I Had A Dream Once

Ever since I could remember, people always made it a point to keep a healthy distance from me.I never understood why.At first, it didn't matter. I figured: if I was polite, well-meaning, and a pleasure to be around, they would accept me regardless.So I tried.Went through great lengths in an effort to ingratiate myself towards others; especially my classmates.If I could only make them see, that: I'm no monster. All would be well.The world made up it's mind long ago: They saw me as a plague, a monstrosity that ought to be put down. Even so, if I had people to support me, if I could only find people who would care. Then I wouldn't mind all of this adversity: I'd push through it.My dream could then finally come true: making friends was all I ever wanted.I planned things out meticulously too.My first vector of attack: Academics.If I could be brilliant academically - people would be in awe of my intellect.You ace a test. Score perfect 100s on an exam, and voila! People would look up to me.I always fantasized about this one moment where: minding my own, I would be staring through a window: hopelessly pensive about the future.Recess just started, and out of the blue, a group of classmates would faun over me all-of-a-sudden. Hesitantly, one of the girls would extend their arms; showing me the cover of their notebook.In typical Rom-Com fashion, the most vocal of the bunch would exclaim: "M-Mila! Hey! So! Um! C-can...C-could we copy your Notes!" The sheer embarrassment from her ask, made it all the more endearing.That's all it would've taken.I can see it now, One thing leading to another, us hitting things off - me becoming a part of the group.Felt like such a fool-proof plan...at the time.In truth, none of the teacher would score my school-work. The Colonel was mostly in charge of grading my performance. So whenever they'd hand back the exams and rank how each student did on the board: I'd be excluded completely.I'd have nothing to show for any of it. I would just sit there, head-hung low over my desk. Everyone was looking over their exams - clamoring on and on about how they did, what they got wrong, what they got right.Desk neighbors, in front of me, behind me, would give anecdotes about how grueling it was for them to study, or how much of a 'pain' exams were in general.They were sharing answers, exchanging papers, and most importantly: making plans for what they should do to celebrate their passing marks.I kept staring at my desk. I must not be smart enough. I thoughtThe Colonel kept insisting that my work was flawless, and he even went out of his way to give me complimentary comments and stickers; peppering them all over my written exam.I'm not smart enough.