisite," Alex said, watching Gwen feed.

"It really is magnificent."

"Do you know what's more beautiful than a pregnant woman?" Alex asked.

"My beautiful wife feeding my baby girl?"

"Yep."

"Good Christ! Who are you two? I mean, did you two hook up while I was bleeding to death? Oh God, did you two go back outside and hit each other again?" she asked. "Or maybe found a janitor's closet to duck into?"

"Seriously!"

"Well, you are kind of hot, dude," Dean said with a laugh.

"Well, thank you, Dean."

"You're welcome, Alex."

"I'm convinced that you to screwed while I was unconscious."

"Look, you wanted us to get to know each other and become friends. Now we are being civilized humans, and you are questioning, why?"

"You never answered me."

The sound of Gwen feeding was like light reflecting through a beautiful piece of crystal. Her little hums, the sound of her swallowing, the air moving in and out of her nose Was the greatest symphony ever heard,"

"Did you read the letters?"

They both looked at each other.

"Maybe a couple of lines."

"You know how much I love to do lines, babe. HA! I said it before you could!"

He pointed to Alex.

"Damn it, that's what I was going to say!"

"Exchange them."

"What?" they asked.

"Swap the letters. I want you each to see what I said to the other."

They both looked apprehensive.

"What are you scared of? That I told one of you to kill the other and take the baby to Canada?" she asked.

She would have chosen Hawaii. She did love the eight months we spent there.

Dean opened the drawer and pulled out the letters.

"Can we read the other—"

She cut Dean off.

"No. No, you may not. I may have told one of them to kill you."

They exchanged them. There were a slew of emotions running through their faces.

"Really? Is this true?" Dean asked.

"Yeah, baby. Is this true?"

"Every word."

"Well, how am I supposed to process this?" Dean said.

"These are my feelings, guys. These are not BETWEEN you two. They are BETWEEN us. Because all of us are involved."

"So, would you have said yes?" Alex asked. "Fuck, I should have killed you in the ambulance bay."

"First of all... language, and second, you are not seeing the bigger picture here."

"Well, Allie, I see that you want to marry him but be with both of us," Alex said.

"You know what? Neither of you has kissed me yet. I almost died. AND I'm breastfeeding your child," she said.

"Oh my God, Buttercup, I am so sorry."

"Cara Mia, forgive me. We are being selfish."

And stupid. Don't forget, stupid.

"And stupid," she said.

Dean leaned in and kissed her. His lips were soft and gentle. He gently placed his hand on the back of Gwen's head and kissed her on her tiny forehead.

When he pulled away, he wasn't exactly sure what he would feel about seeing Alex kiss her.

Alex leaned in. He turned to Dean.

"She wants me too, but do you mind? I'm going to kiss her anyway, but…"

Dean really couldn't believe what he just heard. Did he care?

"It's what she wants. Not what I want."

Allie put Gwen on her other breast. The little girl fed as she looked up at her mommy.

Alex leaned in and kissed her on the lips, holding Allie's cheek. He didn't touch Gwen, who was never going to be his. He touched Allie because he knew that part of her was still his.

"Allie, you put in my letter that if I asked…" Dean's sentence sort of railed off.

Oh, shit Caretaker here we go... bang bang.

"Really Cowboy? Here and now? If you're about to do what I think you're about to do."

"Yeah. Alexsandra, you have almost died twice in the last few weeks. If I don't ask you now, you might be dead by tomorrow at the rate you're going," Dean said.

"He makes a really good point. You have dodged, dipped, dived, ducked, and dodged death these last few weeks," Alex said.

Dean looked at Alex.

"I want you to be here. But I can understand if you don't."

"How about a sidebar?"

Alex and Dean left Allie alone to nurse Gwen.

"Alex, look..." Dean said.

"Yeah, I'm not a fucking moron. You are going to pull her engagement ring out of your pocket and purpose because you know she will say yes."

"Of course I am. You would do the same thing, wouldn't you?"

"Yes. And maybe I want to ask her," he said. "I have asked her before. Just because I don't have a ring in my pocket doesn't mean I don't want to."

"I don't want you out of her life. Well, I do, but I don't. I am very conflicted about all of this. I just want her to be happy, cared for, and safe."

"Look at us, Dean. People would pay us good money for the two of us to keep them safe. And you know damn well, without even asking, that I would keep them safe. You were willing to die for them; don't expect anything less from me."

"Yeah, been there. I'm going to ask her. She says yes, she says yes. I am going to go along with what makes her happy. I'm never going to ask you to leave Gwen."

"Or Allie?" he asked.

"I'm not going to tell you to leave, but can we just see how this plays out?"

"I can't stop you, and I am not done fighting you for her, but obviously, that will not get us anywhere. Let's face it, I can put up a really good fight, but, in the end, she's going to pick you anyway. She has, and she always will. I said it before, and I'm repeating it. She already said so."

Dean put his hand out, and they pulled each other in for another bro hug.

"This is fucking weird," Alex said.

"This is beyond fucking weird."

They parted.

"I might need a little help when she comes home. I don't know if I can be both daddy and caretaker simultaneously. You don't have to, but it would help me out. Her out."

"Anything you need, man," Alex told him.

They walked back into the room.

Allie put her finger over her mouth to silence them.

"Are we still friends?" she asked. "Or am I giving you boys another talking to?"

"I think we are still acquaintances," Dean smiled.

"We still agree to tolerate each other."

"Dean, didn't we create the most beautiful little person in the world?"

"Yes. She's the most---"

He stopped and started to cry.

Alex turned to him.

"Dude, you cry a lot," Alex whispered.

"Fuck you, don't be a prick," he whispered back.

"It's not mean if it's true," he snapped.

"God Alexsandra, I am so sorry. I can't believe what I have done, what I have done to you both. I am a detestable person. I gave into lust and pressure."

"I told you before you left you were not cut out for UC work. You are too kind. You strive to please everyone."

And apparently, he pleased A LOT of people.

Malibu, not now.

"You said in your letter that I am not your priest. Before I spend eternity with one of you, I want you to confess to me."

"Oh, Shit Allie. I can't do that. Just like you could never tell me what you did."

"I'll tell you my most appalling story, at least one I can remember," she said.

I can help you with the details that you need.

That's spectacular because I am going to need it.

"So, who wants to go first, Dean?" she asked.

"Want me to go first? You know what? I'm going to go first. Because ANYTHING you have to tell me will not compare to what I tell you. You will never want to see me, be with me, have me hold our child ever again."

"Allie, it's Ok. But I don't think you want to hear what I have to say about---"

Do you remember Bitanaia?

Oh, Caretaker, don't go there.

Why? If either of these men are going to want to be with me, then let them hear the worst.

How much do you remember?

Depends on what you remember.

Alexsandra, I remember everything like it happened this morning.

Then let's go.

I added the chapter to Allie's Phone. I'm sorry for all the missed chapters (they were misnumbered