Not every right is so damn hallowed

The whole room melted around me, and i'm standing now in the same spot. In front of Sarah's building. It's dark outside. No lights on in her apartment. i look at my phone, it's 3:30. i go back to the old apartment, enter the old room, and fall down on the bed. i drop like a log, that tired i am. i'll wait here for the night to pass.

A loud noise wakes me out of the bed. Earthquake… No. Outside the window i see a bright light, and it's coming towards me, fast. i can't see what the source is, but i see to my right what seems to be like an edge, of a platform or something. It's above my head, but not by much. i grab the edge with both my hands, and try to get myself up as fast as i can. The light is closing up on me. i turn my sight to the platform and try a last hard pull, and up, i see a strange figure above me. A shadow of a man, and nothing more.

The shadow reaches down with a long black flamy hand. To my right i see Matt, he's also reaching down for me. i only grab the shadow's hand, and pull myself up. No matter how hard is to climb, or even if my life was in danger, or whatever now, i won't accept Matt's hand. Never.

Case in point…my foot slips, and time seems to not want to pass to the next second. my foot is going down, back into the dark pit from where i climbed, my body seems to follow the foot. The train, apparently that was the source of the light, comes for me. And Matt…he grabs my other hand and tries to pull me.

i yank my hand out of his grasp, ready to rip it off if he wouldn't release me, and i grab the shadow with it. i get pulled back up, by the sheer strength of this shadow, and lay my feet on the platform. The train froze. Time did the same. Only the shadow curls, and waves, and undulates, his edges acting like some kind of smoky fire, slowly moving fire. Dancing fire. Black fire.

i look around. It's a subway station, i'm on the platform, and the train was ready to come into the station, before it froze. It's empty, besides us two, even Matt is gone. The shadow looks at me, at my feet. They're full of dirt, reddish, bloody dirt, and soil. The shadow turns, i think what is the head, to me, and stays fixed. Only the shadow's edges move…dance. i feel like the shadow is looking straight into my eyes. But the shadow has no eyes, or anything else, is just the shadow, of something, or someone. i don't know…

"you haven't seen enough. you haven't gone through enough. you haven't done enough."

It's Him. He puts His hand on my chest, and pushes me back. All is moving slowly, but i can't use this, i can't do anything but let it slowly happen, whatever is about to happen. It's inevitable, i'll fall. i feel so useless, powerless, insignificant. i can't stop it. i can't stop the fall. i can't change my fate. As i go down, lower and even lower, the platform is going up, above me, and above it, the shadow…He, squats down, to have a better look at me. Now that He's lower, i see behind Him, on the ceiling, two plaques. On the left one it says:

 'Previous station: Land of the living'

And there's an arrow to the left, from where the train is coming. On the right plaque it says:

 'Next station: Land of the monster'

And there's an arrow to the right, where the train is heading. The train that is so slowly coming towards me. i land on the tracks, and see the train running over me. Going through me, stopping at the station, the doors open, nobody walks in or out, the doors close, and the train leaves. But still to the left, from where it came, from the… — i quickly look at the plaque — land of the living! i look up, above the platform, He's still there, squatting, looking intently at me.

"Run! Catch the train. Who knows? Maybe you make it. Maybe you get aboard, and finally get back to, the world of the living. But I don't think you want it yet."

He is pointing with His long, claw-like finger, to left, towards the train. But His face…His head is looking to the right, as if He's looking for something. But i see nothing than the infinite dark tunnel. i look once more at the slowly moving train, and then at Him. i must catch it to get to the land of the living.

Time is moving faster and faster until it comes back to normal. i get up and start running after the train. In my bare feet, stepping on these sharp stones and the rough cement blocks. i'm running after the train. As fast as i can, following and seeing how it gets further away from me, until it's gone, and in its place, a small sparkle remains. A sparkle. The light at the end of the tunnel, the tunnel that leads to my world.

i don't need to take the train, i'll run. Run, run, run and run. Without stopping. This time i'm getting there. i'm not stopping anymore, not making pauses. Not from boredom, not from tiredness, not even from the possible infinity of the path ahead. i run. But as much time passes by, the same distance seems to be between me and that sparkle. But i don't stop, nothing can stop me. i run. i refuse to ever stop again, even if i want it. Days, weeks, months passes. Even if i get old, on my last breath, and i get only for a second to enjoy it, i'll reach the end. i'll get back home. For that second at least.

