I feel Calm.

Dear God,

I want to feel calm again. I want that feeling back again.

Flashback

The night sky was clear, not a single cloud in sight. The air was crisp, carrying the fresh scent of rain that had passed. The world felt quiet, as if we were the only ones left in it. I always loved the idea of driving on the highway, the way the road stretched ahead with no stop signs or traffic lights to interrupt the journey. It felt freeing, like nothing could break the rhythm of the moment.

"Any song in mind?" Lonwabo asked, pulling me back into the car with him. We were driving home from the event we had attended together. Well, it was actually Yami's event, and we had gone to support her. It was late into the night, and we were both exhausted, but we had an amazing time. Yami had stayed behind since she had an early meeting the next day and had booked herself into the hotel where the event was held.

Lonwabo and I were basically dating, more like courting each other. In fact Lonwabo was the one who introduced the idea of courting and I just went with the whole thing. We were getting to know each other more and going on a few dates here and there nothing serious. I was still a little uneasy because I did not want to let him in fully. The thought of letting my guard down completely terrified me, and I think Lonwabo knew that.

I truly wanted to open up to him, but I could not bring myself to do it. I was a coward. Trusting people, giving them a part of yourself, is terrifying because you never know what they might do with it. Would they cherish it, or would they tear it apart, leaving you in pieces?

"I feel like playing a Beyoncé song," I said, connecting my phone to the car's Bluetooth.

"This better be a good song," Lonwabo said, giving me a side-eye that made me roll my eyes with a smile.

"It is a very good, underrated song," I replied, selecting XO by Beyoncé.

The song reminded me of the time Yami and I held a Beyoncé and Rihanna playlist party the day we finished our exams. We bought every type of snack and sugary dessert we could think of and sang along to their songs for hours. That was when I first heard XO, and from that day, it became my favorite Beyoncé song.

"I searched through the crowd, your face is all that I see," I sang along, doing a small shoulder dance.

I glanced at Lonwabo, and I could tell he felt the song. He tried to fight it, but the small smile creeping onto his face gave him away.

"Allow yourself to enjoy Beyoncé, Mr. Lonwabo," I teased, running my fingers lightly along his cheek.

"Oh, you are playing with fire, Pumpkin," he said, shaking his head with a chuckle.

He grabbed my hand, holding onto it as he continued driving as if nothing had changed. I did not pull away because, deep down, I loved the feeling of his hand in mine. It made me feel warm and safe, like I had someone, and someone had me.

"I really do not know how to put what I feel into words. You make me feel calm, like before you were here, there was this storm in my life," he said, his eyes fixed on me.

We had arrived at my place, but somehow, Lonwabo thought it was the perfect time to have a deep conversation before saying goodbye, as if we had not been talking the entire day.

"Oh, we are getting cheesy now," I said, a smile plastered on my face.

"Says the girl who was listening to Beyonce.We are not getting cheesy. We are marinating here."

"I swear, if it was any other guy besides you saying this, I would have given the biggest side-eye ever. You are lucky I like you," I said, laughing.

He just smiled and placed his hand on my cheek. How could someone be so engulfing and hypnotizing? When I looked at him, it did not make sense how someone like him could be with someone like me. But we were together, and my heart felt so full that it could burst. The feeling overwhelmed me because I could not control it, it just happened. But it did not feel natural, either.

People say that when you love someone, your whole world shifts. You feel butterflies. Everything feels magical. But I think when you are slowly falling in love with someone, nothing makes sense except the fact that the two of you are together.

You cannot explain it, but you just know. Even if it is only meant for today or tomorrow, you want them in the picture. You want them here, by your side. And I just wanted Lonwabo by my side. Knowing that he was, made me feel calm.

"God chose you even before you were born. He chose you from the start, and He is always choosing you. You may not see it now, but trust me, He is choosing you in everything," Lonwabo said, his thumb gently caressing my cheek.

"Just open yourself up to Him, and He will make it make sense. He will tell you everything you need to know because He loves you."

That night, after Lonwabo dropped me off, I opened my physical Bible for the first time since buying it three months ago. It was new and untouched. I let myself stare at it for a while before picking it up and flipping through the pages. I did not know where to start, so I decided to begin with the Gospel of Matthew.

Jesus' birth story is one we are told countless times in Sunday school. It is a story of a great miracle, a blessing, a virgin mother giving birth to the Son of God, who would one day die for our sins.

I had read the Bible before, but only in church, when the pastor asked us to turn to a specific verse. I had never really dedicated time to reading it, word for word, chapter by chapter.

Matthew 1:1

The Ancestors of Jesus the Messiah

1. This is a record of the ancestors of Jesus the Messiah, a descendant of David and of Abraham.