Chapter Ten: No Escaping This Shit
Part 1 – Therapy Ain't For Me
I sat in Dr. Reynolds' office, arms crossed, legs stretched out, eyes on the clock.
Same shit, different day.
The office was too clean, too organized, like the people who came in here weren't fucked up.
Dr. Reynolds sat across from me, her usual calm expression in place. "How have you been, Jordan?"
"Peachy," I muttered.
"Still having trouble sleeping?"
I shrugged. "Dunno. Been too high to notice."
She sighed. "Self-medicating isn't a solution."
I smirked. "It works, don't it?"
"Only for a while."
I looked away, biting the inside of my cheek. She didn't get it. None of them did.
"Your birthday was last week, right?" she asked.
My whole body tensed. "Nah, we not doin' that today."
"Jordan—"
"Next topic."
She studied me for a long moment. "Fine. Let's talk about your friends. How's Matthew?"
I exhaled. "Same as always. Nosy as hell."
"And Josie?"
My jaw clenched. "What about her?"
Dr. Reynolds tilted her head. "I've noticed you get defensive when I bring her up."
I scoffed. "And I noticed you talk too much."
She smiled a little. "That's my job."
I rolled my eyes.
"Do you like Josie?" she asked, voice soft.
I went still.
"Jordan?"
I shrugged. "She cool."
Dr. Reynolds raised a brow. "Just cool?"
I looked at the clock again. "Time's up, doc."
"We still have fifteen minutes."
"Yeah, well, I don't."
I stood up, grabbing my bag.
Dr. Reynolds sighed but didn't stop me. "See you next week, Jordan."
I didn't answer.
---
Outside the Office – The Setup
The moment I stepped out, I saw them.
Matthew.
Josie.
Leaning against Matthew's car, waiting.
I stopped. "What the fuck?"
Josie smiled. "Hey, J."
"What y'all doin' here?"
Matthew shrugged. "Josie wanted to come."
Josie side-eyed him. "You the one who told me she hates therapy."
I shot Matthew a glare. "Nigga—"
"Chill," he said, holding his hands up. "We just thought… maybe it'd help if you ain't do it alone."
I stared at them.
Josie's face was open, hopeful.
Matthew's was steady, waiting.
I swallowed hard. "Y'all nosy as fuck."
Josie smirked. "And you love us for it."
I sucked my teeth. "Debatable."
"C'mon, J," Matthew said. "Let us sit in next time."
My chest tightened. I hated this. Hated that they cared. Hated that a small, stupid part of me wanted them to.
I sighed. "We'll see."
Josie beamed. "That's a yes."
I groaned, walking past them to the car.
This was gonna be a mess.
---
---
Chapter Ten: No Escaping This Shit
Part 2 – Too Close for Comfort
The Drive Back
The ride home was too quiet.
Matthew was driving, one hand on the wheel, the other tapping against his knee like he had something to say but was holding it in. Josie sat in the back with me, her eyes on me like she was waiting for me to crack.
I wasn't gonna crack.
"Y'all really pulled up on me like some damn stalkers," I muttered, leaning back against the seat.
Matthew smirked. "Not our fault you shady as hell about therapy."
"Cuz it's dumb," I shot back. "Ain't no point sittin' there talkin' 'bout shit that ain't gon' change."
Josie tilted her head. "You don't think therapy helps?"
I shrugged. "It don't undo shit. Don't make shit disappear. Just make you talk about it like that's gon' fix everything."
Matthew sighed. "You ever think maybe talkin' 'bout it might make it easier?"
"Easier for who?" I scoffed. "Ain't nobody tryna hear all that. Not even my own damn momma."
They went quiet.
Josie shifted beside me. "We wanna hear it, J."
I looked at her, jaw tight. "Yeah? You gon' fix it?"
Josie frowned. "That ain't what I said."
"Then what you sayin'?"
"That you don't gotta deal with it alone."*
I looked away. "Too late for that."
Matthew exhaled, gripping the wheel. "Man, you be exhausting sometimes, you know that?"
"You ain't gotta be here then," I shot back.
"You know damn well I ain't goin' nowhere."
