chapter 9-sorrow

That was officially our breaking point, whatever we had experienced before was nothing compared to what had happened and what was still to come.we could never recover from the trauma we were going through,we could never be the same.Its broke us,it's hurt us so much that we could dare to look at each other, everyone was hiding their fear beneath their eyes.

My mom was in the emergency room,dolly dead ,it's was now just me and my two sisters.we couldn't talk to eachother,what could we have said,how?I was panicking,so hard that I was sweating.I could feel that I was about to have a seizure but I never did.At that moment the walls seemed to be unsteady,it's was as if I would collapse.i was dizzy and had a huge headache.

I wanted to cry but I couldn't,I wanted to laugh at myself I failed.what had happened was more than my strength,I felt weak on my legs,I was shaking.steve had not just only broke my hurt,Steve had shown me how cruel the world really is,He proved to me that I was just a minor who was definitely not ready for the big world.The emotions I felt were a declaration that I was not destined for such and neither was my sister or mother.

I sat there,at the hospital chairs trying so hard to process everything but my mind kept on giving me flashes of my dead sister.I felt responsible for her death,I felt so guilty,so stupid.I was a big disappointment yet again and that hit me very hard.I was the one who gave Steve access in to our lives,I gave Steve access in to our home and I even gave him access in to our bodies.

I was requested to go speak to a therapist and that's when I realised that Steve had been raping me all along.Its started making sense to me,Steve never said he loved me no Matter how much I would tell him.steve did not want me to mention or be near his wife,he would beat me if I said anything about his wife.we would normally meet and he would be kind and sweet until we got intimate and he would then change and start being moody and rude.He would then insists that he was rushing somewhere.

Me discovering what I had just discovered made me feel more stupid than I was already feeling.All along Steve was manipulating me,he knew exactly what he was doing the whole time.i cried so hard,I cried over and over again and again.i just could not stop.what made it worse was my sister who had died.

I wanted to burry myself,I wanted to disappear and never come back.I was not worth anything.'Even prayer can't fix me,even Gooooooood!can't help.i have failed everyone,I'm so stupid,I'm trash,I'm a loser'i screamed in devastation.

I could feel myself losing it,I could sense my brain collapsing.one of the doctors noticed and they gave me Injection which calmed me down and made me sleepy but still I was crying,drop by drop it's hurried down my face straight down my chest.

I was hurt,I was betrayed but it's was nothing compared to the pain my mom felt,it was nothing compared to the sacrifices she had been making for us How much she had been trying to protect us and all just to go down the drain.its can never change,it's could never be unseen.

The devil had finally won.we did not know what to do ,or where to start.if it wasn't for the help from the hospital we would have never came back to our senses.The therapist helped in calming us down without relieving what had happened.They gave us medication that helped also,it's also made us a bit sleepy for awhile.

That night we had to leave mother at the hospital since she was more worse than I was.Her blood pressure was very high,they said she was in high risk of getting strock.she couldn't talk or eat ,she was crying intensively.

The police took my statement and promised to take care of the case,they promised that Steve would be arrested,that we will get our justice.I was ashamed of myself because all along I did not know what was really happening.All along I was not matured enough,I was just a baby and I was easily deceived.

Me and my siblings went back home and we decided to sleep on the same room but we never slept the whole night.each one of us was crying silently,I knew they wanted to ask me questions but the situation devastated them and I was also very much ashamed of myself hence we just cried the whole night without saying anything to each other.

What could we have said and where would we start.The situation was nothing compared to our usual arguments,we would all not be able to blame each other,or pretend.The was no way we could add some spices to the information just like we would normally do to gossip.Truth is we did not even want to hear anything else, because the more there was new information the more hurt we were.

I was constantly thinking about Steve,if this was his first time doing such or not.The way he acted ,he was too comfortable and had a sweet tough,there was no way .you would disagree with him.i asked myself if my father knew of his behaviour since they were close.I hated it,I hated the thought,I hated the fact that he was my father's friend.The was no way he could have anything common to Steve.