The Orks Way

The ork on the ground twitched, let out a gurgling noise, and then went still. Zoggit nodded sagely. "Knew it. Wasn't important."

Then another runt came sprinting up, even more panicked. "Boss! Boss! We's in trouble!"

Zoggit narrowed his eyes. This time, he was more careful. He clenched his fists just enough to stop himself from reflexively smashing the little git into the ground. "Right," he rumbled. "What's happenin'?"

"Boss—somethin' red fell from da sky! Fire everywhere! BOOM—'ole camp's on fire! An' da big mek—got roasted into ash!"

Zoggit's tiny, beady red eyes widened. "You sayin' a fireball fell from da sky?" he asked, tilting his head back to check. The sun was still hanging there, looking the same as ever. He scowled. "Oi! You lyin' to me? I swear if I look up again an' see da same zoggin' sky, I'm gonna—"

"Boss, wait!" the ork shrieked. "It ain't da sun! It's da fire! Da humies did it! Burned up da whole armory! An' worst of all—"

The boy hesitated, clearly unsure of how to say what came next. Zoggit loomed over him. "Spit it out, ya runt!"

The boy gulped. "Boss… our best big mek—he got turned into ash by a humie shrimp!"

"You little liar!" Zoggit bellowed, his deep voice rattling the walls of the warcamp. "Humies are all runty little shrimps, and shrimps are weak! There's no way Grimgutz got turned to ash! He's a great Big Mek! The best! And Big Meks don't just go gray from some scrawny humie!"

In the relatively young warband of Da Tuska Boyz, barely a year into its Waaagh!, Big Mek Grimgutz held an almost god-like status. Among orks, the hierarchy was simple—size and strength ruled. 

But Grimgutz? He was something else. He was just below the towering mass of Zoggit himself, and above everyone else by a long shot. No ork dared cross him, not because he was the biggest, but because he was the smartest. Even Zoggit, for all his size and might, treated the Mek with wary respect. After all, Zoggit's ride? Built by Grimgutz. When it broke? Fixed by Grimgutz. His favorite 'bang bang'—a gun so big and loud it shook the camp? A gift from the Mek.

So how could someone that important be taken out by a bunch of humies? It didn't make sense.

The trembling ork boy who had delivered the news wiped the sweat off his brow. He had to think fast. If he didn't, he'd be dead. Simple as that. His green mind scrambled to piece together something, anything, to keep Zoggit from turning him into paste. So, he did the only thing that made sense. He made something up. "Uh—boss! It weren't just one humie! There were loads of 'em! Yeah! A whole swarm of 'em came rushin' down da mountain like a tidal wave! Some of 'em was jumpin' off cliffs, screamin' all crazy-like, and others came dancin' out like… uh… like dey thought dey was da best gits in da whole galaxy!"

Zoggit's beady red eyes widened. His guards leaned in, grinning. "Oi, then what?!" one of them demanded, waving his choppa excitedly.

"Yeah! Did dey all go gray?!"

"What kinda dance woz it? Was it better than my big ork chicken dance?!"

The young ork hesitated. This was bad. He had them too interested. He'd built up the fight so much that he didn't know how to end it. Even real writers needed time to figure out an ending! He was just making this up on the spot! 'Help me, Gork. Help me, Mork. Someone—'

Then, salvation arrived. "You lot don't need to ask," Zoggit declared, crossing his arms with an air of supreme wisdom. He wiped his eyes—though everyone knew that Boss Zoggit didn't cry—before straightening his back. "I already know what happened."

The entire camp leaned in. Zoggit's tone was solemn, almost reverent. "A while back, Grimgutz was workin' on sumfin real special. He said it was da most powerful weapon ever made. Somethin' only da smartest Big Meks could even think about buildin'. He called it…"

He let the silence drag. "The Dimenshun Shokka Kannon." The boy's eyes widened. He had no idea what that was, but he nodded anyway. "Boss is rigt! It woz da Dimenshun Shokka Kannon!"

Zoggit smirked. "'Course I'm right. It ain't guesswork—it's reasonin'!"

The guards all nodded in awe. The young ork did his best not to look completely lost. Zoggit cracked his knuckles. "Now, da Dimenshun Shokka Kannon—it's da most genius, most brutal, and most garbage weapon evah made." He started counting on his massive fingers. "It's da most genius 'cause only da smartest Meks could ever build one. It's da most brutal 'cause when it works, it makes da biggest, bestest, loudest BOOM ya ever saw. And it's da most garbage 'cause—well, it's always got problems. I knew it'd blow up one day!"

The camp roared in agreement. The logic was flawless. "So that's what happened!" Zoggit said, nodding sagely. "Grimgutz didn't die to humies! He died makin' history!"

A great explosion! A legendary weapon, too powerful even for its own creator! A final BANG that turned everything—including the pesky humies—to ash!

What better ending could there possibly be?

The young ork's legs nearly gave out in relief. "Yeah! Yeah! That's exactly what happened! Boss, yer brilliant!"

Zoggit smirked. "'Course I am. The Zoggit Boss was in a good mood. With a toothy grin, he patted the nearby orc on the head—hard enough to make the poor greenskin sway—and said, "Oi, don't go worshippin' me too much, yeah? I'm just an extraordinary, powerful, and brilliant warboss. But if ya keep trainin' real hard, pushin' yaself, one day ya might just reach a tenth of me greatness."

"Boss, that's impossible!" the orc blurted out, eyes full of awe. "No matter how hard I try, I'd be lucky to reach one percent of ya power!"

Zoggit, the Boss, smirked. At least the lad knew his place. "What's yer name, boy?" he asked.

"Uh, Zhanzhan, boss. That's what they all call me." Zoggit's smirk twitched.' Zhanzhan? What kind of runty name is that?' He curled his lip in disdain but didn't say it out loud. Instead, he nodded and spoke in his most wise and battle-hardened voice. "Listen, Zhanzhan. This ain't the orky way. Can't be givin' up just 'cause I'm too great. Us orks—we never quit. We keep fightin'. That's the orky spirit! The moment ya stop tryin', ya might as well be a grot."

Zhanzhan straightened up, smacking his chest. "Boss, ya words hit me right in the teef! I wanna write 'em down, keep 'em forever!"

Zoggit nodded approvingly. "That's the spirit! Right, since ya got this kinda drive, ya can be my personal follower. I'll train ya meself. Ain't no way ya won't reach at least one-tenth of my level under my guidance. Now, I got a job for ya—round up all the tribal bosses, even the ones from the smaller clans. Got somethin' important to tell 'em."