I was his drug.

Dear God

I am going to talk but not to you yet. I don't trust you enough to carry me anymore.

"Why don't you want to talk to a shrink?" Yami asked sitting beside me with a glass of lemonade in her hand. She had a smile on her face that was so warm and gentle, it almost made me believe that everything was okay. "I am not comfortable yet with talking to someone I don't know about my deepest and intimate feelings and besides you are my bestfriend you have been there for me through all the phases of my life," I said nudging her a little bit as a friendly gesture.

"Remember that time when you and Lonwabo had a fight because he didn't want you guys alone together for a long period of time," Yami said chuckling. She always found that part of our conflict very funny, I remember when I called her crying and told her what happened she laughed at me like I was crazy. It infuriated me but then she came to my rescue with some ice cream and cake, "You brought me rum and raisin ice cream and cheese cake after laughing at me for a good 15 minutes," I said eyeing her, I still didn't get over what she did but she never bothered taking the whole issue serious.

"What did you expect me to do? How am I supposed to react to my friend telling me that her boyfriend doesn't want to be with her alone in the same room for a long time because he found her overly attractive and tempting," she said laughing lightly as she rolled her eyes at me.

"I actually remember that situation differently," I said, defending myself and my outburst rightfully.

Flashback

I was starting to hate the silence between us.

It was not the comfortable kind, the kind where words were not needed because the presence of the other person was enough. No, this was different. This was heavy. A silence filled with things unsaid, with words swallowed down before they could escape.

Lonwabo and I had always been able to talk. About anything. About everything. But tonight, it felt like we were standing on opposite sides of a glass wall, seeing each other clearly but unable to reach through.

We had just parked outside my apartment after one of our late-night drives, one of the last ones, apparently.

"You are quiet," I said, staring out the windshield instead of looking at him.

He sighed, tapping his fingers against the steering wheel. "I have been thinking."

"About what?"

His hesitation was brief but noticeable. "About us. About our boundaries."

I turned to him now, a small frown tugging at my lips. "What about them?"

"I think we need to be more mindful about how much time we spend alone together."

I blinked. "Mindful?"

"Yeah." He exhaled, his grip tightening on the wheel. "Especially at night."

I let out a dry laugh, crossing my arms. "Wait, so now we cannot be alone together?"

He looked at me carefully, like he was trying to pick the right words. "I am saying we should be more careful. More intentional about avoiding situations that might lead to temptation."

Temptation.

The word hit me like a slap.

I had never seen our time together as temptation. I had never thought of myself as temptation. But the way he was saying it…

My jaw clenched. "So… what? You think I am a risk to your purity?"

His eyes widened slightly. "Pumpkin, that is not what I meant."

"Then explain what you did mean," I shot back, my voice sharper now.

He ran a hand over his face, exhaling. "I mean that we need to be wise. We both know where this could lead if we are not careful. I do not want to put either of us in a position where we make a mistake we regret."

I stared at him. "A mistake?"

He shut his eyes briefly, as if realizing he had said the wrong thing. "I did not mean it like that-"

"But that is exactly what you said," I cut in.

"Pumpkin-"

"No, I get it," I said, my voice unsteady. "You are scared of messing up. Scared of me messing up. So your solution is to… what? Avoid being alone with me altogether?"

"I never said that."

"You did not have to!" I snapped, my frustration boiling over.

His face hardened slightly. "Why are you acting like I am attacking you?"

"Because it feels like you are!" My voice cracked, betraying how deeply this was affecting me. "Like suddenly, I am this problem that needs to be managed. Like I am some kind of threat to your self-control."

He leaned forward slightly, his brows furrowed. "That is not fair. I am trying to do what is best for us-"

"No, you are trying to do what is best for you," I bit out, feeling my throat tighten. "Do you even care how this makes me feel?"

"Of course I care-"

"Then why does it feel like you made this decision without me?" I interrupted, my voice shaking now. "You just decided that our late-night drives are suddenly a problem. That I am a problem."

His jaw tensed. "Pumpkin, I am trying to lead this relationship the right way. If we are serious about doing things God's way, we need to set boundaries before we reach a point of no return."

I scoffed. "Point of no return? Wow."

