Chapter 9: "How I accidentally became involved in a dragon family squabble, or Why it's better not to anger your father-in-law... especially if he's the size of a castle"
Prologue: A Morning That Began With Stone and Ended With Fire
A boulder flew through the window, ricocheted off the gilded toilet, and landed in my bowl of oatmeal. Grognard, my trusted advisor on morning torture, stood in the doorway with the expression of a man who knows that today everything will go wrong.
"YOUR MAJESTY!" he barked, waving a scroll lit at one end. "DINTER WITH ZALIR'S FAMILY TODAY! PREPARE… TO DIE!"
I spat out the stone and looked at the calendar drawn in charcoal on the wall. Today was circled in red and labeled: *"Family Hell. No Bananas."
"Why no bananas?" — I asked, struggling to peel the crown off the candied porridge.
— So you don't slip when you run, — Grognard grinned.
**[System: Discovered the quest "Survive the Family Dinner"
Difficulty: Apocalyptic
Reward:
— Title "Son-in-law of the Year"
— Skill "Escape from Dragons"
— Chance to receive an inheritance (0.01%)]
Part 1: Preparing for a Hellish Dinner, or How the Crown Teaches Etiquette
The dressing room resembled a battlefield:
- **Costume #1:** Salamander leather cloak (smoking).
- **Costume #2:** Dragon-embroidered robe (screamed when touched).
- **Costume #3:** Fireproof panties (the only reasonable one).
"Choose quickly!" Zalira, already in the form of a half-human, half-dragon, fried an egg in her palm. "Daddy hates being late."
"What if I wear... uh... this?" I reached for the shirt with the inscription "Best Son-in-Law 2023".
"Daddy will eat you. Literally.
**[Advice from Zalira: "Wear black. It shows less ash."]**
The crown, as always, decided to participate. It slid down onto the nose and spoke in a nasty, squeaky voice:
**"Rules of etiquette with dragons:
1. Don't look them in the eye.
2. Don't take the last piece of meat.
3. If they ask about the children, convulse."]**
"Can you keep quiet?" I threw the crown into the corner.
**"No. I'm your conscience!"**
Part 2: Family Reunion, or Hello, I'm Your Nightmare
Zalira's family arrived in style:
- **Father, Dracorn:** A black dragon with the voice of an earthquake. His human form resembled a mountain of muscles in a three-piece suit.
- **Mother, Sarinthia:** A golden dragon whose smile made chandeliers melt. In a Versace dress and with a handbag made of hero skin.
- **Brother, Fearon:** A teenage dragon in a leather jacket and a mohawk made of flames. His smartphone was buzzing with notifications: "Burn down the school - 1000 likes!"
"Well, son-in-law," Dracorn slapped me on the shoulder, causing me to crash into the wall. "Tell me, how dare you breathe near my daughter?"
"Uh... Careful?" — I blurted out, pulling myself out of the cast.
Sarinthia clicked her long blade-like nails appraisingly:
— Darling, you're so... compact. Handy if I have to hide in a chest.
Firon snorted, shaking the ashes off his lighter:
— You can't even fly? Lo-o-oh!
**[Listen and Smile skill increased!
Current level: "Master of Morons."]**
Part 3: A Dinner That Could Be the Last
The table was laden with food:
- Roasted unicorn with "Hell's Puree" sauce.
- Caesar salad (with real Caesars baked in lava).
- Phoenix Soufflé dessert (respawned every 5 minutes).
"Eat, son-in-law," Sarinthia put a piece of meat on my plate, which hissed and tried to escape.
"Thank you, I'm... a vegan?" I lied, pushing the plate away.
Dracorn crunched a unicorn bone:
"In our time, sons-in-law gave me the skins of their enemies! And you..." he poked my crown with his fork, "can't even grow a beard!"
"I have a pickaxe!" I tried to retort.
"Oh, he's cute!" — Sarinthia laughed, and the vase next to her evaporated.
Firon banged his fork on the table:
— Mom, he can't even breathe fire! When are you going to kick this loser out?
Zalira playfully clicked her teeth next to my ear:
— Don't worry, I'll teach him... about nights.
**[Debuff: "Redness to the heels"
Effect: You look like a boiled lobster. +50% to embarrassment.]**
Part 4: A Duel for Honor... and Survival
Firon stood up, knocking over a chair that immediately burst into flames:
"Dad, he's disgracing our family! I demand a duel!"
