Void

Emptiness.

I was void of feelings. The sight in front of me made me feel empty, made me feel nothing. In my mind, I knew that I was supposed to feel sad, I knew I was supposed to cry and let all my feelings out. But, I didn't do any of those things. I just blankly stared at her, at my mom. My hands were trembling, my body was sweating, my head was splitting with pain but the most important thing; my tears, were missing.

I blankly stared at her for what seemed like an eternity. But eternity hadn't passed, in fact, even the night hadn't passed evident by the darkness outside. My eyes were finally peeled off the body and something caught my eye. A page. A page filled with words. Words that were written in my mom's handwriting.

"Benji, your dad is a great man. When people told me he left, I didn't believe them because I knew your dad, I knew what kind of man he was. And I thought you knew that too. But, you, just like the others, belived that your dad ran away. You never understood my pain. But, it's fine. I have now realized what happened then. He would never leave me. He would return back. This was what I thought. But, now, I know, your dad can't return because he is unable to. The only explaination is that he isn't even with us right now. There must've been an accident. So, I am going first to reunite with him. If you want to join your mom and dad, untie the rope and do what I did. Don't be scared. We'll wait for you."

"...."

Was she being serious? As I read the letter, the tears which didn't show up before started flowing. I wept. This was the second time I had cried because of my mother. But, I much preferred the last time. Why wasn't I a better son? Would mom be with me if I believed that dad didn't run away? Would she still be with me if I realized her mental health getting worse day by day? Or would everything I tried to do would be meaningless anyways? I had no answer. I read her letter again. Then, again. I read it until I had memorized every single word written there. Why? Because this was the only connection I had left with my mom.

I didn't know what to do. The letter made me question myself. Maybe I should do what mom said.....maybe I too should go meet my mom. Death seemed much more easier than life. What did I have left to live for anyways? No mother. No father. No family. No...friends? That's wrong. I have a friend. I was lost in thought with tears overflowing my face.

I tried to get my mom's body down, but couldn't. It was heavy. Even after her death, I couldn't do a single thing for her. During her life, I was unfilial; I thought I could try to at least be filial now. But, no. I didn't get a chance. Trembling, I called the ambulance. And while waiting, I kept straing. Not at my mother, but at the rope hanging her. The rope seemed beautiful. It looked as if it was calling out to me. It was waiting for my response.

And now, I too was willing to respond.