Rights and wrongs, all my life

i pull out a cigarette and light it up. i look at the envelope, besides the cryptic message and the sender and recipient, nothing else is written. i rip it open and look inside. Inside was my manuscript, probably with corrections, and a piece of paper from Bogdan.

'The link between the blacksmith and the king, where is it?'

Fuck me, i forgot to put this in the book. i thought that i'll remember and didn't noted the idea down, and when i passed that place and time where i should've inserted it, i completely forgot about it. i want to repair this mistake. Even if it won't help me with anything, this book, and probably i'll hide it somewhere, where it would be found so far in the future, that letters and words will be methods of communication long forgotten. Obsolete. But i can't let it be incomplete, after how much i've worked on it.

i'm not hurrying anywhere anymore, i could just go at the National Library. There aren't many people going there, just students, and they usually go to the rooms specific to their studies matter. So i set off for the library.

Should i continue writing? Now there's nothing to stop me, nothing to steal my concentration, or rip me away from my process. i can take a laptop, and if i suddenly have the urge to write, i could always go up a roof, into an abandoned building, or a closed to the public area, or even just go a few meters down, in the ground, and write. No responsibilities, or tasks, or duties…

But i don't feel like doing it anymore. Doing it for what? Writing just for myself? Just for me to know? Or if i just release them to the living world, with a pen name…i couldn't enjoy them. Why? i couldn't go to someone and say, i did this. i couldn't be proud of my creation without someone, anyone, to see me, the creator. To see my struggle and my effort and my sacrifice. i'd die just to sacrifice…for myself…

There is no reason for me to exist, if i can't be seen.

i arrive at the library, light up another cigarette, and go in. And i start looking for a more, secluded spot. i find a few desks in an empty room, just of people, but full of books. i sit at the desk, and get my manuscript out. Papers and pens were already waiting for me at the desk, as if this very desk, was awaiting for me to sit down and finish my book at it. It was its honour.

So…i don't know exactly where and how to start. i guess i need to flip through the pages, until i find that very hole, where i need to insert the missing piece of plot into. But i take it from the very beginning, and start skimming through.

The story begins with a boy, son of a very known blacksmith. Renowned for the fact that he was the only blacksmith, on a distance of at least ten villages. But even this kind of fame, is too little for a kingdom so big. The boy that was just around the corner to his 18th birthday, was living with his father outside the village, at the edge of Afgania kingdom, at the edge of a smallest village, so small that it didn't had even a name. It was more like a gathering of houses, on the road to the border.

Afgania kingdom was huge, the biggest from all the drawn maps, and the strongest. But it wasn't like this since forever. Before the boy came to the world, all the kingdoms were at war, at that time, all the kingdoms were more or less equal in power, size, and resources, and all were fighting for the same region. A beautiful mountain, and at the same time so rich in ore. A mountain that resided in a neutral region, that wasn't owned by any king, but was coveted by all.

The king of Afgania, succeeded through ingenious strategies, to lead his army to victory, and so he conquered that region, and two other kingdoms in the process. Thing that changed the scale of power, and led to instant peace, peace that could never be broken again.

The boy's father was not a blacksmith so skilled as he was known, but he was doing his job. He didn't want from his son to become a blacksmith too, even though it was a rare, and so sought profession. He wanted more for his son, that's why he trained his son, and prepared him in all the arts, even the art of wielding metal. The boy learned to hunt, write, read, and calculate. To make, cook, and even build. The blacksmith taught the boy about war, from wielding all kinds of weapons, to wielding armies. About strategy and resources, about how to rule, but also how to listen. He trained the boy in all the odd possible subjects.

And he left a little time also, for the usual stuff, like ploughing, livestock farming, and barter. And not least, he taught the boy how to wield hot metal. The blacksmith was a very calculated man, intelligent high above the status he had, but he never asked more from life.

The boy grew up in poverty, and led a simple life, but he missed nothing from what he needed. Only his mother, was sometimes on his mind, but he knew that all the money in the world wouldn't get her back. His luck was that he didn't got to know her, as she died a few days after giving birth to him. The two of them, father and son, had good days and bad days, but there wasn't a day without food on the table, clothes on them, and roof above.

