Chapter 13: "How I Accidentally Saved the Universe... Just by Sneezing, or Why a Handkerchief is the Best Weapon"

Prologue: A Morning That Started With Stone and Ended With an Apocalyptic Sneeze

Grognar's boulder flew through the window, ricocheted off the gilded dragon statue, and landed in my bowl of oatmeal, turning it into a porridge with a "crunchy" surprise.

"YOUR MAJESTY!" Grognar burst into the bedroom, waving a scroll with the seal "URGENT". "YOU GOT LOST AGAIN LAST NIGHT! THE EAST WING IS COVERED IN SLIME!"

"It wasn't me!" I spat out the rubble. "It was... Zalira practicing a new type of breathing!"

"A lie. She only burned half the hallway. And the slime… — he pointed his finger at my crown, from which a pink lump was hanging — … is your experiments with "divine cooking"!

**[Quest: "Cleanse the palace from the consequences of your genius"

Difficulty: Divine

Reward: Chance of not being eaten by the dragoness — 1%]

Part 1: The Sneeze That Shook the Worlds

While I was trying to scrape the mucus off the crown (it squeaked and called me "daddy"), my nose tickled.

"Oh no..." I closed my eyes. "Not now..."

**A-a-a-PCHIIIIII!**

**[Divine ability activated: "Cosmic Sneeze"

Effect:

- Creation of a parallel universe from snot

- Random replacement of the laws of physics

- Birth of flying kittens (50% chance)]**

The ceiling cracked, and kittens rained down from the sky. Not ordinary ones - the size of a calf, with bat wings and scorpion tails.

"Meow-rrrrr!" One of them landed on the throne, piercing it with its claws. "Where can I eat here?"

**[Detected: Catocalypse (Threat Level: Purr Apocalypse)

Hint: Use Valerian!]**

— Akki! — Zalira flew into the room, toasting an overgrown kitten. — Explain why there are toasts floating in the lake?

— Is this... a new kind of fishing?

— LIAR! — She threw a charred marshmallow at me. — Fix it before I eat you!

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### Part 2: Breakfast Chaos, or How I Learned to Hate My Immune System

**8:30 — Breakfast with Consequences**

The cafeteria turned into a war zone:

- **Soups** ran away from the plates, screaming "Freedom!"

- **Bacon** united into combat squads and laid siege to the coffee pot.

- **Eggs** evolved into eye-like creatures and went on strike.

- Your Majesty! - the cook burst in with a frying pan instead of a shield. - Omelette demands a raise!

- Give him a medal! - I ducked under the table, dodging the flying toast. - And a vacation!

**[Skill «Negotiation with food» increased!

Current level: «Master of culinary disgrace».]**

**9:00 - Meeting with the Council of Madness**

Grognard called an emergency meeting:

- **Lyra**, a failed mage whose spells turned into flat jokes.

- **Toran**, a miner who talked to a pickaxe.

- **Zekk**, a goblin economist who considered the war a «loss-making project».

— The situation is this, — Grognard poked at the map, covered in coffee stains. — Catocalypse in the north, killer toast in the south, and here… — he pointed to the stain — …a river of jelly.

— I suggest we surrender, — Zekk said, counting the losses. — It will be cheaper.

— And I suggest we sneeze again! — Lyra blurted out, dropping the deck of cards, which turned into moths.

**[Voting:

— Surrender: 1 vote (Zekk)

— Sneeze: 1 vote (Lyra)

— Run away: 1 vote (Toran)

— Your vote: ???]**

— I… will try to fix this, — I sighed, feeling a tickle in my nose.

Part 3: The Sneeze-Savior Mission, or How I Became a Hostage to My Own Nose

**10:00 — Preparing to Sneeze**

To make the sneeze stronger, I:

- Smelled pepper (sneezed, creating a duck-shaped cloud).

- Looked at the sun (sneezed, knocking down a couple of clouds).

- Thought about dust (sneezed, creating a dust demon).

"Bad idea," Toran stated, talking to his pickaxe. "My Singer says you're a fool."

"Thank you, Singer," I sneezed in frustration.

