Chapter 0.5: A white space

Soon after, I heard a beep, the sound of a car. They were already waiting for me. I didn't take long to leave and get in the car.

"You actually did it…"

"As if it's something bad!"

"Well, it's well done, kid."

"But it's just a bad hairstyle and a tracksuit!"

"Well, but it doesn't look bad, and he likes it."

"… I'll give you that."

"See?"

In the car, we started driving. I was impatient the whole trip. I hardly spoke; I just listened to music with my headphones, which is what I usually do. I love music. Even before we got out, near the convention, I could already see people in cosplay, which made me even more excited. Not long after that, I was able to get out of the car.

"At this rate, I thought we'd never get here," said @$%! This was because there was traffic on the way here, and we lost about an hour, although the time passed quickly for me, honestly.

"At least we're here, so excited!"

"Well, guys, have a good time!"

"Yeah!"

"Yeah!"

"… You really got into character…"

After that definitely unnecessary comment from @$%!, his mother left, leaving us at the entrance of the place. There was a long line, but it moved quickly, so we didn't wait much to get in. Even just being in the line, I could see tons of cosplays, some more elaborate than others, but they all had merit. I even saw one or two Emilias, and three Rems… This feels like a dream.

The first time I came here was similar, but I didn't dress up, and I couldn't take any pictures, not because everyone rejected me, but because I didn't have the courage to ask a complete stranger if they could take a picture with me. The only pictures I have are with the group, which is why I want a few individual ones.

Obviously, my main goal is characters from Re:Zero, but if I see someone I like a lot, I'll ask for a photo. In fact, as soon as I get in, the first Emilia I see, I'll ask for a photo, and if it's a Rem, I will too!

Well, at least that was my plan, which I didn't end up following, at least not at first.

"Come on, dude, go ask for the picture already."

"But, I don't know…"

"Don't tell me now you're shy!!"

"… And if—"

"And if my ass!" @$%! finished the phrase with a smack on my back, pushing me to ask the girl in Emilia cosplay for a photo.

"You're gonna go take a picture with her, because you're Subaru, right?"

"Don't use me against me…"

"Come on, come on, go go." He started waving his hand as if pushing me away from him, which is normal. At that moment, I decided. I cleared my mind, walked up, and even before I could speak, the girl noticed me and realized I was going to approach her.

"Oh, do you want a picture with me?"

"Ah, yes, if I could get one, I'd appreciate it."

"Yes! Of course!"

"@$%!!"

"Going now."

"Do you want me to pose in any way?" said the girl.

"Well…" There, I formed a pose that 100% identifies my character:

My left hand resting on my hip, and my right arm extended forward, making a peace sign with my hand.

"Is this okay?"

"Yes," she said, and she did the same pose I was doing, and when we were in position, @$%! took the picture.

"Thanks so much…"

"No, no, thank you!"

"Why?"

"You're the first Subaru I've ever taken a picture with, and I really like that!"

"Ah, um, well, it's nothing, and again, thanks."

She nodded and said goodbye. She wasn't alone; she left with a group of friends.

"Bro, you're lucky that chick was nice, because you talked to her like crap."

"But I didn't say anything weird!"

"No, but you've acted REALLY weird!"

"A-a what do you want me to do???? I was nervous!"

"Ahhh, it's not my fault that you're such a wimp."

"Your dad is the wimp!"

"Oh, really?"

We were struggling, but not in a bad way, we were just messing around, even laughing.

But while we were doing that, someone came up to us, well no, more like, they tapped me on the shoulder.

"Excuse me…"

I stopped what I was doing and turned around. "Y-yes?"

It was a girl dressed as Rem, and behind her was what seemed like a friend of hers dressed as Ram.

"Can we take a photo with you?"

"Oh, sure, for-"

"You've hit the jackpot, man!" said &$%!" quietly, behind me.

"Shut up."

"Well, do you want me to take the picture?"

"Yes, if you don't mind," said the Ram.

Both of them seemed even older than me, although of course, shorter than me. Is it that hard to find a girl as tall or taller than me? Anyway. After we arranged ourselves, he took the photo. I didn't know how to pose, so I just did a peace sign with my hands. After the photo, the girl dressed as Rem spoke to me.

"Um, well… Let me figure out how to say this… Could we take a photo now with our hands up?"

"What do you mean?"

"The 'Victory' pose of Subaru," said the Ram.

"Oh, that one. Well, yeah, I don't mind."

"Really!?" The Rem girl jumped with excitement, probably not realizing, because she quickly turned red and covered her face.

"S-sorry."

"No, it's fine."

After that, both of them shook my hand, and we raised our arms to the sky.

"Say: Victory!" said &$%!" in a tone bordering on teasing.

"Victory!"

"Vi-Victory!"

"Eh, Victory!"

We all said it at the same time, but each of us in a different way. How embarrassing...

"Well, thank you so much!"

"No, thank you both."

When I said that, the Rem girl smiled shyly. "No, I didn't do anything." Although the one dressed as Ram put her arm around the neck of the "Rem" girl, giving a thumbs up with her hand.

"You're welcome!" said Ram. She literally sounded just like Ram, with the sarcastic tone and adjusted voice. In the end, I just went with it.

"No no, the pleasure is mine!" I said in a gentleman-like but joking tone, putting my hand over my chest.

"Pfff, you're so silly," said Rem, quietly, although we all heard her perfectly. I chuckled a little, but covered my mouth out of reflex. After that, they both said goodbye and left, thanking me once again. I honestly didn't think anyone would come up to ask for a photo...

