Chapter 0: Subsistential Hypocrisy

I believe that people today are very similar to stars.

Some shine brighter, others less so. Some are more distant from the rest, others are closer. But in the end, they are all stars.

Stars are born with no purpose other than to exist.

They are a coincidence, a chance occurrence; if things hadn't happened exactly the way they did, they would never have existed.

All stars are similar, but not the same. There will never be two stars exactly alike, identical in every way. No star can replace another star, no matter how much time passes or how hard one tries to change.

Stars age. They are not limitless. They are nothing more than a mass of energy that will eventually run out, and the only thing that can be done is to prolong their life until that, too, is impossible.

Despite all this, stars are precious. One could look up at the sky and see a few, while in another place, someone else might see a vast number of them. But the truth is, that vast number is always present. It is the environment that refuses to show how beautiful the starry sky is.

It's something fulfilling to lie on soft grass, whether alone, with loved ones, or with a significant other; it doesn't matter, anyone can enjoy the stars in their own way.

Even the ones that shine less are precious. Just because they stand out less doesn't mean they're not there, and paying attention to the shyest ones is something worthy of pride. Appreciating everything, not just the best, is what we should all do. No matter how small it is, if it exists, it has value.

Unfortunately, stars, as I mentioned before, are long-lived, but they die. They disappear. Their light, once bright, fades. Some do it slowly, others suddenly.

You never know when it will happen; it's something sudden. Not even seeing the future could predict it. It's something that only nature decides when to do, how, and why.

A star can die in more than one way.

With time, free to exist, until the moment it must say goodbye.

By a third party, whether it's an anomaly, another star, or a black hole.

But the most tragic and terrifying way a star can die...

I didn't want to get up, and I wouldn't have if it hadn't been for the alarm, so I simply decide to snooze it for 5 minutes, which I don't even notice, since it goes off again, though it sounds a bit strange, as if someone is calling me.

"Will you get up for the love of God?!"

It's then that I notice I'm missing the blanket, the pillow I was hugging, and that my sister is digging her nails into my shoulders.

"W-wait! Stop, Amaya!"

At least, when I ask for mercy, my words are heard, and the pain finally stops... Or so I would say if she hadn't dug them in for so long...

"I told you to stop doing that, you fucking idiot."

"I'm really sorry that Snow White doesn't feel like waking up."

I'm still too sleepy to scold her about that, so for now, I'll let it slide…

I get out of bed and start pulling clothes to get dressed. Honestly, I don't have much variety, just t-shirts, hoodies, and regular pants. It's not my fault I have such a poor sense of fashion, though I guess it is.

"Oh, and Dad said that if you don't have breakfast, he's going to take your computer away, so you stop watching porn anime…" said my sister, who was still in my room after the attack.

"And why do you say that as if you don't watch it?"

"Good point…"

Well, no more grudges.

I completely ignore the rest of what she said (and ignore her too), while I pull out all the clothes, grab a beige hoodie, and some random pants. Now I can finally start dressing, so I begin taking off my pants...

Why is Amaya still here?

"Did you suddenly become a northerner?"

"I was just thinking of another insult to say to you, but I give up," Amaya says, sounding disappointed, but of course, she doesn't leave without making an unnecessary comment. Now she even smiles. "It's not like it's worth seeing the 'pain' you have down there."

She says it mockingly, as always, before leaving the room and closing the door. Before she goes, the only thing I have time to do is sigh. And just to be clear, I already know I have a small one.

I don't have a bad relationship with my sister; in fact, without a doubt, it's the most valuable relationship I have. She's three years older than me, so we're on roughly the same level, and we share a lot of interests and humor. She says I rubbed off on her, but she'd probably be like she is now even without me, she just wouldn't have been able to show it.

The only downside to her existence is that she physically abuses me, and my friends can make fun of her or say that my sister will make us a family. It's not like Amaya and the others don't get along, sometimes she even hangs out with the group too, but mostly she gets hooked on her room. I do practically the same thing, only I (probably) go out more than she does.

I don't need to say much more about the morning. I left the house with Amaya, and we caught the train together. Fortunately, this is the only thing I have to do to get to school since there's a stop near my school, but Amaya has to jump through hoops to get to her prep school, at least according to her.

It had only been one week into the second term, but I was already tired, my face was screaming it.

Well, that's a lie, I always have a tired face and a calm voice, so everyone who sees me for the first time asks if I'm okay, my mom asks every day.

When I arrive at the entrance, I already see a family group messing around.

"Brother, you owe me 3 euros from almost a month ago, if you don't bring it tomorrow I'm going to charge you interest."

"Haha, sure you will."

"…"

Here we go again with &$%"! telling =@º\' to give him the money back, they've been like this for a week, but it still makes me laugh. What makes me laugh more is that _¨*^?¿· is just staring at the ground as if his life depended on it.

"Hey"

"Ah, hello"

"Hello"

"Hi"

As usual, the rest of the day goes by like any other, if it weren't for the fact that in 4 days we're going to an anime convention. I'm not going to say much for now, but I'm really excited to go. It's the second time I'll go to something like this, and I've been looking forward to it since the summer began, even though only &$%"! is going, the rest didn't like it the last time we went.

Honestly, it would be 10 times better if my sister came, but she says she doesn't want to, and even though I keep annoying her about going, she always says no. I stopped asking after the fourth try.

There are still 4 days of school left…

Classes are usually boring, the only interesting thing is a discussion taken from a manga about a loser owing a kid 1000 yen. I don't even know how I found out about that through all the noise.

After class, I took the train home. I've gotten into the habit of listening to music every time I do on the way back, since I don't have anyone to talk to.

Speaking of talking, I'm always surprised that I have something to talk about with Amaya, even though we share similar interests, you run out of things to say after a while. That tends to happen with my friends. Ah, must be the magic of siblinghood.

We mostly talk about video games, anime, and series, but sometimes she talks about "serious" things, like politics or less closed hobbies, if you will.

I sound like a Siscon saying this…

I can only sigh after hearing that monologue in my head.

The rest of the day was even more normal. I ate, locked myself in my room, talked to my sister for a bit because I was bored, read, and then went to sleep. Whenever I think about it, my life seems a bit boring from the outside. In the end, what's interesting about reading about a kid jerking off and reading a manga? I don't see the fun in it, though I can't judge, I'm not a writer.

After dinner, when I was reading a novel, Amaya came into my room, and for some reason, she just stood there staring at me without saying anything.

"Am I uglier than usual, or less handsome than usual?"

"Probably both."

It's sad how right she is, and how I can't say the same. I mean it, if I ever get a girlfriend, let her be like this girl, please.

"And are you here for something other than that?"

From there, I put a bookmark in the book to see if she actually wants something or not.

"… No, I just wanted to see if you were okay…" she said in a soft and shy voice, though she wasn't blushing or looking away.

"Do you actually want something?"

"… Um."

"Yeah?"

"Can I sleep with you?"

When did I get thrown into a fanfic?

"When did I get thrown into a fanfic?"

Shit.

"None!" she said, slightly irritated. "It's just… I haven't been sleeping well for a while, and I've been trying things to sleep better, and…"

"You don't have to make excuses, just say you're in love with me and—"

"I knew I shouldn't have asked…" and then her embarrassment was gone, now she just sounded annoyed. "It would really be nice if you'd talk like a normal person every once in a while."

"Okay, yeah, sorry."

"…."

"…."

"S-so, what do you say?"

Ah, I had already forgotten.

"Well… It's not that I don't care, but at the same time, I don't care."

I don't mind her sleeping with me, I don't find it gross or anything, the only thing that might bother me is, well, that she's my sister.

"But I'm serious! I really want to try if it works or not."

"Yeah, yeah, I can believe you, you've woken me up enough at night for me to believe you." More than once, she's ruined my entire night. "But if it works, what are you planning to do? Sleep with me every day?"

"Eh... well, no, but I could just copy you..."

"Copy me? ... Ah, okay." I couldn't help but smile as I realized what she meant. "And then you made fun of me."

"No need to throw it in my face..."

After that, she went back to her room, saying she had homework to do and wasn't sure if she was really going to come or not. But an hour later, she did come in and got into the bed. Now, there's nothing to worry about since we're facing opposite directions (with almost no space between us), and I'm hugging a pillow. What I am worried about is how we'll wake up. Not because someone might get touched, but because we both move a lot in our sleep, and we'll end up on top of each other, or one of us doing a handstand while the other is hugging them (though back then, nothing happened because we were still kids).