Even though his father wasn't that skilled, he had lots of orders, and always had some money kept somewhere for rainy days, or at least that's where the boy thought the money came from.

And then, in a day like any other, that uneventful village that didn't saw excitement even during the war, was suddenly surrounded by the king's army, more precisely, the Golden Brigade. The elite corps that are tasked with the protection of the king, or with the most important missions. The soldiers in shining armour, that seemed to be made of gold, enveloped the city. It was a view that few, or even none of the villagers, had the pleasure to ever witness.

The boy, at that time, was on his way to the village, he was returning with his father to their house, after a long and successful hunt. The boy was pleasantly surprised, when exiting the forest, he saw that golden army. But his father didn't have the same reaction. And then, the father took the boy, and told him he was meant to become a great ruler, the greatest that ever was, but right now, he has to listen to his father clearly, and do exactly what is told.

The boy, a little confused, always knew that there are moments when he could not get out of his father's word. And this was one of them. He saw that his father was suddenly afraid of something, and so he did what he was ordered. The two of them went towards their home at the edge of the city.

The two of them used the forest as a cover, and after they got to the closest point to their house, the father told his boy to stay hidden and wait for him, and when he sees him coming on a horse, to run as fast as he can and jump on that horse.

The house was close and in view from where they stood, and so the boy sat in the bushes, watching his father go towards the golden soldiers that were giving oddly amount of attention to their house. The father was greeted by the soldiers, and entered with them inside, only one remaining at the door. Near the boy's house, at just 5 minutes of walking, a huge tent was being pitched, a royal, white, and beautiful tent. There was the big part of the little army, building quickly a base. Some other soldiers were patrolling, and creating a perimeter around the village.

The boy got bored of waiting, and he didn't like to just stand around, while his father went alone to deal with the soldiers. But he couldn't disobey his father's orders. So he waited. And the wait didn't last long, as a black smoke suddenly started to get out of his house. His instinct told him to dash to the house, but he couldn't.

Quickly after, the guard outside became alerted by loud noises, noises that could've been heard even from where the boy was hiding. The house is engulfed in flames in no time, and the barn door bashed open, by the rapidly growing smoke. And from the smoke emerges a black horse, galloping furiously with the boy's father on his back. The boy then rose up from the bushes, and got into position to run after the horse. But out of the corner of his eye, he noticed a soldier showing up from behind the house. An archer. And with the archer quickly followed the arrow, it barely missed the father, but the second didn't.

The boy, seeing the arrow stuck into his father's back, he just then realized the gravity of the situation. He ran after the horse, then quickly and swiftly got on the back of the horse. But the boy was in shock. The alarm was set off, the horn was blown, and a huge herd of horses came out in pursuit of them, with menacing golden soldiers, on top of those equally golden horses. But happily, the two of them were long lost into the woods by then.

And for hours, they kept running, on top of the horse, and for even more hours, the horse resisted to that torture, until it could not, and the horse collapsed under the two fugitives. And there ended the road of the horse. Their luck was, that they where already at a half of day distance from the village, and with no one to have followed them, it could as well be a hundred-day distance from the village.

They boy just then got time, to pull out the other half of the arrow from his father's back, and tend to his wound. Then they continued to walk, at his father's command. For the boy it wasn't hard, he was trained since he was so young, and could easily handle the effort, but the father was gravely injured, and was loosing blood constantly.

When the blacksmith finally reached his limits, after almost three days of continuously walking, and barely any pauses to sleep and eat, he asked his boy for a last pause. The father took his boy close to him, and told him.

"You are not yet ready to hear my story, and so young to even got to live yours, so I give you a letter, a letter that has the royal seal, and that you'll have to read only once, and that's in front of the royal court. Here, in this small, cheap, and ugly sack, there is an object of great importance and value for you, please, protect it with your life, because that's what is worth it, and I beg you, to not open the sack, until you get to read the letter.