Same size, same speed, same distance to the land of the living. It's not happening, but i run. There's nothing else to do…

i run. Not as fast as before, or as chaotic. i run. But normally, calculated, like a veteran marathon runner, but i don't get tired, physically. i do this to not go insane, to be able to divide my attention, my thoughts, also on something else besides running. To let other things come and grow in my mind as i run.

i've transformed this action of running, to be similar to the action of sitting on a chair. It would be more of an effort now for me to stop. Running, is now my resting, initial state. For me, running is like staying and stopping is like moving.

After i've ran, what i feel to be, years, decades, centuries, the sparkle, even if not so drastically, got bigger. It can't be observed while running, i didn't observe it, but it's clearly bigger than what it was in the beginning. i think. i don't even know what size it was at the beginning. i think, it was the size of the nail of my little finger, even smaller, measuring with my hand fully extent forward. But now, it is the size of the nail of my thumb, and i have my elbow a little bent. i'm getting closer.

After another eternity of running. my thoughts were consumed. Dried up. Nothing could come anymore out of my brain. i was finally mentally exhausted. i had nothing more to think on. i already thought about everything. i stop. i turn my head to look behind me, with a small laugh. For a second i thought it would've been really funny, if the station were right there, right behind me, at just a few steps away, after i ran for centuries! But it's not, it's just the deep darkness. i don't know what to do anymore. To run back to the station, would be another eternity spent running.

i can't run anymore. my body acts as if i'm dying. Shaking, gasping for air, and my heart is throbbing like it never did. It's so hard to run anymore. i look ahead of me, at the sparkle.

"i can't…anymore…please…you come to me…please…i want back…"

i look down at my legs, they look like they're about to fall. And i'm trying to push them even more. Even more steps. i push. i push as if it's either the leg going to move, or my hip is going to move, ripping away from the cemented leg.

And i did it. Almost ripped my leg apart, but it moved, one step forward. i go do it the same with the other. Pushing as hard as i can. Feeling the femur bending in a fucked-up way. And finally lifting the foot off and placing it forward. And i keep doing this, leg after leg. And i look ahead and watch the sparkle, how is coming closer, so fast. But is not looking like the sparkle is coming to me, even if i barely move forward, it looks like i'm, getting closer to the sparkle.

And without realizing it until now, i notice that i'm still running. i stopped, back then, right? i was too much focused on trying to move forward, when i should've focus on not being stopped anymore, and i forgot that i was stopping, so my body returned to its natural state. Of running. It sounds so stupid, but what makes sense anymore? i'm just happy that i'm getting closer and closer to the sparkle at the end of the tunnel.

Sparkling, sparky, SPARK!

The walls, the tracks, the ground, it's as if they all run with me. And the sparkle runs towards me. The sparkle, which becomes the light, the light at the end of the tunnel. It finally feels more like an ending, than just a dimly dying firefly lost in this abyss. This light is growing so big, and even bigger, until it's just a stone's throw away from me. And there it rests.

As my first step towards that exit goes terribly wrong. my foot plunges down deep into the ground. i jump forward on the other foot but it goes even deeper in. i try to run high, pulling my legs up and thrusting them forward just to get them even deeper. Each step i make, i get lower. Until i get past my waist. my legs are stuck, i can't move them under the weight of the earth, but i continue to advance, slowly, dragging my body with my hands. i keep moving forward, on my elbows, but the ground is getting even more liquefied.

i'm right at the end of the tunnel! i can see outside. It's my building, it's sunny, it's warm, it's beautiful. But the ground reached up to my neck. Like in the quicksands you see in cartoons. If i stay put, i'm going down, if i go further, i'm going down. If i…i can only watch and dream…

