Chapter 8: "How I Accidentally Married a Dragon... While Signing a Paper, or Why Marriage Is Like a Mine, Only with Fire"

Prologue: A Morning That Began with a Stone and Ended with Claws in the Heart

Royal routine is when you are woken up not by roosters, but by boulders. Grognard, my personal sadistic alarm clock, outdid himself today: a stone flew in the window, ricocheted off a gilded vase and hit me on the forehead with the inscription *"Wedding gift from the guild"*.

- YOUR MAJESTY, WAKE UP! YOUR WEDDING IS AT NOON!

I buried my face in the pillow, trying to remember what I had done the day before. My memory flashed to me:

- 37 signed decrees (including "Mandatory tree hugging on Wednesdays");

- An argument with the treasurer about the air tax;

- A mysterious document with a seal in the form of a dragon's paw...

- A WEDDING? — I jumped up, brushing yesterday's pie crumbs off my face. — WITH WHO?!

Grognar grinned, taking a burnt scroll out of his pocket:

— With Lady Zalira Flamesvorn. Dragoness. Fire-breathing. Likes to roast ambassadors. Congratulations.

**[Discovered quest: "Marriage by Mistake"

Objective:

— Survive your own wedding

— Don't become shashlik

Reward:

— Title "Survivor Husband"

— Eternal Irony of Fate]**

Part 1: Paper Hell, or How I Sold Myself for a Cookie

The throne room was littered with scrolls like a mine with stones. Advisors, resembling a pack of hungry griffins, shoved document number 666 under my nose:

"Your Majesty, this is a marriage contract with the Flamesvorn clan!" the Minister of Justice, whose beard smelled of sulfur, squealed. "You signed it yesterday, in exchange for… uh… a free supply of dragon fire for the furnaces!"

"WHAT?!" I snatched the scroll. My crooked signature was in the corner, and next to it was a claw mark the size of my head. "This is blackmail! Where is the clause on termination?"

"Clause 14.7: 'Termination is possible only through the death of one of the parties. Preferably, yours."

**[Legal Blindness skill upgraded to Master!]**

"Your Majesty," Grognard hissed, "you wanted to save on heating. Now warm up."

A fireball flew through the window and turned my beloved throne into coals. A figure appeared in the smoke: two meters tall, scaly wings, eyes like molten gold.

"Hello, hubby," Lady Zalira clicked her claws, roasting the air. "You're… cute. On coal."

**[Spouse stats:

— Level: 99

— Skill: "Burn everything, even a hint of criticism"

— Weakness: Funny people (that's you)]**

Part 2: A Wedding Where Not Only Hearts Burned

The ceremony took place at the Square of Eternal Embers. The people rejoiced, throwing not rice but burning embers into the air. The orchestra played on red-hot pipes, and instead of a priest there was an ancient dragon shaman blowing smoke rings.

"Are you exchanging… uh… burning embers?" I asked, reaching for the iron box.

"No," Zalira bit the corner of her handkerchief (it started smoking). "We're going to fight."

"FOR WHAT?!"

"For the right to be the head of the family."

**[Battle quest: "Fight with the Spouse"

Advice: Don't use arguments. Use the waterfall.]**

Of course, I lost. In 0.5 seconds. Zalira pinned me to the ground with her paw, playfully growling:

— You're cute when you're helpless.

The people screamed: "GORYYYYCH!", and the shaman proclaimed:

— From now on, you are... coal and flame! Until death do you part! Or her paws!

**[Title received: "Henpecked Husband"

Effect: +100% to survival, -200% to dignity.]**

Part 3: Family Life with a Dragon Spark

Our honeymoon took place in a bedroom... or rather, in a cave with pools of lava. It turned out that Zalira loved three things:

1. Sleeping on a pile of gold (my new mattress).

2. Roasting marshmallows with her breath.

3. Calling me "Plush King".

"Honey," she poked me with her tail, "why are you shivering?"

"Uh... Cold?" I tried to cover myself with a blanket (it caught fire).

