Wronging my rights

i enter the library, get upstairs and find my desk where i left the manuscript. i sit down, turn on the pc under the desk, and open a blank document. Search again for the page where the boy pulls out the letter, i lay it in front of me, and start writing on the keyboard.

…so he presented the letter, and the royal stamp that sealed it, he opened it and started reading aloud:

"My kingdom, was a kingdom big, united, and rich in everything, and because of this we wanted for nothing, as we had everything. Even wars. I planned and fought along my brave soldiers, and we prevailed. We grew and built this kingdom, even stronger and richer. And I did anything to assure, that we won't see war again, nor our children, or our children's children.

"I brought peace to the land, and then, after everything settled, I stopped for a thought. I was born in war, raised in war, and I ruled in war, and for this, I was a good ruler, in time of war. But peace unsettled me, and made me see how weak I am, in times of peace. I saw that I am not fit to rule this kingdom, in times of peace, so someone kinder, and more prepared, was supposed to take my place. And even if I could've stayed at the royal court, I didn't want to raise my son, the same way I was raised by my father.

"I ordered my elite of scouts to search the whole kingdom, for a person that is the spitting image of me. And after a few months, and many other kingdoms searched, a scout returned with news. My lookalike was found, and then it was brought in big secrecy, to the royal palace. And I proposed to my lookalike, to take my place on the throne, until the day my son will be 18, and will come to take it back. My lookalike, a blacksmith almost unknown, from the edge of the kingdom, accepted without taking too much thought.

"Even though it seemed suspicious, and his character wasn't perfect, I was sure that it was a great idea, to have the kingdom be ruled by one of the working class. I didn't think that the blacksmith would become so corrupted, by the power and wealth, so quickly. But I stood and suffered, for, and with my kingdom, and continued to prepare my son, to take back his rightful place. For 18 years. I waited, trained, and prepared my boy, even better than I was prepared by my royal teachers and instructors. And not just me, but the low and poor life we led, was as good of a teach for my son. And he learned to be honest, hard working, and just because of this.

"So, I, old king and father, beg you to accept my son as your new ruler, and I promise you that he won't disappoint, and won't let down at all. For the council, to verify the veracity of this letter, please check the last page as it holds all the signatures of the royal councillors, and the generals, offered to me at my request, in my last day as a king. And for my son, I'm proud of you, of what you've become, and I'm sure you'll be the best king that this kingdom ever saw.

Signed, King Iosef, Breaker of Legions."

It fits perfectly with the text, i just need to modify some small things and it's ready.

 *

i finished it. The book is complete, again. i can't send it to Bogdan though, i don't know how i could…but i don't want to, also. my parents had the chance to help themselves…and besides that, they don't fucking deserve it. i print the paper written just now, and put it in between the others, i put the papers back in the envelope, and take a pen to note on it. 'Page 287 1/2 added', that's how i numbered the page i just printed.

The envelope is though ripped at the end, and i can't close it back. i start looking through the library for something to hold my papers. And i find an old folder, filled with scientific papers. i empty the folder, place the scientific papers in order, on an employee's desk, and put my papers in the folder, then i write again the same note of the page number, on the folder.

Outside, i light a cigarette, and take an accomplished hit. i could hide the folder anywhere, but where could i hide it better? If i take into consideration, the weather, the possibility to be found by someone even by mistake, there isn't much that i'm left with. The old apartment feels like the best option for now. i know where to place it to not be found, under the old bed or…i'll figure it out there. So i head to my old apartment. i throw the cigarette, and light up another, and look upside at the moon. It's almost full, there should be just a few days until it'll be a full moon.

i…that was my adventure i guess. To stay with my parents or my friends, is useless now, after…what happened, and i don't feel tied to them anymore. i don't care about them. i'm free. And i don't know what to do. i need to find a place of mine, that's for sure, somewhere where only i could get, or somewhere where no one would have the reason to enter. A place to stack my shit, starting with my book. A safe place, but not for me to stay at. No. i'll roam the earth, far and wide, i'll visit everything there is to visit. And after, i see what i'll do after. But i can already feel, this will be a boring eternity. Tomorrow i leave though, i won't wait anymore.

