Chapter 35

Leila 

November 2, 2011

Dear Diary,

I realized eventually that I was being unfair, to him, Nancy was right, if I stopped being bias he had been actually sweet and a complete gentleman all evening, I actually blushed in shame at my awful behavior , he must have thought i was quite the weirdo. I haven't seen him or Nancy come to think of it, an involuntary smile spread across my face when I felt a tap on my back and turned to see my dance partner, holding two flutes of champagne offering me one, I knew I shouldn't, I glanced at my girlfriends who nodded there approval and I took a tentative sip, nothing seemed off so I downed the rest of the glass which a passing waiter took from us , while asking if we needed a refill and I shook my head firmly as i felt another blush stealing across my face,maybe because it was so romantic when he placed a kiss with a flourish on the back of my hand. It was like something out of a fairy tale, and for a moment, I let myself be swept away by the gesture. The way he looked at me, with those deep, intense eyes, made my heart flutter in a way I hadn't felt in a long time.

We danced together all night, and I couldn't shake the feeling that he was familiar. There was something about the way he moved, the way he held me, that triggered a distant memory. If I didn't meet him on that dreadful night, then when exactly did we meet? I racked my brain, trying to place where we had crossed paths before, but for the life of me, I couldn't remember. It was as if the memory was just out of reach, taunting me.

Eventually, I shrugged it off, thinking that maybe it was just the alcohol making me feel like we had a deeper connection than we actually did. But then, after another slow dance, he leaned in and kissed me on the lips. It was a soft, lingering kiss that sent a shiver down my spine. He was such a good kisser, and for a split second, I allowed myself to enjoy it. But as soon as it was over, the reality hit me what was I doing? I was so done with guys, so done with the complications and the heartache they brought.

Still, I couldn't deny the way he made me feel. I craved the attention he showered me with, the way he looked at me like I was the only girl in the world. Several times, it was at the tip of my tongue to just sob and spill my guts, to tell him everything, to let him in. But I silently admonished myself each time. I desperately wanted someone to lean on, but I knew he wasn't the one. I couldn't afford to get attached, couldn't afford to let anyone in, not when I was still so broken inside.

So, I listened to him partially, nodding and replying at what seemed to be the appropriate moments to avoid him digging into my life. I had become good at that pretending to be present while keeping everyone at arm's length. He was clearly smitten, his eyes never leaving mine as he talked about his life, his plans, and his dreams. But I couldn't let myself care. I couldn't let myself believe that he could be the one to heal the wounds I had buried so deep.

After the dance, when he invited me over to his place, I politely turned down the invitation. Instead, we agreed to meet up for dinner the next day, but it was all lies. I never planned any such thing, and even the number I gave him was made up. It felt cruel, but I couldn't bring myself to care. I needed to protect myself, needed to keep my distance from him and everyone else.

When I finally made my way back to where Nancy and Diana were sitting, they pounced on me immediately. "Gosh!" Diana exclaimed, her eyes wide with excitement. "He is so hot! Who is he? What does he do? Did he ask you out?"

I tried to downplay it, answering noncommittally, "Nothing much." But when they continued to stare at me like I had lost my mind, I reluctantly let slip the fact that he had asked me to meet him for dinner.

"That's all?" Diana exclaimed, looking at me like I had just confessed to some terrible crime. "Leila, darling! That's not possible. Ethan was practically drooling over you."

"Ethan?" I repeated, confused. "His name is Ethan?" I didn't know that. I didn't even know his name. How could I have spent the entire night with someone and not even catch his name? Diana looked startled, as if she couldn't believe I was asking such an inane question.

"Are you sure you're okay?" she asked, concern lacing her voice.

I opened my mouth to reply, but Nancy cut me off, her voice dripping with disappointment. "I'm so disappointed in you, Leila."

