Why not me.

Dear God

??

What makes people want to stop being miserable? Is it because misery hurts? Is it because they are tired of being miserable? Or is it because their misery hurts the people closest to them? I really don't know but what I do know is that I don't want to be miserable anymore because I realised that misery buys me time but it doesn't stop time.

I was outside at the back yard for the first time in months, laying in the sun looking up at the clouds that passed by. I had the journal by my side and I was planning on reading it outside by myself, there was no one to see me or even mistakenly pass by and see me so I was isolated. My hand got a hold of the journal and this time it was not as heavy as it was before, the scent was still there but it felt normal.

Dear wife,

I don't know what to say to you honestly besides the fact that God made me a 10 out of a 10 ;) Just kidding, did it get you to laugh? Giggle? Roll your eyes or snort? You got to have done something. Anyways, if you are my wife then you already know about my past. It's a whole lot of blood, sweat and tears and a lot of pain.

You know they say you don't know that fire burns unless you actually touch the fire, what happens when you actually do touch the fire? You get burnt don't you? You feel the pain right? Sometimes there is a little scar. Your brain gets to understand that fire is danger but because you know fire hurts does it mean your wound don't heal? When the fire burnt you it hurt you but did that stop your wounds from healing?

I was hurt, deeply. My past is painful but it doesn't have to stop me from healing. Healing doesn't mean that I am forgetting that it hurts , healing is me allowing myself to acknowledge the past for what it is and also acknowledge that I was hurt but it doesn't define who I am or who I will be.

You must be wondering why I am telling you all this? I don't know but I want you to know this about me, I might not be able to tell you all this because I will probably forget this whole thing or even not say it the way I am saying it now. Healing is an every day step, these are steps you take every day where you choose not the pain. So just know that everyday that I wake up and do everything I do, I woke up and chose not to be in pain.

I could blame God for everything, let myself drown in the misery but let's be for real. I would be lying to myself if I did that. On top of the pain I would be adding delusion to the whole thing. And I don't want delusion and pain to make me lose the people that I love, especially you.

What are the odds that on this day I would read this exact letter? I didn't know what to do or say, as I looked around me everything seemed so silent and dull, it felt like the day I binge watched a series and after it finished I didn't know what to do with myself.His words sat heavy in my chest, echoing something I had heard before. Something I had tried to ignore. That day at church, when Lonwabo convinced me to go, when I first started to wonder if I had it all wrong...

Flashback

I was seating stiffly next to Lonwabo in church, my hands were holding tight to my dress for dear life. My eyes were glaring at my feet, i didn't want to look up, i didn't want to see them seeing me and knowing that the only reason i had come here was because he brought me. It took a man to bring me to church and as much as it wasn't bad the thought of people knowing that, had me shivering. I was disconnected from God and I wasn't planning on connecting to him anytime soon. When I looked around nobody was looking at me infact they were all so soaked into worship it felt like we were all in separate rooms under one building, every single one of them seemed to be lost in their own world, in their own cube and all that mattered was them and God.

"Proverbs 12:2 says the Lord approves of those who are good but he condemns those who plan wickedness.

As I stand here I would like to ask you what you think it means to be good? When the Bible says the Lord approves of those who are good then who is God referring to?" The pastor asked, the room was silent everybody waiting for the pastor to say the next line, to confirm what they are thinking or to tell them the answer to that question. For me the Lord approves of those who are good and those who are good are those who follow his word and put him first all the time, those who don't fail him and disappoint him, those who live the life the Bible has told us to live and I know I am not part of the people God says are good. I fall short all the time, I do whatever the world does, I am not wicked but I am not godly either. It's so hard to follow all the rules, there are so many things that are expected of us in this world, so many things we are restricted from enjoying and when one fails to follow the norm they are quickly said to be possessed by a demon or deemed unfit to be a part of the community. No matter what you do you will never really fit back in.

"To be good is to reflect God's character," the pastor added. Now how am I supposed to reflect God's character? God is perfect, God is flawless, God isn't human and that makes it impossible to reflect his nature or be like him.

"MARK 10:18 says no one is good- except God alone' I know as you sit there you are probably getting confused. God approves of those who are good but nobody is good so does that mean God doesn't approve of us?" He said as he gave us a small smile, he moved from the podium he was standing on and went to stand in the middle of the passageway that separated the group of people, he was in the middle of the crowd and everyone was watching him like a hawk. He managed to gain my attention and I was waiting to take in every word he was about to say because the questions in my head were become too hard for me to answer.

"You know that phrase that says if you want to learn something go to the person who knows that thing best, I don't remember what it really says but it's something along those lines, if you want to be good, if you want to be the person the Lord approves of and want to know how to be good then who do you go to? You go to Him, God. God approves of those who are good and to be able to be that person you go to him so that he shows you and teaches you how to be the person he wants you to be." That earned a lot of 'mmhs' and 'mmmmh' from people including me which got earned me a small smile from Lonwabo, he held my hand and gave me a gentle squeeze letting me know he was here with me and he appreciated me.

"You need to be connected to God so that he teaches you how to be good, to be good according to him is to strive to do what honours him, because when you honour him you are doing what he says and God approves of people who obey him and do what he says. To be good is not only doing the right thing, it's about having a heart that strives to do the right thing.Striving means putting effort even when it's hard to achieve something, pushing forward even when it seems so hard and tiresome. To be good is to strive, to put in the effort, to push. It isn't winning. To be good is honoring, it's not being at the top. To be good is to seek, to be good is to want the right thing and to be good is to recognize God and everything he stands for. God doesn't want a winner, he wants someone who is willing to keep trying and trying and trying even if they fail they are still going to get back up and keep pushing. They won't stop until they get there and that is what it means to be good. And when you keep trying and pushing, God will make you a winner, he will put you at the top where you belong."

That sermon was the first sermon in my life that left me questioning everything I had ever done and thought, every conclusion I had put on who God wanted and who God didn't want. I thought I knew God but clearly I didn't, I had already set a mentality on who he was and truly I didn't know him. I had so many questions, so much to ask and say but I was afraid that I would ask the wrong questions.

"There is never a wrong question," Lonwabo said looking at me as we stood outside by the parking lot as he was saying his goodbyes to his fellow church members. I knew he knew what I was thinking as I kept looking at him with that look you give someone you want to desperately ask a question but don't know how to put it. I looked at him in the eyes and I asked the one question that has always bothered me.

"Why didn't God choose me?"