No. Anything i'd do, every time, it all goes to hell. It all gets fucked up. i've had enough! i pull myself one more time, grabbing the liquefied soil that i can reach furthest from me. It's not even an option to use the metal tracks or the cement supports. All is melting under my touch. All is broken after i touch it. But i keep going.

my head is tilted upwards, like in a swimmer's pose, the soil reached up to cover my mouth. i can barely breathe through my nose, and small pieces of soil keep getting into my nose. i have to exhale hard through my nose, each time i breathe, to keep the airways clear. i take another push forward. i'm almost fully covered. Just an eye stands clear, uncovered, left by whomever wants me to suffer. Just one eye reaches there. Into my world. To see what i can't have. i pull my left hand out of the ground and try to reach for the exit. It got out of the darkness. Of the darkness of this cursed tunnel.

i can't see it anymore, i'm all covered but my hand. But i can feel it. The sun, touching my wrist, the back of my hand, my fingers. i can feel the sun on my skin. The rays. After all this time of unfeeling, it's so beautiful, this sensation. Oh! And the breeze. The wind that dances between my fingers. The wind that manages to break into the tunnel, and move the crumbles of dirt from my eye. i'm laughing under the ground, and crying above it. These feelings…

i take another, probably last, deep breath, with all the dirt it can take. i get ready. And… Take a good last feeling of the sun and the wind that massages my left hand. Take a good last look at the sun, between the crumbles of dirt. It's so beautiful, all these colours. The white clouds, the blue sky, the yellow sun and the black dirt. i make a last attempt with my free hand…please…work… And i grab and pull, as hard as i never ever did, towards the land of the living. Now i see only dirt. Black.

 *

my body is light, suddenly, i don't feel suffocated by the dirt anymore. i'm back in…my world. i solidify my hands and pull my body up, i swim to the surface. Up, i'm greeted by the same cold sun, sun that cannot touch me. i'm in the cemetery. Behind me is my funeral cross. i get out completely and sit down on the grave. i light up a cigarette. Take a few puffs. Fuck!

Fuck all of this. my phone's clock is showing 8:24. i look one more time at the sky, it's morning. i try to feel the muscles of my feet, but i feel nothing. But i have this sensation that if i make even just one more step, they'll fall off. i'll wait a little longer.

The old woman said, go on the path of Light, or go to the land of the monster. That's all, there is no other escape from this hell. i also don't have anyone to go to for help. She was the only one that could've helped me. There is no other way. i can't go back, to that place, to see that… It's impossible. Every molecule of my body trembles, just at the thought of going there. It makes me sick. And i don't even know why… i don't know…

But i don't understand why do i have to forgive them, to go on the path of Light. Just to mess out with Him? Why the fuck did i get dragged into this all? Why have i, been chosen by Darkness, by Moon, by all of them? Why do i have to pay, to suffer and to deal with their pasts? As if they make me clean up their mess. It's their past, they should fucking deal with it.

i light up another cigarette and puff away. And to forgive, them… i don't know if i'll be able. Maybe she's right, maybe all that i saw until now was a lie. But i already saw things that i can never forget, they said stuff, they did some fucking things, shitty fucking things, that i can't forget. i don't know… i have to escape from this place. i'll have to forgive them. But i'll also have to feel it, i guess… i don't think it will work, just to think about it and that's it, or just say it and i'm saved. i think i'll have to mean it. To be saved.

i don't know if it's true what's happening under the sun, or just what's happening at night. i don't know who to believe in. In Him, or in Olsana. i don't know… Maybe it really wasn't them, maybe they really acted false at night, maybe i've been lied to, maybe i just want to believe that. Maybe they suffer, and maybe they deserve another chance. But i have to see it with my own eyes, if it's worth it. i get up off my grave and go towards my house.

i, expected to see my parents' stuff thrown on the street, outside the building, but they still have a few days i think. i go up the stairs and head towards the apartment's door.

"Let Me show you something first."

"Don't i need to wait up for the night to come, to see, the truth?"

"Don't try to be a smart-ass. you believe in whom you want to. I will show you something now, a memory."

"Whose?"

