Chapter 7: "How I Accidentally Started a Revolution... and Again Didn't Notice It, or Why Taxes Are Boring, But Pies Are Not"
Prologue: A Morning That Began with a Stone (and More)
It turned out that royal life was not much different from a miner's life. Except that instead of the sound of a pickaxe, there was the sound of stones hitting a skull.
- YOUR MAJESTY, WAKE UP! - Grognard, my personal sadistic alarm clock, threw another boulder with the engraving *"With love from the miners' guild"* at me.
I opened one eye, watching as the crown rolled off the nightstand and hit the floor. It had been trying to escape for three days already - apparently unable to withstand my rule.
- You... - I yawned, wiping drool from the royal robe, - do you even realize that I could have executed you for this?
Grognar grinned, taking a larger stone out of his pocket:
- Try it. I've got a *special* one with spikes.
**[Debuff: "Morning Migraine" (-30% to charisma, +50% to sarcasm)]**
The royal orchestra started playing outside the window. Or rather, three drunk minstrels who confused the anthem with a dirty ditty.
"What are they singing?" I asked, listening.
"*"Our king is a piece of granite, but at least he abolished taxes!"*" Grognard translated. "The people adore you."
"And the nobles?
"They hate you."
"Perfect balance!" I reached for a croissant, but instead grabbed a decree raising taxes on... rat traps.
Part 1: Paper Hell, or How I Became a Victim of My Own Signature
The throne room was piled high with scrolls above my head. Advisors, like a flock of hungry vultures, surrounded me:
— Your Majesty, sign the decree on the fish tax!
— No, first about the air tax!
— What about the tax on taxes?!
**[Skill "Speed Signature" activated!
Speed: 5 documents per second
Awareness: 0%]**
— Your Majesty, are you sure you want to cancel ALL taxes? — squeaked the treasurer, a skinny little man with glasses as thick as the bottom of a bottle.
— Of course! — I waved my pen, leaving a duck-shaped blot. — The people will be happy!
— But... the treasury will be empty! The army will rebel! The nobles...
"The nobles will survive," I interrupted, throwing my feet up on the table. "They have these... uh... golden toilets!"
The treasurer fainted. The system blinked:
**[Achievement: "Economic Collapse in 5 Seconds"
Reward: Riot +1, Pies ∞]**
Part 2: A Massive Feast… and an Economic Collapse
An hour later, the people were dancing in the squares. Peasants were burning tax returns, bakers were giving away free loaves of bread, and children were riding on barrels of ale.
"Long live King Akki!" the drunken blacksmith yelled, treating me to a meat pie… or was it his glove?
"See, Grognard?" I chewed, smearing the filling over my crown. "They're happy!"
"They're drunk," he snorted. "Tomorrow they'll sober up and realize their money's gone."
"Let them eat pie!" I proclaimed, awkwardly quoting historical figures.
**[Title received: "Confectioner King"
Effect: +100% popularity with bakers, -100% respect with economists.]**
Meanwhile, the treasurer, having woken up, tried to collect the budget from what was available:
— Selling the throne! No... the crown! No... the king?!
**[Quest: "Save the treasury"
Options:
1. Introduce a tax on stupidity (chance: 70%)
2. Steal from a neighboring kingdom (chance: 100% war)
3. Pretend that nothing is happening (chance: 99% collapse)]**
Part 3: The Aristocrats' Revolt, or How I Waged War... With Myself
The nobles burst into the hall, waving handkerchiefs and... pitchforks? Apparently, they grabbed the first thing that came to hand.
"This is outrageous!" shouted the Duke de La Grusha, whose belly barely fit through the door. "You have ruined us!"
"You have ruined yourself," I retorted, hiding behind Grognard. "How much can you spend on golden chamber pots?"
"It's tradition!" Countess Puffinston, looking like a disheveled chicken, poked me with her fan. "Return the taxes, or... or we will overthrow you!"
**[System: Attention! Mini-boss "Fat Duke" (Lv. 25) has been summoned.
Hint: Use the pie as a weapon.]**
"I have a better suggestion," I pulled out a box from under the throne. "Pies!"
The nobles froze. Pies were a rarity here — they were baked only for the plebeians.
"With… strawberries?" the Duke whispered, licking his lips.
"And with bribes inside!" I lied, throwing the pie in his face.
**[Critical hit! The Duke is stunned by the sweet cream.]**
The people, hearing the noise, burst into the hall. A brawl began:
- **Peasant vs. Count** — a fight with pillows stuffed with feathers.
- **Baker vs. Duchess** — a battle with rolling pins.
- **Me vs. My Own Crown** — she tried to escape again.
**[Skill «Royal Awkwardness» (lvl 10):
Chance of tripping in an epic moment — 99%]**
And then I fell. Not just fell — somersaulted over the duke, knocked down the curtain and landed face first in the countess's cake.
«HE BOWED TO THE PEOPLE!» — the peasants screamed. — DOWN WITH THE NOBLES!
Grognar, watching this, barely held back his laughter:
«You're such a clown.
**[Achievement: «Revolution with One Face»
Reward: Title «Clown King», +50% damage from tomatoes.]**
Part 4: Afterword, or Where's My Damn Pie?
By evening, the palace looked like it had been invaded by barbarians. The nobles had fled, taking their pies with them, the people were drinking in the garden, and I was looking for my treasured croissant.
"Your Majesty," the treasurer, now looking like a squeezed lemon, held out a scroll. "There's one last document left..."
I signed it automatically.
**[Decree #666: "Obligate all citizens to hug 10 people a day"
Effect:
— +100% to overall happiness
— –100% to personal space]**
"Grognar," I sighed, "maybe we should run away to the mines?"
"We can't. You're a symbol of the revolution now." He nodded at the crowd outside the window, chanting, "Akki is our pie!"
— Then… — I grabbed the cake from the tray. — I declare a holiday!
**[System: Congratulations! You have completed the «Revolutionary Saga».
Reward:
— Skill «Chaotic Rule»
— Curse «Eternal Pies»
— New quest: «Marriage to the Dragon» (survival chance: 0.5%)]
Epilogue: The Accidental King
Later, as I gazed at the stars (and ignored the wine stain on my robe), I mused:
"I wonder what's in the next chapter?"
Grognar, finishing his cake, chuckled:
"They say dragons like... accidental suitors."
**[Fate: Prepare yourself. You will sign everything.]**
---
**Glossary of Revolution (notes in the margins):**
1. **Rule #1:** The best revolution is an accidental one.
2. **Secret of the Treasury:** Money is an illusion. Pies are reality.
3. **Treasurer's Advice:** When all is bad, bake muffins.
4. **Grognar's Truth:** The people will forgive everything except the lack of snacks.