"Cold?" Zalira snorted, roasting the air to +50°C. "I'll warm you up now!"

**[Debuff: "Slight Burn"

Effect: Hair smells like a fire. Eyebrows... what eyebrows?]**

In the evening, Grognard dropped by with a bottle of "Dragon's Tear":

- How's the marriage going?

- She... calls my crown a "picnic hat."

- And you call hers?

- A deity. Silently.

**[Advice from Grognard: "Buy fireproof panties. Or resign yourself to the fate of the Torch."]**

Part 4: Receiving Relatives, or How I Became a Snack for Tea

A week later, Zalira's relatives arrived:

- **Uncle Vulcanus** — a dragon volcanologist. Considers people "cute little cockroaches."

- **Aunt Smokovna** — loves philosophy and roasting philosophers.

- **Cousin Sparkle** — a teenage dragon obsessed with "fire challenges" on social networks.

"Pff," snorted Vulcanus, looking at me like a piece of meat. "And THIS is your husband? I'll hide him behind my cheek!"

"Uncle," Zalira released her claws, "if you touch him, I'll burn your collection of volcanic pebbles.

**[Dialogue with relatives: Success!

Received:

- Dragon Respect (+1%)

- Recipe "Grilled Man" (do not open)]**

Sparkle, meanwhile, filmed me for his "dragon talk":

- Yo, man! Top video: "BURNING MY AUNT'S HUSBAND!" Like before you burn!

**[Skill "Fire Influencer" increased!

Followers: 2 (Sparkle and your crown).]**

Part 5: Marital Quarrel, or Why You Can't Call a Dragon "Cutie"

"Honey," I ventured over dinner, "maybe we should go to a movie?"

"A movie?" Zalira grilled her steak until it was charcoal. "Where people run and scream?"

"Well... sometimes."

"It's boring. Let's fly and burn down our neighbors' castle instead!

"But they haven't done anything to us..."

"They're breathing too loudly."

**[Marital Dispute:

"Option 1: Agree (+1 to Love, -1 to Morality)

"Option 2: Refuse (+1 to Principles, -100 HP)]**

I chose option 1.5:

"Maybe... let's burn down half the castle? For starters.

Zalira laughed, hugging me so hard my ribs cracked:

"You're learning, plush kinglet!"

**[Achievement: "Diplomacy through Arson"

Reward: Allies of Ashes.]**

Part 6: Marriage Bonuses, or Why Being a Dragon's Husband Is a Profitable Thing

A month later, I realized the benefits:

1. **No tax audits** — who would risk coming to a dragon?

2. **Free heating** — in the winter, the castle is +30°C. In the summer... well, we'll survive.

3. **Personal guard** — Zalira burned three murderers while I was finishing my sandwich.

— Darling, — she cleaned her claws on my throne, — today I burned an advisor. He called you a "brainless kinglet."

— Uh... Thanks?

— You're welcome. I liked the way he squealed.

**[Skill acquired: "Love through Terror"

Effect: Your enemies are now Zalira's enemies. And they're already dead.]**

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### Epilogue: Happy... or toasted?

Sitting on the charred balcony, I thought: what if this is the best mistake of my life? Yes, I'm married to a dragon. Yes, my castle smells like a fire. But...

"King!" Grognard handed me a new document. "Will you sign it?"

"What is it?" I lazily extended my hand.

"A treaty on the heirs. Zalira wants... uh... an egg."

The pen fell from my fingers.

**[Main quest updated: "Dragon-scale fatherhood"

Objective:

- Hatch an egg (or get boiled in it)

- Name the child something other than "Ember"

Reward:

- Family happiness... or a funeral.]**

**Marriage Glossary (side notes):**

1. **Rule #1:** Never argue. Nod and put away the lighter.

2. **The Secret to Harmony:** Dragons love compliments. For example: "You're on fire today!"

3. **Advice from Grognard:** Buy a fire extinguisher. For atmosphere.

4. **Truth from Zalira:** Love is when you're not being fried... yet.