i get up to the old apartment, go to the old room i used to live in, and hide the folder under the mattress, and then i quickly jump out. i start walking the dark empty streets of the city. So calm and deserted. So relaxing to the eyes. i pull out my phone, it's half after three in the morning. i should sleep, but i feel somehow active. Full of…life…

 *

Those roads, and that lake, i trace my steps back, towards the serpent paths, and stop before the crazy bifurcation, before the tiny, narrow paths, that feel like they lead to nowhere and are just a tangle of paths. i stop right at the bench. i take off my shoes and socks, and place them on the bench, and i lay down my feet, to submerge into the water. i wish so much to feel it, to feel this right now, and it's funny but i never did this. It seemed so girly to do, but no one's around to judge anymore. And now, i just wish i'd feel this.

The lake is so beautiful at night. It's just me, nature, and the moon. The moons, there are two, the one on the sky, and the bigger, more livelier one, reflected in the lake. i, put off the cigarette and put it in my pocket. And then i light up another one, and with it, lights up the whole grass around, and thousands of fireflies start flying above the lake, offering me, and just me, a spectacle for gods. It's so beautiful, so calming, so relaxing. i feel warm and safe. i close my eyes, just for a second. A second that doesn't come to an end.

A damp smell forces me to open my eyes. It's complete darkness, the moon is no longer up on the sky, the fireflies are gone, and i can see nothing ahead of me. But around me, i feel i'm in a closed space, surrounded by old dust, and the air is closed too. i don't feel anymore, the open and possibly infinite space that i felt outside, the weak but constant breeze. i don't hear anymore, not even the sound of leaves, branches, or water.

"Trust me. And I promise you that any dream you'd have, will come true. Anything. you'll be able to do anything you wish."

i hear a rasping sound, short scrapes, another one, i hear it louder and more frequent. As it gets more intense, sparks start to jump out of where the sound comes from. And i keep hearing it, and seeing sparks, bigger and bigger, that hit the surrounding objects, and light them so very dimly, that i barely get to see what was lit, for less than half a second. And instantly, as the spark goes away, the memory of what i saw fades too. And then the flame comes. The lighter lights up a flame big enough to… i close my eyes instantly, before the light of the flame got to hit the objects around it, and before it got to show me, everything. Too late…

i didn't close them in time. i saw his face. i feel my body getting into a state of shock and intense trembling. i can't breathe, i can't move. my muscles are tight and flexed and unable to ease. my heart is giving up. i'm dying…

"Forget."

But it's not too late, the light is strong, it shines so bright into my eyes, disturbingly, as if it forces me to open them, and watch. i start to feel my skin being touched by light, by the warmth of the fire. i can't, i must see, i open my eyes. i'm still in the park, on my bench, feet in the lake. But this time, reflected in the lake i see, an orange fireball. It's the sunrise.

 *

i get up from the bench, i still had the cigarette burning in my hand, i throw it and light up another. i go towards the exit of the park, back on the large alley that i came on, and out through the huge, old, rusted gates. i notice a lot of people on the street, everywhere, too many for this time of day. i pull out my phone, it's 8, in the evening. That wasn't the sunrise, it was the sunset. This day is almost over, too soon, i…i don't like this.

i have to get out of here. There's something wrong with this town, with this country, with this whole continent i'm on right now. i want somewhere else. As far as possible from here. But first, i want, i have to see Sarah, one last time. It's not far from here, i stop at her place, i say goodbye…and leave. i won't stay any longer.

At the entrance to her building, i wait without moving, trying to think, if i want to see her, or not. Should i go up to her? i don't care about her anymore, right? i don't care what happens to her anymore, right? Anything can happen to her, and i wouldn't care, anymore, right? But i have to see her, one more time. i still love her… Right?!

i look in the reflection of the window, and see that the sun hasn't gone yet. i wish to see her, after darkness takes off her mask, i'd like to see her, the real her, the… It would be easier for me to say goodbye, to her real self.

i wait…no…there's no point. i don't care about her anymore. i'll forget her at some point. Same as i'll forget everything, with an eternity laid ahead, i'll heal all my wounds, i have all the time in the world. And the cause of these wounds, will remain in me, just as a far away memory, of a life almost forgotten. i have to let go.

