Diary of Seras Maldanado #1

I've been having nightmares lately. I wake up screaming or crying. It's so loud that Sophia, who has slept through hurricanes, is awoken sometimes. I grip my sheets so tightly they rip or my nails impale themselves so deeply into my palms I bleed. Most of my sheets look like a horror show at this point. It's been nine days since this started and mama is starting to worry. I don't even remember what the dreams are about. I wake up like I'm dying and I can't even remember what's been killing me. I try so hard but all I can remember is sensory. My dreams smell like salt and sound deep. It's like I have seen or heard something that I'm not meant to. Or maybe it's something I've seen or heard that I can't hold on to? Like my mind isn't processing it and whatever remains is the ghost of fear and a sense of loneliness that comes only from experiencing something beyond experience, which no one else in your life could possibly understand. That's what also sucks about all of this, I feel so alone sometimes. Like I know mama and Sophia are there but they don't know what I know I don't know. There now exists a version of me that I'm afraid is incomprehensible to them and even myself. That's why I got this diary, to have someone or something that knows what I know and feels what I feel. That and the doctor says it should help me "sort through myself" whatever that means. I'm hoping she means it will help me remember my dreams. I want to know what's scaring me so much so I can overcome it. Mama and Sophia say I should be trying to forget. They think as soon as I let it go, it'll go away, and because I'm so fixed on it that I’ve made it worse. I think they're wrong. I'm not the type to let something get to me so much, not even myself. So whatever fear I have in the back of my mind can just show itself. Or I'll drag it into the light kicking and screaming. I should know what causes me fear so I can overcome it right? And I will overcome it.

SerasM