The Next Step

The lights blazed down, unrelenting, and I felt the sweat begin to gather beneath the collar of my shirt. I kept my posture steady, my hands poised as instructed. My eyes focused forward, blank but deliberate, like I'd been told.

"Prostp, tilt your head just slightly to the right. Perfect. Chin up—no, not too high. Yes, right there."

Their voices were constant. I followed their instructions without a word, adjusting as needed. The rhythm of the camera's clicks was steady, almost hypnotic. For a moment, I didn't feel like a person standing there but something else entirely. An object being posed, arranged, and fine-tuned.

"Good, Prostp," the photographer said, lowering his camera for a moment. "But… loosen up a bit. Let me see you, the real you."

I blinked slowly, unsure how to respond. That was the second time someone had said something like that to me today. The real me? What does that even mean? I thought I was already giving them everything I had.

"I'll try,"

- I said quietly, though the words felt hollow-

I adjusted again, holding a different pose as the flash of the camera illuminated the room in quick bursts. I didn't know if I was doing it right or wrong anymore. It didn't matter. I'd learned that people rarely explained what they really wanted—they just expected you to figure it out.

By the time the shoot ended, my body ached from holding still for so long. My shoulders were tight, and my jaw felt locked. I grabbed a book from my bag and moved to a quiet corner.

The voices of the crew faded into the background as I sat down, letting my head rest against the wall for a moment before opening the book i bought about the story of a character like me. It wasn't about the story or even the words. I wasn't reading—I just needed something to distract me. Something to occupy the space in my head where doubt and exhaustion had begun to settle.

-But then I heard it-

"Hi."

That voice—it was soft but distinct. Familiar. My heart stuttered before I even looked up. And there she was.

-Her smile was small, polite. She wasn't supposed to be here-

"Hi," I replied, keeping my tone even, though I could feel my fingers tighten against the book's spine.

She didn't stop, didn't linger. Just walked past like I was any other person in the room. And maybe to her, I was.

I stared at the page in front of me, my mind racing. The words blurred together as her voice echoed in my head. It wasn't fair. I'd spent so long pushing her out of my thoughts, so long convincing myself I didn't care anymore.

By the time I got back to my apartment, the encounter still hadn't left me. I dropped my bag on the couch and stood in the middle of the room, unsure of what to do with myself.

The day's photos were sitting on my desk, so I sat down and flipped through them. I stared at the images for a long time, trying to see what everyone else seemed to see.

They looked fine. Good, even. The photographer had called it my "signature"—the stillness, the control, the sharpness of my features. But the more I stared at them, the more I wondered if there was something missing.

- I pushed the photos aside and set up my chessboard instead-

The pieces clicked softly against the wood as I played against myself, just like I'd done so many times before. The moves came naturally. Pawn to e4. Knight to f3. Bishop to c4. It was muscle memory at this point.

But my thoughts refused to stay quiet. Her face, her voice—it wouldn't stop. That one word, that simple "hi," had cracked open a part of me I thought I'd locked away.

Why am I still thinking about this? I moved my queen, capturing a piece without hesitation.

The game ended quickly—checkmate. I leaned back in my chair, staring at the board like it held some kind of answer.

-It didn't, of course. It never did-

The city lights stretched endlessly outside my window, casting a soft glow against the darkness. I stood there for a long time, watching the cars move like tiny sparks along the roads below.

What was I doing all this for? Modeling. Chess. It had all started as a way to push myself, to see how far I could go, to find joy in this life and now? Now it felt like I was chasing something without knowing what it was.

I let out a breath and turned away from the window. Tomorrow was another day. Another chance to work, to improve, to block out the things that didn't matter.

-Keep moving forward, I told myself. It was the only thing I knew how to do-

I turned off the light and headed to bed, my mind already trying to plan for the next step.

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