"yours. Go in."

It's day, and He didn't betray my trust yet. All He did, all He said, was straight, and true. The woman instead, helped me with nothing, and all was shaking from the beginning, and then, crumbling.

 *

A strange noise comes from behind the door. A metallic sound, something similar to the movements of the old wheels of a mechanic watch, a huge one.

i open the door and see a man in the foyer. The man was standing in the doorway, speaking with someone from another room, while he was trying to shove a document inside a small leather briefcase. The document doesn't fit, because of the stethoscope. He's a doctor. i walk in the foyer.

"And isn't there any other way? Naturist treatments, some pills, or alternative medicine? Anything."

"I'm sorry, but it needs work and time. You would get a better help from the doctor I put you in contact with. I'm good, but at what I'm doing, I work only with adults, and on grave psychological cases caused by studied traumas, by something that happened before, and has a well-documented precedent. The case of your son, has too many unknowns…"

The doctor makes a pause, but doesn't allow my father to interject.

"What my colleague recommended to you, I completely agree with, I can't stress this more, but he is much better and prepared to work on a case like this, than me. All I can do, I already did. I sent his documents to other experts around the world, after you gave me the approval. It's a case without precedent, and we don't know what to do in situations like this. All we can do is experiment, and use techniques that had success in cases that are similar, things that I cannot recommend doing to a child of this age. The young mind, it's still at the beginning and needs to grow. And we cannot experiment on it."

"Until now, at this very moment, we saw no improvement. On the contrary, his state has gotten even worse. The move could be very costing and difficult not just for us, but also for the kid. Please. I beg you. You must try something else. There must be something that you can do."

"Do what I told you. Daily exercises, lots of communication, and try to remain unchanged in your behaviour. As if nothing changed. You take a long discussion between yourselves, and with my colleague, and take a decision together. You need to realize that the best decision for the kid could not be the best one for you. We'll meet again, Monday, and tell me then, what you have decided."

"Yes, goodbye."

The doctor just nods, and then walks through me and out of the apartment. i take a look around. The apartment, is not ours. It must be, because they live in it, but i don't remember it at all. This one looks big, nicely furnished. We were poor when we lived in the apartment before the current one. i know we lived in another apartment before the present apartment. i remember. But i don't remember where we lived, before that. This must be long before the previous apartment, when i was too small to remember.

i get into the kitchen, there i find my parents, they seem devastated, they seem so young. They are a lot younger; it takes me back to my childhood when i see them so young. The shirt my father is wearing now, it reminds me of a day when he took me from the kindergarten, because of his work, that was happening very rarely, but i remember that day, because he wore this very shirt. Such a beautiful and warm shirt.

"What are we going to do with him?"

"I don't know, we keep going, we don't have any other option. I talked with the doctor he recommended to us, but…"

"But what?"

"He's not here, he said he can't help us unless we move to Bucharest. He said he can help us, but only if we're there."

"We can't…how, how is he different from the others?"

"I asked other doctors about him, I made calls. I…all are recommending him. He even has studies and researches done in English, published internationally. He's very renowned for his techniques of hypnotising, and something about subconscious induction or something, I don't know all that. But I know he's very good, and it's worth trying."

"It's in Bucharest, we'll have to move there. What are we going to do? You're going to look again for work? Get god knows what job so we can barely make it there?"

my father falls deep in thought, as if he's trying to find a solution right now, to fix all the problems. Mum interrupts him from his meditation.

"Have you thought about that clinic?"

"No! We can't do this. He's our child goddammit."

Mum sits on a chair and starts crying.

"I know but I can't do this anymore. I'm at the edge here. I'm not sleeping anymore at night; I haven't slept in months. My heart hurts every time I see him. Trust me that I can't do this anymore. I am human too. I'm suffering too."

"I understand you…but that's why we have to go to Bucharest. To heal him, and to finally release ourselves from this weight that presses us so hard."

"We are in a very bad spot financially. At least here we know people, we have someone to help us, it's easier to live. If we move there, we'll barely know anyone. We'll have no place to work, we won't have a place to move to. And the rent is really expensive. Why do you want to torment us? We'll be all alone there."