"... And it hits the post!"

"And what do you say now?"

"It was so close to scoring! But his cowardice made him hit the post!" said &$%!" in a commentator voice, pretending to hold a microphone. The girls must have heard it, because they turned around a bit and chuckled.

"Shut up already, damn it!"

"But you're pathetic, how can I not laugh at you?" He didn't sound serious, not at all, he was cracking up, and it's not like I was offended, but it did annoy me.

"And what do you want me to do, ask for their number like a weird guy?"

"Well, you could've done it, I was about to do it if you hadn't started with the 'Oh no, thanks to you' nonsense."

"Well, if I see them again, I'll do it, let's see if that shuts you up!"

"Then go after them right now!"

"Um… I'm not doing that."

"Then you're a failure!" he said, pointing at me.

"I'll do it if I bump into them again!"

"On top of life feeling sorry for you, you let the opportunity slip by," not only did he say it sarcastically, but he was also laughing.

I didn't even want to respond, I just sighed.

The morning went relatively well, we saw everything there was in the place, which wasn't little, but I couldn't take any more photos, and no one came to ask for them. Although we didn't get bored, we were both just messing around the whole time, I never had time to think about anything, we were either looking at figures or laughing about silly things. &$%!" is the only person I feel is actually my friend.

I feel very distant from the rest, more like classmates I occasionally hang out with, not that I don't care about them or anything, but I don't think I would call them "friends" in some cases. Well, I don't even know where the line is between acquaintances and friends, so it's not like I can judge them.

For lunch, we went to a fast food restaurant inside the convention, luckily, the prices weren't inflated, so we got a pizza for both of us. After that, we planned to start buying things we liked, and I already had a plan for myself: a figure of Rem, Emilia, and Subaru, if possible, at least one, along with a Rem plush and a keychain from any other series I like, I'm not going to base it all on just one series, although I do want a lot from this one. I don't know what &$%!" is going to buy, though I'm sure it'll be something from Dragon Ball or Steins;Gate, he really likes both, I also enjoy Steins;Gate, but I can't say the same for Dragon Ball... Oh, by the way, I also plan to buy something for Amaya, especially either a Code Geass figure or one from Made in Abyss, she likes both a lot, and I won't ask for the money back, I'll just give it to her as a gift. Honestly, I want to see her reaction, since I've rarely bought her something outside of her birthday, and especially something as expensive as a figure worth around 6000 yen (about €37). I'm still amazed by the amount of cosplayers here, I want to take pictures, but I still can't quiet my mind enough to not feel embarrassed asking for one, although as soon as I get up from this table, I'm going to take 100 photos!

&$%!" decided to break the silence while we were eating.

"Okay, listen, I've got the perfect plan for you to stop being a loser."

"Thanks, man, how thoughtful of you," I said sarcastically, with a serious face.

"Am I not nice?" He responded in a casual way, even teasing me, hmm, how strange...

"Come on, tell me what you want."

"Well, let's go to one of the small stages we saw, where people were doing karaoke, and let's sing something. I vote... um... well... the opening of Code Geass, come on."

"Oh, you've seen Code Geass..."

"That's not what I want you to say! Yes or no?"

Honestly, I don't even know why he's asking me, he knows I'm not going to do it. I mean, if I can't even go up to one person to ask for a picture, how am I going to sing a song on a mini stage?

"Of course not!!! How do you expect me to do something like that!?" I got worked up without thinking, reacting as if he'd asked me to kill someone for money.

"By doing it."

"You're going to kill me with laughter, Mr. Comedy."

"Come on, it's just once, and it'll be good for you."

It's not like it was a death sentence, but to me it felt like one, though at the same time, he wasn't wrong about it being good for me. If I do it well, I'll definitely be able to talk to a stranger.

"No. I refuse. Not in a million years."

"And if I give you 1600 yen? (About 10€)."

"Let me take 5 photos and I'll do it," I offered, shaking his hand the second he mentioned money, and he shook mine with a brotherly force. And that was the start of Operation Get a...

"Alright! Let's start Operation 'Get My Loser Friend a Girlfriend!'"

With his usual crazy ideas, &$%!" said loudly that devastating attack against me. I could clearly hear 2 or 3 people laughing at it, although I don't know if they're laughing at the joke or at me...

"Hey, just so you know, you don't have a girlfriend either."

"Yeah, but I don't want one."

"Oh, so you'd reject a pair of tits?"

"No."

"Perverted."

"I know."

And that was the end of the conversation, &$%!" finished off the last two slices, having eaten about 6 slices of a large pizza, while I had 2, which was enough for me. I don't know how &$%!" doesn't gain any weight with all the food he eats, even though I eat nothing, and I should eat something like him since we both have similar metabolisms.

"Ah! With all this, I won't need to eat all day."

"With that amount of food, you might even lose weight."

"The worst part is that it might actually happen, who knows."

We had already paid, so we left the place, which was packed with people, so we were doing a favor to a duo that might want to sit at the table.

We spent the afternoon looking for people to take photos with, yes, with us both, since &$%!" also wanted to. It's not like he loves photos, but just like me, he likes having pictures with cosplayers. We didn't take long to find the first person, and since I was practically ignoring myself at this point, I didn't hesitate to ask for the photo, though I did it quickly and said as little as possible, unlike &$%!" After that, another came, then another, and we went to a stall where I found a huge prize, a GIANT one. They were 2 figures together of Emilia and Rem, both wearing the other's pajamas, Emilia in blue with gray polka dots, and Rem in gray with blue polka dots. Both were kneeling, and besides the figures, they were also on a themed bed with nods to other characters from the series, but with a colorful pajama theme. It cost 162,000 yen (€100), which, with the set's total size, the figures being about 20 cm tall, and the bed being quite big, was a total steal. I bought it without hesitation.

