Chapter 20

Solas kept his distance from Holli as she recovered. He checked on her, mostly once she was asleep, but beyond that, they'd said little. Though his anger had abated for the most part, he was concerned at the depth of his concern for her.

He had not thrown in his lot with the Inquisition to form attachments but found himself doing so regardless. Most notably, Varric and his own little mentee, Holli. He had a healthy respect for most of the others and tolerance bordering civility for the rest. But he'd found himself enjoying the conversations he often shared with Varric, even if they disagreed on much. They were able to debate it without resorting to anger or even irritation most of the time.

And Holli was a remarkable student, so quick and eager to learn. With potential he had not imagined when he'd first realised she was a mage. She could also be amusing and quick-witted when she wanted to be. She bore the pressure she carried well, especially for one so young and her unusual circumstances.

He couldn't say with complete certainty why her actions had hurt so much. Disappointed him, yes. Angered him, of course. But the hurt... Of course he cared; one didn't spend as much time with someone as he did her without coming to care for them. He just hadn't realised how deeply it ran. It surprised him.

Nor did he know what to do with it. And given what he must do, he could not see things ending well when he had to leave. It was clear she had grown attached to him as well, respected him as a teacher, a mentor. And cared for him as a friend and companion. He did not like the idea of hurting her when the time came.

From his place on Skyhold's battlements, he looked down in the courtyard below to see her walking beside Cole; they didn't appear to be speaking, just walking. The unusual boy and the unusual girl.

Holli still had a fever, though she wasn't burning up like she had been. And she had enough energy to walk, though at the moment she seemed to be wavering. Even Cole was looking at her with some concern. 

They had managed to salvage one of the wagons, and found some of the oxen wandering about that escaped the slaughter. Holli had spent some of their trek to Skyhold resting in it. Given how people viewed her now, no one was going to begrudge her lying in the wagon. After her actions in Haven and the feats of healing she performed, they saw her as a hero. Her survival and the extent of healing she performed had reinforced their belief she was truly touched by divinity.

He would give her a few more days to recover before he began her training in earnest.

There was much to be done about the castle to bring it to a liveable state, repairs to be made, and cleaning to be done.

There was a very different atmosphere over everyone since Holli had returned. A newfound hope and determination, almost a renewal of faith. Given the lows they had sunk to immediately after the attack, it was rather amazing the heights they now soared.

Despite Holli's unwellness, she had spent much of the day healing people, those who had been injured in the attack on Haven. Solas felt it was too soon for her to be exerting herself in such a way, but he kept his thoughts to himself.

When she suddenly looked up, her gaze connecting with his, he only stared back. Her brows furrowed, curious and saddened. He would speak to her tomorrow, and attempt to put it all behind them. 

Holli's mood sunk when Solas turned away and he disappeared into one of the towers. While she wouldn't say he was avoiding her, their friendship was definitely suffering. She had apologised more than once. Promised not to do anything like that again. But it wasn't enough. As much as it hurt and as guilty as she felt, she was starting to get angry with him. He was punishing her with his absence. 

Although there was that small voice in the back of her mind that told her he might just be done with her, and no amount of apologies and promises was going to repair that bridge.

This was only their second day at the castle, but she and Cole had been exploring it as much as they could. Holli had tried to invite Sera, but even she was still annoyed at Holli. 

"They won't be angry forever," Cole suddenly said. 

"Can you see the future too?" She asked, a little more snide than she'd intended. 

He shook his head.

"Sorry," she mumbled; the guilt had been instant. Cole had been nothing but nice to her. 

"They're barely angry now. It's fading."

Didn't feel like it.

Holli looked around; she had done all the healing she could. Everyone was as good as new. She would love to keep this magic when she returned home. Once she became a doctor, she could just fix people. At least those who had been injured. She had no idea if this could work on, like, cancer, or disease, or illness. So far she hadn't managed to heal her fever.

She could see Chancellor Roderick helping by bringing food and water to people. He'd had quite the attitude change since Haven. Nearly dying could do that to people.

"I'm gonna go back inside," she told Cole. 

Having arrived at Skyhold yesterday, everyone had bunked down in the Great Hall last night or tents in the main courtyard. Too tired and drained to do much else. Today people were getting a bit more organised. Barracks were being set up in the tower, and there were staff quarters beneath the Great Hall for the cooks. Various other rooms were dotted here and there that people were making use of.

Adan had picked a place to set up the infirmary; Holli was planning to help him later, opting to deal with the injured first. And now she wanted to find a place to sleep, set up her own quarters. There had been a room at the rear of the castle; it looked like it might have been a study or an office. It was small, but it had a desk, and the walls were covered in books. Once she cleaned it out, it could be a nice little place. She didn't have much of her possessions anymore, most of them buried in Haven. She only had what she'd been wearing and what she had managed to stuff into her backpack the night of the attack. Varric had been nice enough to hold onto it even after everyone thought she had died. 

It took some time to find that office again, and she was relieved no one else seemed to have claimed it. She set her backpack on the desk, coughing a little at all the dust that wafted up. Most of the mess was cobwebs and dust. Unlike some of the castle, the walls were still intact, and it had a sturdy door. This place would be perfect.

