My hidden feelings (3)

Over time, we became even closer, practically inseparable. We shared everything and did almost everything together. We tried our first makeup together. We watched our tastes, personalities, and preferences change. We held hands when we walked and hugged when we said goodbye. We were truly best friends.

But that closeness wasn't enough for me. I longed for something more. What was it that I wanted so badly? And was I wrong to want more from her?

I tried to suppress the thoughts I didn't want her to see.

What if she starts to despise me? How would she react if she found out what secret her best friend was hiding?

Despite all these strange feelings living inside me, I continued to play the role of best friend and smile.

Eventually we started worrying about things I hadn't worried about before, like looks.

"You have such nice long hair," I said. "Maybe I should let mine grow out too."

I usually wore my hair down to my shoulders, it was easier to take care of it that way.

She approached me with a smile.

"No... I like your hair," she said as she gently ran her fingers through it.

For some reason, her touch caused a pleasant tension in my chest.

No... Stop... If you do that...

I looked at her face, at her beautiful eyes... How I wished I could look at her forever...

She became undeniably beautiful and attracted the attention of many boys at school.

I felt insecure, maybe I wasn't that attractive?

Then she took my hand and we went shopping.

We had different styles of makeup and clothes. She had a sweet and innocent look, and I had a more daring and free-spirited look.

When I looked in the mirror, I was amazed at how well she had chosen my clothes. They were perfect, and I felt both comfortable and feminine in them.

I never thought there would be a time when boys would be interested in me. But a few boys at school started asking me out.

Me? With my personality? What do they see in me?

I wasn't interested in their attention, though...

The only person on my mind was Emi. I only thought about her.

Would she see me differently now? Would she see me as more than just a friend?

"I'm not interested in a relationship," I told her, applying a light shade of lipstick to my lips. 

Sometimes we liked to stand in front of the mirror together, doing our makeup or getting dressed.

"Besides, I'm not cute at all," I added.

"What the hell? Don't say stupid things like that! You're really, really cute! The prettiest person I know!" she said, turning to me.

"Pfft. Hahaha," I laughed, looking at her in response. "Are you serious? Me? Cute?"

She was so funny. Why are you telling me this? Don't you know...?

"Yes! You're the cutest! And if that's the only reason you're not interested in a relationship, then you're just an idiot, you'll easily find a date considering how beautiful you are!"

She looked so serious as she said these words.

And her words made my heart flutter.

"Hahahah, don't worry. To be honest, I'm just not interested in relationships in general..." I said.

A little surprise flashed in her eyes.

"Really?" she asked.

"Yeah... I don't know why..." I replied. "What about you?"

"Hmmm..." She turned back to the mirror and ran her fingers through her hair, studying her reflection. "I don't know... Do you think I could get a boyfriend?"

"Pfft," I smiled slightly at her. "What a stupid question! Of course you can! You're so pretty! If I were a boy, I'd steal you for myself, hahaha."

She turned to me, giggling. "Lol, steal me for yourself? Hahahaha, you're so silly!"

"Hahaha, I'm just kidding, hahaha."

Our synchronized laughter filled the room. It was the laughter behind which I hid my true feelings.

When our laughter died down, there was a pause and our eyes met again... I could only hope she didn't see anything in them.

"So... you think I'm pretty, huh?" she asked with a warm smile.

Badump. Badump. Badump.

Why was my heart beating so fast? I wanted to scream and tell her, "Yes, you are pretty! Really pretty!" I wanted to tell her all the feelings I was hiding. I wanted to tell her how beautiful she was, how sweet she was, how much I loved her...

But I stopped myself in time.

No... Hide it. Don't show your feelings... I said to myself.

"Y-Yeah..." I replied, smiling back at her.

Then some time passed.

And of course she got a boyfriend.

It was too sudden for me.

She started telling me all kinds of new things about romance, about her dates, about him...

I shared those moments with her, laughed with her, cheered her on, and hid things in my heart that I thought she would never know.

I just put on a smile as I listened to her stories.

What was I hiding?

A secret buried deep in my heart that hurt and warmed at the same time.

I didn't know when these feelings had started in me, nor did I fully understand them. They were completely different from the feelings you have for your friends.

I kept asking myself the same questions. When did I start having these feelings? When did I start to see her differently?

She didn't know that I colored my lips for her. She didn't know that every time she complimented me, my heart would race. She didn't know how much I appreciated every gift she gave me, or that I always looked forward to her friendly Valentine's Day chocolates like a total idiot...

And I didn't want her to know that. I couldn't show her that side of me. I didn't want to cross that line. Just being her friend was enough for me.

And even though my heart broke every time she went out on a date, I couldn't let myself open up to her.

I tried to support her after she broke up with that guy, I hugged her and my hands gently stroked her head, but at the same time I despised myself for those feelings. I hated myself for finding a glimmer of happiness in her breakup.

I genuinely wanted her to be happy, so I always refrained from interfering in her relationship, even though I was jealous.

"I'm not ready to date other guys right now," she said.

For some reason, part of me felt relieved.

"I love you," she said.

I knew she meant it as a friend.

"I love you too..." I replied.

But there was a completely different meaning behind my words.

Oh, Emi, I will never reveal what lurks in the depths of my heart.

That's what I always thought. That's what I thought until that day.

Why had I written her that letter?

The emotions that had been raging in my chest for so long clouded my mind. Jealousy, love, all mixed up in me...

That day in the cafeteria, she was talking about that guy from the soccer club and some girl who wanted to confess to her! I don't understand her! She acts like she's just joking around, never serious about romance, but then all of a sudden she shows such interest in some random people! I don't get it!

She also really likes to play around with me. She always calls me "honey" or "baby" or whatever. I know that all her "flirting" with me is just a game to her. Why does she always act this way? Doesn't she realize that every time she flirts with me, uses pet names or whatever, my heart skips a beat? Doesn't she realize how hard it is for me to hide my embarrassment? She's so annoying!

And even when I asked her why she always acts like that, she just said it's normal for two close friends! I mean, is it really normal? Maybe it's normal for her, but my heart is ready to burst every time she does it! It's so hard to stay calm when she acts like that! I want her to call me her baby, sweetie, darling, not just as a friend, but as my girlfriend!

To be honest, the love letter had been in my backpack for a long time, but I didn't have the courage to give it to her, even though it was anonymous... But that day, I couldn't hold back my feelings any longer.

Even if she didn't recognize me in that costume, she had plenty of ways to find out who it was. She could have easily followed me. She could have waited for me to take off my helmet after the drama club shoot. She could have questioned the drama club members about the identity of the actor playing the knight.

But at that moment, all reason seemed to have left me. I just longed for peace in my heart. I didn't know that her practice would be canceled. I didn't know that she would catch me leaving a love letter in her locker.

And most importantly, I was so nervous, so stupid, that I dropped the stupid letter on the floor before I ran away!