One who does.

Dear God

Maybe if I had let the fear sink in, we wouldnt have been together

Flashback

Two years in and I still couldn't get over the fact that this was my office, where I worked. It is normal to get tired of seeing the same things over several times especially , work.

But for me it was different, being at work was a constant reminder of the fact that what I worked hard for was finally paying, the investment my parents and I made was finally showing. Don't get me wrong I did get tired of work and the constant routine of waking up going to work and coming back home but in those moments of frustration there was a glimmer of pride and hope.

"Coffee break again?" Thanda, my work friend said. Thanda was a shy but outgoing woman, we met at work and clicked. She is the person I spend most of my time with at work but our friendship isn't only limited to work, we do meet up sometimes outside work but I can't help but think that if we had met under different circumstances other than work we wouldn't be friends.

"Girl needs her coffee," I said with a sigh as I turned around to see if my coffee was ready in the coffee machine.

"So much coffee can only mean you are anxious about something, what's up?"

"For someone as old as I am, is it normal to have relationship problems?"

"What do you mean relationship problems?Everybody has those."

"The kind of problems where you don't know what you are doing? Where you are headed?"

Thanda gave me the confused look.

I had expected that.

I don't even understand what I am saying at all, "We are courting each other, not like dating dating," I added trying to give her clue of what I was saying.

"Like the Bridgertone type of courting?"

"The Christian type."

She raised her eyebrow at me, her face had a frown and she stood there unmoving. She slowly walked towards me and stood in front of me as if staring at my face would help her confusion. "I have heard about it but I have never seen people actually doing it," she confessed. "Well now you know one," I said adding milk and sugar into my cup to avoid her eyes.

Why was she staring at me like that?

"Do you even know what you are doing?"

I shook my head at her and she just sighed and stood there with me in silence, "Maybe get some guidance from people who know about this, YouTube, books. To be honest I don't even know what to say because this is kind of unexpected."

"We are going to meet with a pastor tomorrow to get guidance, which is the reason for my anxiety."

"That's a good thing, isn't it?" She asked.

"It is, kind of."

"Kind of?"

How was I going to explain to her that I was afraid of the session because it might reveal to either one of us that we actually didn't want to be with each other and that our goals could be different. I did my research , read the comments on reddit, Quora and YouTube. This whole thing was deep, it needed people who were willing to go deep and I wasn't ready to do that. My heart wasn't ready to comprehend all of that. I just shrugged at her as I finished my cup of coffee and walked out the coffee room to my office.

I was quiet on our way to the church, there was a lot on my mind. I didn't have the energy to talk or even hold a conversation, Lonwabo gave up starting a conversation with me when all he got were on word answers. I wasn't trying to be rude but I wasn't going to pretend I was in the right mood to converse with him. We arrived and the church was empty, considering the fact that today was actually a Saturday and not a Sunday, we walked into the church and standing there made my stomach tie in knots, "Are you okay?" He asked me , this time holding my hand as he looked into my eyes. He was searching for an answer and maybe he was going to get it if my eyes could somehow play the images or memories that were playing in my head.

I nodded my head but he knew I was lying before he could interrogate me, the pastor greeted us as he approached us.

"I was shocked when I received your message seeking relationship guidance," Pastor Mvelase said with the warm wrinkles smile on his face.

"It's not everyday you get a young couple seeking advice on courting and relationships. Just to be sure you both are not yet getting married right?" He asked.

"Yes, not getting married," I said with a shaky breath.

"Yet," Lonwabo said emphasizing the yet. The Pastor Mvelase looked at me and it seemed like he could see through me but I just gave him a smile, a weak smile that obviously didn't help the situation.

"We want to understand the whole concept of courting and dating according to God's way, we are not married meaning there are boundaries that need to be set between us but we don't know what boundaries to set or not set except the no sex before marriage one," Lonwabo explained.

Did he have to say the no sex before marriage one, he just had to add to my anxiety and embarrassment, he makes it seem like we were looking into the possibility of doing that.

Pastor Mvelase chuckled, clearly amused by Lonwabo's straightforwardness. "That's a good start," he said, motioning for us to sit down on the wooden benches near the altar. "But courting isn't just about setting physical boundaries, it's about preparing your hearts and minds for a potential lifelong commitment under God's guidance."

I nodded, sipping on the bottle of water I had brought along. If my hands weren't occupied, I was sure I would be fidgeting with something by now.

"The world often confuses courting with dating, but the difference lies in intent," he continued. "Dating is often casual, people meet, they enjoy each other's company, but there's no clear goal. Courting, on the other hand, is intentional. It's about seeking God's will for your relationship and ensuring that if you do move forward, it's with a solid foundation in Christ."

