143. About sex, 3

(Rose)

R - No, I shall not teach you about sex! I'm not that kind of woman!

B - But I want to learn! Also it seemed it would benefit you.

R - And how is that? Beside shame, pain and disgust? I don't like that subject.

I was unlucky and made a mistake. And now I'm just angry.

We found the corpse of a man along the road. While I was digging him a grave, she wanted to investigate his brain before it fully decayed.

She wanted to learn she said. And I made the grave mistake to let her do so...

R - Don't tell me this is the only thing you learned from that man?

B - I picked up what I could find here and there, as usual. But what surprised me most was the importance of sex, yes. It wasn't as important in the other brains I visited, especially not yours. I wonder why is that?

R - The culture I'm from is very prude. We're not savages... We weren't... Curses! I should have known better...

B - Why are you so angry and afraid?

R - I am because I don't like the subject and foremost I know you! You're curious but you mostly find your pleasure in teasing me.

B - Oh, I get it. And you're afraid because that's where I could tease you the most.

R - In more ways than one... Oh goodness no!

B - Ah ah ah!

And she laughs already.

B - He heard once that sex is about power. Is it true? You do seem afraid as if I had found a great potential power over you.

R - Yes, it is true... It's the power of males over females. It's a biological hierarchy that is... Was translated into the cultures I've known. Women were weaker and men had more rights. Plus they like that and it hurts...

B - You have strong opinions about it...

R - I...

I kill a dark thought that tried to appear in my mind.

I don't know what to say, but I do have sharp opinions on the matter yes.

I'm grateful to my parents for sheltering me from abusive marriage. On the other hand, what I know mostly doesn't come from my experience, and I remained scared of...

Between what I don't know, what has awful reputation, and the nightmares of my youth...

I hate talking about it. I hate thinking about it... Sex with a man... Just thinking about it makes me nauseous and furious as I am now...

R - I hate feeling threatened... That's why I'm angry. And I feel threatened as much by what I know about as what I don't know about for that matter... Which includes you.

B - Me? I'm just curious.

R - No, you're not. And I don't like at all feeling that I can't trust you.

B - You're really angry at me... I'm sorry Rose. I didn't want nor meant to push you beyond your limits as I did. I'm truly sorry.

I'm silent, still angry, though confused feelings fly around my head.

I finish burying the corpse of that man she somehow knows a little now. All I feel is disgust now. I don't want to know...

~

I spend a poor night. I don't sleep well because of the worries and nauseous feelings. I end up sighing in the middle of the night. I know she's aware of it since she never sleeps, but she stays politely silent.

I have to ease my mind and do something about our problem. I call for her and she replies immediately.

R - What do you understand about sex?

B - That you don't want even to talk about it. This comes first.

R - No... That's not entirely true. Talking about it we can. It's the real thing between man and woman I don't want you to approach or tease me like that about...

B - Because of the power it would be over you?

R - Because I felt I couldn't trust you anymore. It is a chunk in my armour as you once said. A weak point. Maybe the weakest one. Don't scare me there please.

B - I'm intrigued but I understand. You already trust me with such power I could have had over you that I didn't understand how that could be different. But that difference in the subject was painful to you.

R - Thank you.

B - It wasn't selbstverständlich for me because I hadn't realised the width of the cultural and emotional attributes sex has for you.

R - It wasn't what?

B - Your reaction was illogical to me at first. But I have a better understanding of where your limits are. And it's not directly linked to the power over you itself, which was my first thought; because you trusted me with far more than that.

R - Well, I don't like being called illogical, but from you I can see where it comes from.

B - So, if I promise you I won't try anything nor ask you to do anything demonstrative, would you mind us talking about its meaning and tenants? I am curious but will restrain myself to what you agree with.

R - That way, we can do.

~

We talk more calmly about it over the quiet night. We hear very little insects despite being in a summer night.

B - Sex is really a tough subject for you, isn't it?

R - It is yes. For cultural and personal reasons...

B - Let's start with the beginning then, rather than what I learned from that corpse. What did you first learn about it?

R - What did I learn first? Or rather when did I first understood what it was. Hm... Unlike things we learn openly at school, or church, it's something we didn't. I learned about it when discussing reproduction, laying children, and my periods. My mother told me how this works, but little more at first. My friends, one of my sister, they talked with me about how painful and violent it could be. I... I can tell you that once you held the hand of a girl crying in pain, days after it happened, you become rather reluctant to try it for yourself.

