CHAPTER/19

My heart was pounding as if it was betraying me. What should I do? Actually, the answer was clear, but… there was a "but." Wasn't it cruelty for this feeling to be so painful? What was this feeling that kept me from turning to him and saying "me too"? Everything should have been easy, right? He loves me, and I love him, but it wasn't like that! I couldn't do it while I didn't feel worthy of him, especially when every second I spent with him posed a danger to him.

"Merve!"

Hearing my name called again made everything even harder, and although I knew that I would probably experience the biggest regret of my life in that moment, I started running. I said I started running, right? It was completely normal that I didn't remember my stitches in that situation, but the pain I felt now didn't seem normal at all. I stopped and placed my hand on my stomach, unable to move due to the excruciating pain. Büşra hurried to my side and linked her arm with mine.

"Merve! Are you stupid? Why are you running? Who am I talking to? How were you going to remember your wounds in this condition?"

I didn't have the strength to speak; I just wanted to leave here as soon as possible.

"Let's go home!" I said, and she immediately agreed.

"Okay, honey! Just try to stay calm, do you want me to take you to the doctor?"

I just shook my head to indicate no. The pain had eased. Wait, had it really eased? In comparison to everything that had happened, what did the tiny wound on my stomach matter? Maybe the pain I felt while running didn't come from my stomach, but from my heart.

"Please! You need to listen to me!" Furkan's voice stopped my feet from moving, but I couldn't turn to face him.

"Furkan, now is not the time!" It was Büşra who said this, as I was too exhausted to speak.

"No, Büşra, now is the time! For the first time in my life, I feel something for someone. This feeling is too intense to be called just a feeling, I can't ignore it. I love you, Merve! No matter how much you don't want to accept it, that's the truth! I'm sure you love me too, but I don't understand why you're running away. I almost lost you. You…"

The break in his voice made it clear to me that he was crying, even though I didn't look at him. His voice was far from normal. I couldn't bear to see him hurting like this any longer, and I made one of the biggest regrets of my life.

"Go."

When I turned to look at him, I noticed he wasn't looking at me; his head was down, and desperation radiated from him. Seeing him like this would only make everything harder, but it was now or never! Despite me telling him to go, he didn't move, didn't lift his head. The battle he was having with himself was evident in his clenched fists. How beautifully you love, man! If only the one in front of you deserved your pure love.

"I can't leave you! You came to me like a miracle from the highest place, I can't do this."

What did he mean? Why was he speaking as if I was someone more precious than him? And why, when it was appropriate for him not to look at me, did I want him to look at me desperately?

"Büşra, let's go!"

Without saying a word, Büşra started walking. I was maybe losing him forever, and knowing that, I was leaving with the stone in my heart. Despite him saying, "I can't leave you," I was leaving him. Or maybe it was only my feet leaving, but could I really leave him? Büşra, knowing I couldn't walk, made me get into a taxi, even if it was just for a short distance. I didn't know where I found the courage, but I took one last look at him. He was standing with his back to me, messing with his hair, kicking a stone in front of him, then crouching down and resting his right palm on his forehead, biting his lip while crying. I couldn't watch any longer and, though it was hard, I turned forward. When I looked at Büşra's face, I think she understood what I was feeling because she started speaking immediately.

"Are you sure, Merve?"

"I'm not!" I wasn't really sure; this wasn't a decision I had made thoughtfully.

"Look, my friend! Even though you love him, why are you putting both of you through this torture? I don't understand you."

Without saying anything, I gave the address to the driver, and once the car started, I looked back one last time. He was still in the same position.

• By the author

Furkan didn't want to accept it. He knew she loved him too, and he understood why she wanted to stay away, but that wasn't enough of a reason for him to stay away. He had never wanted something more in his life. For him, nothing in this life was a coincidence. That day, he had prayed to his Lord. Didn't losing hope mean belittling the one who created him? Didn't it mean losing faith in Him? Furkan thought this way—no matter what, he believed. He believed that the one who brought Merve into his life would guide him to the right path, and despite his positive thoughts, tears kept flowing from his eyes.

"Don't cry! Don't give up so easily! This is just a test! Didn't you forget? If you love someone deeply, it either becomes your fate or your test!"

