The Story of E – Chapter 5: I Just Got Here, Why Am I Already in a Final Boss Fight?
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Previously on The Story of E:
E arrived in a post-apocalyptic wasteland with zero preparation.
A giant eldritch horror immediately tried to introduce him to the concept of instant death.
A dramatic warrior gave him a prophecy, a magic rock, and a deep desire to unsubscribe from destiny.
E punched the monster so hard that reality took notes.
Now, let's see how this totally well-planned battle continues.
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1. The First Rule of Boss Fights
The eldritch horror staggered back from E's punch, letting out a sound that could only be described as a million tortured souls trying to harmonize but failing miserably.
E cracked his knuckles. "Alright, let's wrap this up."
A new [TUTORIAL BOX] popped up.
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[HOW TO DEFEAT A FINAL BOSS YOU DIDN'T SIGN UP FOR]
Step 1: Hit it harder.
Step 2: If that doesn't work, hit it even harder.
Step 3: If it still doesn't work… You're on your own.
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E stared at the box.
"Wow. So helpful."
The warrior from earlier watched in shock. "That… That shouldn't be possible!"
"What, the tutorial box? Yeah, I get them all the time."
"No! You just PUNCHED a being of PURE COSMIC NIGHTMARE!"
E nodded. "Yep. And?"
"AND IT ACTUALLY FELT PAIN!"
Silence.
Then E squinted.
"Wait. You're saying this thing has never been punched before?"
"No! It exists beyond mortal comprehension!"
E rolled his shoulders. "Well, clearly it comprehends getting decked in the face."
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2. The Horror's Existential Crisis
The eldritch horror glitched. Literally.
One of its many eyes twitched. Its tentacles spasmed. It made a sound like a corrupted MP3 file struggling to load.
It was, in real-time, experiencing an existential crisis.
After thousands of years of being an unstoppable nightmare, someone had punched it.
Hard.
The horror slowly looked at E.
E raised a fist. "Want another?"
The horror reeled back.
Then, for the first time in recorded history…
It turned around and ran.
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3. The Art of Unexpected Victory
The warrior watched, slack-jawed. "It… It ran away?"
E dusted off his hands. "Yup."
"You didn't even finish it off!"
"Nope."
"But it's a cosmic horror! The final trial of our world! The destroyer of civilizations!"
"And now it's the destroyer of good cardio, because it's still running."
Somewhere in the distance, the eldritch horror tripped over its own tentacles and let out a pathetic whimper.
E shrugged. "Problem solved."
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4. The Prophecy Has… Problems
The warrior shook their head, trying to process the absolute nonsense that just happened.
"This… This wasn't how the prophecy was supposed to go."
E clapped his hands together. "Great, let's cancel it then."
The warrior stared. "You… You can't just cancel a prophecy."
"Why not? Who wrote it?"
The warrior hesitated. "The Ancients, of course."
"And where are they now?"
"Uh… dead?"
"Great. So they can't complain if we edit it."
The warrior opened their mouth. Then closed it. Then stared at E like he was some sort of reality-breaking anomaly.
(Which, to be fair, he was.)
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5. The Reality-Shattering Reward Screen
Before the warrior could continue their freakout, another floating [QUEST COMPLETE] box appeared.
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[QUEST COMPLETE: SURVIVE THE FINAL BOSS ENCOUNTER]
Reward: +1 Multiversal Skill Unlock!
Bonus Reward: You are now officially a walking paradox.
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E blinked. "Wait, what's this skill unlock thing?"
Another box popped up.
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[NEW ABILITY UNLOCKED: COSMIC AUTHORITY]
Description: You are now an official multiversal anomaly. Congratulations! This ability lets you alter fate, bypass rules, and generally cause chaos in ways that make destiny very uncomfortable.
Warning: Use responsibly. (Or don't. I'm just a tutorial box.)
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E grinned.
"Oh, this is going to be fun."
The warrior paled. "You're going to abuse this, aren't you?"
"Oh, absolutely."
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6. Meanwhile, Back in the Cosmic Horror Union…
Far beyond mortal reality, in a realm where tentacled abominations gathered for their weekly horror meetings, the eldritch horror from earlier was having a meltdown.
"HE HIT ME!" it wailed.
The other horrors gasped.
"With WHAT?"
"HIS FIST."
More gasps.
One horror fainted. Another screamed in existential terror.
"We are beyond mortal laws!" one of the bigger horrors shouted. "This should be impossible!"
"Well, tell that to my face, because IT STILL HURTS."
The room descended into chaos.
For the first time in millennia, the eldritch horrors had discovered something even more terrifying than themselves.
And his name was E.
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