Chapter 10: "How I Accidentally Became the Ruler of an Entire Army... Just by Asking for Help, or Why Stumbling Is the Best Military Tactic"

Prologue: A Morning That Started with a Rock and Ended with a Catapult

A boulder thrown by Grognard flew through the window, ricocheted off the lid of a chest, and landed right in my morning coffee. The drink exploded in a spray, painting the wall in a dark abstraction.

"YOUR MAJESTY!" Grognard burst into the bedroom, waving a map with the words "Armageddon in three hours. Free cupcakes at the entrance."" - WAKE UP! WE ARE UNDER ATTACK!

I wiped coffee splashes and crumbs of yesterday's pie from my face:

"Who? Those nobles with pitchforks again?"

"Worse!" Grognard threw a scroll at me. "The Kingdom of Fallarin!" Ten thousand soldiers, five hundred catapults and... - he hesitated, - ...an orchestra.

- An orchestra?

- Yes. With a killer accordionist.

**[Updated quest: "Save the kingdom from a musical apocalypse"

Reward:

- Title "Conductor of Chaos"

- Skill "Escape to the march"

- Eternal hatred of musicians]**

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### Part 1: Gathering for war, or Where to find an army in three clicks

The throne room resembled an anthill after an earthquake. Advisors rushed about, shouting about taxes (which were nonexistent) and calling for prayers (to anything, just not them).

- An army, you say? - I turned the royal seal in my hands. - What if we... uh... recruit volunteers?

— Volunteers? — Grognard snorted. — You want to fight the legion with a bunch of drunk adventurers?

— Do we have a choice?

We went to the Drunken Dwarf tavern, where all the "willing" people had gathered:

1. **Alfred the Bard** — sang ballads so badly that even flies dropped dead.

2. **Allergic Knight** — sneezed at the sight of metal.

3. **Unlucky Witch** — her potions turned into lemonade.

4. **Goblin Family** — came for free cupcakes.

— Listen up everyone! — I climbed onto the table, almost knocking over the keg of ale. — Who is ready to defend the kingdom for... uh... fame and fortune?

Silence. Then the little goblin poked his finger at my crown:

— Will you give me gold?

— Gold? Of course! — I lied, not knowing where to get it. — Mountains of gold!

**[Skill "White Lie" increased!

Crowd of adventurers +10.

Debt to the treasury: 50,000 gold.]**

Part 2: Training, or How I Learned to Fear My Own Army

Our "camp" was located in a meadow where sheep usually grazed. Now they were replaced by:

- **"Cavalry"** - three goats with knives tied to their horns.

- **"Artillery"** - a catapult made from a wheelbarrow and an elastic band from underwear.

- **"Elite Squad"** - goblins building a fortress out of pies.

"The plan is simple," I pointed to a crooked diagram drawn with wine on the tablecloth. "We... uh... pretend that there are many of us!"

"And if it doesn't work?" asked the allergic knight, sneezing on his sword.

"Then we run." **[Strategic Retreat skill unlocked!]**

Training was going "wonderfully":

- Bard Alfred tried to raise morale with the song "Farewell, My Liver" - the soldiers surrendered en masse.

- The witch made it rain lemonade - the goats became sticky and angry.

- The goblins ate the "fortress" to the ground.

- Great! - I fell face down in the grass. - We are doomed.

**[System: Don't despair! Your absurdity level has reached 99%.]**

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### Part 3: The Dragon Wife and Her Motivation Methods

Zalira visited the camp, almost burning down the tent with her laughter:

- Is this your army? It looks... edible.

- Don't laugh! - I pointed at the catapult. - This is a brilliant weapon!

— Brilliant? — She blew on the rubber band, and it burst. — Let me help.

An hour later, the dragoness turned our camp into a fortress:

- **Lava ditch** (thanks to her spit).

- **Walls of burnt stone** (she "playfully" melted the rock).

- **Battle crystals** (a gift from her volcanologist uncle).

— Happy? — Zalira hugged me, singeing her sleeve.

