Questionnaire

After the embarrassing McDonald's fiasco, I knew I needed to seek help. 

The boss, President Sun from work, was kind enough to grant me a compassionate leave for a week after hearing that my friend died before my eyes, although I spared him the details of what I witnessed. I guess my trembling voice as I called in sick on Monday morning helped. Not that I acted up though. 

It was my first time going to see a psychiatrist. I always thought it was for crazy people, which probably was true. Despite having some odd thoughts every now and then, it was difficult to compare my mind with other people whose minds I couldn't read either. Everyone must have some thoughts that are 'odd', too odd to share, perhaps. That would make it hard to set a benchmark of what is odd and hence require psychiatric help. 

So with nothing to compare myself to, I always figured that I was normal. 

But standing in McDonald's reporting a crime to a man at the counter was pretty abnormal. The looks I've gotten from everyone at the venue was enough to convince me that. 

Was I hallucinating? Why, and how, did I think that I was talking to a police officer in a police station?

Since it felt like my oddness manifested itself in a physical incident, I thought it was time to seek psychiatric help. 

Although I booked my appointment in advance, there were still many people waiting in the reception and it looked like I'd have to wait for a long time too. I looked around and tried to guess who was walk-in crazy and who was regular crazy. It was hard to tell. 

Disappointingly - as I was curious how psychiatrists work - upon verifying my name and ID the receptionist led me to a room to do some sort of a questionnaire instead of seeing the doctor straight away. It was a rather long questionnaire with 195 questions in total, all of them with a statement to which I'd answer 'true' or 'false' based on whether I agree with the statement or not. Not much different from those online psychology tests or ones that used to be popular in magazines.

I got started promptly once I was left alone in the room and looked at the first question. 

"1. Lately, my energy is draining out of me, even in the morning."

The answer was obviously 'true' in my case, but the only thing I wasn't sure about was the 'lately' part as I've been like this forever. I answered 'true' anyway. 

"2. I always make sure that my work is meticulously organized and planned. "

Definitely not. 

"3. I really love doing so many things that I can't decide what to do first."

This was a tricky one. The second part was true, that "I can't decide what to do first", but the reason wasn't " I really love doing so many things".

I answered 'false'. 

"4. I'm worried that people I rely on will leave me."

This one hurt me a bit. I don't think I was ever concerned about this and I hardly depended on anyone, but I realized how frightening it was to lose someone permanently, although it wasn't someone I 'rely on'. 

So "false" it is then. 

"5. Although I'm scared to make friends, I wish I had more than l do."

False. For sure. 

"6. I rarely show my feelings to the outside world."

True. For sure. Although I wasn't sure what feelings I actually had that were worth showing to the outside world in the first place. 

"7. I have a difficult time walking without losing my balance."

This question threw me off. I don't normally lose my balance randomly, but that one time… when Miho came to the office, I fell flat on my face and that's what started the whole thing. 

I didn't want to think about it any deeper than that and it was a one-off thing, so I answered "false" and moved on.

There were so many questions like this and I found myself actually kinda enjoying answering the questions. Some of the memorable ones were,

"24. I decided it's best to have little to do with people."

So true.

"38. My charm helps me get my way." 

Obviously not. 

"42. I delegate decision-making to others for me."

Puzzling, because I'm self-aware that I'm indecisive but I don't really have people that I can delegate the decision-making task. So 'false' it is then. 

"44. I have many strange thoughts that I wish I could stop thinking of." 

So frigging true. Especially in the past months, amplified tenfold since I met Miho. 

"73. I'm often told by people that I'm a very moral person."

A tricky one. Yes, people tell me that, but only people who don't know me say that. Come to think about it, that probably means there really isn't anyone who knows me well. Kinda sad. Not that I longed to be understood. 

"160. I flew across the Pacific 40 times last year." 

What the heck?

"176. If I feel a medication is not enough, I may take it more often or increase the dose." 

This one I decided to lie. If I said yes maybe they won't give me medication that I might need, or just give me a small dosage which would require me to come see them more often. It felt like this one could be a thinly veiled scheme for psychiatrists to lure people in to visit them often so they can make more money. I said 'false'.

"192. I feel I don't deserve to be happy."

I'm not sure how I felt before anymore, but this was how I certainly felt right now. So I said 'true'. 

After the last question of "195. I'm so anxious people will reject me so I avoid social situations preemptively.", I was done and handed my questionnaire back to the receptionist. 

The kind one gave me a reassuring smile that I wasn't sure I needed and asked me to sit and wait until they called my name. I checked the time and realized it was already 30 minutes past my original appointment time.

It probably takes them ages to go through my questionnaire and 'assess' me too, which will mean by the time I see the doctor I might have waited for well over an hour. This kinda annoyed me and made me rethink whether I should have said 'true' to some of the questions that asked me whether I get angry easily. I also had my doubts that although the questionnaire was interesting, anyone could really tell someone's mental health just by answering simple true or false questions. 

I suppose I'd find out. 

After waiting for another half an hour sitting between two crazies, the receptionist finally called my name. 

"Miss. Han Sohee. Please go to room number 5."

I got up, walked to room number 5, knocked on the door, and took a deep breath before opening it as the female doctor inside asked me to come in.

Here goes nothing.