I'm lying... I just... I just can't say it to her...

R - ... Most women my age, of my time, were under unthinkable pressure from their family and society. They suffered because they were convinced it was the right thing to do, or because they did not have a choice anyway. I was amongst the luckiest of all as my parents kept me free from all that... I guess what you learn about sex from a man is utterly different.

B - Well... Yes. I understand better where the power is, from what you said. It's not just physical.

R - You know... What do you know about justice? About things being fair, with equity?

B - Justice is a tough concept to me but I got the basic knowledge about it.

R - Well... Humans get angry, violent and murderous when they feel that justice has been wronged, tilted, and that the place they live in became unfair to them. Do you follow my thought?

B - ... I guess... You feel like sex is not fair between men and women?

R - Yes. No matter what, it seems to me, it'll never be fair to us, and that's part of why I hate it. Men are getting the better end of it, so obviously they would never mind to keep things as they are. Some would even fight to the death to keep their privileges. Men will never suffer as much as we did because of sex... It may not matter much nowadays though. But if society remains, I would bet that justice is still out of reach.

B - That's not very optimistic.

R - Well, it's not my favourite subject to discuss as you can understand. It doesn't bring out the best of me...

B - ...

R - What is it?

B - I'm just thinking about it all.

She thought of something she doesn't want to speak about just yet. She's being more considerate I think.

B - You... You had sexual desires though. Didn't you?

Thankfully, she asked that very meekly.

R - It's rare, but it happened... But I have bad memories about it too. If you're referring to the crow...

B - Well, I did take a look inside her brain and memory to learn English, and that's not all I learned...

R - Oh goodness no... This is so embarrassing.

B - No, please don't be mad. I am curious but you don't have to talk about it if that was enough for you.

B - You're being very considerate at quite the odd times you know. One or two sentences too late...

B - I'm sorry.

R - I was not... Myself... At neither of those times. And I regret them both. Difficult times change people and we end up making choices or doing things we later regret. They weren't my best courses of actions.

B - I can understand that. I can feel that disgust you currently feel. I was pondering about a detail regarding, well I could say sex in general. It doesn't have to be about these times you regret specifically.

R - And what would be that ponder?

B - Well, the aspect of pleasure, not power.

R - What pleasure?

B - ... ? Well, like kisses are pleasant to you. It seemed to me pleasure has an important room in sex. No?

R - Surely for men. Rarely for us.

B - I see... So if I may make sure I understood... You may have some sort of pleasure too, but it's almost always spoiled by physical and emotional pain?

R - I...

B - Like these rare desires that only brought bitterness in the end. They might have brought something good to you for a while, but also too much disgusting thoughts and feelings?

R - I... I think so... I guess you can say that yes.

B - Or like food that you may like but makes you horribly ill if you were to eat it?

R - There it's a little oversimplifying what the illness and fear of it are. But it's something like that yes. I think you get it now.

B - Thank you.

R - Well... I'm glad to discuss things with you, but that one talk really exhausted me...

B - It's one of your weakest points.

R - Hm.. I guess so... We all have weaknesses. My main one, before I met you, it was the fear of losing the one I love...

I'm getting sleepy and mumble more than I talk.

B - You can sleep, I'll watch over you. Sleep well.

R - Thanks...

~

I have dreams that night. Awful dreams of me strangling people or being strangled. I'm scared and I suffer. And I'm alone with those horrible feelings.

I only see blood and death coming out from my body. Nothing pleasant ever truly came out from me... It's depressing.

I was free from marital obligation in my family, free from slavery. But that insane gift also made me feel a little like a failure. As if I wasn't worth being human. Even choosing to suffer has logically limited sense.

I've been alone feeling like a monster, rather than suffering like a beast, a lot like those poor animals were. Sometimes there is no better choice, only different drawbacks between Scylla and Charybdis.

I cried over that pain during that night.

Because that weakness inside of me is more painful than I'm willing to admit. That's just my reality.

I woke up in tears and cold sweat, as it happens to me from time to time. I'm in panic at first as I don't remember where I am and am scared of the dark.

Then I hear her being kind and softly reassuring me. My breath and heartbeat are calming down slowly.

She comforts me in a very motherly way, confident, as if my pain is just a passing dream...

I know it's not, it's a part of me; but I can enjoy the kind lull and softer dream she offers me.

I fall asleep under a softer state of mind. I don't desire more than that.

~