"You're crazy..."

"Just buying this makes it totally worth it to come here!!!" I couldn't be happier right now, and I couldn't contain my joy. "Although it's true that I'm only spending the figure money on my sister, that's it."

"What are you going to buy her?"

"A Code Geass figure, hopefully."

"Okay, if I see a nice one, I'll let you know."

He didn't buy anything at that stall, but later bought a Makise Kurisu plush. It was a normal-sized one, not the big ones.

"And with this, I'm satisfied!"

"Hope you don't make a hole in it, I can totally see you doing that."

"I'm not going to wreck the plush just for that!"

"Yeah, yeah, excuses."

We kept walking aimlessly, besides asking random strangers for photos, and that's what we did for a while. I managed to take photos with 2 Emilias and 3 Rems, a record I didn't even think I would make. Unfortunately, we still hadn't run into the two girls, though honestly, I don't even know why I care. While we were walking near a stage, you could clearly see &$%!" intentions when he looked at it.

"I think it's time, right?" he said with a somewhat excited tone, pointing at the stage where a person was singing while looking at the lyrics of a song. I sighed when I heard his request.

"... Just so you know, you owe me money."

"Yeah, yeah."

We both headed towards the spot, in front of the stage there was a decent group of people either singing or cheering for the guy, about 30 or 50 people, at least. We went to the side of the stage where the people running the place were. There were about 3 people in line, although I didn't know if they were in a group or not. Fortunately, when the person on stage finished singing, the 3 of them went up after telling the person in charge which song they wanted to sing. Once they started, at least half of the audience sang along. Soon, it was our turn. The person in charge spoke to us.

"Hello, what song are you going to sing?"

"Ah, yeah, we wanted to sing the first opening of Code Geass, 'Colors' by Flow."

"I'll look it up right now..."

During the brief time they were typing and searching for it, &$%!" and I just looked around, with him excited and me a little tense. But honestly, the fact that we were singing Colors was exciting for me, it's one of my favorite openings.

"Okay, got it, I'll put it with lyrics, is that okay?"

"Yes, please."

"Alright, you can go up now."

We both went up the steps to the center of the stage, where there were 3 microphones, though someone took one while we were preparing, so we each had a mic. I couldn't believe I'd find myself in this situation, with about 40 people staring at me, and many more who would hear me sing as they passed by. Before I could get nervous, the song started.

I'm going to do my best, I've sung it many times in the shower after all…

"Jinbun wo! Sekai Saemo, kaete shimae sou na!" I sang the first line.

"Shunkan wa, itsumo sugu soba ni!" He sang the second.

Then, we both sang together for the rest of the song.

It was amazing, almost the entire crowd was singing along with us, and about 20 more people came to watch us sing. Honestly, I don't regret going up there. I was super nervous but felt so excited. When the song ended, everyone clapped. I never thought so many strangers would act so kind and energetic.

"It was freaking awesome!" I exclaimed once we got off the stage.

"I told you it would be great!"

"I'll tell you right now, you don't need to pay me anything, it was totally worth every second."

"Well, something I save, hehe."

Not only was my mind blank, but as a result, I felt like I was living in the moment, like I wasn't being followed by a camera watching "me" live my life.

It took me a while to calm down, not in the sense of being nervous, but in the sense of feeling happy and "neutral," which is a good thing. During the time I felt that way, I felt like another person. Not only did I laugh more than usual and might have seemed more silly, but I also opened up to people more. Several people asked me for pictures, and some asked if I was acting, especially a girl dressed as Emilia, which I obviously denied. The only thing I find strange is that I didn't ask for anyone's contact, or that no one asked for mine, but my phone is full of photos, and that's something I'll never forget. Also, by the way, I was able to buy a figure for Amaya. It was of Lelouch, dressed as a student, but with Zero's cape, holding his mask with one hand, and with the other covering the eye he used to activate his Geass. If I liked the figure already, I can't imagine how my sister will react.

When I finally calmed down, the atmosphere was darker, it was already late, and it was almost time to leave, though we still had 30 minutes left, so we decided to take one last walk around the place.

"Ah… to think it's going to end…"

"Though it's clear we had a good time, right?"

"Yeah, of course, but I'm exhausted…"

"Yeah, but you'd do it again."

"That's a given."

We had been walking all day, so it was normal that we were tired. The way I was going to sleep tonight is brutal, I don't think it will take more than 3 seconds for me to fall asleep as soon as I hit the bed.

In the middle of our conversation, which was now more normal, someone caught my attention, calling me from my left and then tapping me on the shoulder.

"H-hello!"

"Hey!" I raised my arm to greet the girl who had said hi. She was dressed as Rem, and behind her was a Ram, who I assumed was her friend. Wait a minute…

"Do you remember us?"

"You already asked me for a picture, right?"

"Yes! It was this morning, and actually, I wanted to ask you something..."

Behind her, the girl dressed as Ram was wearing a teasing smile, probably finding it funny how nervous and embarrassed the Rem in front of me was.

"Yeah, what did you want then?"

"Could you… give me… your phone number?"