"I have two more commands for you, son. No. In fact, no, I can't order you to go through what I want for you, I'd roll over in my grave to know you dead because of me. I just have, two more…favours to ask of you. First, I want you to leave me here and go away, as far away as fast as you can. And, I want you to go to the king, to go and take over the throne from under him. To fight honestly and without mercy for that throne, because that throne is for he who is most good and kind, and worthy, and courageous, and you son, deserve it. You are the most competent and befitting man in this kingdom, to sit on that throne, and call yourself king. So I beg you, you can do whatever with your life, from now on it is yours fully, but I beg you, as my last wish, go and sit on that throne, and rule this kingdom as it should be ruled. Because you are the one deserving of that position."

The boy didn't linger too much, and decided that he owed his father even his life, so he left his father there, to die in peace, and alone. And the boy started his adventure, even though he suffered, and was forced by no one, he was driven by his love for his father, and this was enough for him. So the boy decided, he will take those two last asks of his father, as his two last commandments. And he went on to fight, for a kingdom that abandoned him, and his father. A kingdom that abandoned all of its people.

The son of the blacksmith went through many adventures, troubles, trials, and even faced death. But he finally got, towards the end of the book, to stand in front of the royal court, in front of the king, and his counsellors, and the generals of the army, and even the simple mass that was gathered around.

The boy presented the letter, and the royal seal, and took out the object that was in the sack. It was a golden ring, with a ruby bigger than it's legal to wear, bigger even than what the king was wearing. The boy presented the ring to the people, and then put it on his finger. At that moment, the one that was sitting in the king's throne, was no longer a king, as the boy was in the possession of the king's ring. And so, the cruel, fake king, was taken away by the royal soldiers, at the orders of the general, and thrown in a cell for the rest of his life, for killing the real king, and trying to kill the real heir of the throne.

The boy just then realized, that his father prepared him for his entire life for this moment, and he knew, he was more than ready to rule the kingdom, better than the fake king, and even better than his father. The boy succeeded in retrieving his father's body, and buried him properly. Then, he had a long and prosper reign, lacking in wars, but filled with happiness. The best reign that this kingdom ever saw.

Now i know where to insert that information that's missing. In the letter the boy got from his father. He was supposed to read it loud in front of the royal court, and then he was supposed to find out his father's story. i can still remember it and write it from memory, but i want to start with, a break. i need a pause, i can't focus on anything else right now, but the two of them. But more on her.

i put the pages back in order, and leave them all on the desk, the library is empty. i look at the clock, it's almost 8 in the evening. The library is closed at this hour, so there's no one to touch my stuff. i leave them on the table and get out, and then straight to Sarah's place.

 *

i light up a cigarette while looking at the sky, the sun is not too far from going down, i have to get there before it does. As i get closer to her building, i pass again the beggar that's leaning on the building's side. She was sleeping this time. i slowly and quietly walk past her, to not wake her up.

"Could you please help me with a coin?"

i stop and instinctively check my pockets. Fuck me, i can't help her, again. i need to remind myself to go get some money from somewhere.

"Don't worry, I know you would help me if you had the possibility."

i feel bad again. i say nothing back and get inside the building. i stop to take a few more smokes then throw the cigarette and go to her floor. i stop right before her door.

i just died, and she wants to be together with my friend? i…i take out another cigarette and light it up, i…i don't care about him, he can go kill himself, set himself on fire, i don't care, but her… Did she not love me at all? All that time we had, meant nothing? She felt nothing…for me all this time…

i put out the cigarette, and take a step inside her apartment. i hear the shower running. my heart suddenly starts beating louder, and faster. i feel a warmth inside my chest, a warmth that spreads throughout my entire body. With each step towards the bathroom, time's slowing down.

i enter through the bathroom's door, and see the shape of her body through the window of the shower cabin. It's a translucent glass, no detail of her body can be seen clearly, but even so, it's already too much for me. i feel like collapsing, but i keep pushing my body forward.

i take a deep breath, and don't let it out. i enter the cabin. And see Sarah, washing herself, the foam trickling down her beautiful bare body. Her beauty makes Aphrodite look like an old ugly hag. It's the first time i see her naked, completely, i feel sick, or…i don't know…it's a sensation that eats my insides with red hot teeth. As if acid is dripping inside my body, and through my veins. my body is close to melting entirely, from inside out.