"Exactly."

But not of control. No. i just have to leave, to go somewhere far. i'll need to take a flight, i think my powers could imply also flying, but if not, i'll take the plane, or take a car, or even by foot, only the destination matters. And it must be somewhere far. Since i've become eternal, the journey means nothing anymore for me, it hasn't the same value that it had, when death was the destination. Now, only the destination is unknown and left for me. i turn back and start going down the stairs, step by step, slow and hard, it is hard for me, to get away from her. The last tie that holds me back, and…but i leave.

i pass right in front of the beggar, i forgot about her. She isn't noticing me. i stop one more time, to look for a last time at her balcony. Too bad.

"Too bad. Maybe next time."

It's the beggar. She spoke. But now, i recognize the voice. i recognize these words. i heard them before. Where?! When?! i don't know. But i know it's important. It's very important to remember.

"Where have i heard this before?!"

She isn't saying anything. She's now quiet. i know…it was Sarah, and her friend, there was an old hag, a temple, a crowd of people gathered, thousands, and they were… i look up, above her balcony, above the building. Sarah…

"Sarah! Sarah! Sar…"

my voice fails me. There's no point, i dash quickly to the entrance of the building. i hear the beggar again.

"Too bad. It's too late now, stop trying. Maybe next time."

"No…it's not too late."

i hear her moving, i stop on the first step and look at the beggar, she isn't there anymore. i turn back to the entrance, she's there, in front of me. An old hag, with eyes white like milk.

"I'm sorry, but if she dies, you too have to die, and maybe, in another life…"

"Not now Olsana. And i'm sorry to tell you this, but i'm already dead."

i take two steps back, look up, above the building, Sarah is still there, at the very edge. i lower my body and crouch and i…

"Sadly, you aren't yet, we still need you."

What did she mean? But i don't have time for this nonsense. …i jump!

i push my feet into the ground with all my strength. i jump, and only look up, only to Sarah, i don't want to lose her from my sight, but the apartment windows that are passing by so fast, catch my eyes and i see the reflection of my body coming into each window that i pass, for less than a second, until instead of my reflection i see, Sarah.

i stop. In air. Feet dangling lightly. i'm right in her face. So close one to another, as we've never been before. Ready to kiss. i look below, and see the emptiness of 10 floors until the ground, and her bare feet, and her beautiful heels that are the only things that stop her from falling into the emptiness. i'm so scared by this height, but not for me, for her. Please, don't do this. Behind her i see the sun going down, but not fast enough to take her mask with it. The sun will disappear below the horizon, but not before Sarah.

"i'm sorry! Please don't jump. Don't end your life like this…"

"I'm sorry…"

"You have nothing to be sorry for…"

"…for forcing you… I'm sorry that I treated you the way I did. I'm sorry that I did to you what I did… I'm sorry that I didn't stop you when you came to me to check on me…when you left me… I'm sorry that I let you run away. I'm sorry, that I let you go to your death…"

i see her face filling up with tears. Her body starts leaning towards me. More and more, until…it's enough… Her face goes through mine, her feet left off the edge of the building. There is no turning back. But…

You can't! i back off a little, grab her shoulders, and push her, hard. And her frail body is propelled back, to safety, still on the roof of the building. Still.

"You can't! You can't end…you can't do this right now. You have no right! You have to pay, for how you treated me! For what you've done to me! For wanting to fuck my friend not even a week after my death! You can't choose now, the easy way out! To run away. Suffer! The same way you made me suffer."

Sarah is frightened. She doesn't understand what just happened. For her, the asphalt that was about to come close to her very fast, changed instantly with the gravel that was covering the building's roof. She gets on her feet.

"No, what…? What did just happened?"