Behind me, I could already feel someone was about to say something inappropriate, or at least holding in a tremendous urge to laugh.

"Sure, of course."

It didn't take me long to give it to her, though I was nervous because, well, I don't need to explain, right? Just saying I'm a virgin should be enough.

"Ahem, and, what's your name?" I asked the Rem.

"Izumi, my name is Izumi..."

"I'm Ayame, alright, the question wasn't for me, but I should answer if she answers too."

"Don't call me 'this!'"

"Hehe."

They almost seem like sisters, well, maybe they are.

"Well, I'm Riku, and the guy behind me is &$%!"

"Do you know I can say it perfectly fine too, right?"

"Yeah, it's just that I didn't feel like hearing you."

"What's wrong, are you hitting on me now?"

We were messing around for a moment before going back to the conversation.

"So, where are you from?" Izumi asked.

"From )#=¿!?"·(, we're both from there."

"Ah, I think that's far from us," Ayame answered.

"Well, we'll talk in the chat."

"Yeah."

We talked for a while with them before leaving. We looked like a group of four who had known each other for years, and it was funny that &$%!" stood out because he wasn't dressed up. We talked more about ourselves and the experience there. They said they hadn't been to these kinds of things before, and they both enjoyed it a lot, especially Izumi, who supposedly is shy and embarrassed. They also told me they were sisters, Ayame being the oldest at 16, and Izumi the youngest at 15, the same age as &$%!" and mine.

"Goodbye!"

"Bye bye!" Both of them waved as they said goodbye.

"We'll see each other next time, right?" Ayame asked.

"Yes! Of course!" &$%!" replied.

"Take care!" I said.

It didn't take long for &$%!"'s mom to arrive, and as soon as we got in the car, we both collapsed.

"Feels so good to sit down!"

"Looks like it was a busy day."

"Yeah, but we did a lot of things," I responded.

"By the way, mom, I haven't had dinner yet, in case you already had."

"No, not yet. Do you want to go somewhere?"

"No, I want to eat at home, I'm too tired to walk more than 10 seconds."

"So how are you going to get into the house?"

&$%!" had been talking to his mom the whole trip, he was in the passenger seat, and I stayed behind listening to music.

From a certain moment in the convention, I got used to wearing this tracksuit, with this hairstyle, I even acted like him, but it felt so natural… It was beautiful. I can't wait to go again next year. I'm not sure if I should go with the cosplay or not... No, I have to go with the cosplay. I'll convince &$%!" to dress up as Otto or Emilia, that would be funny. Half of the photos I have with Emilias are of guys, I think it's hilarious just thinking about it... How much time do I have left to enjoy this? We still have 2 years of high school, and after that, we'll probably go to the same prep school. For me, it's to see if I find a job I like, and study from there. But 2 years, huh? I feel like I'm still a kid. No, I'm still a kid, just that time flies. When will I realize, in 2 years, how quickly time has passed? Even if I say this, it's still a lot of time, and it's not like everything ends the moment I graduate. It scares me, but there's a future I have to face, and although I don't know what it is, I know I'll move forward through it, no matter how hard it is or how sad I am. There are many days I get depressed, but that doesn't mean I'm not happy, or that I have depression. Not at all. If I could keep my life this way, I would, but things change, everything changes. I can't stay still. But I can't change myself, but not change who they see as "me." I want more people to know who I really am. Today I got lucky, but honestly, would I have met someone in a year if Izumi and Ayame hadn't come back? How long had they been looking for us?...

Then, I started to feel my eyes closing slowly, but I didn't process it.

I…

And at the moment, I closed them completely.

...I don't want to grow up.

I didn't want to get up, I was tired from walking so much, something inside me says I should wake up, but I just don't want to, I don't mind sleeping in a car, I just want to sleep a little more, even if someone is…

"-Ku, wake up, let's go."

"Eh?"

"Look, you're alive after all."

"Did I fall asleep?"

"Yeah, but don't worry."

I quickly stood up, mainly because of the discomfort. I didn't waste time grabbing my backpack and the bag with all my things.

"Thank you so much for bringing me here." They had dropped me off in front of my house, they really didn't need to go through the trouble.

"No problem, by the way, is anyone home?" Asked %&$"!'s mom.

"My dad should still be working, but my sister will be in her room."

"You have keys, right?"

"Of course."

"Okay, well, have a good night."

"You too."

"Goodbye."

"Goodbye, Riku."

"Goodbye!"

I closed the car door, and they drove off.

The night was quite bright because the moon was full. I walked up to the door to open it while taking out the key. There's a streetlight above the door that turns on automatically when someone passes by, so I can see the door perfectly. I took out the key and opened it.

I'm going to surprise Amaya…

Inside, all the lights were off, so I guessed my sister was probably playing some game or doing something of her own. Upon entering, I turned on the entrance light, took off my shoes, and closed the door behind me.

Then, I went to the living room, where I briefly placed the box with my figures on the table, and opened the box with the Lelouch figure. I planned to go upstairs to my sister's room and surprise her with the figure, like this:

"Surprise! Amaya, look what I brought you!"

"Ah! No way, is it for me?!"

"Yeah, I'm giving it to you."

"THANK YOU SO MUCH RIKU!!!" And she would smile, jumping up and down, holding the figure, looking at it excitedly.

