101. Homecoming, 4

(Rose)

I tell her about my family. All my life story is related to my family.

When I was a baby, my parents died separately. The man who adopted me was my uncle I think. He and his wife had three other daughters at the beginning of the century. They loved me dearly.

We were happy.

Then he died. Then the sickness of the youngest one, whom I loved most, worsened.

My two other sisters began to resent me.

Then, four years ago, everyone died.

Had I not found out that the youngest might have survived, I would have not survived myself...

I found her, and we returned home together. But her disease evolved into something different. Something hard to comprehend.

A kind of curse. A blessing at first, but slowly and surely shifting into a curse.

It had some links with our family history, our legacy, so I went to London to learn more about our past. That's where I found the book in Swedish. Then, we met...

Ann had listened to me with great attention. She looked very serious. Maybe she expected something else.

A - I'm quite the opposite of you...

Her story wasn't as nice. Her parents never loved her. They wed her to a man twice her age. He was a monster she said. Her father was a monster she said. Her mother was a monster she said...

They had wed her to the man who had raped her.

She bore his child. It was Victoria. One year later, she gave birth to Charlotte. Then she lived for years like a slave to her family. To her parents, always nit-picking. To her husband, grossing her out and sometimes violent. To her children, always noisy and demanding.

She became weak, ill and scrawny.

A - I was being eaten by these monsters. Eaten alive, day and night.

Then she got a little better when the girls began to be old enough to help around. She had a third child in March, Ivan.

She suffered the renewal of her slavery for a long expected son. Expected by all her family but her...

Then her husband died by accident, in front of her. Something had gotten stuck in his throat.

Her relief did not last, as all her family, her parents and relatives, began to accuse her of letting him die willingly...

And then they accused her of murdering him... And they kept being awful to her because she'd never been happy... She never looked rejoiced. Neither by being wed to a loving husband. Neither by being raised by a caring family. Nor by the mandatory bliss of pregnancy and motherhood. Nor by the mandatory bliss of raising children. A fulfilment? She'd never been happy...

Then it struck me at long last. I shiver. I realise how wrong I've been regarding Ann.

Of course I couldn't understand her. I've been raised with too much love.

Now I begin to understand why she smiles. We're not similar at all in that we lost all our family lately.

R - You didn't lose them... You were being freed from them...

She has a very sad smile. It's not something easy to admit. And she surely still had some feelings for them all, that turned to grief and mourning later.

But now, she's free. For the first time in her life.

A - My freedom began that night, that dreadful night.

First when her baby died. Then when she chose to follow me.

When she found herself able to follow me, an odd woman able to venture alone in that world overflowing with danger.

A - I saw you alone... And I thought, ''Ah, I wish to be able to live alone like her.''

She marks a pause. She looks at the horizon and then at me.

A - And then I thought... I wish to live alone... With her.

I'm a little embarrassed and flattered by this sudden confession.

But I'm truly impressed by her will. More than confidence or hope, she's revealing her will... How could I've been so blind?

She goes on. She's not done surprising me.

A - All my life, I've felt I was surrounded by monsters. I even gave birth to a few without a choice. But you... You were something else. Thriving alone, distant from the others. Able to care for us with a bit of cold pragmatism then. You almost never talked and your face remained almost expressionless, did you know that? I could tell you were scared too, but you never lost your temper and cool... Until...

Until I thought of killing her because I was turning insane.

A - until you left... You were the first one to choose to get away from me, rather than risking hurting me... I know it may look sad from your standards, but that made you the first person who truly cared about me.

It did? Despite what I did?

A - You're... A different kind of monster, Rose... One that shown consideration, care and honesty, aside intelligence and strength... You're the only one who truly seduced me...

Now I'm blushing. I never expected to seduce anyone, moreover unwillingly, and even less another woman... A mother and a widow. I could never have imagined what I meant for Ann, but now I understand her better.

And because I'm that monster, I accept her as she is. Just as I accepted that glass of milk.

Though I don't know how to tell her that. She's looking for a reply from me. What should I say after all that?

I'm thinking. I'm grateful? It's not quite that. I am, but it's a bit off topic. I can't find but begin to have an idea. I slow down the horse and stop. She does too, worried probably.

I get my horse to go just aside hers. It takes a minute. I offer her my left hand. She gives me her right hand, wondering.

I don't say a word because I haven't found any right or good one. I lean and gently kiss the lady's hand.

I thought I might as well share some of that gentle mood I grew up in with her.

And I give her the warmest smile I can offer.

She looks... Surprised, and touched. I think she has tears swelling up. It's been a long day already. We've talked a lot. We still could ride a few hours before the sunset though.

Rather than asking, I give a little nod toward the way we're going. She has a strange tearful smile and gets her horse to start moving again. We're going. I'm smiling.

~

I impressed her when we met. But now she's the one impressing me. She was able to seize the slim opportunity, and changed for the better... It's been true for a while now, but I can say that I'm glad I met her.

Maybe quite as much as she is to have met me.

I bet my sister would never expect me to come home bringing a woman along.

Another woman...

We camp alongside that road. She slept next to me. She keeps giving me these grateful smiles.

She's interesting. Right, sis'?

~