She stays there for a second, to come back to her senses, and then starts running to me, to the edge of the building. To her death. i catch her again, and push her even harder. She falls on her knees and gets hurt, but doesn't take any pause this time, she gets up and dashes again towards me. And i too, start going towards her, pushing her again, and again, landing with my feet on the roof, and pushing her each time she tries to run to her death, and she does it each time she's pushed back.

She stops, after enough tries, hurt, blood dripping from her knees, elbows, forearms, sitting on her ass and looking straight at me. She's not staring blankly, but she can't see me either. Tending to her wounds caused by my shoves, she starts crying.

"Why can't you leave me? Why can't you let me die?"

"You hadn't suffered enough."

"Why?! Tell me why!"

"i'll come personally to take your life, when you deserve it. When i believe you suffered enough. Until then…"

"I want to die! I want to die! To be with you. I want to be with you again, please."

She starts crying even worse.

"What are you even doing here?! Why won't you leave me alone?! You should be rotting in hell now!"

"i'm already rotting, somewhere even worse."

"Let me come! So we can rot together!"

She can barely talk, i think she drank a little, before coming up here, but still, somehow, she finds the strength to get up once again. She turns to 180, and sprints to the other edge. It's useless. i'm already waiting for her there, seeing her running to me again, like an injured animal that's running from a predator, running from death. But she runs to death.

"You are starting to annoy me."

i put my hands on her chest and push, so hard that she's smashed to the entrance house to the roof. my body jerks, and starts trembling without control. She hit…hard. She's still conscious, but it was still too brutal for a human being, for a frail and soft girl. Her body contorted in a so ugly way. She's not moving. She's not moving! i run to her just to stop instantly, as i see her getting up, like a crippled dying beast, no, prey. She takes a look at her wounds, but stops after seeing there are too many to count them all. She's bleeding, from her knees, elbows, shoulders, head. Her skin is getting dark, forming bruises, everyfuckingwhere! After she tries to hold onto her elbow, in an attempt to stop the most serious bleeding injury, she gives up and starts limping, barely holding her balance. She opens the window of the roof house, and goes into the building.

i follow her in, and watch her stumbling, and trying not to fall down the stairs. She's barely using her right foot, she grunts at every move, she is in intense pain and suffering. i want to hold her so bad. But she manages to get down, to the ninth floor, without falling.

i close the security gate made of heavy old bars, i close the padlock securing the gate, and grab the gate edge, and the bolted bar that holds the lock, and pull them together. Pulling both so hard, i press them onto each other until the metal melds, so that it won't ever open, even with a key.

i let my body float down through the floors, until i stop at Sarah's. i see her coming down the stairs, a little more used with the pain, but still limping, to her apartment. She goes in. i guess… Fuck. i keep sliding down and stop at the ground level. i get out of the building, and go to the beggar's place. But she's not there anymore.

i look at the very spot she sat on all these days i visited Sarah, but she's gone, and there isn't a mark left, the dust and dirt are evenly spread. If a beggar, or anyone would've sat here, there would've been a trace left. But she left no trace, it looks untouched. i check around. She's nowhere. i look up at Sarah's balcony. i don't see her. She must be…

my head keeps replaying that moment, over and over again. The moment her body was bashed against the wall. i…try to hold it out and away from me, to hold back tears that push so hard to get out. i hurt her… Fuck! i hit her! Bad. my legs go numb, i fall down. i can't. i keep seeing her body, her frail body hitting, crashing into the wall, and all her limbs going limp, and so unnatural, and pressing against the wall. Her hard body, becoming like a flabby piece of clothing after the impact.

my heart hurts. i'm so…sorry…i regret…i hate myself for hitting her. i'm so so sorry. So very sorry. i can't stop this sensation of pain that flows through my heart and veins, this sorrow, bitter desperation. This black liquid, poignant sap flowing through my veins and spreading through…

Where is Olsana!

"Olsana! Olsana! Olsana! Olsana! Olsana! Olsana! Where are you?!"

"Easy, easy…you don't have to wake up all the dead."

"It hurts…so damnable."

"I know, but it will get bearable, with time, you'll get used to the pain. Come with me."