Still, we both fell asleep pretty quickly.

I couldn't take my eyes off what was in front of me. I had to call someone, ask for help. I was scared, desperate. I was surrounded by darkness. But in that darkness, a light approached me, a hand in the shape of a light that gently caressed my face. I could feel how warm it was. Thanks to it, the darkness faded, and only I remained. But before I could thank it...

My back hurts...

My alarm is ringing, as usual, at the same time. What's not usual is that my glorious but treacherous mattress was replaced by a cold, smooth wooden floor.

"…"

I slowly get up from the floor, because if I did it all at once, my back would be even more broken. Once I'm on my feet, I turn off the alarm and stare at the reason why my wake-up call has been so unpleasant.

She's occupying the whole bed, the blanket wrapped around her legs, hugging the pillow, half her shirt lifted, and her bra pulled off, sticking out from underneath her...

How do I wake her up?

I can literally do whatever I want, so as someone with basic decency, I just shake her. Now that I look at her again, how the hell did she take off her bra?

I don't want to know.

"Come on, Amaya..."

I shake her a little harder until she wakes up.

"Mhhhh..." After a quiet groan, she yawns and then realizes it's me waking her up.

"… Why are you waking me up?"

"Because you fell asleep, maybe?"

"Shit, I'm not going to be able to shower now..."

Apparently, she left her phone in her room, which is why she wasn't awake. Although I'm not sure if her alarm would have woken her up anyway.

Amaya sits up lazily on the bed, and as she leans her hands back, she directly touches her bra. Then she freezes for a moment, and I start fearing for my life, even though I haven't done anything.

"Well, what about this little gift here? Tell me, why is this not on me?" That tone doesn't sit well with me, sister.

"How could I have taken it off, I've probably slept more than you, and I've been sleeping on the floor."

"… You're right." At least she calmed down.

She told me that she actually slept well, just that her mood was a little off. She might be getting her period or something. Better not mess with her today.

And so I did, until we got to school. I could go on about all the stuff I talked about with the group, but in the end, it's irrelevant. This isn't a novel where a new girl shows up or someone's life changes after they go to the library. There's nothing noteworthy; it would be boring to be here without friends.

...I feel bad about what I said...

That's probably how she feels.

I've always worried that Amaya doesn't have friends, and I think about it from time to time. She's shy, but she also doesn't show much interest in trying to meet new people. She's really open with those she trusts (or at least with me). I just hope things are going well for her in high school.

I'd like to help her, but I just end up giving her more problems. I always end up venting to her, and it's her who consoles me. She's a much better person than I'll ever be. She doesn't deserve to be alone. Although I don't see it affecting her much, it's strange that I've never seen her cry. Does she not trust me enough? Or is it because she doesn't want to hurt me?

"…"

Then, someone puts their arm over my shoulder.

"Hey."

"Ah, hi."

It's &$%"! , and behind him are =@º\' and _¨*^?¿·.

"What's up, you're more spaced out than _¨*^?¿· , did you not sleep, or are you still thinking about the question from yesterday?" &$%"! says in a teasing tone.

"Ah, no, I was just spaced out."

"You could at least say something funnier..."

"Like what? That I saw you at the literature club reading an ecchi manga?"

As soon as I said that, =@º\' started laughing, and _¨*^?¿· just smiled a little.

"Y-you know I don't have anything like that."

"Then what's behind the philosophy books?"

&$%"! went silent for a moment. He wasn't embarrassed, but he was annoyed.

"... And how do you know that if you're not even in the club?"

"Ah, well, I had no idea..."

After that, I started to feel like my shoulder was being dislocated, but without it actually happening. &$%"! was grabbing and squeezing my shoulder, which wouldn't hurt as much if it wasn't for that damn cat I have at home...

"Then why do you keep talking?"

"Okay, okay, sorry, but stop!"

Even though it was verbal, I don't know why I get into these kinds of arguments. In the end, I always lose, and with the body I've got, that's normal.

After that casual encounter, the rest of the day was normal, except when it wasn't, and everything came almost one after the other.

In the fourth period, before the break, we had a general class, which wasn't really a class since it felt more like an extra break. People couldn't stand up, but they could talk. All thanks to the teacher who didn't do anything, which I appreciated. Out of my friends, I only had &$%"! nearby, who was behind me, but at least the other two were together as well.

I was reading, instead of talking to &$%"!, since he was doing yesterday's homework and also today's. Just so you know, it was a light novel, I didn't want to bring a manga to school just in case.

In the middle of the noise, unexpectedly, the teacher raised his voice.

"Everyone be quiet for a moment!"

The class quieted almost instantly; he didn't sound angry, but he was a bit intimidating.

"You know I let you relax in this class, but sometimes you have to work. I've got a sheet for you to—"

The entire class interrupted the teacher with a chorus of boos, and the teacher told us to shut up again.

"Well, the sheet is about what you want to do in the future. Be honest, because I'm going to give this to your tutor later."

And so, he started handing out the papers one by one. Honestly, I was debating between leaving it blank or writing "I don't know."

"What are you going to put, Riku?" said the voice behind me.

"Ah, probably put 'I don't know,' or something like that."

"You really still don't know what you want to do?"

"It's not that late, I mean, it's not urgent, plus, I'm sure I'm not the only one."

"If you weren't the only one, there'd be more people not writing in class."

After &$%"! said that, I looked around the class and realized that literally everyone was writing except us two.

"And you know what you're going to do, then, &$%"!?"

"I might go into something like cinema or photography. I've told you this a few times, right?"

"Yeah, that's true…"

I've looked for jobs that I might like, because I'm not going to do something that requires a lot of studying or is boring to me. Not because I'm bad at school, but because if not, I might as well just end it.

In the end, I lied on the sheet and put that I'd go into economics, which honestly seems like the most interesting option for me, at least within what I can handle.

This may seem irrelevant from the outside, but it's one of the things that concerns me the most, since I feel like I'm not getting anywhere. What makes it stand out is that it's one of the few times the teacher actually does something.

Then came lunch. The four of us were sitting at a table, eating, talking about whatever crossed our minds, until suddenly, someone slammed a table and shouted.

"I don't find this funny at all!"

The cafeteria went silent, and everyone turned to look in the direction of the shout. The one who yelled was a kid (who looked older than me), with a friend beside him. On the left side of the kid sat another guy, who was the very image of a nerd, with food on the table along with some exercises. I had no idea why he had to shout now.

"I've already told you, I don't have it."

"I told you yesterday to bring it."

The older guy sounded pissed, and the nerd looked worried, plus no one was looking anymore. I guess they didn't want to get involved.

Well, no one wanted to get involved except =@º\' , who, with his firefighter-like instincts, stood up from his seat.

"What the hell are you doing?"

"If you want to stay here, fine, but let me go."

I tried to stop him, but it was like talking to a wall.

"It's not like it's worth reacting like that."

"Yeah? What do you know?"

= @º\' went towards the bully, and after thinking for a second, &$%"! joined him. I don't blame them, neither of them is in bad shape, especially =@º\' , who already has some muscle. Both -,.+} and I stayed in our seats. Ah, right, -,.+} is the nickname I gave to _¨*^?¿· some time ago.

Even though they were going, I wasn't going to follow just because they're my friends. I'm embarrassed, and I'd only make things worse.

"Do we need to call a teacher?" said _¨*^?¿· out loud. Ah, wait, he's asking me.

"They know what they're doing. In the long run, this isn't something a teacher can fix." I made sure to make that clear.

"Who do you think you are, aside from a clown, to just get up like that?"

"Someone who doesn't have two brain cells, unlike the rat in front of me."

"If you really want to piss me off, let's go to the damn yard." Shit, now he sounds even angrier. But, it's normal.

Both &$%"! and the bully's friend stayed behind, like the tank's support.

Then the four of them went to the yard. I don't know what I should have done, but I just didn't want to risk it, so I stayed out of it. I'll apologize later.

What I didn't expect was for _¨*^?¿· to suddenly get up.

"I'm going to find a teacher." Wow, I guess this is serious then. More reason not to get involved.

In the end, I ate alone, with half the class watching the kid they were picking on, and the other half watching me…

What are you looking at? Am I the one who did something weird?

It didn't last that long, but I felt more guilty than I should have after that last part. Also, 10 minutes had passed since they left, and 2 since _¨*^?¿· left.

"… Agh, shit…" I whispered before standing up as well.

