Chapter 11: "How I Accidentally Became a Legend... Because I Couldn't Find the Toilet, or Why Ancient Temples Don't Put Up Signs"

Prologue: A Morning That Started with a Stone and Ended with a Cursed Portal

A boulder thrown by Grognard crashed through the window, ricocheted off a gilded vase, and landed right in my chamber pot. The morning coffee in my stomach rebelled.

"YOUR MAJESTY!" Grognard burst into the bedroom, waving a map of the sewers. "WHERE WERE YOU RUMMING YESTERDAY? THE WHOLE PALACE SMELLS..."

"Don't ask," I clutched my stomach. "Where's the toilet?!"

"You're the king! You should know!"

**[Quest: "Find the royal throne... literally"

Difficulty: Hellish

Reward: Relief. Or shame.]**

Part 1: The Labyrinth of Shame, or How I Got Lost in My Own Palace

The palace, it turns out, was designed by a sadist. Each corridor was a mirror image of the previous one, and the signs read:

- **"Restroom"** → Council Chamber.

- **"Council Chamber"** → Kitchen.

- **"Do Not Enter!"** → Dragon Queen's Bedroom.

"Zalira, have you seen the toilet?" I looked into her chambers, where she was frying fish on her breath.

"Are you serious?" she raised an eyebrow, scorching the tablecloth. "Look for it yourself. You are the *king*.

**[Debuff: "Pressure Below" - Movement Speed ​​+50%, Dignity -100%.]**

After half an hour of wandering, I came across a door with the inscription: **"Treasury"**.

"Well, at least I'll fill my pockets with gold while I search..."

There was no gold inside. Only piles of old scrolls, a spider the size of a horse, and...

"Hey, newbie!" the voice from the corner belonged to a skeleton in a crown. "Looking for a restroom too?"

**[Ghost of King Alfred III (Talkativeness Level: 100)]**

"You... who?"

"Alfred III! Cursed to forever search for a restroom after eating bad pate. See the sign?" He pointed to the wall where it was written in blood: **"Alfred was here. Searching. Didn't find."**

"Can you help?"

— No. But I can tell you how my horse died!

**[Skill "Escape from chatterboxes" activated!]**

---

### Part 2: The Cursed Door, or How Portals Love the Unlucky

After escaping from the ghost, I found a door with a sign **"Secret. Toilet inside"**.

— Finally! — I yanked the handle.

The door did not lead to the restroom. A portal gaped in front of me, emitting the smell of... incense and mold.

— Hey, this is not...

**WHAM!**

I landed face down on the stone floor of an ancient temple. On the wall was an inscription:

**"Welcome, seeker. Death awaits you... or glory. Or a toilet, heh-heh"**

**[New quest: "Survive and not shit yourself"

Objective:

- Find an exit

- Don't fall victim to ancient jokes

Reward:

- Title "Hero-cleaner"

- Eternal riddle: "Where is the toilet?!"]**

Part 3: The Temple of a Thousand Traps, or Why the Ancients Loved to Joke

The temple was full of "surprises":

- **Corridor with weight sensors**: The floor would collapse if you thought about pie.

- **Winking statues**: If you wink back, they spit arrows.

- **Inscription "Toilet →"**: Leads to a room with a giant slug.

- Of course, - I hid behind a column from the flying arrows. - There is no normal toilet even here!

**[Advice from the system: "Try using a potty as a weapon!"]**

Suddenly the walls shook. A golem, assembled from stones and sarcasm, crawled out of the darkness.

**[Boss: Ancient Guardian (Level 100)

Abilities:

- "Stone Sarcasm" (your attacks are reflected with mockery)

- "Bench of Shame" (shames the victim to listen to his jokes for a century)

Weakness: Tickling (but who would dare?)]**

- Hey, kid, - the golem creaked like an unoiled door. - Stuck without a toilet too?

**[Dialogue choice:

1. Fight back (chance: 1%)

2. Ask for help (chance: 0.5%)

3. Pretend to look for a toilet (chance: 99% shame)]**

- Uh... you don't know where here...

- Aha! - the golem burst out laughing, shaking the vaults. - The fifth one today! Look!

He pointed his finger at the wall, where it was scrawled in chalk: **"Toilet over there ↑**". The wall collapsed, opening the way to the altar with a giant ruby ​​button **"Flush"**.

"Thank you?" I pressed the button.

**CROOOO-KHLOOM!**

The trap was activated. The floor gave way from under my feet, sending me into free fall.

**[Achievement: "Flying in the Name of Need"

Reward: Bruises +10, Fall Experience +20.]**

---

### Part 4: Altar of Absurdity, or How to Wash Away Your Problems

I landed in an underground cave, where in the center was... a golden toilet.

"It can't be," I approached, hearing my stomach rumble. "Is this a trap?"

**Writing on the toilet:**

**"Whoever sits on the throne of the gods will find glory... or hemorrhoids"**

**[Choice:

1. Take a risk (80% of the consequences)

2. Endure (chance: 0%)

3. Use the hat (???) ]**

I sat down.

**CLICK.**

The toilet exploded with confetti, and a scroll fell from the ceiling:

**"Congratulations! You have activated the ancient artifact "Flush Evil". All monsters have been destroyed!"**

"What?!" I looked around. The golem crumbled, the temple sparkled, and a celebratory hymn began to play in the distance.

**[Victory!

Title: "Plumber of the Gods"

Effect: +100% luck in toilets, -50% dignity.]**

Part 5: Return of the Hero... Who Just Wanted to Pee

The portal took me back to the throne room, where a crowd had gathered.

"HE SAVED THE TEMPLE!" Grognard shouted, waving my underwear. "HE DESTROYED THE GOLEM!"

"But I just..."

"LISTEN EVERYONE!" the priest jumped up on the table. "HE FOUND THE GOLDEN TOILET OF THE GODS!"

"It was just an ordinary..."

"A SIGN FROM ABOVE!" the crowd fell to their knees. "HE IS THE CHOSEN ONE!"

Zalira, sitting on the throne, clapped slowly:

"Darling, you even go to the toilet heroically."

**[System: Congratulations! You have become a legend.

Reward:

— Skill "Random Greatness"

— Curse "Eternal Search"

— New quest: "Find a toilet in another dimension."]**

---

### Epilogue: A Hero in Need

Later, sitting on the golden toilet (it was dragged into the throne room as a relic), I thought:

— Maybe I really am the chosen one?

— No, — Zalira toasted a marshmallow on a torch. — You're just a lucky idiot.

— Thanks, dear.

— You're welcome.

**[System: Attention! A new temple has been discovered... with a sign that says "Toilet Occupied."]**

---

**Survivor's Glossary:**

1. **Rule #1:** If you see a sign that says "Toilet," run. It's a trap.

2. **Advice from Alfred III:** Better to endure than to search. But not for long.

3. **Golem's Truth:** Plumbing is the highest art of the ancients.

4. **Grognar's Philosophy:** All great deeds begin with... need.