121. Decision, 8

(Ann)

It was an uncertain day of Autumn, during the third or fourth year of the new world.

As I felt myself vanishing, I remember that soothing peace, but also feeling sad. I couldn't help but think that I made a mistake.

I burned myself trying to get closer to the fire. Or rather, I've hurt myself on the Rose's thorns, trying to hold it too tight.

Freedom is a dangerous feeling. I wasn't prepared for this. I was not wise enough to enjoy it to its full extent. But I've enjoyed it enough to make up for my past lifetime.

I may have made mistakes, but I regret nothing.

I lied, I stile, I killed, I fought. Because I needed to do so, in order to survive. I felt guilty because of it. Because I valued my existence meekly, believing I should never be more than a slave.

Freedom makes unprepared souls like mine anxious.

My life was meaningless. I was just an insect.

My new life... I never truly understood it. But it felt very sweet. I was being given a second chance, at first. And freedom, soon after.

I was too young. I still think I didn't matter to this world; but I... I lived. I truly lived on for a while.

It was so different. I loved being alive in some brisk moments. I remember thinking sometimes that I love this world.

Because I had her next to me.

She accepted me. Even though she never liked me.

I hoped, I wished, and asked for a little too much.

Still, she freed me, unwillingly or not, this was already something unparalleled.

For her to become in love with me as well, was pushing the odds too far; beyond reason.

We always hunger for more; I couldn't help it.

When I'm more reasonable, I realise that I was already incredibly lucky to meet her.

I was ecstatic. I received so much, so quickly.

But I couldn't receive her love. Now that I know her better, I've come to understand why I never had a chance of really winning her heart.

To put it simply, her heart was already taken by someone else. Someone so dear to her, I've never even heard her name. I would never compare.

And even after realising her disappearance, I was not the kind of person that could win her over.

Maybe I'm too hard over myself. I did win her over for a night. But I don't think she liked it. She began to step away from me right after that. It was probably already over.

Well... This life, it meant something pleasant to me.

I had some happiness.

I wish it lasted longer, but no one lives for ever...

I never listened to the demon speaking to me sometimes. Why would I have tried to bring this woman to it?

This demon was fairly naïve.

Once we were far enough, its voice couldn't be heard anymore. I've won...

When Rose told me where she wanted to go... I realised I had lost. I wouldn't be able to stop her.

I could never manage to stop her...

My last days, I preferred to spend them along with her nonetheless.

It has been nice, living with her.

I'm pretty sure that one way or another; meeting that demon will mark the end of our time together.

That makes me sad. But my new life has been nice. Now I can say... I've been happy.

At least for a little while.

Ann R.

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