When I got there, everything had already been over for a while. I knew where they were going because it's the most hidden place in the school. The teachers had already arrived. Just by looking for a few seconds at the scene, I could understand what was going on.

It was only the bully and =@º\' fighting, though &$%"! was bleeding from the nose, so I don't know who started it. &$%"! was holding onto =@º\' , who, like the other guy, wanted to keep fighting. Luckily, the bully's friend wasn't that stupid and was holding him back too.

Just as I was about to approach them, I heard a voice behind me. It was a teacher.

"What happened?!"

He came with _¨*^?¿· , and they were apparently asking me.

"No, I just got here, but…"

That's when I looked at the problem, and as soon as the teacher saw them, he went straight over to break it up.

After a good talk with everyone (including _¨*^?¿ and I), the teacher took the 4 troublemakers, I suppose first to the nurse, then to the principal's office. The two of us didn't get into trouble. What bothers me the most about all this is what I overheard while they passed by me.

"Thanks for nothing."

None of the group was looking at me, but I know it was directed at me. It was =@º\' who said it, which seems normal, as he's one of the angry ones, but it bothers me that it was him who said it after saying he could just not intervene.

I haven't done anything wrong, they were the ones looking for a fight, and a fight they got for a while. They only have the right to call me a coward. In the end, even _¨*^?¿ went.

At the end of the last class, I found out from &$%"! what they had been told.

"Me and the guy who followed Soeyu, they told us they were going to talk to our parents, and we're going to be cleaning after class, two weeks for me, four for the other. The other two got expelled for a month. They even called their parents during the meeting," &$%"! sounds clearly upset.

"What did you expect to happen if not?"

"Nothing would've happened if _¨*^?¿ hadn't gone for a teacher…"

"I know you're upset, but it's not like we can blame him behind his back like that."

"But we knew we could handle it fine, we're not idiots, if we saw we crossed a line, we would've stopped, whether the other wanted to continue or not."

"He didn't do it with bad intentions, he did it thinking of what was best for you."

"Yeah, well at least he did something…"

And after that remark, the conversation ended.

Good thing _¨*^?¿ is gone.

In the end, everything ended with a bitter taste, and now that I think about it, the day was far from normal. The rest of the classes after the incident flew by since I could only think about what had happened.

"Ahhh…"

I sighed, tired of today, even though I didn't do anything. I didn't help in anything. I've just marked my presence as someone and that's it. I haven't helped in anything. Even contributed with some negative things.

I could have stopped _¨*^?¿ and let the conflict solve itself, but I decided to do nothing. I didn't even show interest in the situation itself. Why should I? If they jumped off a bridge, I wouldn't follow, but I wouldn't do anything either. I haven't done anything because I trusted they were smart enough to figure it out.

No, did I really think that while sitting? I guess that was more me avoiding the situation than actually thinking it was the best. But then, why did =@º\' say that? Maybe he got mad that I didn't stand up for myself, or that I didn't stop _¨*^?¿? I hope it's the second, since they should know me well enough to understand I'm a fearful person. In the first place, I don't know what we have in common apart from some tastes and a broken sense of humor.

"Really, sometimes I wonder what led us to become friends…"

I'm not saying this because they're bothering me, or because I'm angry now, because I'm not, but I've thought more than once what would happen if I hadn't met them, or if we stopped being friends suddenly.

Do I really regret doing nothing? I don't feel the same as with Amaya, I don't feel bad or burdened…

Maybe I could compensate for today by doing something good…

"Mh…"

Yes, I've decided: Today I really want to help Amaya. I'm not going to cry. Even if I'm a crybaby, I won't do it today. I just hope this spirit lasts until I talk to her, sometimes I'm surprised at how easily I get unmotivated for some things.

When I got home, my dad wasn't there, so I guess I'll eat alone today. I don't complain, it's comforting to do so once in a while.

After that, I waited for Amaya to get home, shower, and rest a bit, I didn't want to bother her by trying to help. It's kind of ironic that I'm saying this.

It was already 6 PM, so I stopped playing and left my room, also taking advantage of the fact that my dad wasn't home.

In the end, I'm really going to get involved with her…

I was thinking this as I made my way to her room. It was on the same floor as mine, the first floor, but at the end of the hall.

I started to feel the atmosphere a bit dim, I know I'm overthinking, but in the end, it only hurts me, so it's better to just let it go.

When I reached the door, I opened it slightly, making the least noise possible so she wouldn't notice, and peered through the gap. The only light came from the window, which was covered by a crappy curtain.

"Amaya?" I asked quietly.

"What?" she answered softly.

"Are you okay? Do you feel sick?"

"No, I'm just a little tired."

She was lying down, with her back to me, facing the wall, and curled up into a ball.

Seeing her like that, I decided to enter without turning on the light and sit on the bed, in the space that was still available.

"Did you come for something?"

"I just wanted to know how you were doing."

"…"

"Is it that weird for me to be worried about you?"

"What's weird is that you don't talk about yourself…" she said in an annoyed tone.

I'll stop joking about her period for now, I don't want to mess this up.

"… Sorry for…"

"You don't have to apologize, in the end, you end up relieving me too."

What a contradictory phrase, given the tone just a second ago...

"Oh… well, anyway…"

If I keep going like this, I won't get anywhere...

"And, Riku, what do you think about me?"

"Eh? Do you mean how I see you or how I think you are?"

"Yeah, something like that."

There's a moment of silence, but after getting rid of my embarrassment, I decide to speak.

"Well, if I'm honest, I often think I don't deserve you, you're kind, sometimes you know how to put yourself in other people's shoes, you always do your responsibilities, and help dad with a lot of the housework. You're good with your studies, you never neglect them. You have a good personality and respectable tastes and opinions, and a good mentality, even if you're a bit pessimistic sometimes. Overall, I think you're a pleasant person who deserves more than…"

I end up cutting myself on purpose, so I don't fall into the same hole again.

"Do you think I'm… eh… pleasant to look at?" Amaya said, embarrassed, with a slightly louder tone than expected.

"Yes. It's not exaggerated, but you're above average. Although that's not the most important thing."

"Do you really think that?"

"Yes."

I would've asked, "Don't you think so?" but that's kind of a given, and she'd probably send me to hell if I said it.

"Do you really just come here for that? Not to cry and let me comfort you, so you can apologize later?"

That might be true, but it's not like I'm going to say it out loud. I know that already.

"I want to stop doing that…" I said with a tone of regret.

"I'm not saying it bothers me, just that either you come here for that or to fool around."

"Doesn't it bother you?"

"No, it doesn't really bother me, it might be in poor taste, but most of the things you say to me I forget after a few days, so it's not like you carry a huge weight because of it. I feel good being able to do that, and for it to work in the end. There are times I feel like crying really does hurt you, but the rest of the time, I just see that you need to relax, and that's your way of doing it."

"Relax while crying? That doesn't make sense."

"No, not in the moment, but afterward, we all feel it. Don't you always feel better after crying, like relieved?"

No need to answer that, it's practically common sense.

"I think what you're looking for when you cry is that specific moment."

"Don't excuse my inability to control my emotions as a master plan I have with myself to relax."

"I'm not saying that, it's just what I think. Maybe you're just a baby, which isn't bad if you know how to control yourself when necessary."

"That last part is what I'm missing, I think…"

Damn, I let that slip and here we are again, I'll try to get back to the topic.

"Well, in any case, I can stop if you want."

"No, if you want to do it now, I wouldn't mind," Amaya sounded calmer, even a bit more cheerful, you could say.

"But I don't have…"

"If you're in the mood to say that, and I'm calm enough to say I'd rather be left alone, I think neither of us is in a bad place."

"No, you're wrong, we're both really messed up."

For a moment, we looked each other in the eyes, and after a while, we both started laughing. I still worried that she might be hiding something from me, which she probably is, but I want to leave her with this happiness if possible. I don't want to ruin the moment.

After our little conversation, I gave Amaya a hug. I was glad I went to see her; I'm not sure if she was tired or just feeling down, but I hoped she would at least feel a little better for a while.

Since it was getting late, and my dad wouldn't be home soon, I decided to cook something. I'm not very skilled in the kitchen, in fact, I can only make three dishes, two of which are pre-made. But today I decided to make something from scratch: curry rice. The hardest part for me is the sauce, which is usually what gets complicated. Before starting, I searched for my mom's recipe book, which she left here but never came to collect. I figured I'd take advantage of it.

Even though I was doing it with care, I didn't expect it to come out perfect. The last time I tried, it didn't turn out too well, but I hoped at least it wouldn't burn.