She started cleaning the room up, dusting off the cobwebs, and carefully inspecting every nook and cranny for any spiders that might belong to those cobwebs.

Once she cleaned the grime off the window, it let in a lot more light too, which was nice. It would be warm and cosy to sit in once the sun was in the right place.

Once done with the room, she flopped onto the chair at the desk, a bit puffed. After days of walking, the exertion of healing, and still being unwell, cleaning was what tipped her over the edge.

She was officially out of energy. 

She still needed to dig up a bedroll or a spare cot and a blanket. Or ten. The castle wasn't the warmest place. The warming spell Solas had taught her would help keep her comfortable now that she could cast it on her own, as often as she needed. But at night... it was going to be nights of interrupted sleep if she had to keep recasting it.

How to make this room warmer? Curtains over the window once the sun was gone. Insulating the place was unfeasible. A rug would help, and something to stop any drafts coming under the door.

While she sat at the desk, she idly rummaged through the drawers, wary of spiders. There were quills and ink pottles, they looked dried out. Candles, a few coins, pieces of parchment. There were letters, the writing so faded she couldn't make out what they said. The few books she'd plucked off the shelves and flipped through had been in readable condition at least.

While she took a bit of a rest, she would read, recover some of her energy.

-

Holli jolted awake, a cry for help on her lips, and her chest heaving as she tried to catch her breath. It had been a few days since she'd had the nightmare of the school bathroom. Only this time, the bathroom floor had been made of ice, the walls and ceiling encased in it, strongly resembling the cave she'd woken in after... Haven.

She had fallen asleep at the desk, her neck sore from the awkward angle. Quickly realising she wasn't alone, she looked up to find Cole seated cross-legged on the desk she'd been resting on. He was watching her with sympathetic eyes. 

"Hey, Cole," she muttered, pushing herself back against the chair and trying to work the stiffness out of her neck. 

"You had a bad dream," Cole said. "All-encompassing cold and a shadow that felt too close."

Holli nodded. No point in lying; Cole would probably know.

"I know how to make bad dreams vanish," he said. "I can listen to them, hear their whispers, and make them stop. All that fear? It's just leftover pieces of your worst days."

"My dreams don't come from the Fade," she told him. "Or they aren't in the Fade, or however it works."

She didn't know if that would render him powerless against her nightmares. If this was something he'd done before, he'd only be familiar with Fade dreams.

He nodded.

"Can you see my dreams?" She asked. "Like when you were in my head?"

He shook his head. "It's like pieces of pictures, but thoughts. Or maybe memories. Not enough to work with for a picture."

Holli let out a breath. "Ok. Don't worry about it, Cole. I can manage my dreams. But thanks for asking. Did you come here for something?"

Easier to change the subject. He gestured to a pile of blankets and a bedroll beside the door.

"Because you're afraid of the cold," he said.

"I'm not afraid of it. I just don't like it."

"The cold makes you feel small, like the world is closing in, and there's nowhere to hide. The cold… makes everything sharper, harder. The edges of things stand out like a knife, and you can't escape the feeling that it's always there, waiting."

Holli watched him, at a loss for words. 

"It's the memories, too. The way the cold makes your heart feel empty, like it could freeze right in your chest. It lingers, even after the frost melts, in the spaces inside your mind. The cold never really leaves you; it never left you."

"Stop," it came out a harsh whisper, but he must not have heard.

"I hear it in the way you breathe, the way you hesitate when the temperature drops. A fear wrapped in frost. But the cold is just a thing. It can't steal warmth if you don't let it crawl inside you. And you're not alone in it."

He reached out and patted her head; she just sat stiffly, blinking back the wetness in her eyes and trying to swallow over the lump in her throat.

Twice in her life now the cold had almost killed her. The first time she had been so little. Her mum had left her there, forgotten her, while high or drunk; Holli couldn't remember.

She quickly swiped at her eyes, and Cole dropped his hand from her head, studying her. 

"I'm going to go to sleep now, Cole. Thank you for the blankets."

She wanted to tell him to shove his truth bombs up his arse but at least had enough restraint not to.

"You're angry with me."

"Just annoyed. It'll pass. As long as you keep this shit to yourself."

Cole nodded. "Everyone is afraid of something."

"What are you afraid of?"

Fair's fair after all.

"That... I'm not real. I think I am. But sometimes I feel like I'm not real, a thought in someone else's mind. Like I don't matter. Like I'm nothing."

He said it so easily, like he wasn't the least bit ashamed of it. It was a fear she had some experience in, the latter parts, the not mattering. She felt kind of stupid for her own fear now.

Unsure what to do, she reached out and patted him on the head the way he had her. His eyes met hers, and he offered a tentative smile.

"You feel real," she said softly. "And you're definitely not nothing. If you start to worry about it, come find me, and we can... I don't know, talk it out if you want." Holli dropped her hand and stood up. "Good night, Cole."

"Good night, Holli."

He vanished then, and she wondered if he was still there and just invisible, or if he'd actually somehow teleported. She waved her hand in the spot he had been, but it didn't connect with anything solid.

Heaving a tired sigh, she set about making up her bed on the floor.