That shut me up.
Josie nudged my arm. "Neither am I."
I swallowed hard, staring out the window.
I hated this. Hated how easy they made it sound. Like it was that simple to just… let people in.
Letting people in meant giving them the power to hurt you.
I wasn't doing that again.
Not ever.
---
Back at the House
Mom wasn't home when we got back.
Good.
I didn't need her hovering, acting like she cared when she didn't wanna hear the truth.
"You eat today?" Matthew asked as we stepped inside.
"Why? You tryna cook?" I teased.
He scoffed. "Hell nah. You tryna starve?"
"Damn, nigga, it's like that?"
Josie laughed, kicking her shoes off. "I can cook something."
I eyed her. "Since when you cook?"
"Since always."
"Bet. Show me somethin' then."
She smirked. "Watch and learn, tough girl."*
---
The Kitchen – A Little Too Domestic
Josie moved around my kitchen like she belonged there.
She had my hoodie on, sleeves pushed up, moving smooth as hell while she chopped up some onions.
"You really comfortable up in here, huh?" I muttered, leaning against the counter.
"What? You jealous?" she teased.
"Nigga, please."
"Mmhmm."
Matthew snorted from the couch. "She got you pressed, J."
"I will fight you," I called out.
"Try me, lil' ass girl."*
Josie giggled, shaking her head. "Y'all dumb."
I watched her hands as she worked, the way her fingers moved, the way her lips curled in concentration.
Damn, she was fine.
Dangerous.
"Why you starin', Jordan?" she asked without looking up.
"Ain't nobody starin'," I lied.
"Mmhmm."*
I rolled my eyes, pushing off the counter. "I'm goin' to my room. Y'all bring me a plate."
"Lazy ass," Matthew called.
"Suck my dick."
"You wish, lil' nigga."
I flipped him off and headed upstairs.
---
The Spiral – When It Gets Too Loud
I sat on my bed, staring at the ceiling.
The quiet was too loud.
Too much space for my thoughts to creep in.
My birthday.
Oscar.
Mom not believing me.
It all slammed into me at once.
I clenched my jaw, breathing heavy.
My fingers dug into my arms, nails pressing into the skin.
I could still feel him.
Still hear his voice.
The walls felt like they were closing in.
I needed it to stop.
I needed to feel something else.
I grabbed the razor from my nightstand.
Rolled up my sleeve.
Dragged it across my skin.
The sting was sharp, the blood bright.
My breath slowed.
The noise quieted.
I exhaled.
"Jordan?"
I froze.
The door cracked open.
Josie.
Her eyes dropped to my arm.
Her face changed.
Hurt.
Disbelief.
"J…"
I shoved the razor away, yanking my sleeve down. "Ain't what it look like."
"The fuck it look like then?"
I swallowed hard. "Don't start."
"You do this often?"
I looked away. "Why you in here?"
"Matthew told me to bring your plate—" She stopped, eyes flicking to my sleeve. "How long you been doin' that?"
I stayed quiet.
"Jordan—"
"Drop it, Jo."
"No."*
My jaw clenched. "Damn, why you always tryna fix shit?"
"Why you always tryna break yourself?"
That hit different.
I sucked in a breath, staring at the floor. "Just go."
"No."*
"Josie."*
"I said no, Jordan."*
Silence.
Tension.
Then—
A hand on mine.
Soft. Warm.
I flinched but didn't pull away.
Josie squeezed my fingers. "You don't gotta do that, J."*
My throat tightened. "You don't understand."
"Then make me."
I couldn't.
I wouldn't.
I pulled my hand away, turning my back to her. "Just leave, Josie."*
She was quiet for a long moment.
Then she sighed. "Okay, J."*
The door closed behind her.
I let out a shaky breath, staring at my arm.
The blood had already started drying.
But the pain inside me still burned.
Nothing ever really stopped it.
Not drugs.
Not sex.
Not even this.
I was drowning.
And I didn't know if I wanted to swim.
---
---
Chapter Ten: No Escaping This Shit
Part 3 – No Rest for Wicked
The Morning After
I didn't sleep much.