It didn't take long to make, but between checking ingredients and reading the recipe over and over, I finished around 7 PM. The curry and rice looked good, and tasted fine.

My dad usually gets home at 8 PM, so I had time for a shower before he arrived. Though I was worried the food would get cold, I kept it covered to maintain the heat.

In the end, my dad arrived two hours late.

"Hello, dad."

"Oh, hi, Riku."

We're not very close, but we don't dislike each other either. He does the best he can, and even with everything he's had to endure, he's never broken down in front of me or my sister. I just hope he's okay.

"How was work?"

"Fine, but I stayed longer than I should have. I'm sorry, you'll be eating late."

"It's fine, I made dinner."

"Really?" You shouldn´t be that surprised...

"Yeah, I hope that's okay."

My dad walked up and patted me on the shoulder.

"Heh, no, you did me a big favor. Thanks."

I wasn't sure if he was laughing because I was overthinking things or if he found it funny that I cooked dinner.

We set the table, and while my dad heated the food, I went upstairs to get my sister.

Knock knock

There was a brief silence before someone answered.

"What?"

"Dinner's ready!"

"I'm coming, just give me a moment."

"No! I don't want to wait, I want you to try what I made with my hard work!"

As soon as I finished saying this, I opened the door and saw Amaya sitting on the bed, almost completely facing away from the door. As soon as I opened it, she quickly turned to me, embarrassed.

"You were supposed to wait!"

It was an awkward moment, and instinctively, I closed the door just as she got up from the bed.

"Yeah, yeah, take your time."

That was the last thing I said before she opened the door, grabbed me by the shirt collar, and dragged me into her room.

"Someone gave me a beating," I said in a tired and painful voice as I sat at the table, after my dad noticed the mark on my face.

Amaya, still embarrassed, couldn't look anyone in the eye.

"What did you do to him?" Dad asked. "What happened?"

That's when I realized he was asking me.

"Me?"

"Yes, you."

"I didn't do anything…"

"She came into my room without permission," said Amaya, interrupting me and accusing me.

"Isn't that what I always do?"

"Yes, but this time I told you not to come in."

Dad sighed, understanding what had happened.

"Why did you hit him?"

"Because… I wanted to, and he deserved it."

"You've gone too far. You know one hit is enough for the whole week."

Amaya didn't respond, but my dad answered for her.

"Well, one didn't listen, and the other let themselves go. I'm not going to do anything, this is something you both need to sort out."

After that, we looked at each other, knowing what we needed to do, though it was hard to admit due to the embarrassment.

"I'm sorry for coming in without permission."

"I'm sorry for hitting you."

"I thought you were going to say something weirder."

"What else do you want me to say? I'm not going to lick your boots over something like that."

"Forget it, it's fine."

When she said that, I looked at her seriously.

"What are you looking at?"

"Was it something weird, right?"

"If you keep this up, I'll hit you again!"

"Calm down both of you. I know you get along, but eat before the food gets cold."

"Yeah…" we both said at the same time.

The dinner was a quiet one after that. No one commented on the food, which made me wonder if it was good or not.

"Is it good?"

"Yeah," Dad replied.

"Well, yeah. Why do you ask?"

"Because Riku made dinner today."

"Really?" He seemed surprised, though not as much as I expected.

"Yeah…"

Amaya also commented, but in a quieter tone.

"… It's not that bad," she said, glancing at her plate.

Though she didn't mean it badly, it made me feel like everything I do is destined to be bad, even though I've never had the chance to prove otherwise.

After dinner, I sat down to do the homework I had forgotten about. I could have done it while waiting for my dad, but instead I decided to watch TV and read, completely forgetting about the assignments. Sometimes I imagine how it would feel to forget everything, to have a blank mind. I think that would be the happiest day of my life.

Finally, I was reading in bed, with a book in hand. I was so into it that I almost forgot about the convention on Saturday, though I knew better than to get too excited because it might end up disappointing me.

"Can I come in?"

It was my sister. I figured she was going to ask me to sleep with her. I didn't mind, not because she was a girl, or my sister, or because I needed company, but because sometimes I can't help feeling alone at night.

"Yeah, sure, I'm not busy," I replied jokingly.

She came in without saying anything and sat down next to me, looking away, clearly embarrassed.

"Do you regret saying sorry?" she asked, as if unsure.

"Well, are you going to do the same thing as yesterday?"

"No… I realized what we did was really weird, especially considering our age. I just wanted to say good night, like always."

"If you don't want to do it because you think Dad would get mad or find it weird, don't worry. He knows we're not that type of people. Plus, it's not like it's something bad."

"Why are you so defensive? Did you enjoy it last night or what?"

"I was trying to talk seriously…"

Finally, my sister decided to sleep in her own room, but she sat on my bed while I was already ready to sleep. I had to put my book down for a while, but I figured I'd go to sleep soon.

"So, do you want to talk about something else?"

"Well… I was wondering what I could watch…"

"… And I'm not watching Re:Zero again," I said with a big smile and exaggerated excitement.

"Ugh…"

"I just want something to watch before bed."

"Would it be okay if it's a movie?" I already knew what she was going to say.

"Nah, go ahead."

"It's called 'I Want to Eat Your Pancreas.' It's my favorite movie."

"Is it anime? I've never heard of it."

"Yeah, it is."

She seemed satisfied with her answer.

"Well, I'm going to watch it now."

Before leaving, Amaya leaned over to give me a small hug. I feel embarrassed both asking for and giving hugs, but somehow, receiving one makes me feel better. Sometimes I feel a bit distant from her, so this little gesture reminded me that it wasn't true.

"Amaya."

"Yes?"

"I love you."

She smiled slightly, but didn't blush at all.

"I love you too."

In the end, we both smiled at each other. I didn't even know why I wanted a girlfriend when I valued a relationship like this much more.

That night, I didn't do anything else, I just went to sleep like usual, though it took me a while to fall asleep. If I had to guess, it took me two hours to finally get some rest.

I don't see anything. I am trapped. I feel nothing.

I can't feel my legs, my hands, my heart, nothing. My consciousness is swimming in a sea full of despair and uncertainty. I am scared.

When I was about to give up, I notice an even more repulsive sensation.

A hand, gently passing over my numb body, rising until it reaches my mouth, and one by one, it starts tearing out my teeth. I can't feel anything other than the pain of this, and the blood flowing down my throat and out of my mouth. I can't scream, I can't move, I can't see, I can only feel pain. After that, the hand grabs my tongue as if its fingers were pincers and begins to pull. At first, it's a gentle force, but soon it becomes a tearing force. I can feel every fiber of my tongue being destroyed while more and more blood flows out, but I never drown. Finally, the hand rips out my tongue. But it's not over. Even though I can feel the blood pouring from my mouth, it feels like it's killing me on its own, but not satisfied with this, the hand goes into my mouth, down my throat. From there, it starts tearing apart my body from the inside. I can't even tell which parts are being torn and ripped, the only thing I can distinguish is the feeling that even my soul is burning with a fire I will never be able to extinguish. After some time, the hand reaches my heart. It caresses it delicately, appreciates and adores it, before gently grasping it. By now, this was more horrific than anything it had done before, but then it tightens just slightly, and before I can feel more…

"AHHHHHH!!!"

I wake up, startled, from my bed, with the sound of the alarm in the background, my hand on my chest, and my head burning. My body, although it's never experienced anything remotely similar, remembers it perfectly. The next thing I can feel is something slightly acidic rising up my throat, I can't hold it back. I manage to look to the side of the bed, to avoid staining it…

...

I end up vomiting all over the floor. Just seeing it makes me hyperventilate, with unbearable pain in both my head and my stomach. I can also hear footsteps coming toward my room.

Amaya quickly enters the room.

"Are you okay—?"

As soon as she saw what happened, she immediately turned around and went to grab two buckets and a mop. When she came back, she handed me the bucket in case I needed to vomit again and started cleaning up the mess. I just stayed there, leaning my back against the bedframe, half lying down and half sitting, holding the bucket just in case.

When she finished, she placed her hand on my forehead to see if I had a fever or not, which was obvious, since it only took her less than two seconds to take my temperature. She then went back down and came back with a towel, a bucket of water, a thermometer, a glass of water, and pills. Without saying anything, she placed the thermometer on me and offered the pills.

"Did you take anything weird yesterday? Or go somewhere suspicious?"

I took the pills and the glass of water, swallowing them before drinking more water.