He let out a slow breath, as if forcing himself to stay calm. "You are twisting my words."

"No, I am hearing them exactly as you are saying them," I shot back.

A heavy silence fell between us.

I could feel my heart pounding, feel the lump in my throat threatening to rise higher.

I looked away, shaking my head. "You know what? I think I need to go inside."

"Pumpkin-"

"Goodnight, Lonwabo."

I reached for the door handle, but before I could push it open, his voice stopped me.

"You are upset because you know I am right."

I froze.

Slowly, I turned back to face him. "Excuse me?"

His eyes held mine, steady and unwavering. "You know I am right," he repeated, softer this time. "You just do not want to admit it because it makes you uncomfortable."

I let out a bitter laugh, shaking my head. "You really think you know me that well, huh?"

"I do," he said simply. "I know that you struggle with control. That you do not like feeling like decisions are being made for you. But this is not about control, Pumpkin. This is about wisdom. And deep down, you know that."

Something inside me cracked.

I hated that he could see me so clearly.

I hated that he was right.

But mostly, I hated how much it hurt.

Tears burned at the back of my eyes, but I refused to let them fall. Not in front of him. Not now.

I swallowed hard. "I cannot do this right now," I muttered, finally pushing the door open.

"Pumpkin-"

I did not turn back. I did not trust myself to.

I walked quickly to my front door, barely holding it together. As soon as I stepped inside and locked the door behind me, the first tear fell.

Then another.

"Yami," I said over the phone as I tried to control my tears.

"Chomi are you okay?" Yami's asked as she seemed to be shuffling around over the phone. The shuffling noises stopped and all I could do was try to suppress my sobs.

"He called me the devils temptation," I said in between my tears.

...

"Now tell me how was I supposed to not laugh when you said that over the phone," Yami said laughing at me as her head fell back. Looking back at the whole thing it did kind of look ridiculous and I understood where she came from, it was a silly fight that didn't have to be so bad but because when Lonwabo said all that it made me think that I wasn't meant to be with him. It felt like he was finding fault in me and that made me feel like we were slowly seeing that the whole thing wouldn't work for us but the same night Lonwabo came over while I was stuffing my face with ice cream and apologized for how he said it and not what he said. We talked it over and I told him how It made me feel, for the first time in a while I was able to be honest to him about how insecure I felt through out the whole relationship. I was afraid that I was going to fail to meet him where he was, that my direction was different from his and I didn't want to lose him because I was slowly getting used to the idea of having him occupying my heart and I didn't want to let him go.

"He couldn't even go and sleep that night knowing very well that I was upset," I said with a smile playing on my lips.

"Oh and the time when he was so infuriated at that party, I had never seem him so irritated and annoyed at the same time it was so funny yet so scary," she said as laughter left her lips once again. She was having fun remembering all these memories.

My face recoiled at that memory."Bandile was all over me and it was so disgusting and annoying. I kept on emphasizing the boyfriend part. 'I am here with my boyfriend' , ' My boyfriend went to get me something to drink' but did the man listen. Nope," I said as I remembered how Bandile was trying so hard to act like my boyfriend when I had a boyfriend already.

"Lonwabo got so angry and he stood between you and him. He was taller so he kind of glanced down Bandile like a child and he was ticked but when he started talking his voice was so calm and low I was so convinced he would pull a gun out and kind of tap Bandile's head with it," Yami said laughing harder. I rolled my eyes at her, she found it funny, okay I also found the whole thing funny but at that moment I swear I was also convinced he would do the same thing.

"And then you just had to exclaim loudly 'That's the Zulu mam I know' , I always questioned your sanity yazi( You know)."

"You know I am sane," she said as she laid her head on my shoulder.

"How far are you with the journal, is it helpful?" She asked looking at me, hoping to see the answer in my eyes before I uttered a word.

"I read some of the entries, some are mostly prayers but I got to the part where we started dating and his entries of what he thought about me."

"What did he think of you?"

"He thought I was drug," I said smiling lightly as I remembered reading that. It was the first sentence he wrote about me when he started Journaling about me.

'You are like my own personal drug. I can never get enough of you.'

"I love talking to you, like the good old days, please don't ever shut yourself out from the world," Yami said, her hand lightly placed on my cheek.