"Listen. That's the whole idea. This doctor said, the first most important step is that we all need a new fresh start. Far from here. With new people, new faces, new places. he needs this change."

"I don't know, I don't know how to handle this anymore. I don't know what to do to resist, to not go insane a…"

"Everything is going to be alright, trust me. And you've seen, after just one session, with him, here, what great fucking progress he had."

"We'll do as you say…I just hope it will be the good decision."

Father looks at his watch and gets up from the chair.

"It's time to eat. I'll go get him."

"Yes."

Mother gets up from her chair too and takes out a pot from the fridge. I follow dad. We go to a darker side of the house, where windows are covered, and we stop at the end of the hallway. Dad opens the light in the bathroom, which barely helps. On the right of the bathroom is an open door, it leads to a room enveloped in darkness. The windows have cardboard sheets and other stuff taped on, so nothing goes through. The door has a lock, but it's on the outside part, and the windows have the handle removed. Father goes near the bed and sits down softly on his knees, right next to…next to me…

It's me, i recognize myself, there can't be another child. he's not much under ten years old, but, but it can't be. i have a bunch of memories from that age. i…i know for sure, i fucking remember some things from kindergarten too, and my childhood…mostly… But this memory doesn't exist in my head. What i see now, it doesn't click. It doesn't exist. It can't. It's unreal, a film, it's someone else, that kid isn't me. It can't be me. my father grabs his shoulder and caresses him softly, and talks to him in an even softer voice.

"How are you doing? you're alright? It's time to eat. C'mon. Let's go eat."

The kid isn't reacting at all. he looks like he's a marionette. Only his hands are moving, and he's tightly holding a stuffed toy, a moon. Dad puts his hands around the kid to raise him up, but he doesn't get to. From the kitchen i hear a pan or something hitting the floor. And then some muffled, i think, cries. i try to focus on the sound, but it's silent now. Dad leaves me back on the bed and gets up.

"Stay here, I'm coming right back, I won't take long, I promise."

He gets out of the room and then in quick steps enters the kitchen. The kid remains unmoved, on the bed, sight blankly staring at nothing. i see his hand moving and pressing on the moon. From the toy, a lady voice says:

'I light up your night.'

i can't stay here, alone, with him… i turn around to get out of the room.

"Everything is alright. Don't be afraid, I'll take care of you."

"i know."

It's His voice. And the kid's voice.

"i want to look outside."

"you can't, I have to protect you from what's there."

"But Light will protect me."

"No, light can't protect you, it can only do you worse right now."

"But Light and Moon promised me that they will protect me. Day and night. They will protect me from Darkness."

i turn back to the child. In bed near him, was He, the black shadow. In this almost pitch-black room, He…is of a blackness so pure that makes the room look lit around Him. And He's looking at me. i feel Him looking straight at me.

"This darkness is still fresh, and light would only blind you. you have to remain deepened in this darkness, have patience, and when you'll be ready, you'll be able to confront it. And then it will disperse, and no shadow will be left behind. Only the light."

"But i'm scared. i can't see anything."

"Let me help you, please. I'll guide you, until your sight is back."

He gets up slowly and goes to take a small night light. He bends over and puts it in the power strip.

"For now, this is your light, but it's a light that leaves a lot of shadows. To enjoy light truly, you have to get used to these, to fight these, so that in the end, to get rid of these shadows. Bright light will not cast shadows away, will just hide them, the shadows will still wait in the very same spot, for the light to just flicker. A little more, you have to suffer."

He pulls the power strip close to the kid's bed and before He presses the button, He turns His head towards me. The light shines. And He's gone. The night light chased away the shadow. It was brutal, as if He were killed by that light.

The kid gets down from the bed and sits near the night light. he grabs the light bulb with both his hands and pulls closer and closer to it. Dad enters the room. And i start hearing a bang, a knock on the door. i go to the entrance door, but it seems like no one's hearing it. It's so aggressive, so loud, it's getting louder and more frequent. i grab the door handle.