Chapter 14: "How I Accidentally Became Immortal... By Eating a Strange Pie, or Why Dessert Is the Worst Way to Gain Eternity"

Prologue: A Morning That Started with Stone and Ended with Pie

Grognar's boulder flew through the window, ricocheted off the gilded dragon statue, and landed right in my chamber pot, sending up a spray of the king's sacred liquid.

"YOUR MAJESTY!" Grognard burst into the bedroom, waving a scroll with the seal "URGENT". "YOU GOT LOST AGAIN LAST NIGHT! THE EAST WING SMELLS OF..."

"It wasn't me!" I interrupted, wiping the aftermath of my morning "shower" from my face. "It's... Zalira's experimental perfume!"

"A lie!" Grognard pointed at the brown stains on the wall. "Your "perfume" ate the marble!"

**[Quest: "Cleanse the palace from the consequences of genius"

Difficulty: Divine

Reward: Chance of not being eaten by the dragoness - 0.5%]**

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### Part 1: Fatal dessert, or How the alchemist mixed up the recipes

The kitchen, where chaos usually reigned, today smelled of... hope. And sulfur. On the table was a pie decorated with runes and sparkling icing. Next to it was a note:

**"Do not eat! Experimental sample #666:

— Immortality +

— Invisibility (side effect)

— Taste: like a victory over fate"**

— Interesting, — I picked up my fork, — what if I add whipped cream...

**Click.**

Thoran, a failed alchemist whose potions smelled like troll socks, flew through the door:

— Your Majesty! Don't touch the pie! It's...

— Too late, — I took a bite. The taste was reminiscent of fried fish with a hint of the apocalypse.

**[System: Congratulations! You've eaten the "Pie of Eternity".

Effects:

— Immortality (active)

— Invisibility (activates after 24 hours)

— Eternal thirst (for the pie is salty)]**

— You... you... — Thoran fell to his knees. — It was an experiment for rats!

— Rats are immortal now? — I asked, feeling my fingers begin to flicker.

— No! They exploded!

**[Mood: Panic. Level: "Run before it's too late."]**

Part 2: The Trial of Immortality, or Why You Can't Trust Alchemists

**Test #1: Falling Down the Stairs**

I tripped over my own cloak and tumbled down. Result:

- Broken Bones: 0

- Bruises: 0

- Humiliation: +100%

**[Achievement: "Unkillable Clown"

Effect: Enemies' laughter increases your regeneration.]**

**Test #2: Meeting the Dragoness**

Zalira, having learned about my immortality, decided to "test" it:

- **Tail Strike**: I crashed into the wall. Result: a hole in the stone.

- **Fire Breath**: I became a human torch. A minute later - as good as new.

- **Bite**: Her teeth slid down my neck, leaving only a tickle.

- Boring! - Zalira snorted, roasting my crown. - You're like a rubber ball now.

**[Spousal quest: "Restore the spice of relations"

Advice: Become visible. Or buy her a dragon lover.]**

**Test #3: Advisor with a boulder**

Grognar, having learned that I was invulnerable, began to train his aim:

- **Shot from a catapult**: I landed in the barn.

- **Hammer strike**: The hammer cracked.

- **Spit**: The only thing that hurt.

**[The skill "The art of being a target" has been increased!

You now attract projectiles +30%.]**

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### Part 3: The Cult of the Immortal King, or How I Became a Religion

Rumors of my immortality spread faster than the plague. The palace was flooded with:

- **Pilgrims** with gifts (and strength tests).

- **Scientists** with saws and hammers ("Just one sample of fabric!").

- **Bard Alfred**, who composed the ballad "He Fell, But Got Up".

"Show me a miracle!" the crowd chanted, throwing stones at me.

"A miracle?!" I waved my arms, tripped, and fell face down in the mud. "Here's your miracle!

The people burst into tears of emotion:

"HE'S HUMBLED! HE'S FELL FALLING BEFORE US!"

**[A new religion has been founded: "Falling Faith".

Disciples: Anyone who trips gets +1 Luck.]**

Even Grognard joined in, throwing a sacred boulder engraved with "Blessing" at me.

Part 4: Side Effect, or Why Invisibility Is the Worst Superpower

A day later, the pie gave out a "surprise":

"Where is the king?" Zalira growled, examining the throne room.

"I'm here!" I shouted, but my body became transparent.

"Disappeared? Perfect!" the dragoness lay down on the throne. "This is MY palace now."

**[Debuff: "Ghostly Existence"

Effects:

- You are not seen

- You are not heard

- You are still beaten with boulders]**

**Attempt #1: Prove that I exist**

- **Write a note**: Ink passed through the paper.

- **Steal the crown**: It fell through my head.

- **Hug Zalira**: She sneezed and set the curtain on fire.

**Attempt #2: Find the Alchemist**

Toran, hiding in the laboratory, was brewing an antidote from phoenix tears and troll socks:

"I almost… Aaaah!" he cried out, seeing a hovering spoon (I was trying to eat soup). "A ghost!"

**[Quest: "Taking Form"

Advice: Eat another pie. Or become a prankster ghost.]**

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### Part 5: Ghost Party, or How I Became Friends with Ghost Alfred

While looking for company, I came across the ghost king Alfred III, who was always looking for a toilet:

"You again?" he crossed his transparent arms. "Now you've become a nobody too."

"How do I regain visibility?"

"Easy!" Alfred pointed to the treasury. — Steal the "Mirror of Truth"! It will show you... even if you are emptiness.

**[Quest: "Stealing the Impossible"

Objective:

— Get past the guard dragon

— Don't get eaten (hard, because you are invisible)

— Break the mirror (is it also a ghost?)]**

**Treasury Adventure:**

- **The guard dragon** was sleeping, blowing bubbles of smoke. I passed, but sneezed from the ashes.

- **The Mirror of Truth** showed my reflection... emptiness in the crown.

- **Breaking it**, I gained form - but now I was reflected as a clown with a tomato nose.

**[New Status: "Visible Clown"

Effect: Everyone laughs when they look at you. Even the stones.]**

Part 6: The Finale, or How I Stopped Being a Dessert

Toran injected me with an antidote that smelled like burnt hair. The world went dark, and I...

— I woke up on the floor, covered in cutlets (Zalira was practicing her aim).

— Alive? — Grognard poked me with a boulder. — And we can see!

— What... happened?

— You became visible, — Zalira said, frying a pie. — But now you... — she threw a dessert at me.

**[The pie hit my face.

Effect: "Taste of Defeat"

Status: Mortal again. And sticky.]**

— Hooray? — I wiped my face, feeling my immortality flowing away along with the cream.

— Hooray! — Grognard threw a stone, which I finally dodged.

**[System: Congratulations! You have completed the "Epic of the Pie".

New quest: "Find a normal alchemist".

Difficulty: Impossible.]**

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### Epilogue: Life after Eternity

In the evening, I was sitting in the kitchen, looking at the crumbs of the ill-fated pie. Zalira, who was grilling shashlik from that very dragon guard, said:

"Next time..."

"I know," I interrupted. "Don't eat strange desserts."

"No. Give me the first piece."

**[System: Warning! A dragon with immortality is the end of the universe.]**

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**Glossary of the would-be immortal:**

1. **Rule #1:** If the pie sparkles, it's not the candles. 2. **Advice from Alfred III:** Better to search forever for a toilet than live forever.

3. **Truth from Zalira:** Immortal husbands are boring. But tasty.

4. **Wisdom of Grognard:** A stone in the forehead is the best cure for stupidity.