And i don't have yet the courage to lower down my sight, i don't think i can. But even so, she's so beautiful, her skin is so lustrous and soft, i can feel its softness just by watching it. i want so hard to solidify my hand, and touch her. Feel her. Lover her how i couldn't do those other…

No. What am i doing. my hand is going for her, i can't control it, or myself, i can but...i just can't. it looks like i'm aiming for her shoulder. my heart can't handle it, i don't understand how it can beat so much faster than in a living being's body. But if i was alive now, my heart would've exploded by now, tear itself into pieces, and fill my chest with this acid like boiling blood.

Same thing i felt those other times, with her…but now, it's not the same. i'm not alive, so i can't be overwhelmed by this, again…

Suddenly i hear a noise, i hear a loud noise, i think she dropped her shampoo. i look down to see…

"You just couldn't wait, huh?"

She knows i'm here?! i hear noises behind me, i turn, and see a human figure through the translucent glass. It just waits, outside the shower, not moving at all.

"I couldn't wait anymore, sorry."

Oh no…

"Come in."

The shower doors open, and in comes Matt. i see him looking at Sarah, i see his gaze going so effortlessly and so rudely up and down. His dirty, filthy, foul, nasty, ugly, fucked up, shitty gaze, that soils my girlfriend's body. That falls and drips over her body, and forms a garbage soup like slime covering her whole body. i, i, i feel…i want…i get out of the shower, out of the bathroom. Breathe. Exhale. Inhale. Exhale. Inhale. Exhale. Inhale.

i try so hard to gather back my feelings, my self, that just now shattered into billions of pieces. i don't know what is happening, because the only thing i'm feeling right now is that i'm dying. But i can't feel that, i'm already dead. i look at the bathroom door. i hear them giggling, kissing, talking so softly. i hear them moving around that small, ever so tight shower cabin. i hear them touching themselves.

i can't breathe, i feel…i feel how my chest is going to explode, along with my heart, and all this pressured air will be the end of me, and my dead body. As long as i hold in, more feelings i feel moving and tickling along my body. i feel it again, my body. Shocks, shakes, pain. i'm so holding myself so tight, so compressed, so tensed. So…so…so…agony anguish atrocious sensation…

i breathe out, that breath i held in all this time. my heartbeats slow down, again, until i can barely hear, or feel them, and then. Black.

"You want a sign?!"

i take a step back and start smashing my foot into the bathroom door. Like an animal that hasn't eaten in months, and it's more dead than alive, and that animal knows that behind that door, lay two beautiful, so succulent pieces of meat that don't deserve to live. That's how i smash the door right now, with my foot, like it doesn't even matter what happens with me, with my foot, with the door, i have nothing to lose. i'm already dead and i hit it like life awaits me on the other side. Like a famished monster. i try so hard to get on the other side. To get to them and…

The plaster and small pieces of wall start falling off, splinters bounce off the door, the top hinge ripped off already. i stop. One more hit, and i get to them. One more hit, and like a lion, i get to my prey, to my two pieces of meat. One more hit, and they're mine!

i hit that one hit. The door slams to the floor, broken, ripped in half, and many many other pieces. i see the two naked bodies, through the shower's translucent window, i avert my gaze. i can't see that…

i hear the shower door open. In all my rage, i didn't saw anything. Only now i can give significance, to what lays ahead of me, and at my feet… Only now i can hear that they were screaming and crying all this time.

The door really is, ripped in pieces, half in the bathroom half out, and between those wood pieces also lay pieces from the wall, hinges, the door handle. The wall around where the door was, is cracked and ready to fall down. And i see the two of them, naked, terrified, shocked and stunned and looking at nothing. More precisely at me. But they see nothing.

i'd like so much to get inside that bathroom, and tear them apart, in thousands and thousands of small pieces of meat. To paint the bathroom in red! But i won't.

i go to the balcony and light up a cigarette. i can hear them around the apartment, yelling and fussing in fear.