Ahhh, I can't get that image out of my head now…

I grabbed the figure and started slowly climbing the stairs, trying not to make too much noise while I climbed. When I reached the top, I turned on the hallway light. I didn't want to use my phone's flashlight, so I was willing to risk her noticing I was home. I slowly walked down the hallway, just in case, and soon reached her door. I assumed she was asleep since I didn't hear anything. If that's the case, I'll enter slowly and wake her up with a surprise. I grabbed the doorknob and opened the door carefully. When the light illuminated part of the room, something that shouldn't have stood out at first, it did.

Amaya was lying on the floor, facing the door, her feet pointing toward me, but when I looked further, that's when I noticed what truly didn't fit. Her lying on the floor wasn't normal, but her hands were covered in—

"—Blood?"

I whispered those words unconsciously.

Her hands were covered in blood, but it wasn't just her hands, her entire shirt was soaked in it, especially around her neck. No, it wasn't just her neck being stained with blood; the blood was coming from her neck.

Time seemed to stop for a moment. My body was reacting unconsciously, I was pulling out my phone, but I couldn't process it, what was happening? I didn't know if it was real or not, but the hallway light kept revealing the scene more clearly. There was a knife. Near one of her hands, there was a knife. While blood was still pouring from her slit throat, I was there, frozen, holding the phone in my hand. And when I finally reacted…

What? What is this? Is this a joke? A bad dream? This is not funny? What the hell is this? What the hell is happening? Who did this? This isn't real, no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no.

It's just a dream, a bad joke, it's not real, it's not real, it's not real, it's not real. Amaya's not like this. Amaya is my sister, Amaya is my sister. My sister is strong. My sister is very strong. The strongest in the world, nothing can defeat her. Nothing can defeat her, nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing! No, no, it's not her, it's not her, it's not her, it's not her, no—

While my mind was racing with thousands of thoughts in a single second, my gaze landed directly on her face, on my sister's face, on Amaya's face.

She was pale.

She had purple bags under her eyes that stood out more than her actual eyes.

Her eyes.

Her eyes.

Her eyes.

They had no light.

"AMAYA!"

I lunged toward her as fast as I could, throwing myself onto her, dropping the figure from my hands. I focused for a few seconds on her wound, but then I realized I had my phone handy. I turned it on.

My hands were shaking. It was hard for me to dial 110, but I did it. They answered the phone immediately.

"Aqu—" I interrupted the person I was talking to and didn't waste a second telling them everything I needed to say.

My address was the first thing I said.

"I'm on the first floor, Amaya is…" My voice was trembling, I couldn't even hear the other side of the phone because of the ringing in my ears.

"Please, send an ambulance!" I begged in a pathetic way, and as soon as I said that, I threw the phone on the floor to look at Amaya.

Blood, Blood, Blood, Blood, Blood, Blood, Blood, Blood, Blood, Blood, Blood, Blood, Blood, Blood, Blood, Blood, Blood, Blood, Blood, Blood, Blood, Blood, Blood, Blood, Blood, Blood, Blood, Blood, Blood, Blood, Blood, Blood, Blood.

My attention was entirely on her wound. Blood was still pouring out, it was warm, Amaya was still… I can. I can do it. I'm not going to give up. No, NO, NO

I'm going to save her. Yes, YES, YES. I'm not going to leave her, I'm her brother, I'm her brother and I'm going to help her, I'm her—

"You're her killer."

A white place. Everything around me was a white place. I was in that white space, on my knees, helping her. My hands. My shirt, my face. For some reason, I was stained with small drops of blood, but my hands were covered in it. A white place. I don't know what this is, what is this? And Amaya? "Amaya!" I screamed her name while looking at the ground, shocked and angry, I looked at the ground, looked at the ground. AMAYA AMAYA AMAYA AMAYA AMAYA AMAYA AMAYA AMAYA. A white place. Everything around me was a white place. I was in that space. He was in that space. He was standing in front of me. WHAT DID HE CALL ME?

"Where is Amaya?" I was, at the very least, desperate.

"I didn't take her anywhere, it was you." It was me, me, me, me.

The person in front of me was looking at me while I was on my knees, after shouting that question. A white place. He wasn't wearing the same clothes as me, but I had seen those clothes before. A white place. I recognize that hair. A white place. That gaze. A white place. That voice. A white place. What the hell did he just say?

"Amaya…" He sounded desperate.

"She's dead."

"GIVE ME BACK AMAYA!"

I tore my voice apart, got up, and punched him in the face. I punched him again and again. I was out of my mind. Each time I punched, I felt nothing, one after the other, and another, and another, and another. Amaya, Ayama, Ayama, I couldn't stop repeating that name. I was going to kill him, he had a disfigured face, and when I was going to punch him again…

A white place.

I'm on my knees, looking ahead. At a white horizon. Someone is in front of me, there he is. I wanted to kill him, I was going to kill him, I had killed him, but he's here… wait, I can't move. What? How? Why? Why? Why?

"Such manners. Is this how you greet someone?" He had an angry, annoyed voice, but his face had a calm expression. He was a young man, just like Riku, maybe too much like Riku.

"Bah, whatever, I've already punished you for being so wild. Well, tell me, where's your excuse?"

What excuse? I don't care. Amaya, give me Amaya. I'm going to save her. She'll be okay. She will—

"She's dead!" He said, laughing hysterically before saying it.

Shut up.

SHUT THE FUCK UP, YOU SON OF A BITCH. WHAT THE HELL DID YOU DO TO AMAYA? GIVE HER BACK... I WON'T FORGIVE YOU, YOU FUCKING PIECE OF SHIT, BLOW ME, EAT SHIT, YOU IDIOT, WHAT DID YOU DO TO AMAYA?