"No… I just woke up like this."

What bothers me the most isn't my head, but the feeling of discomfort throughout my entire being. It was a dream, but now I feel like I'm still in it. Why? Should I see a psychologist?

Beep, beep, beep!

The thermometer beeps, and my sister takes it off. She isn't standing; she's sitting in the chair she grabbed from the counter.

"40 degrees…"

After seeing the results, she grabs the towel, wets it in the water (which I assume is cold), and places it on my forehead.

"Let's see if this helps a little…"

Now I was fully lying down, and I felt like a typical anime character when they're sick, only now, I'm not just sick; I'm suffering. It even hurts to think.

Amaya decides not to go to class today since Dad is working, and she's not going to make him come home for this. She also doesn't leave my room. She gives me her hand, intertwining her fingers with mine. At first, I thought I'd feel just as bad as I did in my dream, but being able to feel her soft touch, gentle strength, and warmth that refuses to let me go makes me calm down a little, even though my head still hurts.

Before I know it, I fell asleep, and the entire time I was there, she didn't leave. Even if she was looking at her phone, she never stopped holding my hand. I'll thank her later and apologize as well.

This time, I didn't dream anything, or at least I don't remember anything I dreamed, so I think I slept well. After a while, I slowly started to wake up, and now my head barely hurt anymore, just a faint warmth on my forehead, nothing more.

"Are you okay now, Riku?"

As soon as she saw I was awake, she immediately asked how I was. I really feel bad for receiving so much positive attention. I don't deserve it.

"Yes… I'm—"

Amaya cut me off, throwing herself at me and hugging me tightly. I could also tell that the towel was no longer on me.

"I hope you're okay, you damn idiot!" I don't know if she was crying or not, but her voice definitely sounded pained and broken. "Don't scare me like that!"

When she said that, she started crying in a soft way. Was I looking that bad for her to be like this?

"D-Didn't I tell you! It's nothing that serious…"

"Yes, it is! While you were awake, your fever even went up a bit more, I was starting to wonder whether or not I should call an ambulance, but I decided not to when I saw you sleeping. But when you were asleep…"

She paused for a moment to wipe her tears and take a deep breath.

"You started recovering, but you looked horrible, pale, like you were scared… as if you were suffering…"

It hurts more seeing Amaya like this than what I dreamed before. She's worrying too much, isn't she? I don't know, but it must have been a rough time for her...

Since I'm feeling better now, I decide to try and calm her down and comfort her. I hug her, resting her head on my chest and gently stroking her hair. I don't know what I should be doing here, honestly. I'm just imitating what I've seen in shows and anime…

"It's okay now, it's passed."

"I didn't want to see you like that… I was scared… Please don't do this to me again…"

I know she's not blaming me, and I know it's not my fault, but I still feel bad. No matter how much I think it's not that big of a deal, if she's been this worried and has suffered so much…

I let her calm down for a moment while I hugged her, and when I felt her relax, I decided to stop hugging her. But just as I was about to remove my hands from her, she stopped me, saying she deserved to stay like that for a little longer. I didn't protest, I just obeyed and stayed like that for a little while longer.

When she stopped being needy, she sat back down in the chair near me.

"I'm sorry for acting like that…"

"No, no. It's fine, really."

She looked at me and smiled slightly.

"Hehe. Thanks."

I was about to think like a siscon, but I just can't hold this back!!! Why is my sister so cute?! How is it possible she doesn't have a boyfriend?! Not even any friends?!?!?! I hate life!!! Why is it so nice to me and so mean to her?!?! Traitor!!!

A stupid happy smile escaped me. Amaya didn't say anything about it. After a while, she left my room, but not before reminding me to call her if anything happened again. Well, now, what truly intrigues me…

Why did I dream something so fucking disgusting??

I can barely feel it now, but I sense as if someone or something has violated every part of my body. It's something that will be hard to forget, even though it was just a dream. Well, no, a nightmare. If this keeps bothering me later, I'll definitely need to see a psychologist. I'll try to forget it as soon as possible…

Along with this event, I was invaded by an extreme feeling of laziness and helplessness. I didn't want to do anything, I had no desire. It's like I'd spent all my energy today just in that dream.

Is it because I vomited?

I wasn't hungry, so I didn't know for sure. The rest of the morning was boring, I didn't eat, but I did drink quite a bit of water. My sister came to check on me several times to see how I was doing. It was literally like having a mom, maybe even better. I don't know how to repay her for everything she's done. This is the thing that makes me feel most helpless: Just being a burden. Today, all I've done is cause problems. In the end, I don't know how to make up for it.

Although I managed to forget this uncertainty by thinking about the convention again. Now that I remember, my cosplay outfit should arrive today. I'll give you a hint, it's the best character in all of fiction.

It was in the afternoon, nothing happened. I didn't talk to Amaya anymore, I didn't go out with my friends, though probably none of them could today. I didn't feel like doing anything, I felt empty. I didn't even have a reason to feel this way, I just felt this way for feeling this way.

I hope that =@º\' can at least go out tomorrow, or it will feel different. Though I'll probably just do what I always do. In the midst of my boredom, someone knocked on the door. I was feeling better now, so I went to open it. It was a package. MY package. As soon as I realized it, after closing the door, I couldn't contain my joy.

Thank god it's here!!!! I'm going to try it on right now.

And so I did. The package contained clothes, a tracksuit, and a black t-shirt. The tracksuit was black and orange. By now, I don't need to say who I'm cosplaying. As soon as I put it all on, I looked in the mirror.

"Alright, not bad. Just need to style my hair like him."

I'm not going to do it now, I would need hair gel, because with my hair…

This was the only remarkable thing of the day. It doesn't surprise me, I've probably said it a hundred times already, but if my life were a book, it would be incredibly boring. Most of the things I do are just for leisure, and I don't really do anything out of the ordinary.

I don't know how I could think I'd be fine living a life like this forever. What would I put in each chapter? "I went to school, came back home, played video games, read, and went to sleep"? Also, I don't know what I'm going to do with my life either, although I'll postpone that problem.

After dinner, I went to sleep. The only interesting thing that happened to me was having a horrible dream, which leaves much to be desired. I hope I don't dream something as unpleasant again.

Empty. A white emptiness. There was nothing. There was no one. Not even a "me." I knew I was there because I could see myself, but when I looked down, there was nothing. I knew I had a body; I could touch myself, and I was standing. I could move, run, jump, but I couldn't see any of those actions. I walked for a while until, in one of the thousands of blinks I must have made, an entire world appeared before me. It was a dirt path, with a beautiful grassy field to the right, and some beautiful flowers here and there. On my left, there was a beautiful forest, and I could feel as if there were thousands of creatures inside it that I had never seen before. The trees were not rigid; they had a soft surface, and the leaves were so similar to the flowers on the other side of the path. On the path, there were 4 silhouettes, which would be a crime not to recognize.

One was tall, maybe about 1.75 meters, moderately slim, but not in bad shape, though not muscular either. She had medium-length brown hair that reached just below her ears, slightly shining in the sunlight, nearly black eyes, and a regular face, by current beauty standards. Her figure radiated warmth.

To the left of this figure was another silhouette, probably around 1.65 meters, a bit broader, but not fat. He was in good shape, with notable muscles, though not exaggerated for his age—something very admirable on his part. He had short black hair, styled very simply, and was the most ordinary of the four, the least complex. He had entirely black eyes, and a somewhat robust face, but not unattractive. Additionally, there was a very light beard on his face, which you wouldn't notice unless you got up close. He'd need to shave soon. His figure radiated respect.

To the right of the first silhouette was another figure, shorter, around 1.60 meters or maybe a little less. She had a very thin body, but not malnourished—just enough to make you worry, but still healthy. She had almost black hair, though not completely, more comparable to the second figure's hair, but what stood out most was a blue-dark streak of hair covering her ear, which highlighted slightly but didn't ruin the overall dark tone of her long hair that reached halfway down her neck. You might even mistake her for a girl, but it suited her. Her appearance was a bit messy, but behind all that neglect, there was a beautiful and sweet image. Her figure radiated insecurity but with a tone of confidence.

The fourth figure was farther ahead, so I couldn't see her clearly. I decided to approach the three figures in front of me, tried to tell them to get out of the way politely, but they ignored me. I touched one's shoulder, and they didn't react. They just kept walking forward. I tried to move them by force, but I couldn't. Fed up with trying, I simply walked around them, crossing the grassy plain, and as I did, I ended up stepping on many flowers, though not long ago, there were very few.

