It's You

Dear God

I don't want to believe everything is going to be okay, because if I believe...You will find me again.

We were sitting right across each other, in between us was the album of photos but this time it was photos of Lonwabo and I. Yami was looking at me, waiting for me to make my next move but what would be my next move? I don't know what to do except to look anywhere else but the picture of him and I looking so happy with our ear-to-ear smiles, the picture made me sick because it reminded me of what I had done to us...to me.

"This was my favourite smile of yours, the one you always put on when you had this whole excited and happy energy coursing through your body," Yami said reaching for the photo as she moved her eyes from me to the picture, "And you expressed that energy best in your smile," she added.

That picture was taken by this street photographer when we were on our honeymoon in Lumpur, I was so excited and nervous and all I wanted to do was scream at the top of my lungs how happy I was. And it happened that we ran into this amazing street photographer and he offered to snap some photos of us, the weather was warm and comfortable and the sky had this beautiful orange and red ombre.

"Tell me something about this day."

"On that day I felt like a this big main character in this big love story movie," I said as I held the picture in my hands, I could feel the weight of the emotions. It was heavy and it felt like it was this tangible feeling I could take ahold of and just put myself in it or put in me so that I could experience the emotions u felt on that day again. "Everything about that day was perfect , the weather, food ,the setting emotions."

On that day I woke up happy, I wasn't moody, I wasn't cranky, I wasn't tired and I wasn't unsure of anything. I felt like I could take on whatever the world had to throw at me with this big smile and that no matter what happened nothing could put me down not the coffee that spoilt on my shorts on that day, not the broken sandals or the fact that I had hayfever from the pollen allergens.

"You had so much faith, hope and belief. It made you see the beauty of everything, you were highly intoxicated by it," Yami said as she stood up and walked towards the cupboard by the right side of my bed.There was only one thing by the right side of the cupboard and if she was going to get that then she was making me quit on this before the journey had even begun. "Yami," I whispered lightly as she opened the cupboard and took out the journal that he had written.

The journal I had read halfway through when he was still here but never got to finish. "I want to give you a reason to heal, I want to give you the cement, sand ,water and bricks to make that foundation.I want you to see why you deserve to heal because I know that you are doing all this because you don't want me to leave, you don't want me to get tired of you," she said as she sat by my side holding my hand in her warm hands, she pressed lightly on my hand before placing the journal in it, "I won't ever get tired of you but I know you, you will try and give yourselves a thousand reasons why you don't deserve to heal when there is only a single reason why you should heal," she added.

Yami stood up and left me in the bedroom alone, this wasn't fair. She couldn't just give this to me not now, I wasn't ready for this. I didn't deserve to be holding this journal reading it and trying to give myself a reason to heal. It felt heavier than the last time I held it, As I opened it a mixture of his perfume and the smell of old paper mixed with ink engulfed me. It was as if the whole scent wrapped me around this bubble I couldn't escape from.

TO MY FUTURE WIFE

From your Husband

The man God has chosen fit

to be yours.

That was the message written on the first page of this journal. The message I had been stuck on when I grabbed the journal first when I had lost him, when I tried to find him in this but decided I wasn't worth finding him. Now i was holding this delicate piece of him in my hands and yet again my hands failed to let me flip the page, I knew what would follow but reading it again now , it was different and the meaning had changed. It wasn't the same as the first time I had read it, back then it had a different meaning, it was romantic, cute and heart warming now it seemed to hold so much life in it . I didn't want to flip through the page but something in me this time actually wanted to push through ,actually wanted to read what comes next.

I don't know who God has chosen to be the woman I will call my wife but I guess if you are reading this it's you.

You are the woman God has specifically picked to be mine and I to be yours.I don't have any idea how you would look ,act or behave like, God is unpredictable and he tends to surprise me a whole lot more than I can get used to but what I do know is that I will find you warm, comfortable and perfect.

I am writing this so that you know what you missed, what you didn't miss and what you are missing right now as you read this- Me.

I feel like when you read this I won't be in the room with you because I want you to be in your space and I can imagine that as irresistible as God made me to be you will probably miss me. Just know i miss you too.

So my wife, this is my gift from me to you and I hope you like it♡.

As I read the 'Just know I miss you too' line over and over again, I could hear his voice saying it to me, whispering it to me in my ears as his hands gently caressed my backs, my shoulders, my arms and my hair. It felt like he was right here by my side and he was saying it to me which had me hypnotized, i didn't want the feeling and the illusion to disappear. If this was one way I could relive somethings about him then I was willing to let myself drown in it, even it it was going to destroy me.

"You shed a tear," Yami said as she crossed the room and engulfed me in a hug, but I didn't reciprocate it back because I wanted to concentrate on his voice, on his touch and on his whispers.

"I can feel him," I said as I gently pushed her away from me and tried following the voice as it seemed to be drifting. "Who?" She asked confused , "Lonwabo, he is here."