He kept laughing, while Riku was kneeling, unable to move. No matter how much he tried, he couldn't. He couldn't even move his face to show the rage burning inside him.

"Doesn't it seem funny to you? Why are you angry? I haven't done anything, I'm clean! Impeccable! Officer, I'm innocent! It's funnier the more you think about it!"

He exaggerated his hand gestures every time he paused, then calmed down.

"I see you don't understand what's going on here, and you don't understand your position either. Ahhh, yeah, it's a shame, a real pity, what a disappointment, how painful! Thank goodness a kind soul came down to tell you everything, but, well, if you're going to get this furious, I'll have to knock you out so you can actually listen to me."

Riku was still losing his mind, his brain a jumble of uncontrollable emotions he couldn't release in any way. He was trapped in a cage, a shell, a shell of flesh that refused to follow his orders. Kill, kill, kill—was all he could think.

"Although I can't knock you out, because if I do, what do I gain?"

He thought for a moment, putting his hand on his chin.

"I've got it! Yes, yes, I'm a genius, I'm a genius! Well, sorry my friend, but since you won't cooperate, I'll have to take you out of this world. Don't worry, because…"

I WON'T ABANDON YOU.

He smiled from ear to ear, in a grotesque manner.

A black space. Riku was there, not seeing anything, not because he couldn't, but because he didn't want to see. He wanted to close his eyes, didn't want to see, but couldn't do anything. He couldn't move at all. The only thing he could do was look.

His sister's body. That was the only thing he could see. The fleeting liveliness of her blood. Her body lying on the cold ground. Her lifeless eyes. Her throat completely torn open. Everything. He saw everything and nothing at once. He saw everything because that was the definition of "Everything" for Riku. He saw nothing because there was nothing left of that "Everything" Riku believed in. There was only a piece of flesh that resembled that whole. He didn't want to accept it. He didn't want to face it. But it was enough evidence. Though her body was still warm and her heart still beating, it was too late, Riku thought. Little by little, he could move his eyes, just his eyes. He didn't shut them directly. He closed them very slowly, but the more he closed them, the more he heard that word.

Murderer, Murderer, Murderer, Murderer.

That word repeated in his mind endlessly, ringing one after another, on top of each other.

No, no, no, no.

The only thing Riku could do was deny it. He couldn't do anything else. But he had to close his eyes, so he kept going. He continued, and when he closed them…

"Hello."

He was in front of Riku again. The voices had vanished.

I wasn't the one.

"Don't try to escape from it," he still had a faint smile on his face.

I didn't do it...

"You did everything."

I wanted to help her...

"You killed her."

His words echoed in Riku's ears, the only thing he could hear. When he heard them, he tried to cover his face, but when he did, he felt warmth—not from his hands, but from the blood on them. His face was stained with that blood. Standing, Riku collapsed, dropping to his knees, using his hands to stop himself from falling completely.

"Oh? Now you're going to get on all fours? Come on, I'm just telling you the truth." He spoke to Riku in a relatively kind tone, although it was clear he didn't intend to show any pity.

"I… with my own hands..."

When he heard Riku say that, the smile on his face grew even more intense.

"Yeah, you did it yourself. It was a show! Although it took you a while to do it. But, you know, it's ironic. Why are you trying to run away? Why can't you look her in the face? Honestly, how can you fall twice for the same stone? You're going to abandon someone you love again, and you don't care? You can't even see what you're doing wrong? How is—" As he kept speaking, Riku began to remember, "...Fall twice for the same stone?" he thought unconsciously.

Ah, that's right, I... abandoned my grandmother.

When they had to admit her to the hospital, time passed, and I went to visit her. They had shaved all her hair, she looked paler, and she was skinny. My mom had already warned me not to go in, but I did it anyway. As soon as I saw Grandma like that, I yelled at the doctor to take her out of there, to take out all the tubes they had stuck in her, to put her hair back, to return her body. My mom started shouting at me in tears to stop saying those crazy things, that I had decided to go in, and if I was angry about that, then I was a fool. That's when I started seeing my mom differently. No, that's when I started seeing the truth. Grandma tried to calm me down, called me, saying she was fine. I told her she couldn't be like that, to come home, but she said that was her home now.

I started shouting at her, asking why she didn't want to come home, why she wanted to stay here. She said that's how it is, and that she couldn't change it. And then… I...

"Yeah, you told her she was an idiot who didn't love her family, you told her you hated her, and ran out of the hospital. Your sister followed you, trying to talk to you and calm you down, but you rejected her, told her to leave you alone, that you never wanted to see Grandma again. You were like that for a whole month. The anger didn't last long, but the resentment stayed, you barely spoke to your mom, and with the little patience she had left, she yelled at you almost daily. There wasn't a day you didn't have a problem with her. Then poor dad had to listen to your mom complain, even though he hadn't done anything, but he had to listen to her say that she would send you to a boarding school or a monastery, her youngest son. Everything changed when, after a month, your mom had to go out to do the shopping but took longer than usual, and later, you found out what happened. Your grandmother had died. You didn't want to leave your room for 4 days, and you only came out for one thing…"

Suddenly, he wasn't in that place anymore; he was just remembering, remembering that moment from 5 years ago.

Someone was knocking at my door. I was locked in my room, playing with my tablet, just like I always did as a kid. If I wasn't with my tablet, I was playing with some toy. I didn't answer, but the one who knocked decided to come in, even though I'd told her hundreds of times to leave me alone. There are many things I've said to my dad and sister that I regret, and that I've apologized for, but it still bothers me every time I think about it, it churns my stomach.