"Duels!" Dracorn chimed in, blowing out a smoke ring. "On the bones!"
"Maybe checkers?" I suggested weakly.
"CHECKERS?!" Firon roared so loudly that the glass cracked. "We'll fight! Like real dragons!"
**[Quest: "Don't Become a Shish Kebab"
Objective: Defeat Firon without losing a limb
Advice: Run. Now.]**
The arena was a courtyard strewn with the bones of previous sons-in-law. Firon had assumed the form of a dragon, his wingspan the size of a football field. I clutched a pickaxe and a prayer in my pocket.
— Get started, worm! — he growled, burning the words "R.I.P." into the ground.
**Round 1:**
Firon breathed out flames. I jumped into a puddle.
**[Successful dodge! The "Wet Chicken" achievement was earned.]**
**Round 2:**
He lashed out with his tail. I tripped over a rock and accidentally poked him in the paw with my pickaxe.
**[Critical hit! Firon lost 1 HP (out of 10,000).]**
— You... YOU'RE NOT EVEN TRYING! — Firon got mad.
— This is my secret technique! — I lied, falling into a bush.
**Round 3:**
Firon soared into the sky, preparing to crush me at his peak. In a panic, I threw... a pie at him.
**[Used item: "Reconciliation Pie" (Effect: +100 Distraction, -100 Dignity).]**
The pie slapped Firon's face. He sneezed flames and crashed into the bell tower.
**[Victory!
Achievement: "Winner by Absurdity"
Title: "Pie Champion"
Reward: Firon's Respect (-99%).]**
Part 5: Trials for a Son-in-Law, or How I Danced on a Volcano
"Not bad… for a bag of bones," Dracorn crossed his arms. "But you're still not worthy of our blood. Pass the Trials of the Ancestors!"
"Trials?" I tried to run away, but Sarinthia blocked the door with her tail.
**Trial 1: Dance on Hot Coals**
To the tune of "Balance Rock" by Firon (he was hitting the anvil with a hammer), I danced like a scalded cat.
**["Fire Boogie-Woogie" skill acquired!
Effect: +20% burn resistance, -30% grace.]**
**Trial 2: Kidnapping a princess… from her own family**
"I'm a princess myself!" — Zalira laughed as I tried to "steal" her from under Dracorn's nose.
**[Achievement: "The Most Useless Kidnapper"
Reward: Sarinthia's Approving Glance.]**
**Challenge 3: Answer to the Dragon's Riddle**
"What can you break without even touching it?" Dracorn roared.
"Your patience!" I blurted out.
Silence. Then Dracorn burst out laughing:
"Ha! You little bastard! You're funny!"
**[Fear of father-in-law decreased by 5%!]**
Part 6: Family Portrait… with Smoke and Ashes
At the end, I was forced to pose for a family portrait.
"Smile, darling!" Sarinthia hugged me, scorching my hair.
"Mow the cheese!" Firon flashed the light into my eyes.
"Don't breathe on the camera!" Dracorn adjusted his bow tie, which was as big as my head.
The photographer, a trembling elf, clicked the shutter just as I sneezed from the smoke.
**[Artifact received: "Family Photo"
Effect: Enemies lose their will to live when they look at it.]**
---
### Epilogue: Son-in-law of the century... or at least of the day
After seeing my relatives off, I collapsed on the throne, smelling of burnt hair. Zalira brought a bucket of water (for extinguishing).
"You passed the tests," she smiled, showing her fangs. "Now you're family."
"Hurray," I reached for the surviving pie. "What next?"
Grognar, looking out from behind the door, said:
"They say the mother-in-law wants grandchildren. Dragonets. Good luck!"
**[System: New quest "Fatherhood of the Apocalypse"
Objective:
- Hatch an egg in magma
- Don't become an omelet
Reward:
- Title "Hottest Dad"
- Lifetime subscription to antacids.]**
Glossary of the Surviving Son-in-Law:**
1. **Rule #1:** If your father-in-law breathes fire, breathe deeply. You'll burn faster that way.
2. **Advice from Fearon:** Want respect? Burn something big. Like yourself.
3. **Secret of Sarinthia:** The best way to calm a dragon is cake. Or a nuclear warhead.
4. **Truth from Grognard:** If you survived, you're a son-in-law. If you didn't survive, that's a joke for future sons-in-law.