Time, do you heal?

Dear God

Time is the thief of joy

Their eyes were on me, it's like they were seeing through me, seeing my soul for what it was. I hadn't seen them in a long time, when I shut the world out, I shut my family out too. I couldn't bear to face them, I couldn't bear to see the pain in their eyes. The pain I had caused.

"Mwana wangu(My child)," my mother said, her eyes tear stained. She was holding back her tears but I could see it in her eyes, the pity, the sadness. "Mhamha(Mom)."

"Makoti wam(My daughter in law)," Lonwabo's mother said as she walked towards me, she gave me a bone crushing hug. Unlike my mom, she was never able to control her emotions, she let her tears fall but she avoided letting out a sob which I was grateful for.

The weather was windy but warm and as I sat by the kitchen stool as both my mother's prepared a meal, I couldn't help but think of the time when they had come together for a family dinner when Lonwabo proposed to me. My mother was so excited to meet Lonwabo's mother, but she was nervous that maybe Lonwabo's mom would not be welcoming. I had known Lonwabo's mom and she was a very sweet woman who always expressed her emotions openly, she liked me from the moment she met me. My mom and her clicked at the family dinner and i knew then that we were definitely meant to be together. Seeing them going around the kitchen preparing a meal together in sync, my mind couldn't help but wonder that maybe in some lifetime, some other world they were once sisters or were sisters.

"How have you been?" My mother asked as she stopped chopping the vegetables, her eyes searched my eyes for an answer but when she couldn't find one she resorted to what I would say.

"Taking it one step at a time."

"What cravings do you have?" My mother in law asked. "I don't have any cravings," I admitted. The frown on her face told me that she didn't find what I said right, I didn't have cravings or anything like that, "I am a little addicted to the Elaichi tea, the taste is amazing," I said hoping it would pass of as a craving to her.

"I figured, there are so many teabags of the same tea in the cupboards. Don't drink too much of it, it might not be good for the baby if you overconsume," my mother pitched in. I nodded in agreement, I was careful not to overconsume.

"We are sorry we came over unannounced, we know you needed space but we were worrying. You are drawing near to your birth day and we just wanted to see how you are doing," My mother said, she placed her hand on my cheek. Her hand was so warm and comforting, I missed her warm hands , I missed her comforting touch.

"I understand, I missed you both, " I said smiling lightly at them. My mother in law gave me a light smile before she went back to her pots.

My family was so understanding, they gave me the space I needed. I knew they would come by the house when I was resting to leave some grocery or cook me a meal, but I hadn't sat down with any of them and had a meal or a long conversation. "Thanda said you wanted me to see a shrink," I said looking at my mother, she froze for a second and continued chewing her food. She nodded her head, "Yes, I was, still am, worried about you. I thought maybe talking to a professional will help," she said.

"I don't need a therapist," I said to her with a frown onnmy face, I wasn't ready to talk to one. I needed to torture myself a little more with the pain and nightmares, I wanted to heal but I didn't want to heal without torturing myself first. "You don't want a therapist but you need one. I know you don't like this idea, you made it clear to Thanda but baby, you need to talk to someone, someone who can help you deal with the loss. Seeing a professional helps, they will help you deal with it the right way."

"I am doing just fine, " I said folding my arms.

"You know you are not," my mother in law said without giving me a glance. "Yes I am," I defended but she only shook her head at me and continued eating. "Have you started prepping for the baby?"

"No."

"Do you need us to help?"

"Yes please."

The rest of the meal was done in silence, after the meal we sat by the lounge. I listened to their conversation as they updated each other about the latest news going around, "Is that a photo album?" my mother in law asked as she pointed at the photo album that was on top of the mini coffee table by my left side of the couch, I nodded and she indicated I passed it towards her.

"These picture was taken at your traditional wedding, that was such a beautiful ceremony," my mother said as they looked through the pictures.

"Where did Lonwabo propose again?" My mother asked as she looked at me. She knew where he proposed she just wanted me to talk about the moment again as if it would bring me joy.

"He proposed at Kapama River Lodge in Mpumalanga.You were there when he did it," I said making her remember something she already remembered. Lonwabo's mom was not here as she had a family emergency to attend to, that was the reason we had a family dinner afterwards and mainly because my dad also wanted to officially meet Lonwabo the proper way.

"It was such a beautiful proposal, if I remember correctly on that day you went on a safari trip, looking at the wild animals and he also took you to a meat buffet," my mother said remembering the day for me.

I remember that day so vividly, Lonwabo had decided that we go on a trip to Mpumalanga. We were staying at the River lodge and on that day we had a safari trip where we saw different wild animals even though I was terrified almost the entire time. He then took me to this meat buffet where I tried a crocodile for the first time, we had so much fun on that day and when we returned to the lodge he said that we should meet at the pool just to spend the night swimming and talking, when I came back I saw my mother, Yami , Langelihle(Lonwabo's friend) and Malibongwe(Lonwabo's friend) standing by the pool with the cards written 'PUMPKIN WILL YOU MARRY ME?'

I was so shocked, I dropped my drying towel and almost walked back to the room but I bumped into Lonwabo as I turned around and he had a huge smile on his face, he went on one knee and before he even said the words I was already crying. Crying because of anxiety and because I was happy.

"I thought you were going to run away," my mother said.

"I was running away, I was so scared but when I saw him. I knew I was at the right place and that I needed to stay."

"My poor baby couldn't stop crying while looking at her ring."

"Do you blame me? The ring was so beautiful and it constantly reminded me that I was engaged, I was engaged, I was going to be his wife and he was going to be my husband. I didn't believe it was really happening, it was like someone would come and wake me up."

"It was definitely real," my mother in law said as she showed me the picture we took that day. My eyes were a little bit swollen but the smile on my face said it all.

I was happy.

"Time heals all wounds," mother in law said as she kissed my cheek and handed me a cup of warm water. "It doesn't feel like time heals, it feels like time just steals all the joy," I said.

"As time moves, it moves along with all the happiness and joy. It moves so fast past the good memories and slowly at the bad memories. It hides all the good memories from us and makes us feel like they don't belong to us when they do," I added sipping the warm water. It was soothing in some way and made me feel comfortable, I never liked drinking warm water mainly because whenever I did drink it my throat felt uncomfortable like it was quickly drying up.

"Time let's us cope, it lessens the vividness of painful memories. Making them less painful as we remember them less sharply, with time the pain becomes manageable," she said, it felt like she was telling herself that more than she was telling me. She wanted to believe it too, "If remembering the painful memories less helps us cope and heal then is it wrong for me to want to forget everything, even the good memories? Is it wrong of me to wish that none of everything ever happened?"

She looked at me and I could tell she also for a moment wished the same thing I wished. The silence was the answer I needed and it felt like we were both grateful we could relate to that one thing but then we knew that forgetting meant erasing his existence and none of us wanted that. We wanted him to exist but letting him exist meant living with the pain everyday and how much pain can one tolerate until they give in to it?