"Riku…" My sister said, leaving the door half-open and peeking in.

"Leave me alone—" I replied in the angry, unwilling tone I had every time I was locked in my room.

"Please!" She begged, with clear sadness and fear in her voice. I didn't answer, I let her stay. It was the first time I heard her so hurt, with such a weak voice. Even as a child, I knew she was in pain.

"…

"A-a… You know what I want to say now, right?"

"… Yes."

She wanted to help me, even though she didn't know how. She wanted to pull me out of there and have her younger brother back. I turned my back to her at that moment. I didn't want to look at her—not out of disgust, but out of fear. I didn't want to see her face. I didn't want to see if she was mad at me for acting that way. I thought she was going to hurt me.

Sometimes when we played, we'd hit each other, obviously not intending to hurt anyone, though sometimes someone went too far. But soon we'd fix it and start hitting each other again. When mom saw us like that, she'd get mad at both of us, but Grandma never stopped us when we got like that. She knew it was just a game, that we were enjoying it. Sometimes she even caught me off guard and tickled me.

I never expected her to do what she did that time. She didn't say anything after I told her "yes," I closed my eyes, preparing for the worst, but...

"...Why?"

She lunged at my back, asking a question, and as she clung to me, she began to cry. The door was closed, so our mom didn't come up to pull her away from me. She held on to my shirt tightly while she cried uncontrollably. It was heartbreaking. Hearing her cry was horrible. Her voice so fragile, so broken, a sob so desperate...

"I... I don't know..."

I started crying with her. I hadn't shed a tear since my parents told me what happened. I didn't want to, but at the same time, I couldn't. I kept distracting myself so I wouldn't think about it. But when I saw my sister like that, I couldn't stop thinking about Grandma. And when I thought of her, one image came to mind: The last time I saw her was when I got angry with her. What impression did I leave on her? Does she hate me? Did she leave thinking I was a bad child? I thought. And when I realized all this, I began to cry. I didn't speak during that time, but my sister babbled many things. Some I understood, others I didn't.

"I don't want to lose you too! ... Please, don't leave me alone..."

Don't leave me alone.

When we calmed down, my sister told me one last thing about the subject.

"By the way, I wanted to tell you something else, but mom told me not to, so don't say anything, okay?"

"Ah, okay..."

"Well, about Grandma, it's about her last moments. You don't mind hearing it, right? Actually, it concerns you."

"Y-yes! I want to hear it," I said, mostly out of fear.

A thousand thoughts and words crossed my mind, all negative. Surely Grandma was mad at me and left with a grudge. Why did I have to act like that?

"I wrote it down in a note. Do you want me to read it, or do you want to read it yourself?"

"I'd prefer if you read it to me..."

"Okay, well, here it goes... 'Riku, forgive me for being like this. I don't want to be this way either, but I have to be. I'm sure you understand why. You're very smart after all. And the fact that you care so much about me makes me want to cry, but I won't, I don't want to make you sadder than you already are. I love you. I could never be mad at you, especially knowing what a good person you are. Take care of your mother while I'm gone, and be good to your sister. I just hope you'll visit me from time to time.'"

My sister finished telling me the words my grandmother supposedly said, but it felt as if she were saying them to me at that moment, as if she had come back just to say those last words to me.

"Grandma..." I didn't take long to start crying, though my voice already sounded hurt. I lunged at my sister, hugging her tightly while I cried uncontrollably, gripping the back of her shirt.

"Forgive me, Grandma! ... I... I... I'm sorry..."

I didn't cry for long, but I stayed like that with my sister for quite a while, her comforting me as best as she could. She didn't cry again, she was more concerned about taking care of me. The feeling of her hand moving through my hair, that sensation calmed me. It calmed me to feel her warmth. It calmed me to feel her arms around me. It calmed me just to know that I was with her. It felt like my body was floating in space, a warm space, with an infinity of shining stars... A dazzling space, radiating with energy, a place...

A white place.

Riku was lying on the floor, still on his knees, while someone was standing near him, walking around him. They were acting like a child. When Riku lifted his head, he reacted.

"Wow, you're back! How was the trip?"

Why am I remembering this now? What's the point?...

Riku's eyes felt empty, he was alive, but the spark in his eyes was faint, almost nonexistent. His eyes, a dark blue, lacked the shine that would have made anyone mistake them for bright blue eyes.

He felt nothing at that moment, nothing was on his mind, but everything surrounded him, even if he couldn't see it in this world, it was all in him.

What was he doing? Yes, he had just come back from the convention and was going to give his sister the gift and...

"Blegh!"

As soon as he realized what had happened, an immense pressure invaded his body, and he reacted by vomiting. Riku began to hyperventilate, clutching his chest, as if he wanted to tear it apart.

That image repeated over and over again in his mind—the image of what he had seen that night, the one he was still experiencing.

"If I asked you if you loved her, what would you say?" He said, with a mischievous and playful tone.

What does he want now? I don't need to answer, no, I'm not going to do it. I hate him. I want to see him dead. I hate that damn look. Those blue eyes make me want to rip them out. Anyway, isn't the answer obvious?

"Yes, it is."

What?

"It's clearer than water. You care a lot about her, right? But, you'll never be able to see her again, well, maybe if you dig her up one of these days, you might see her again!"

Riku could feel his blood boiling again, getting angry with the person in front of him, but one single comment made his temper calm down.