Once I passed them, the forest to my left suddenly disappeared, and all that remained on both sides was a sea of flowers glowing with energy. It was a scene straight out of a fairytale. I felt like if I stared at the field any longer, I would break into tears. I decided not to focus on the scenery anymore and go after what I had come for: the figure ahead of me.

This time, it was a woman. She was of medium height, probably around 1.70 meters. She had black hair full of life, shining in an unparalleled way. It was long, reaching her shoulders, and at the ends, there were medium-length streaks of blue, slightly more vivid than the third figure's, though still dark. It was also dyed in a gradient, with more blue at the bottom. This maybe covered about a quarter of her hair, exaggerating a bit. As a woman, her entire figure would be judged, with curves that weren't perfectly toned, but not because she was overweight. She had an ideal weight, and it wasn't as though she looked bad. For those most disrespectful and undeserving, this figure didn't stand out either way in terms of beauty, but she wasn't humiliated. Just perfect enough to not stand out at all, but also not to be mocked. She had blue eyes that contrasted with her hair, and her face was quite decent, slightly above average.

I felt a thousand emotions from this figure, all positive. More than half of them, I don't even recognize.

I wanted to speak, but I couldn't. I wanted her to turn around, but I couldn't do anything. It felt like the distance between us was like the distance between Earth and the Sun. It was as though I were Achilles, trying to catch up to the tortoise, but I couldn't even start the race. But, when I least expected it, the woman turned to face me. As soon as she did, the wind began to blow lightly, and the flowers in the landscape displayed their grace once again.

"Will I seem disgusting?" "Am I pleasant enough to look at?" "Will she be scared to see me?" A thousand and one thoughts ran through my mind, but, when I least expected it, this figure hugged me. I couldn't move, I couldn't thank her, I couldn't reciprocate, I couldn't cry, I could only watch as she held me. In this situation, she was the one in control of everything, deciding when to stop, when to leave, when everything would end. And before leaving, she whispered something in my ear. It was a word, I know it was a word. But I don't remember what she said. What did she say? I think it's not worth losing my mind over it.

After this, the girl stopped hugging me, stepped back, and walked along the dirt path as the flower petals started to fall one by one because of the wind. I could only watch. I couldn't follow her. When I could move again, she was already gone, and so, desperate for someone to be by my side, I looked behind me and…

I woke up from the dream I was having. My alarm did it. It was strange because I had been hugging my pillow, as usual, but it was on the floor. I must've thrown it while sleeping.

When I arrived at the entrance, I only recognized two people, as the third one was on vacation at home. After greeting each other, we didn't say much more—not because we were angry, but because there wasn't much to talk about, though I did want to ask &$%"! if his parents had said anything to him.

I ended up talking to him during the break between the second and third classes.

"How's everything with the mess?"

"The mess?… Oh, right…"

"Did your parents say anything? I hope they let you go to the convention..."

"I explained exactly how it happened, and my dad said yes, though he didn't take it badly, and my mom even supported me, telling me I should've started the fight…"

If he can tell me this calmly and positively, I suppose he hasn't had many problems...

"What bothers me is the punishment... It's such a drag, though well, better than staying home."

"I can help you if you want, I don't mind staying late," I was about to say that, but I kept quiet. It sounded too emo.

"Have you talked to =@º\'?"

"Yeah, though he just said his parents were more upset with him than worried about his injuries, which weren't too bad, but it is weird that specifically his parents were so upset."

"Don't they usually do that?"

"It's not that they don't, but they usually worry more about him than what he's done. I'm not saying they're bad parents, at least they're not idiots. Mine are too good."

That was all we had time to talk about before the teacher came in. After that, the day was normal; we talked about anything that came up during recess and that was it. We also made plans to go out.

We had planned to meet early since tomorrow was the day of the convention, and we wanted to get there early. _¨*^?¿· said he wanted to do homework, so he didn't come. Honestly, I've always wondered if he really considers me a friend; I almost never talk to him, because he mostly talks to =@º\', so I guess he didn't feel like coming out today. Though he also doesn't go out much anyway…

"Amaya, I'm going out!"

"Good luck!"

After that brief farewell, I went to &$%"! 's house, and once he came out, we started walking without a set destination.

"Are you still doing cosplay, right?"

"Yeah, you won't guess who as…"

"You're going as Subaru, right?"

"… Am I that easy to read?"

"Well, if you base your personality on him, I figured you'd be the type. Now, what you usually say about being literally him, will be true."

Well, he's not wrong. It's not an obsession; it's extreme admiration. What can I do? He's the best fictional character; he's the best character in fiction.

"Well, what about you? Going as someone?"

"No, not at all. The only thing on my mind is to score."

"Really? You're trying to pick someone up?"

"At least I want to meet someone new."

"What a fag~"

"We both know I'm not, if anything, you're the one who looks more like a gay guy."

"Then why say you want to meet someone new?"

"Because I could make a friend, or even a girlfriend, but I'm definitely only admitting to girlfriends! You'd definitely try to pick up another Subaru!"

"If anything, I'd go for a Rem!"

"But Emilia's better!!! Plus, the ship is even canon!"

"The one with Rem could be too, if the author wasn't afraid of success!"

The whole hangout was based on silly or normal conversations, with a thousand and one things to talk about. It's nice to talk this way, though it's not like it's essential to me; I could go without speaking a word the whole day, and it wouldn't be a problem. During one of the jokes we were making, though, a sensitive topic came up, at least for me.

"… Well, your sister's hot."

"If you want to be four meters underground, go ahead."

"What's wrong? Do you think I'm going to commit suicide with her in a super romantic way??"

I sighed at his comment. "I don't know if that'd be so bad."

"Huh?"

"Well, I've told you several times that I'm worried about how my sister has been, always. If this were just from a few months ago, I wouldn't emphasize it as much, but…"

"Has she been more depressed lately or something?"

"No, I haven't noticed, and that's exactly what worries me. I think she might be hiding it all."

When I finished saying this, &$%"! put his arm around my neck while patting my chest with his other hand.

"I think you're worrying too much. She's always fine. It seems unreal, yeah, but it's true. Also, if she's not telling you anything, it's because she doesn't want to worry you, though I see that last part is a lie…"

"Maybe you're right, but I still want to think it's not that way."

"Why?"

"It's surreal, like you said. That's why I want to believe that if I go home now without any warning, I'll find her crying or listening to sad music or something like that, because I want to find her in a similar state. Otherwise, she won't reveal it to me, no matter how much I want her to."

"So, why don't we go?"

"Huh?"

"If you're that worried, let's go now."

I eventually agreed to his idea, and we went to my house. The journey took a bit of time because we had gotten farther from my house, but it didn't feel late when we arrived, plus we got so distracted that we forgot we were headed to my house, so it didn't feel burdensome. Once we arrived and I was about to open the door, &$%"! started laughing. At that moment, I had no idea if he was laughing at me or something of his own, but I didn't take long to realize, as soon as I opened the door, he shouted.

"My love!!! I'm home!!!"

Honestly, even I found it funny, though I knew how little fun my sister probably found jokes like that, especially coming from one of my friends.

Despite everything, my plan to surprise Amaya was probably gone by the wind, as she had probably found out, but in a strange way. First, we heard a light thud, but then…

BAM!

Another louder knock followed, coming from her room, of course, so she must have been scared by both the scream and the message. I don't blame her; having someone like &$%"! say that to you is enough reason to call the police, at least I would. To top it off, the best part is that she isn't the only one who got scared by it.

"DAMN!!!"

&$%"! got scared when he heard the knock, I guess because he didn't expect it, which seems normal to me, although I didn't expect that reaction either.

"What's going on, &$%"! ? Do you think a ghost has possessed your beloved, and now you're scared shitless?"

"What do you mean scared?! It just took me by surprise!"

"You don't have to be ashamed of being scared; you can hold my hand if you want. Or better not, it grosses me out~" I took the opportunity to mock him as much as I could, although in the end, I ended up with a red shoulder.

"If you don't stop, I'll make you stop. Period."

"Alright, dude, but it's not that big of a deal."

"Yes, it is!"

"But it's just a joke!!"

We were like this for a while, until we decided to go upstairs. Amaya hadn't left her room, so she must have caused some kind of trouble.

When we got to the door, for a moment, I hesitated whether to open it or not. I have no idea why, even &$%"! thought it was strange the whole time I had my hand on the doorknob without doing anything.

"Are you going to open the door already?"

