"Impossible! They remembered it wrong!" Naruto yelled righteously. "Damn it, my name is Namikaze Naruto! Not Namikaze Onigiri!"
"Just accept it, Onigiri . Hahahaha!" Tsunade laughed, while Naruto's face twitched in irritation, his head full of black lines.
Two days later, when Naruto was discharged from the hospital, he had finally convinced Tsunade to call him Namikaze Naruto again. He was also determined to visit the village's registry office to officially change his name and erase that godforsaken "Onigiri " nonsense from existence.
On the day of his discharge, Tsunade stared at him excitedly, practically vibrating with anticipation. If she had a tail, it would be wagging.
Naruto shifted uncomfortably under her gaze, gritting his teeth. "What the hell is with that look?! What do you mean by wanting to cut a piece of my flesh?! I just healed fast! So what?!"
Tsunade, eyes sparkling with excitement, practically drooled. "Even my grandfather, Hashirama, didn't heal as fast as you! Two days ago, you were on the verge of death, and now there's not even a scar left! Tsk, tsk! Let me study you!"
Naruto shivered. "Like hell! Get out of my way, I'm going home!"
Tsunade pouted but didn't stop him. As he walked away, a thought hit him. He turned on his heel and returned.
Tsunade's eyes lit up. "Changed your mind?!"
Naruto, face dark, asked, "Where the hell is my home?"
Tsunade: "..."
With a sigh, she led him to a rundown bungalow. "Here. This is your house."
Naruto looked at the dilapidated place with deadpan eyes. "This is a joke, right? My house?"
"What do you think?" Tsunade smirked. "Get inside already. And don't be late tomorrow—you need to report to the Hokage Building!"
As she left, a middle-aged woman stepped out of the house. The moment she saw him, her eyes filled with tears. "Onigiri ! You're still alive!"
Naruto's entire body stiffened, his head buzzing with frustration. He knew the original owner of this body was really called that, but hearing it in real life was still unbearable.
"Uh..." Naruto struggled for words.
His "mother" pulled him inside, sobbing. "If I had known that mission was so dangerous, I would never have let you go to the Jōnin School!" She wiped her tears dramatically.
"Uh... right. About that..." Naruto cleared his throat. "My name is Naruto now. Namikaze Naruto."
"Of course, Onigiri . I understand." His "mother" nodded kindly.
Naruto: "..."
The next day, Naruto left his "family" behind and rushed to the Hokage Building, eager to escape the madness. The moment he saw the Third Hokage, he finally felt like he was back in the real world, not stuck in some twisted, iron-egg-themed nightmare.
"Onig—cough, I mean, Naruto." Hiruzen coughed, barely avoiding another near-death experience from Naruto's murderous glare. "Your captain, Umegawa Kuko, along with your teammates, Umegawa Uchiku and Matsushita, have all died honorably during the mission. Given that the Chūnin Exams are coming up, you will temporarily be assigned to a new team. After the exams, we will restructure accordingly. Do you have any objections?"
"No problem." Naruto nodded.
"Good." Hiruzen turned to the side and called out, "Tsunade, Orochimaru, Jiraiya, come in. Until the Chūnin Exams, you three will be working with Naruto."
"What?!" Naruto blinked.
"Given Naruto's mission record, he's already at the level required for Chūnin promotion. Originally, I planned for him to take the exam, but with his team gone... well, this arrangement makes the most sense." Hiruzen sighed before continuing. "Now, take him to the training grounds and get familiar with each other. See if it helps him regain some memories."
"Understood!" The three responded in unison.
They soon arrived at the training grounds, where Jiraiya immediately puffed out his chest. "Listen up, Naruto! Don't be fooled just because the old man thinks you're Chūnin material! The three of us are students of the Third Hokage himself! Especially me, Jiraiya! I'm a certified genius! Let me, your senpai, show you the standard!"
Naruto smiled politely. "Alright, senior."
Jiraiya got into a battle stance and formed a seal. "Ninja Art: Shuriken Jutsu!"
Naruto's eyebrow twitched. That's just throwing shuriken, dumbass.
Jiraiya threw multiple shuriken at him, only for Naruto to easily deflect them with kunai. Jiraiya then charged forward, forming another seal. "Shadow Clone Jutsu!"
A perfect copy of Jiraiya appeared. "Hah! Look at this! I just graduated, and I can already use a B-rank Jutsu! Be amazed!" Both Jiraiyas lunged at Naruto.
Naruto casually kicked the clone, dispelling it instantly. Then, using the Body Flicker Technique, he vanished and reappeared behind Jiraiya's real body.
"What?!" Tsunade and Orochimaru, who had been watching, were stunned. That speed is insane! No wonder the old man said he had a solid record!
Naruto grinned and quickly formed a seal.
"Oh shit! That's a Tiger Seal!" Tsunade and Orochimaru panicked.
Jiraiya braced himself. "Wait! Is that Fire Release?! Hold on—"
But Naruto's hands shot forward.
"Taijutsu Art! Thousand Years of Death!"
POKE! Naruto's fingers jabbed deep into Jiraiya's ass, sending him flying like a rocket.
Jiraiya hit the ground, twitching. "W-what the hell was that?!"
Tsunade and Orochimaru stood in silence, faces dark. "...Fucking idiot."
Jiraiya rolled on the ground, clutching his poor violated backside.
Tsunade cracked her knuckles. "Alright, my turn!"
Naruto shook his head, smirking.
"What? Scared?" Tsunade taunted.
Naruto wagged a finger at her. "Nah. You both come at me together."
"What?!" Tsunade fumed. "That's it! Orochimaru, let's go!"
Orochimaru took out a shuriken and quickly formed hand seals. "Shuriken Shadow Clone Jutsu!"
A single shuriken multiplied into dozens, all flying at Naruto.
"Shit! You're gonna kill him!" Jiraiya yelled.
"Shut up, idiot!" Orochimaru snapped.
Naruto substituted himself with a log just in time. Tsunade spotted him reappearing and charged, throwing a massive punch—only for it to go through him, hitting the ground with an earth-shattering impact.
"Tch. That would've killed me." Naruto smirked from behind a tree.
"You think?!" Jiraiya screamed.
After some more dodging, the Third Hokage appeared, clapping. "Impressive. You've truly mastered the Three Basic Jutsu to perfection."
Sannin: "...We embarrassed ourselves."
"Nonsense. Learn from Naruto. He has a stronger foundation than you three." Hiruzen encouraged. Then he turned to Naruto. "Now, let's spar. Show me your true strength."
Naruto grinned and formed a hand seal.
"No seal?" Orochimaru muttered nervously.
"Ninjutsu Art! Ultimate Secret Technique!"
Everyone gulped.
"Sexy Jutsu!"
A naked, voluptuous blonde bombshell Naruto blew a kiss.
Hiruzen and Jiraiya instantly spurted nosebleeds and collapsed.
Tsunade's face turned crimson, and even Orochimaru looked disturbed and has a blush on his face.
Naruto bowed. "Thank you for your guidance."
Tsunade cracked her knuckles.
"Like hell we're done! Get back here, you little shit!"
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