"You abandoned her," he said, with a more serious and disappointed tone, staring at Riku.

"Fuck, don't you learn from your mistakes? No, not at all, that's why you keep making them over and over again. You get nothing out of what you live."

You abandoned her.

"Don't leave me alone." Those words resonated in me. They were my sister's words. It was my sister. I couldn't do anything. No, it's that I simply didn't do a damn thing!

"It's pathetic that you claim you want to help her when you've only been ruining her life all this time. Your very existence has been a constant pain for her. Just imagine it, your little brother, the one who's supposedly shy, makes friends before you, and brings them home sometimes. They even talk to you. Shouldn't this be a form of oppression?"

Every time I wanted to help her, I ended up just crying over her, without really doing anything. It's as if I was spitting in her face, telling her that she would never have anyone to rely on...

"Yes, you're right, you're absolutely right! You're the only one who could help her, and you're the first one who abandoned her and took advantage of her kindness! Every time you went to her, it was for your own good, you never thought about who was behind that sister! It was always 'My sister', but it was never 'Amaya!'"

He was angry, shouting at Riku without any filter, telling him what he thought was the truth, what he had really done, and how he had done nothing. Riku remained on his knees, accepting what he said, whether it was right or not.

Wanting to do something and actually doing it are two completely different things. Dreaming but then doing nothing is a sin of laziness, it's a sin of greed. If one doesn't fight to fulfill that dream, they're nothing. Why didn't I get up? I did nothing but laugh in his face. That's why she almost never cried in front of me...

Riku's eyes dimmed the moment he processed his mistake, ignoring the person who was near him, but listening to every word they said. He approached Riku, crouching behind him.

"Tell me, Riku, what do you see in front of you? Nothing, right?"

... Yes, nothing. I don't see anything.

"Exactly, there's nothing because you don't see anything. You don't see anything because there's nothing."

Yes, there's nothing.

"But what if there was a star? You like stars, don't you, Riku?"

He was crouched, looking at the back of Riku, while Riku, on his knees, looked at the horizon of that white world. And when the word "star" was mentioned, everything turned black, with various white dots emitting a faint light.

"There are billions and billions of stars in space. Don't you think it's amazing that each one is completely different and unique? Each one has its own name. There are so many that I feel sorry I can't learn them all... But little by little, constellation by constellation, I'll make friends with all of them!" His voice sounded calm, even kind.

Yes, and all of them are beautiful.

"Right? There are different colors, each one with its own story and age. Yes, age. Stars aren't eternal. One day, their shine will fade from this world, and no one will remember them, but their death will surely give a beautiful show. A final dazzling shine, followed by a terrifying, but beautiful, explosion. And little by little, all that energy they had will fade away," his voice started to sound softer.

For everything he described, the white world showed exactly what he was saying—one star, which detonated in a magnificent explosion of colors, each color being part of the star, now unrecognizable, and how little by little, its energy faded, and everything returned to being a field of white dots.

Yes, it's sad.

"Maybe. But what's sad isn't the spectacle, it's the fact that it's gone. You won't see its shine again, you won't see its light anymore, and you won't see its colors. But did you know that stars die in many different ways?" His voice gradually started to sound more familiar.

Really? They do?

"Yes, there are infinite possibilities for a star to die, but if I told you them all now, it would take an eternity," I could feel him hugging me...

"But of all the ways a star can end, there's one I really don't like, not at all."

Really? What is it?

Riku grabbed one of the arms that was around his neck. It was slender and delicate, but above all, soft and clean. This calmness and warmth were interrupted by an extreme pressure on my chest, followed by a disturbing phrase.

"The most tragic and terrifying way a star can die…

It's by the weight of its own sins.

What?

I was in a white place.

There was someone in front of me. A ch-

"Amaya!"

I threw myself as fast as I could toward her, but I couldn't at first. I couldn't move. I could only hear. I wanted to say everything, but I couldn't say anything. I could only cry. Cry. Cry.

"This... Forgive me, Riku, but I have to go." She sounded pained, but also satisfied.

"I know you won't like it, it will hurt you, I don't know if you'll ever forget me, but I want you to, okay? I don't hate you, I didn't do it for you. I just felt like I wouldn't get anywhere with what I was doing. I was scared, very scared. When you came to talk to me, when I was lying in bed, sad, and I asked you, I almost cried an entire ocean of tears, but I couldn't, I didn't want you to see me like that, I didn't want you to worry... So, I'm sorry..."

No, please...

"But I want you to be happy, no, be happy, you will be, because I know you will. I... couldn't keep going. Every day I did fewer things, and the ones that distracted me no longer entertained me. The only thing that stood out from everything I had was you, but I knew that one day I would fall behind, and that I would distance myself from you..."

Don't leave me...

At that moment, I felt Amaya's figure slowly disappearing from my sight, and I felt a presence behind me.

"That's why, before I go, I just want to say one last thing."

Hands began to slide across my face, their goal being to cover my eyes. They were wet with a viscous, warm liquid, which was staining my face. This liquid also began to sink me, starting from my knees. As this happened, Amaya was about to disappear from my view too, and before all of that, before I lost sight of everything and succumbed to nothingness, I heard a voice screaming its final words.

"I L´v+ Y`1"

I suffocated, with those hands covering my face, as my body grew colder, more and more, until someone whispered words in my ear...

"I won't forgive you, you bastard."

And then, I lost consciousness quickly, without knowing what would happen to me from now on, knowing nothing.

I was lost.