Every time I closed my eyes, I felt it.
The weight.
The hands.
The voice.
By the time the sun came up, I was still staring at the ceiling, my body stiff, my mind a mess.
I dragged myself out of bed, threw on my uniform, and didn't even bother looking in the mirror.
Josie had seen too much last night.
I hated that she saw me like that.
Weak.
I wasn't weak.
I couldn't be.
---
At School – Unfinished Business
"Yo, J, you good?" Matthew asked as we walked into the building.
"I'm straight," I muttered, shoving my hands into my pockets.
"You look tired as hell," he said.
"You look ugly as hell. What's new?"
He laughed, shaking his head. "You a menace, dawg."
I smirked, but it didn't reach my eyes.
My body was on autopilot, my mind somewhere else.
Josie hadn't said much to me all morning.
I knew she wanted to.
Knew she was waiting for me to bring it up.
I wasn't going to.
Instead, I focused on something else.
Maiesha.
I had barely looked at her since our last link-up, and I could tell she was feeling some type of way.
Good.
She wanted to act like she wasn't into me? Like she was still Kaleb's loyal girlfriend?
Bet.
She was standing by her locker when I walked past, her eyes flicking to me.
I smirked.
She frowned, biting her lip.
Guilty.
"You movin' funny, J," Matthew muttered as we headed to class.
"Mind ya business," I shot back.
He sighed. "I already know what you doin'. You gon' get caught up."
"Nah," I said. "I never get caught up."
I should've knocked on wood.
---
Lunch – Game Time
I sat at my usual spot with Matthew and Josie, picking at my food while the cafeteria buzzed around us.
Josie kept sneaking glances at me.
I ignored her.
Maiesha was sitting with Kaleb, but I could feel her watching me.
Waiting.
So I gave her something to look at.
"J, what are you—" Matthew started, but I was already up, already walking toward a random girl sitting alone.
She was cute. Not my type, but she'd do.
"Yo," I said, leaning against her table. "What's ya name?"
She blinked up at me. "Uh… Amber?"
"You single?"
Her cheeks turned pink. "I… yeah?"
"Bet." I grinned. "You tryna chill after school?"
She looked around, nervous but intrigued. "Like… a date?"
"Something like that."
I could feel the heat of Maiesha's stare from across the room.
"Um… sure?" Amber said, tucking her hair behind her ear.
"Cool. Meet me out front after last bell."
I winked and walked away.
Right past Maiesha.
Her jaw clenched.
I smirked.
Game, set, match.
---
After School – Caught Up
Amber was waiting outside like I told her.
I barely got two words out before my wrist was snatched.
"The fuck was that?" Maiesha hissed, dragging me to the side of the building.
I yanked my arm back. "What you mean?"
"Don't play dumb, Jordan. You tryna make me jealous?"
I licked my lips. "Is it working?"
She glared at me. "You a problem, you know that?"
"And you love it," I shot back, stepping closer.
Her breath hitched. "You—"
"You still gon' act like you don't want me?" I whispered.
She swallowed hard. "I got a boyfriend, Jordan."
"That ain't stop you before."*
She went quiet.
"Say the word, Maiesha," I murmured, fingers trailing up her arm. "And I'll leave you alone. You say you don't want this? I'll stop."*
She exhaled sharply. "You know I can't say that."*
I smirked. "Then stop playin'."*
She grabbed my collar and kissed me.
Hard.
Hungry.
Desperate.
I grabbed her waist, pulling her against me, backing her into the wall.
"Fuck," she whispered against my lips. "This ain't right."
"Then stop me."*
She didn't.
---
Prom, Exams, and a Whole Lotta Bullshit
The next few weeks blurred together.
Final exams were creeping up.
Prom was all anyone was talking about.
Josie was stressing over a dress.
Matthew was hyped for afterparties.
And me?
I was just trying to stay numb.
I didn't do prom. Didn't see the point.
But Matthew and Josie were on my ass about it.
"You really not going?" Josie asked one day after school.
"For what?" I muttered. "To sit around watchin' y'all dance? I'm good."*
"You could go with me," she said, almost too quiet.