— Of course! Now we... uh... at least won't get trampled in the first minute.

— Darling, — she clicked her claws at my nose, — if you lose, I'll eat you last.

**[Buff: "Motivated by fear" — construction speed +300%.]**

Part 4: The Death Orchestra Invasion

The enemies appeared at dawn to the sounds of a funeral march. Their orchestra consisted of:

- **Killer Accordionist** - his music made your ears bleed.

- **Hammer Drummer** - rhythmically crushed his own soldiers.

- **Hypnotist Flutist** - made the enemies dance until they were exhausted.

- YOUR MAJESTY! - Grognard pointed to the hill where the catapults were lined up. - THEY WILL DROP STONES ON US!

- Stones? - I chuckled. - I'm on first-name terms with stones.

**[Memory: "Miner's Past" - chance to find a weakness in stonework +20%]**

The first catapult fired... and got stuck in our lava ditch.

- Excellent! - I shouted. - They themselves are good...

I didn't finish. The second catapult threw the cow.

- THIS IS AN ANIMAL! - the allergic knight was indignant, sneezing on his shield.

- It doesn't matter! - I grabbed the crossbow. - Shoot the catapults!

**[Battle quest: "Cow vs. Kingdom"

Advice: Don't get under the hooves.]**

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### Part 5: The battle where everyone stumbled... except for victory

When the enemies went on the attack, our "army" showed itself:

- **Bard Alfred** sang so out of tune that the enemy archers started shooting themselves in the legs.

- **Witch** poured out a potion that turned the vanguard into frogs.

- **The goblins** threw surprise pies at the enemy (there was pepper inside).

But the main weapon was... tripping.

- FORWARD! - I swung my sword, tripped over a root and fell, hitting the catapult.

**[The skill "Chain Absurdity" worked!]**

The rubber band from the catapult burst, launching a goblin-with-pepper straight into the enemy camp. He sneezed, a cloud of pepper covered the orchestra, the musicians began to sneeze, disrupting the rhythm.

- CHEESE-MARCH! - the accordionist yelled, but he was interrupted by a mega-sneeze from the flutist.

The enemy army, disoriented, began to retreat, crushing their own drummers.

**[Victory!

Achievement: "Sneeze Winner"

Reward:

- Title "Master of Accidents"

- Handkerchief +1]**

Part 6: The Feast of the Victors, or How I Got Into Everyone's Debt

The party was a great success:

- **The Goblins** had a pillow fight with pepper.

- **The Bard Alfred** sang a victory hymn that made even the stones cry.

- **Zalira** grilled shashlik on her breath, scaring the guests along the way.

"You did it," Grognard handed me a goblet of wine. "Although as always... strange."

"Thank you. I think I..."

I was interrupted by a goblin kid:

"WHERE IS THE GOLD?"

The crowd fell silent.

"Gold? Uh..." I remembered about the debt. "It's... on the way!

**["Evasion" skill increased!

Army Trust: -50%

Mutiny Chance: +70%]**

Zalira came to the rescue, throwing a bag of dragon gems on the table:

- Here's your payment. Now get out.

The army fled, and I was left indebted to the dragoness... with an eternal marriage.

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### Epilogue: A Failed Commander... or a Genius?

Later, sitting on the burnt throne, I thought:

- Maybe I'm a brilliant strategist after all?

- No, - Zalira bit my ear. - You're just a lucky idiot.

- Thank you, dear.

- You're welcome.

**[System: Congratulations! You've completed the "Cupcake War".

New Quest: "Bankruptcy and Family Life"

Objective:

— Pay off debts

— Don't become a dragon's lunch

Reward:

— Eternal peace... or eternal shame.]**

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**Glossary of Military Wisdom (side notes):**

1. **Rule #1:** The best defense is a good absurdity.

2. **Advice from Grognard:** If the enemy is stronger, fall gracefully.

3. **Truth from Zalira:** Victory smells like fried food. Or you.

4. **Goblin Philosophy:** War is pies. Period.