I risked a glance at Lonwabo, who, unlike me, seemed completely at ease, nodding as if he had been waiting to hear this his entire life. Meanwhile, I was stuck on the part about 'if you do move forward.' What if we didn't?

"What kind of boundaries do we need to set?" I asked, my voice steadier than I felt. "Aside from the obvious, I mean."

Pastor Mvelase smiled knowingly. "Boundaries are not just about physical purity; they include emotional and spiritual boundaries as well. You need to be careful about how deeply you entangle your emotions, because premature emotional intimacy can be just as dangerous as physical intimacy. Are you praying together?"

I hesitated. We did, but not consistently. Sometimes we prayed before meals and sometimes after church. But a structured, intentional prayer life together? Not really. We always were together in a restaurant, the park or at an event so prayer didn't seem to fit into our time whenever we were together.

"Sometimes," Lonwabo admitted. "But not as often as we should."

"Then that's your first boundary," the pastor said. "A relationship centered on God requires prayer, not just individually but together. You need to bring your concerns, your fears, your desires before God as a couple. Because if you are not actively seeking Him together, you are just two people walking in different directions hoping to meet at the same destination."

That hit me harder than I expected. Walking in different directions. Was that what we were doing?

"Emotional boundaries," he continued, "are about guarding your heart. The Bible tells us in Proverbs 4:23 to 'guard your heart above all else, for it determines the course of your life.' You should not treat this relationship like a marriage before it actually is one. Meaning, be careful with how much of your deepest thoughts, struggles, and burdens you share. There is a difference between supporting each other and placing all your emotional weight on one another."

This is what I was afraid of, over-relying on Lonwabo and putting unnecessary pressure on him. It's one of the reasons I was reluctant to let him in.

"As for physical boundaries," he said, his eyes twinkling as if he had seen a thousand nervous couples like us before, "you already know the big one, no sex before marriage. But think beyond that. What situations put you in temptation? What environments make it harder to honor your commitment to purity?"

Lonwabo cleared his throat. "Uh… late nights alone together?"

I wanted to disappear. I really did. I didn't know that our late night rides or time alone put him in a difficult situation, I didn't think much about it, and when he says that I can't help but to go back to all the times when we were together alone and he just would put some distance between us.

Pastor Mvelase nodded. "Good. Be honest about your weaknesses and don't put yourselves in situations where it's easy to slip. Accountability is key."

I exhaled. This was a lot. Courting wasn't just 'not having sex.' It was intentional. Disciplined. Rooted in faith. And if I was being honest, it scared me.

"Last question," the pastor said, his voice gentle. "Why are you courting? Is it because you truly see this relationship leading to marriage, or is it just because you think it's the 'Christian' way to date?"

I swallowed hard. This was the question I had been dreading.

Lonwabo answered first. "I see a future with Pumpkin," he said without hesitation. "I don't know if God's plan aligns with my desires yet, but I want to be intentional about doing this the right way."

I felt his eyes on me, waiting for my answer. My throat was dry.

"I… I don't know," I admitted, looking down at my hands. "I want to do things right, but I'm scared. What if we are not meant to be together? What if we invest so much into this and then realize we are walking in different directions?"

Pastor Mvelase leaned forward, his gaze kind. "That's exactly why courting is important. It's not about forcing a relationship to work, it's about discovering if this is truly God's will for you both. If you are walking in different directions, wouldn't you rather find out now rather than years later?"

I nodded slowly. That made sense. Uncomfortable sense, but sense nonetheless.

The pastor smiled. "Then take it step by step. Pray, set your boundaries, seek wise counsel. And trust that if this is God's plan, He will make it clear in His time."

"This might be a silly question but what do you suggest we do together as a couple besides the obvious going out on dates and doing the latter?"

"Good question," Pastor Mvelase said with a gentle smile. "Well there isn't a set thing you can do together, you know what you like to do together, there are so many activities you can do out there in the world together. If you want something that can be intimate you can try cooking together, long walks, picnics , volunteering there is so much to do together and it will help you see if you could actually be in a marriage with each other."

As we walked out of the church, Lonwabo reached for my hand, squeezing it gently. "That wasn't so bad, was it?"

I exhaled a laugh. "Says the guy who wasn't having an existential crisis in there."

He chuckled. "At least now we have a roadmap."

I smiled, feeling lighter than when I walked in. Maybe, just maybe, this whole courting thing wasn't about having all the answers,it was about trusting the One who did.