I looked at her.
She looked away. "I mean… just as friends."
I scoffed. "Yeah, aight."
"I'm serious, J."*
I shook my head. "Ain't my thing."*
"Ain't nothing your thing," she muttered.
I smirked. "You my thing, though."*
Her face went red. "Shut up."*
I laughed.
But Matthew wasn't laughing.
"J, you really gon' keep playin' like this?" he asked.
"Playin' what?"
"Josie. Maiesha. Every other girl you mess with."*
"Ain't my fault they want me," I said.
"Ain't nobody sayin' that. I'm sayin' you keep runnin' from what's real."*
I frowned. "Man, whatever."*
Josie sighed. "Forget it, Matt. She ain't ready."*
That stung.
But I acted like it didn't.
---
The Breaking Point (Recap)
The night before my birthday, it hit me.
The weight.
The memories.
The pain.
I locked myself in my room.
Turned my music up.
Rolled a blunt.
Took a pill.
Cut deep.
Felt nothing.
The only thing that broke through was a knock at my door.
"J?" Josie's voice.
I didn't answer.
"J, open the door."*
Still nothing.
Then—
"Jordan."*
Matthew.
"We ain't leavin', J."*
I squeezed my eyes shut.
Why did they care so much?
Why couldn't they just let me drown?
---
---
Chapter Ten: No Escaping This Shit
Part 4 – The Hardest Thing to Say
The Aftermath
I don't know how long I sat there.
Music blasting.
Blood trickling.
Mind floating.
The knock came again.
"Jordan, please," Josie's voice.
I clenched my jaw.
"We know you in there, man," Matthew added. "Open up."*
I dragged myself to my feet, wiping my arm on my hoodie.
By the time I opened the door, Josie's eyes went straight to the fresh cuts on my arm.
Her face dropped.
"J…"
"Don't," I muttered, stepping back.
She stepped in anyway.
Matthew followed, shutting the door behind them.
"Why you doin' this to yourself?" Josie whispered.
I scoffed. "You act like you don't know me."*
"I don't," she shot back. "Not really. Not the real you."*
I licked my lips, already irritated. "Y'all done interrogating me?"
"J, we just wanna help," Matthew said.
"I don't need help," I snapped.
Josie folded her arms. "Then what do you need, Jordan? Huh? Since you got it all figured out, tell me what you need."*
I opened my mouth—then shut it.
I didn't know the answer.
She shook her head. "You been messin' around with everybody, acting like nothing matters. Like we don't matter."*
"Ain't nobody say that," I muttered.
"Then why, J?" Her voice cracked. "Why do you keep pushing me away?"
I swallowed. "I'm not—"
"Yes, you are!" she shouted. "Every time we get close, you run! You go sleep with some random girl, act like I don't exist, and then come back like nothing happened!"*
"That's not—"
"It is!" she interrupted. "And I know why, Jordan. I know you're scared."*
I flinched.
"You still not over Jasmine," she said, quieter now. "She hurt you, and you don't wanna feel that shit again."*
I clenched my fists. "Don't bring her up."*
"Why? Cuz it's true?"
My jaw tightened.
"You think if you let yourself care about me, I'ma hurt you too?"
I looked away. "Man, whatever."*
"Look at me, Jordan."*
I didn't.
"Look at me!"*
I did.
And that was my mistake.
Because Josie wasn't just mad.
She was hurt.
"You love me," she whispered. "You just too scared to say it."*
Something in me snapped.
"So what if I do?!" I yelled.
Silence.
Josie's lips parted.
Matthew blinked.
My chest was heaving.
I felt naked.
Exposed.
Weak.
Josie swallowed hard. "Then why won't you be with me?"
My breath caught.
Because it wasn't just Jasmine.
It was him.
It was her.
It was all the shit I couldn't say.
My hands started shaking. "You wouldn't understand."*
"Then make me understand, J," she begged. "I don't care how messed up you think you are—I just wanna be here. But you gotta let me."*
I closed my eyes.
I wanted to.
God, I wanted to.
But I couldn't.
Not yet.
So I did what I always did.
I ran.
---