Furkan recognized the voice immediately. He lifted his head and saw Esma standing in front of him.

"How did you find me?" Furkan's question made Esma chuckle.

"I was going to ask if you're in love, but I think the result is clear. You said it yourself on the phone, and since I hadn't heard from you for a while, I thought I should come. I'm glad I did."

She sat down beside him and continued.

"So, tell me! What's the outcome?" Furkan took a deep breath.

"What do you think? Isn't it obvious?" Esma hit Furkan's shoulder twice and shook her head.

"Understood. I expected this from you." Furkan frowned, showing his anger.

"Hey! Hey! Don't frown! I was just trying to lighten the mood." Normally, Esma wouldn't act like this, but since Furkan was so upset, she tried to act more childlike to cheer him up.

"Forget your mood-lightening, now what do I do? You told me to go, I went, but the result is far from reassuring. It's the first time I didn't like hearing you say 'I told you so,' Esma." Esma raised her index finger, scratched her forehead, and began to think.

"Look, Furkan! Okay, maybe I provoked you, but we both know that if you didn't want this, you'd never have come and said it. Let's talk about this situation, and then we can think about other things."

Furkan straightened up, wiped his eyes, ran his hands through his hair angrily, and turned to Esma.

"I tried talking to her, I told her I rented the house." Esma interrupted.

"You told her directly, didn't you?" Furkan sighed and continued.

"Don't interrupt, just listen. You're right, I make impulsive decisions, but you have to understand, this is the first time I've had feelings for a girl, and I'm really inexperienced. On one hand, I want to act according to God's will, on the other hand, I'm trying to make this work. It's so hard. She's so close to me, in my breath. I felt like I was living with her. After my father's incident, for the first time, my face smiled. Life is now more perfect. After my father died, I only asked God for one thing. Peace! Merve coming into my life at such an unexpected time and becoming the center of my life was no coincidence, Esma. I kept her in my most sacred prayers. In my 24 years of short life, I never expected to meet her so early. I know I've said a lot of foolish things, and I've rushed things, but I really don't know what to do, this fear inside me is leading me down this path. I lost one of the most important people in my life. Losing my father hurt me deeply. And hiding the cause of his death from my mother drained me even more. You know, when I first saw her, I had other plans in my mind, but it turns out that God had different plans for us. Thanks to you, Merve came to my bookstore, I didn't have the courage to speak, but God brought her before me again, and at her most vulnerable moment, she turned to me! Even though I seem strong, I'm really not. I'm so tired. These words aren't out of rebellion, it's just how I feel. May God make us worthy servants."

"Amen…" Furkan exhaled deeply and continued.

"Did you tell Merve that you've known her longer than she knows?" He shook his head.

"No, I'll tell her when the time is right, but not now. When she hears it from me, I need to know she'll trust me unconditionally. Otherwise, I might lose her. The time isn't right yet!"

Furkan took another deep breath, and as God said, "Patience is beautiful (Joseph-18)," he held on…

"As I said, I didn't find her easily, and I don't plan to lose her easily either. I can't describe the fear I felt when she was hurt. It felt like my breath was taken away. I was so scared! I was terrified of losing her, and I still am. I need to protect her. That day, I made a promise, not to her, but to myself. I can't let anything happen to her."

The rising tone of his voice and the tightening of his fists were signs of his impending tears. He slammed his fist against the stone he was sitting on. Esma, not knowing what to do, stood up and tried to grab his hand.

"Okay, calm down! Furkan, get a grip!" Furkan, overwhelmed by his emotions, suddenly realized he needed to calm down and stopped.

"I have to protect her, do you understand, Esma? I can't take it. Being away from her is destroying me. I've never hurt this much before. God, please make this test easier for me, don't make me one of Your disobedient servants. God, open my paths, and may You engrave her in my life just as You placed her in my heart."

Was there anything left to say? Furkan loved Merve so much. He feared that his love would lead him astray, so he wanted her to be his lawful wife as soon as possible. He wanted to look into her eyes with ease and hold her hands to give her his reassurance.

"Esma?" He looked at Esma's face with determination.

"Yes?" Esma met his determined gaze.

"I'm going to propose to Merve…"