Descent

A fusion of thoughts swirled in my mind, each one more suffocating than the last. What good is there in living anyway? All the misery, pain, guilt, and relentless thoughts could simply fade away if chose to end my life, couldn't they? Many view death as a punishment, but I see it as liberation. An endless, peaceful freedom, with nothing to worry about. I find myself alone, with no one left to live for.

With these thoughts consuming me, I rose abruptly, my gaze fixed on the rope that had granted my mother her escape. Slowly, I reached for it, untying it from her neck. Her lifeless body in my arms- the same arms that, once enveloped her in warmth-I gazed at her face. Pale and calm, it bore an expression of peace and release. The void within me was so profound that not my tears stopped again. It was enough now. She was gone, and her absence no longer mattered. I gently laid her aside, and now it was my turn.

"Life is indeed very random."

While I was on the brink of liberation, a familiar voice pierced through the air and strikes into my ear drums-a voice that I loved to hear , the voice of the girl that had provjded my life some meaning.

"Benji...Benji... you left your glasses case in the movie hall and why is the gate of your house open-" Her eyes widened in disbelief. Looking at what was happening, she couldn't get her words out. But finally, she spoke.

"Benji!?! What the hell are you doing to yourself?! Are you in your right fucking mind?!"

"Get this stupid rope off your neck. And what happened to your mom?! Why is she unconscious like that?! Please, tel me what's going on! Benji, for fuck's sake, speak up!"

I lay there in her arms, my expression cold and vacant, as if I were the dead body, I stared at her with lifeless eyes, - only able to see her frantic movements and hear her muffled shouts. Her eyes were concerned witha tinge of worry, but I couldn't grasp her words. Was she angry? Confused? What was Evana doing here, screaming at me? What was she trying to say? Suddenly, my hearing returned in a rush.

"Benji, you're scaring me! Please, say something to me, Benji!!"

"My mom.

"Yeah, what happened to your mom Benji?"

"She is dead. I was about to join her..."

Her eyes widened in disbelief as she tightly gripped my hand, falling silent, for a moment that felt like an eternity "How...? Why..?"

I quietly handed her my mom's suicide note. She read it quickly, her eyes racing over the words, her hands trembling. "Oh.. "

That was all she managed to say before the paper slipped from her fingers. Silence enveloped us as we sat side by side on the floor, leaning against the wall, me in her arms, staring into the empty arms, both with our own thoughts.

She must be devastated, struggling to find the right words or maybe she just doesn't want to speak at all. Why wouldn't she be? I would feel the same if were in her shoes. From a day full of joy, to finding out something like this occured! How selfish of me. I pulled her in my own misery and made her feel terrified. My vacant eyes began to brim with tears, and I felt my hand tremble in hers. The weight of guilt- both for being a neglectful son and for pushing Evana,a happy girl into a scared lonely girl- overwhelmed me. I struggled to meet her gaze, unable to face the pain reflected in her eyes. Was i realy in the brink of ending my life. What felt like an absolute decision, now feels like a foolish act of selfishness. Is this because of Evana? Was the guilt of making her see something so unforgivable making me want to repent to her?

After what felt like an eternity, the ambulance arrived, and they gently lifted my mom's lifeless body, taking both her and me to the hospital. In that moment, our hands slipped apart and I was forced to leave Evana behind. The silence hung heavy petween us; she didn't utter a single word, nor did I find the strength to speak. As we drove away, a thought flickered in my mind.

Perhaps, amidst all this darkness, there was a shining ray of hope. Who said I had nobody to live for? I had someone. Someone who was beside me when I was at my lowest. Someone who pulled me back from the looming death I subjected myself to.

Maybe, just maybe. I too had something that was worth living for.