Bon Bao - What A Ride

What a ride! Bon Bao had never been crushed against rocks by a million tons of water, or whatever, then shot up into the air and rescued by a ring of bubbles. He suspected the expedition could have solved the problem in other ways. It wasn't an approach he wanted to try again. That said, he was glad for having tried it once. The spectacle made Renjie all mushy and fawning. Even Delicious Lambchop was almost willing to cuddle in public.

There was time. Spectacular as the blasting water was, there was a lot of water to drain. The hydromancer and engineers huddled about why the water had backed up so much, what that implied about the state of the interior, and whether to prioritize repairing that interior.

"We could just leave the door open," suggested someone pragmatic.

"Leave the door open?" gasped one of his colleagues. "That isn't a solution. That's surrender!"

"Surrendering does sometimes work," said Marakiri.

The engineers looked at her – then nodded. Surrendering did sometimes work.

Based on the height of the initial jet, the water's capacity to blast away alluvium, and the rate at which that capacity diminished over time, the tunnel was not expected to be passable until the wee hours of the morning. Encamped on a chunk of granite which was not expected to wash away, and which was protected from falling rocks by an overhang, the expedition settled in for a summer campout. The barbecued food prepared by the prison chefs was delicious.

"Uncle," Bon Bao asked the lead cook, a fellow Gargogryeon, "what are you in for?"

"Nephew," said the cook, "I'm good with a cleaver. But I'm in for embezzlement."

"Uncle," said Bon Bao. "You have to know when to stop taking the money."

"Nephew," said the cook. "It isn't my fault. I have a disability."

"What's your disability?"

"I can't stop thinking about money."

"I understand," said Bon Bao. "I also have a disability. I can't stop thinking about twinks."

"I understand," said the cook. "Nephew, listen. I'm old and have learned a few things. One thing I've learned is that if a guy like you is in prison, he brings all the twinks to his cell."

Half the prisoners smiled bashfully at Bon Bau.

"Uncle," said Bon Bao. "Why are there so many twinks in prison?"

"Nephew," replied the cook. "The boys dig holes every day, but are only eating barbecued meat now because of all the VIPs. Subsistence diets make them lean and pretty. But being lean and pretty means they need a strong protector."

Half the prisoners smiled bashfully at Bon Bao.

"Uncle," said Bon Bao. "It wasn't like this in Magistrate Berge's holding cell."

"That's not true," said the cook.

"What do you mean?"

"Word is you had a lean and delicious cellmate."

"Uncle!" said Bon Bao. "You're well informed!"

"Of course," replied the cook. "Where is that twink now?"

"He ran off with an ancient vampire's legendary sword," said Bon Bao. "I don't hold it against him. Lady Wu might have killed us all."

"Nephew!" said the cook. "Don't say her name so loud."

"She's dead."

"Impossible! That twink killed her?"

Bon Bao leaned closer and lowered his voice.

"You haven't heard everything then," he said.

"I only hear what happens behind bars," replied the cook cautiously.

"Esmaralde killed her," said Bon Bao.

"Ridiculous!" protested the cook. "Lady Wu would have known to surrender."

"Uncle," said Bon Bao. "She had a disability. That treasure…."

"Was it that tempting?" asked the cook.

"Imagine if all the pebbles around us were rubies," said Bon Bao.

"You're going to give me one of those bloody noses they have in illustrated novels," said the cook.

"Then imagine all this dirt was gold," said Bon Bao. "Before you lose consciousness from imaginary blood loss, imagine all that gold was enchanted by the First Emperor."

"Imagining all that," said the cook, "I've wet myself. But are you being straight with me?"

Bon Bao leaned even closer.

"Nephew," said the cook. "I'm no twink."

"Uncle," whispered Bon Bao. "Do you know who's abducting martial artists?"

"I thought it was Lady Wu," said the cook. "For the mercenary racket."

Bon Bao considered where to go next. He expected cooks to know things. People always talked around food. This cook dodged the central question, but his response confirmed that the abduction of martial artists was known to people who knew things.

"Lady Wu was a shaman," said Bon Bao. "She looked down on mercenaries. She was in the relic racket."

"That's what killed her then," said the cook. "Nephew, are you worried you'll be abducted?"

"Uncle," said Bon Bao. "I'm a juicy target."

"No, no, no," said the cook, shaking his head. "You've got too much beef."

"Mu Lang was strong," said Bon Bao. "They used drugs. Good drugs."

"From Lady Wu?" asked the cook.

"Possibly," said Bon Bao. "Uncle, don't react strangely when I ask you this next question."

"If you say that I have to react strangely."

"Lady Wu was a shaman," said Bon Bau. "She followed the old ways."

"It's bad to hold onto anything too strongly," said the cook. "Look at me."

"Uncle, does the God of War have a chapter house in Tianming Town?"

"Nephew," said the cook. "Don't waste your time with old fairy tales. Live in the moment."

"Uncle," said Bon Bao. "I will try to give you a present. If I'm successful, maybe you can give one back."

"Of course," said the cook. "If you find yourself in prison."

Bon Bao stood, saluted the other cooks, thanked them for their hard work, turned, and went in search of his royal twink. Ganimedzu-no-kami Renjie had found a safe place to observe the raging torrent up close and in the company of Marakiri. The hydromancer was showing off her water magic tricks. Renjie clapped enthusiastically after each trick. He looked like a red panda.

Bon Bau felt his brain start to evaporate. Before that happened, however, he wrapped his magnificent arms around the red panda from behind. Renjie always melted whenever Bon Bao did that. When the muscle hunk ran a fingertip around a perfect belly button, the red panda tipped back his head, opened his mouth, closed his eyes, and drooled.

"Someone's concubine wants something," suggested Marakiri.

Renjie's perfect lips were too kissable when they were open and he was drooling.

"These prisoners couldn't have committed any violent crimes," said Bon Bao.

"Property and financial crimes," agreed Marakiri.

"So their sentences can be redeemed by paying fines and damages," said Bon Bao.

"You want the Fourth Prince to redeem the prisoners?" asked Marakiri.

Renjie grabbed Bon Bao's circling finger. His eyes fluttered.

"We could redeem them," he said. "But why?"

Bon Bao pushed his finger into the perfect belly button. This caused Renjie to squeal so much, Bon Bao worried it might crack the rock overhead and crush everyone.

Delicious Lambchop appeared.

"Bubble Bottom?" he asked. "What are you doing to His Highness?"

"Negotiating," said Bon Bao.

"I agree!" said Renjie. "I agree!"

Bon Bao handed Renjie to Garrett for cleanup. He then went in search of the official responsible for the prisoners. He then brought that man to the Fourth Prince. Garrett had not completely cleaned him up.

"On account of the importance of this mission," said Renjie, "to not only Jade Palace Mound but all Great Yao, my Bon Bao has convinced me to redeem the prisoners assisting us."

Familiar with the whims of royalty, the prison official didn't blink.

"Would Your Highness like to redeem them all?" he asked.

"Yes," said Renjie. "But the mission is important. I'll get the cash right now so they all know the redemption is real. The work must continue, however, until the Ministry of Works is satisfied. I believe all that's left to do is improve the transportation infrastructure."

"Yes," said Marakiri. "Expand the path toward Tianming Town."

"Delicious Lambchop?" asked Renjie. "Once this gentleman has the numbers, do your wonderful legs still have the energy to run them up to Mom?"

"Delicious Lambchop's wonderful legs exist to serve," said Garrett.