**WHAM!**

The sky split, releasing the Chaos Titan, a creature made of cracks in reality and poorly glued together special effects.

**[Boss: Chaos Titan (Level 999)

Abilities:

- "Handshake with Madness" (turns the mind into mincemeat)

- "Dance of Emptiness" (erases reality in rhythm)

Weakness: Sneeze (but who would think of it?)]**

- WHO DARE... - The Titan rumbled, dropping stars from the sky.

- Uh... Me? - I raised my hand, hiding behind Grognard.

- YOU... JOKER? - The Titan leaned over, his galaxy eye flashing. - YOUR SNEEZE TORE THE FABRIC OF THE UNIVERSE!

- It was an accident!

- ACCIDENT WILL BE YOUR TOMBSTONE!

**[Quest: "Sneeze to Save Yourself"

Advice: Don't forget to say "Bless you!" to yourself.]**

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### Part 4: Sneeze Poker with Destiny, or How I Cheated the Apocalypse

Titan raised his fist filled with supernova. In despair, I dove behind the throne, where I found... a handkerchief.

"Last chance!" I blew my nose.

**A-a-a-PCHIIIIII!**

A sneeze wave hit Tian. He froze, then... shrank to the size of a tennis ball.

**[Victory!

Chaos Titan transformed into:

— Ping Pong Ball (Legendary)

Properties:

— Always angry

— Shouts "I'LL BE BACK!" when hit]**

— Hurray? — I picked up the ball, which cursed in an ancient language.

— Hurray! — Grognard threw a boulder at me. — YOU FIXED IT AGAIN!

**[Achievement: "Reluctant Savior"

Reward: Eternal headache.]**

Part 5: Cleaning Up After the Apocalypse, or Why Heroes Don't Get Paid

**12:00 — Cleaning Up the Aftermath**

"How do you clean up the flying kittens?" I asked Zalira as she fried a giant squid (formerly a cloud).

"Just sneeze again," she winked, setting the kitten's tail on fire.

**A-a-a-PCHIIIIII!**

The kittens merged into a glowing sphere and flew into the portal, leaving behind the inscription: "We'll be back with a mur!"

**13:00 — Negotiating with Toasts**

"We demand equal rights!" Toaster Chief shouted, spreading butter like a bodyguard.

"You'll get everything!" I sneezed, turning the toasts into bread pigeons.

**14:00 — Kiselnaya River**

- She's rebelling! — Grognard pointed at the river, the waves of which formed obscene gestures.

- We need to calm her down... — I sneezed into the water. The river froze into jelly and gave in.

**[Sneeze Diplomacy skill maxed out!

You can now conclude peace treaties with a handkerchief.]**

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### Part 6: Divine Runny Nose, or Why the Hero Deserved a Rest

By evening, I was falling off my feet. Zalira had arranged a "romantic" dinner: a roast unicorn (another former cloud) and wine made from stardust.

- You're doing well today, — she bit my ear, leaving a burn. — But if you sneeze at the table...

- I'll try, — I sneezed, accidentally creating a napkin out of antimatter.

**[Dessert destroyed. Zalira's mood: -50%]**

Grognar handed me a stone engraved with "Sneezer Hero".

- Here you go. Maybe you'll open the next apocalypse more carefully.

**[Received: Stone of Destiny (chance to cause a sneeze +100%)]**

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### Epilogue: Life after a sneeze

Before going to bed, I looked out the window. The universe was shining as usual. Somewhere in the distance, a prophet cat was meowing, predicting a new catastrophe.

- Tomorrow, - I promised myself, - I'll buy a handkerchief.

**[System: New quest: "Find a handkerchief that does not spawn monsters."

Difficulty: Legendary.

Reward: Chance of a quiet day - 0.001%.]**

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**Sneezer's Glossary:**

1. **Rule #1:** The best defense is not to sneeze at the right time.

2. **Advice from Zalira:** If you sneeze, aim at the enemy.

3. **Truth from Grognard:** Every sneeze is a mini-apocalypse.

4. **Wisdom of Lyra:** Sneeze, and the world will become cleaner. Or brighter.