"Why?"

"i don't know."

"you know, or else you wouldn't have done it. Or else, you would've gone inside, after them, and…"

"Because i still love her! i don't know why, but i still love her!"

"After all that she did to you, after how she pissed on your existence, on your memories. On you! you still love her, and you don't know why?!"

"Yes! Isn't this what love means?! To love someone without knowing why, and no matter how much that person would piss on you, and how much you'd hate that person, still to love her?! Isn't this what it means?!"

"Yes. That's…exactly what it means…love…even I went through, and still go through, what you're going through now. I told you before, there isn't anybody that loves you more than I do. There isn't anybody that did more sacrifices than I did for you. In this matter, we are one and the same. Where others would've long given up, we two still persist, still fight with our feelings and ourselves, we still love, still suffer. We don't know how to give up. And this is a flaw."

It's the truth. What came out of His mouth, even if i don't see it, even if i don't see Him. i know for sure that i just heard the truth right now.

"i'm sorry."

"For what?"

"For making You suffer so much, i'm sorry that You love me so much, and i'm sorry that You are too going through what i'm going now."

"That's why I'm here for. Don't be sorry. Give up. It's not worth it anymore. Give in control, and let me take over this pain too."

"No, i can't give up yet."

"I'm sorry."

"Why?"

"Because I can't help you this time."

"It's alright."

A loud door noise pulls me out of my thoughts. It was the entrance door. i get in the house and see Sarah at the door. Her body covered by a towel. Crying.

"Not…not even after you die, I can't fuck?! Finally, you're out of my life, you nobody, stupid virgin, loser! And you, even after you die, still deny me this pleasure?! Why don't you let me fuck?! I want to fuck! I like to fuck, to rape! Leave me alone in my…! Fuck, you!"

i leave the apartment. i can still hear her yelling, i don't understand what, but i go down the stairs, and out of the building. i always thought that we two are different in this aspect, even opposite. Don't know how, or why, but i know this side of her, and it doesn't surprise me at all, even if i haven't seen it ever before.

On the stairs outside, i look left, and right, and go left, in the opposite direction of where the beggar is. i take out my phone, it's past ten, it's dark. i throw away the cigarette and light another. i want to go to my grave, stay with my body, to keep it from being lonely, to fall asleep once again, in my eternal place. That's where i'll go.

i enter the cemetery, i think i'm getting closer to the grave, but there are no lights on deeper in the cemetery, so i pull out my phone and use its flash to avoid stepping on, and trashing other graves. i head slowly and methodically, towards the place i was lowered into, just a few hours ago. It's hard to find it at night, and the thread between me and the body is getting thinner and thinner, making it almost impossible to follow anymore. In a few days it will be no more thread, and i'll feel my body no more, but i wonder what that would mean.

After a few wrong paths, i finally get closer to my grave, but i notice a human figure standing above my grave. A shadow, just standing there, in front of the cross, without moving at all. i get closer and see it's George. He was standing on top of my grave, pissing on it, on the cross, on the flowers, on the lit candles, and on everything in range. In his left hand i see a bottle of wine, almost empty. He came, and did what he promised. i saw enough, i can't get down in that pissed on grave, i head back to the library.

"Tell Me who…"

"These were all of them, and they were nothing. Only You left."

"Don't you want to see more?"

"No."

"Aren't you done, after seeing the truth?"

"i won't hand You the control."

"And what are you going to do then?"

"i'll roam the world, alongside You, i don't know… Maybe we'll really do this."

"you won't feel a thing, you won't lose a thing."

"Still nah."

"As I stay here now, like a spectator to your actions, and see everything you see, you can be this way too. Stay relaxed, on a comfortable chair, and watch the film of your life, unbothered by feelings, people, and hate."

"There is no more film of my life, it ended, only the credits roll now."

"If you give Me control, you'll see that maybe…it didn't end."

"For me, it did end. Begone."