"Ah, yeah, sorry."

"It's not like you have to apologize…"

I started to open it slowly, and when I got to the room, Oh no!! There was someone hanging from the ceiling! … Just kidding, although it was still something surprising, anyway.

Amaya was on the bed, curled up in one corner of it, and she was wearing a scarf wrapped around her neck, but that wasn't what stood out. Not too far from her, there was one of the blades of the ceiling fan on the floor, next to her chair. I wasn't sure what could have happened, but I was worried about what might have happened to her.

"Are you okay, Amaya!?"

&$%"! just looked behind me, probably surprised and confused.

I tried to approach her, but she spoke before I could.

"I was just lying in bed, and suddenly the fan blade fell…"

"Were you feeling sick?"

"Yeah, but it wasn't that bad…"

"Did you take something?"

"Yeah, a little while ago. I was feeling better now, though I thought about staying here for a little longer, and good thing I did…"

Luckily, the blade hadn't broken anything on the floor, nor her chair. When I looked at the fan, I saw that the blade had come loose from its slot, it wasn't broken or anything like that, it was just very loose. About 4 years ago, something similar happened to me. Ironically, I used to have this fan in my room, but since they bought me a new one, they decided to give this one to my sister since she didn't have one to begin with. It wasn't something that bothered her, though my dad must have trusted the fix he did to not throw it away. I don't know if it was worth it, to be honest, with the scare it gives someone… Well, at least it wasn't anything serious to call emergency services for, thank goodness.

I turned to talk to &$%"! .

"Well, in the end, it was kind of worth listening to you, but it's not like—"

"Riku, can I talk to you alone?"

&$%"! cut me off while I was speaking. I was going to make another joke, but I noticed that his expression was serious and worried together, for some reason. He grabbed my arm and pulled me outside Amaya's room.

"What's going on?"

He didn't respond until we got to my room, after closing the door. Amaya didn't follow us at all, probably out of respect.

"Don't you think this is pretty weird?!"

He didn't speak loudly, but he did sound angry.

"Yeah, it is weird, but it's something that has happened before, specifically to me. At least I'm grateful it didn't happen to her."

"I swear I'm going to slap you."

"W-why?"

"It's clear the fan blade didn't just fall on its own!"

When he said that, for a moment, I didn't know what he meant, but just thinking about it for a second, I understood perfectly what he was referring to, even though I didn't even consider it a valid option.

"Are you an idiot or what? How do you think that would happen?!"

"The question is why wouldn't it happen? It's obvious!"

"Are you the one getting paranoid now that my sister is thinking about those things?"

&$%"! sighed at my question, now more calm.

"Maybe, but are you sure she hasn't tried, you know…"

"Hang herself?!"

"I was trying not to be direct… Well, yeah, that."

"Then let me answer by saying no. I don't see Amaya doing that, which is normal, but she's not the kind of person who gets depressed easily, and she would never reach such a stupid and desperate solution."

It's pointless to dwell on that nonsense. Besides, if for some reason she was feeling like that, she would have talked to me already.

Amaya only opened up completely to me once, in terms of telling absolutely everything she felt, and that was when our grandmother died. She lived with us because my grandfather passed away even before I was born, and my sister didn't know him much, and even if she did, she probably doesn't remember. She was very little then. Despite this, our grandmother was very happy having all four of us at home, and the rest of us were happy to have her, especially my mom, who was her daughter. She kept herself very well, and not only that, but in my eyes, she was very smart and wise, like a scholar, and she was very kind, maybe even too nice to me and Amaya. Although just because she was kind didn't mean she didn't educate us. Amaya learned most of the household tasks from our grandmother, and she taught me, well, practically everything I know now, though the most important thing she helped me with was getting rid of my shyness, even if just a little.

I used to go with her every day to buy bread, at first holding on to her, never wanting to let go, scared of everything around me, looking at the ground, unable to speak, and when we got to the store, I couldn't even go in. Little by little, she helped me get rid of that fear, until I was able to enter the store, leave without holding her, look straight ahead without fear, and eventually, I was the one who bought the bread, although, of course, with my grandmother accompanying me. The last time I went to get bread, I went without her. She told me I could perfectly do it alone, and that she was just preventing me from moving forward.

Most of the memories I have from that time are blurry, but without a doubt, those were the best years of my life.

I was still a child, my sister played with me every day, school was very easy, I didn't have to study, and I passed everything, at home I didn't have to do anything, although sometimes I helped my grandmother with cooking or some tasks.

All of this changed when I was 8 years old. My parents had been hiding the fact that our grandmother might have cancer. She had been receiving treatment for a whole year to prevent it, but eventually, it appeared. It was liver cancer. At first, it was hard to accept, but we were able to have her with us at home for 4 months, going to the doctor for her treatments when needed. After those 4 months, she got worse, and they had to admit her to the hospital.

I used to go with my sister to visit her daily, and my parents also did when they had free time, especially my mom. Luckily, we were able to make sure she didn't feel alone. With her hospitalization came stronger treatment, they had to cut her hair because of the effects. The doctors gave her about 7 months to live, but only my parents knew about this, because how could they tell their children? The reason why all this stopped being good wasn't particularly because of this, because I was still happy, but what I did wrong happened 5 months after she was admitted, and I won't even think about it, just the thought disgusts me.

I can't bear to see it because I hate the me from that moment.

If I could go back, I would slap myself.

I hate it.

"Well, sorry for saying all that…"

"No, it's okay. Though I should be the one worried."

"Just because you're her brother doesn't mean others can't worry too."

"I know you just want to look good in front of me so I'll let you hit on my sister, but know this: if you do that, you won't be my friend anymore."

"Of course, that's when we'll be family."

After a brief silence, we both started laughing. At least the mood was back to normal.

After that, we went back to my sister's room.

"So, your sister is sick, and the first thing you do is make out with your friend…"

"What's the matter, do you want us to take care of you?" said &$%"!

"I'd rather the cold kills me than have you put your hands on me."

"Wow, looks like you're in trouble," I teased &$%"!

"Give me a month and we'll see."

After fooling around for a little longer, we picked up the fan blade and leaned it against a spot where it wouldn't get in the way. I'll tell my dad to fix it later. After that, my sister didn't want to lie down anymore. It was like the scare had cured her fever, and now she just had a runny nose. She still wouldn't take off the scarf.

"By the way, did you come just to annoy me, or do you want something else?" said my sister, in a slightly cheerful tone, though tired.

"No, we came just to annoy you."

"I came for that and for water, too."

"When did you ask me for water?"

"Never, I just got thirsty now."

"What an excuse... Well, if all this has entertained you, the door's calling you."

"Are you kicking us out already??"

"Yeah, I can't play in peace with two idiots in my room." Even now she's mocking us…

"Alright, alright, we'll leave your room then," &$%"! started to leave.

"Well, we'll leave you with your dating game, desperate."

"It's not a dating game!!! It's a serious novel that tells a moving story with realistic characters, and—"

I closed the door behind me, already outside her room, neither of us was willing to listen to her speech. Me the least, because I already know that what she says isn't a lie. &$%"! had gotten ahead of me, and was already in the kitchen getting himself a glass of water.

"You know my house better than your own…"

"Well, if I'm thirsty, I should get myself a glass of water, right?"

And he doesn't even deny it.

From there, the thirsty one and I went out for a bit longer, though that little while ended up dragging on since we decided to have dinner. We went to a fast food restaurant in the town that surprisingly does quite well. It was very entertaining; I didn't even have time to realize I had my mind turned off the entire time, which is why it was so good. When you forget who you are, or what's going on, you have more fun, especially when you bring together two 15-year-olds who share one brain cell.

I got home tired, not from him, of course.

I barely spoke to my sister since there was no topic of conversation, although I did ask my father about the fan.

"Did you check it already?"

"I'll check it on Sunday. If it's broken again, it's better to just replace it."

He came home earlier from work, even though I told him nothing had happened to Amaya. I don't know if it was a good decision for him, but since he came, I guess he didn't regret it. My dad was talking to my sister during dinner about what had happened. He was mostly confused because he was sure he had fixed it properly, maybe the fan just didn't have much left in it.

After dinner, I sat down to watch videos on the computer for a while.

I wonder if I'd break the streak of dreams today…

This has definitely been the most interesting week of my life, there hasn't been a single day where nothing's happened, and on top of that, there's the whole dream thing.

"…Is this a mental illness?" I said aloud, not talking to anyone in particular.

