I don't know.

Dear God

I don't know what to do.

The storm brewing outside made the living room seem dull and gray, the room was engulfed in a peaches and citrus scent that the candles emitted. Dark clouds loomed over us from outside, an indication of the heavy rain that was about to grace us. My eyes darted to the flickering candle that was holding on to the little life source it had that was slowing disappearing. I looked at the person that was in front of me, Thanda. She was my work friend, the one you always spend your working hours with and form a friendship just because in that four walled building they are the only one you manage to build something with . She came to visit me, this time I couldn't turn her away because I didn't have a reason to. "After getting to see after so much time all you want to do is stare at me?" I asked my eyes falling to her shaking hands that fiddled with her pleat skirt I bought her two years ago on her birthday. "I am sorry, it's just that I don't know what to say or do."

"Try asking me how I am doing, or how I have been, if I ever plan to leave the house. So many things you could ask," I said standing up to make some tea. "Will it help?"

"What?"

"Asking all those questions will it help?" She asked her voice shaking a little bit. "No."

"Then I have nothing to say to you," she said standing up to help me make the tea. She was right there was nothing she could say to me that could help me feel better, my mind is a storm slowly brewing waiting to release but I will do whatever it takes to make sure it doesn't because when the storm rain pours it washes away everything that isn't strong enough to withstand it and I wasn't strong enough for that storm. Not yet.

"Mrs. Mapfumo was suggesting that maybe it was the right time to start therapy, you have been locked in here and refusing to see anyone, they are worried," she said as she handed me my third cup of tea. Tea has become my addiction, especially the elachai tea brand, it has flavor keeps my taste buds entertained I can no longer go on with my day without having a cup of tea.

"Talking to a shrink will help me?"

"Talking will help, maybe at first talking to someone and then maybe a specialist."

"Talking doesn't help and the sooner people see that and understand that the sooner people will stop expecting other people to see shrinks because they want to believe that those people will get better by talking," I said as I was getting irritated by this whole talk, was this the reason she was here?

"You know that's not at all true, telling someone about something helps, it makes it easier to carry the burden because you won't be alone. You are making yourself miserable by staying in here," she said her voice sharp but low, like she was afraid to tick me off which she was successfully doing.

"Talking doesn't help you just want me to believe it will and when I start talking my brain will by default make me think I am better when I am not, I am miserable because life made me miserable so I am sorry I don't think talking to someone will help me," I said as I stormed off leaving her in the kitchen but as i walked away the guilt made my strides heavier, it was weighing me down. This is why I didn't want to talk to anyone they think they are entitled to say something because they would be bad people if they didn't, I didn't need them to tell me what helped or didn't help, I was miserable so they should deal with it. God chose to make my life be this miserable, he didn't help me when I needed the help so why would I need the help now it was useless.

"You didn't have to blow her off like that she was just trying to help," Yami said as she stood by the bedroom door with her arms folded glaring at me, "She didn't have to come here and think that suddenly she could help."

"Yami you are the only person I allow to see me anytime any day that's because I believe you know me better than anyone else, so I would like to believe that you know that what she said would have not have helped me in anyway." I glared at her like a stubborn kid who wouldn't back down this time from their tantrum. She sighed and joined me on the bed, "You are angry at God for taking Laonwabo away from you, for letting the man you loved so much die and that made you feel like you lost control of your life," she said laying her head on my shoulder as she slowly held my hand, "And you didn't want to let that make you lose me so you held onto me because you wanted to show God that maybe you didn't have control when Lonwabo died but you will control your life from now on and that you choose to not let what happened make you lose me too," she added squeezing my shaking hand, my breath was slowing down and I could feel the lump stuck on my throat. "Yami you are my best friend, who else will I lean on if not you?" I said as tears left my eyes. I was crying and she just hugged me from behind as i let the tears leave my eyes, "I don't want to lose you," I added tightening my grip on her arm as she embraced me from behind. "You will never lose me."

The storm gave in, it was pouring heavily outside and I was seating by the window staring outside at the three houses, it was hard to see outside due to the heavy rain and the condensation that blurred everything more . I wasn't staring because I wanted to see what the houses were up to but I was staring because I wanted to believe that in one of these houses someone would lash out and leave the house and show me that I was not the only one having a bad day when the rest of the world seemed to be moving on, that I wasn't the only who was hiding everything in fear of losing it all. That I wasn't the only one who didn't want to heal for some reason. Either way none of that was happening tonight because everything seemed dull and still at the other houses, nothing that could stand out in the rain .

"You said talking doesn't help," Yami said sitting next to me as we looked out the window, "People don't heal simply heal by telling people about their ordeal," I said to her looking at her for a brief moment then turning my eyes back to the houses.

"Maybe the aim of talking isn't to heal but to get them to accept and then heal."

"Accepting just means reliving the hurtful moments and making them realer than they were sleeping in your memory, what could get more real than the day you experienced all of that," I said this time looking at her waiting for her reply. "Accepting means that you are letting your brain know that it happened. Sometimes we tend to let our brain act like it was just a bad dream so that we get through it but we end up being a ticking time bomb that would explode any minute. Accepting means letting your brain know the pain is real," she said not looking at me but at the house. "And if you let the brain know it's real then what good is it besides torturing someone when they are already juiced out?"

"You can't move on from something that didn't happen, if your brain doesn't acknowledge that something bad did happen then how can you move on?"

"What if I don't want to move on?"

This time she looked at me, "Nothing, the whole world will move on, including me I won't stay here by your side forever. Eventually life will force me to move on and there will be nothing you could do."

"Then go on. Move on like everybody else, you did it then why stop now?" I said lashing out but as I looked at Yami her eyes were feeled with sadness, she wasn't threatening me, she was just telling me the truth.