Her words hit me like a slap in the face, and before I knew it, I was screaming, "I don't want that kind of relationship yet! Ever since I went through that abortion, I haven't been myself. I feel so guilty and so dirty. I don't deserve to have fun after killing a person. I should be dead! I'm trying my best to cope with all the pressure coming from all sides, but sometimes I get so overwhelmed that I can't even draw a breath."

The words spilled out of me before I could stop them, a torrent of pain and guilt that had been building up for months. Do they even know what it feels like to live with this guilt? To ask myself again and again if I did the right thing? All of this everything, including the clothes, the parties it's just not me. It's no longer who I am. At times, I wonder if it was ever me or if I was just forcing it on myself.

Nancy and Diana looked at me with wide eyes, clearly shocked by my outburst. I had never let them see this side of me before, had never let anyone see how much I was struggling. But I couldn't hold it in anymore. The weight of everything—the abortion, the guilt, the emptiness—was crushing me, and I needed to let it out.

"Shhhh, shhhh, sweetie, calm down," Nancy said softly, wrapping her arms around me in a comforting embrace. I looked around and noticed that I had attracted more than my fair share of spectators. Nancy must have noticed too because she quickly shot them her famous evil glare, and they all hurriedly turned back to their own business. I made a mental note to ask her later how she did that, and if she could teach me. It would definitely come in handy.

Nancy continued to soothe me as I broke down and cried. I hadn't realized how much I needed this, how much I needed to let out all the emotions I had been bottling up for so long. We stayed at a hotel that night, the three of us huddled together in the same bed, with Nancy and Diana comforting me all night long.

The next day, I woke up feeling drained, but also a little lighter, like a weight had been lifted off my shoulders. Our final exams were fast approaching, and I knew I needed to focus if I wanted to ace them. I couldn't let myself get distracted by Ethan or by anything else. I didn't even think about him anymore, and thankfully, my friends didn't bring him up again after that. They probably didn't want to risk me breaking down on them again.

Ethan was hot and all, but he wasn't what I wanted. Not anymore. My feelings for Max had changed too. It was no longer love, but a need to own him, to possess him. But I knew I couldn't focus on that right now. I needed to keep my priorities straight. I needed to pass my exams and achieve my goals. There would be time for everything else later, once I had my life back on track.

Over the next few weeks, I threw myself into my studies, barely leaving my room except to go to class. The pressure was intense, but it was a welcome distraction from everything else. The more I focused on my exams, the less I thought about Ethan, Max, or even the abortion. It was like a numbing agent, blocking out all the pain and guilt, at least for a little while.

But no matter how hard I tried to keep it all at bay, it would creep back in during the quiet moments when I was lying in bed at night, staring at the ceiling, or when I was alone in the library, surrounded by books but feeling utterly alone. The guilt, the shame, the self-loathing it was always there, lurking just beneath the surface.

One night, after an especially grueling study session, I found myself back at the spot where I had first met Max. It was a quiet corner of the campus, hidden away from the rest of the world, where we had spent so many hours together, talking, laughing, kissing. The memories hit me like a tidal wave, and I collapsed onto the bench, tears streaming down my face.

Why did I do it? Why did I let it all happen? Why did I let myself fall for someone like Max, someone who would never love me the way I wanted him to? And why did I let myself be pressured into that abortion, into ending the life of a child I hadn't even given a chance to live?

I cried until there were no more tears left, until I was empty and numb. And then, as I sat there in the darkness, I made a decision. I couldn't keep living like this, couldn't keep pretending that everything was okay when it wasn't. I needed to find a way to move forward, to forgive myself for what I had done, and to let go of the past.

It wouldn't be easy. It would probably be the hardest thing I would ever do. But I knew that if I didn't try, I would be stuck in this cycle of guilt and self-destruction forever. And I couldn't let that happen. I owed it to myself and to the memory of that little life I had lost 

to at least try.

So, I went back to my room, washed my face, and looked at myself in the mirror. For the first time in months, I didn't hate the person staring back at me.