I wasn't sure, so what better thing to do than search for it on the internet? "Yes," it came up that it was a mental problem…

Well, for now, I'll wait until I've had a full week, then I'll see.

That's when I realized it'd be better to go to sleep so I could wake up well tomorrow. Hopefully, the excitement won't consume me during the night.

Thank God, I wasn't wrong, and I didn't take long to fall asleep.

Do I exist?

I'm surrounded by billions of buildings, it feels like I've been walking these streets for centuries, never stopping. They're always crowded. Whether it's day or night, there are always people, but not just any people, there are always groups. Whether it's two, three, or ten, there's always someone with someone. I don't know what they're talking about, I can't understand what they say. I can't see their faces, I can't look down on them. There are voices to which I can't even attach a body, with the tide of people around me.

He's with her, she's with that one, that one's with the other, everyone's with everyone. "Can I join?"

I ask a group, I don't understand what they say, but they sound annoyed.

"Can I join?" I ask another group. They completely ignore me. I'm alone. Why can't I be with anyone? Why?

Why won't they come closer to me? I want them to come closer...

Everyone is unique.

Each person has something different, whether it's in their clothing, in that undecipherable voice, in their expressions. Every now and then, I try to look at their faces, but I see everything black. Yes. Every time I look ahead, half of my vision goes black. If I look up, searching for the sky, I see nothing, the darkness consumes me. If I look down, I only see the ground, and the shoes of the people around me, but only that. And this is what I see the most. Everyone has different colored shoes, some wear boots, others sandals, some are even barefoot. That's when I realize that, everyone has shoes, no, no, not that, everyone has feet, everyone has legs, but me? I look down again, and I realize I'm wearing nothing, I have nothing, I'm nothing. But that's absurd, right? I'm here, and no one is occupying my place, so why don't I exist? What part of me exists?

I'm a white spot swimming in a black sea.

If I were a bird flying over the city, I'd see lots of people, but something that would stand out even more than the crowd would be that empty space. Is it really empty?

I don't know, I'm a pigeon.

Are you a pigeon, pigeon?

Yes, I'm a bird flying through the skies, in urban areas, searching for food scraps.

So what am I?

You don't know?

No.

You are nothing, at least that's how I see it.

I'm nothing? Impossible.

Yes, you're nothing, because I don't see anything, but I'm talking to something, right?

What do you mean?

That nothing is already something, because that nothing has a voice. And even if it didn't have a voice, it would still be something because it's something that exists.

How can nothing exist?

There exists the gap where nothing is, so therefore, that nothing in that gap is something.

So, do I exist?

When I ask that question, the pigeon flies away, flying into the horizon, one which I can't even see.

"Yes. You exist."

Someone speaks behind me, it's a familiar voice, but when I turn around, there's no one, no, this isn't right, there's literally no one. I turn around a thousand times, but I can't see anyone, that sea has dried up, there's not a drop of life on these streets, but I can see everything, the ground, the front, the sky, the buildings, the sidewalks, the benches, everything, I can see EVERYTHING. I raise my arm in front of me, I can see it, I see myself, I have a form that defines me, a body that's mine, is it mine? Do I really have a body for MYself? When I realize this, the truth is revealed to me. It is a body for me alone, yes. That's why no one will ever see it.

No one will ever know who I am, except for me.

"Lies."

A voice, a person, speaks to me, now from the front, I don't know who it is, but I know whose voice it is. And can he see me?

"I also know who you are."

When he said those words... I woke up from the dream.

My alarm was ringing, earlier than usual, marking the start of the convention day.

The first thing I did was completely ignore the dream, in fact, I didn't even remember that I had dreamt at all in the first place, so the first thing I really did was have breakfast, for the first time in a long time, with my father. I never wake up early enough to have breakfast at the same time he leaves for work, and even though it's Saturday, he still has to go. I feel bad, but it's not like I can change anything on my own. During the short time we were at the table, it was clear he was happy to have me there.

"So, someone's picking you up, right?"

"Yeah, &$%"!'s mom will pick me up in about 2 hours."

"So you've got time to get ready then."

"Better safe than sorry."

"Yeah, and well done."

It's normal for him to wake up early for this kind of thing.

"So, how's work going?"

"Well, it's fine. I do so much that I don't get bored, but I wouldn't mind a break. Maybe one day you'll take over for me," my dad said, smiling, and half-sarcastic.

"Hehe, as much as I'd like to, I couldn't."

He sighed. "Well, it is what it is."

"You like your job, though, right?"

"Yeah."

"You're probably the only person in the world who enjoys that kind of thing…"

My dad has the typical office job, if he doesn't have to work overtime, he works from 6 AM to 2 PM, but if he has to do extra or go to a "meeting," he comes back at 8 PM. Although I can't really know what he does, because he's very reluctant to drink alcohol, which I really admire.

He once told me he's only ever drunk alcohol twice, and both times were horrible, so not only will he never drink again, but he also hopes neither of us ever do, which I plan to honor.

After breakfast, I said goodbye to Dad, and went straight to shower, the bathroom was right across from my room.

Hope I don't wake Amaya with the shower...

Today, I'm not showering with music, the worst thing would be waking her up and having her come into the bathroom with a broom to whack my clean, naked body. Would she even have the courage to look at me naked without flinching?

I didn't dwell on it too much, and since I didn't want to waste time, I went straight to the shower. There's never a day I don't take a good shower, it always feels good, and it's a way to kill time in case I get bored.

Once I finished, I moved on to the most important part of this preparation.

I went into my room, grabbed a bag where it was kept, and headed straight to the bathroom.

A complete tracksuit, both jacket and pants, even the shoes, black with orange tones, a black t-shirt, and relatively strange hair, but it's possible to style it this way with a bit of gel.

And, when I finished, I looked in the mirror. I didn't hesitate to smile, maybe this was the happiest moment I've felt.

"It's…"

I tried to contain my excitement, but I couldn't, and instead of finishing my sentence…

"VICTORY!!!"

"My name is Natsuki Subaru. I'm a good-for-nothing, who can't think of anything better to do with his depressing life than go to a convention full of people just like him. I have no money! I don't know where I'm going! Only that where I'm going, unfortunately, won't be a fantasy world! Although I'll probably see Emilia-tan, or more than one. I wonder how many pictures I'll be able to take."

Making the most ridiculous poses for everyone, but fascinating to me, I started embodying what I thought was my idol's personality in fiction. Obviously, as soon as I realized what I had done, I was dead from embarrassment, even though no one had seen or heard me. I hope.

"Well, better forget about that nonsense."

I looked in the mirror a second time, and I really did look a little like him. I'm not exactly the same, I'm slightly thinner, and my face doesn't resemble his much, but that's where the magic of cosplay lies!

"I wonder how @$%! will react when he sees this amazing outfit."

You could tell I was excited, very excited, and I wasn't even on my way to the convention yet. The last thing I prepared was a black backpack, which matched the tracksuit, and looked like something he— I mean, I— could definitely carry.

"Worst case, I'll ask @$%! to take it for me…"

In the backpack, I had my lunch and snack, plus some loose food in case I felt like it, a 1.5-liter water bottle, and little else. I also planned to bring a fabric bag for the things I buy, along with all my savings— about 32,500 yen— though I won't spend it all, probably just half, and I don't even have anything specific in mind to buy.

Well, still half an hour before they come to pick me up…

I decided to pass the time by watching TV while I waited.

I didn't wake my sister, who, if she hadn't left her room, would still be sleeping. But I still went to take a look.

I opened the door slowly, so I wouldn't make noise, and yeah, there she was, lying on the bed. Not only had she taken off her blanket herself, but she was also sleeping on top of the pillow, which means two things: Not only did she fall asleep hugging it, but she also moved enough to end up lying on her back, on top of the pillow. She really reminded me of those scenes where a girl in pajamas is scratching above her belly button for some reason. Is my sister an NPC?

I decided to go in and approach her. She was still asleep, and she was really comfortable, you could tell. I was thinking of doing what a parent usually does in this situation, but just thinking about that made me feel sick. Not because it disgusted me, but because it's just weird…

And I'm the one who recently slept with my sister.

I completely regret doing it. Every time I think about it, I get this overwhelming feeling of embarrassment that doesn't stop until I forget it, and I've only remembered it a few times. Why did it happen suddenly?

"I'm leaving, Amaya."

I said this quietly, still troubled by her in my mind, and then I left the room, but not before covering her with the blanket, of course. I have to show a little bit of decency, at the very least.