Chapter 18. "Really, really, really, really, really, really, really."
Hey!
I hope -as always- that this finds all of you well, wherever you may happen to be.
You too Kid.
If you happen to be reading along.
The world has been...well, more accurately AMERICA seems to be in quite the strange place these days.
It kind of feels like 2016 all over again for some strange reason.
Hmm.
I don't think that I like that in the least.
I hope that Canada doesn't close its borders to those of us who may not care to stick around very much longer lbvs.
If anyone in Canada is reading this, please put in a good word for me lbvs, I like to believe that I am a pretty decent human being.
I am also quite single if that matters lol
Just me, by books, and my little cat, Kiba.
lol.
We need a half-decent place to stay in Canada!
I love it here in America.
I was born and raised here.
But it may be time to see some new sights lbvs.
Life is too short to stay in one place.
Maybe a little studio in a small town where I could work as a Private Security Officer while simultaneously writing these books for my pool of 100-something Readers lol.
Ah...
A boy can dream.
A 36-year-old boy, that is.
Sink your teeth into this new entry folks.
-You too, Kid.-
And I will see you back here soon enough.
Enjoy.
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September 10th, 2018.
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Dear You...
I hate life...
I'm not happy.
I don't like where I am.
I don't care about anything at this point, and if that doesn't change, I'd be fine with it.
I'm tired of being alive.
I'm tired of working.
I'm tired of stress.
I'm tired of being in pain.
I'm tired of petty arguments.
I'm just tired all around...
I don't believe in suicide...
But I also want to just leave this planet and sleep forever...
I don't want to deal with bills, food, people, work, anything...
I feel like I can't do anything right, and even when I do, it's just not good enough...
Sorry Kid.
I didn't mean for you to witness this "darker" corner of my mind...
I just tend to write when I am stressed and tired.
I need to just get away for a while.
-Dad.
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Continued.
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I couldn't kill myself.
I think it's too selfish...
It may take your pain away...
But it leaves a bunch of pain behind for the people who care about you...
But I really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, just want to take 25 sleeping pills and just lay down.
But then what?
What comes after death?
-Dad.
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Another one of those double entries huh? lol.
-I can't recall what it was that had me in that mood, but I can remember feeling that heavy energy that day.
I know that I was not very happy in my relationship at the time, and that having a couple of roommates was not helping the matter in the least.
I never seemed to be able to get anything right.
I never seemed to have enough money.
I never seemed to be able to make the woman I was with happy.
I had no idea that she was living with an undiagnosed form of bipolar disorder.
There was little that I COULD have done, you know?
Bah.
-My views on death and suicide have changed over the years. I support suicide.
I do.
Hear me out, Kid.
Before you step off from that hypothetical ledge.
People deserve to find peace.
If they have tried everything they could, talked to anyone and everyone who could help or would listen?
If they have come to the conclusion that there is simply nothing left here for them, then why should they not be allowed to let go?
Life is hard...
It is MUCH harder for some than others.
I am not condoning or advocating for suicide, no.
Nonetheless, I believe that we as a people only look down on it and think it is so selfish because of how it makes US feel, and the effect that it has on the ones who loved that individual, the ones who are "left behind"
Is that not selfish in itself?
Must that person suffer and linger simply because 20 other people are "happy" to see them alive?
What a strange and HUMAN dilemma...
I am truly sorry if any of you have lost someone close to you to that darkness...
The thoughts and feelings can be so fucking intrusive.
I understand them a bit too well, trust me.
Honestly, you all keep me around.
You are my Readers.
You give me a reason to be.
To live.
To keep writing.
My short stories.
My poetry.
My old Journals.
This little series...
All of it keeps you all coming, and you all coming keeps me going.
Wait...
That was worded a bit weirdly lol.
Keep coming though!
It's good for your immune system lmao.
And mine.
-I feel like I get bouts of...like...extreme restlessness and detachment.
I don't think my suicidal thoughts are so much like "I want to die" as they are more like "I want to sleep forever" If that makes any sense?
-Writing is still my go-to when I am stressed or whatnot.
I write a decent amount of poetry, or I will convert the negative feelings into a short story and plug it into my ever-growing world. Find something that will both fulfill and sustain you Kid. I can't stress that enough. Life is hard, yes.
But it is also quite beautiful.
In many, many ways.
-What comes after death?
Hell if I know.
I've heard my fair share of stories and theories, as I am sure that you have.
My personal thoughts?
I...hmm.
Over my 36 years, my belief system has evolved and shifted so many times, and in so many ways that at times I really just have no idea.
In short?
Reincarnation based on your moral core and actions taken in this life.
I think that as shit as humanity can be to itself and each other, we are doing better with time, you know?
Mayhap a bit too slowly...
But yes.
Just be a decent human.
That is not that hard folks.
You don't have to be nice to everyone to be a kind person.
You don't have to talk to everyone you see, or be super social.
Just be kind.
Why not?
It hurts no one.
I'll leave you all with that.
See you next time Kid.
If you read this...
If you exist.
Safe travels out there in the real world folks.
And as always:
Stay safe.
Stay healthy.
Stay vigilant.
-Redd.