End of Everything (Intro) - Chapter 21

I've arrived home.

Or, I've arrived at a home belonging to Kiyomi Otonashi's home. 

But that Kiyomi Otonashi is not me.

The me that I am and the Kiyomi Otonashi that I am aren't the same person.

It's as if I've hijacked this person's entire life.

Oddly, I don't feel an ounce of remorse for my thievery.

I know that my actions are wrong—

That by existing, I am in the wrong—

It's not as if I'm doing it on purpose. It was Kagami who brought this fate upon me. So I can't be in the wrong, right?

What would the Kiyomi of this world, this existence, be doing now? How would his interaction with Olympia have played out? Would he have been labeled a coward just like I was initially? Or was Kiyomi simply a far better person than I?

This Kiyomi could be a person worthy of becoming friends with Olympia.

I had to cheat life to get another chance to become her friend.

In other words, I lied to her.

I let her think that I was the Kiyomi of her world and grew close to her.

But in reality.

I stole his spot.

I withheld the truth from her.

The funny thing is:

I'm doing the same to the Olympia of this world.

I know that this is wrong.

I know that my very existence is wrong—

A lie—

Fake—

But what else am I supposed to do?

If I were to kill myself, would I then be free? 

I get up from my bed and head to my restroom. Oh, did I never mention that my room has its own restroom? Well, now you know.

I sit on top of the toilet seat and continue talking to myself, talking to a fake.

I have a memory when I was quite young that I think about frequently.

I was in elementary school, and it was lunchtime.

The entire school didn't share a lunchtime. Specific grades went at a specific time.

But in each grade I was in, I always sat by myself.

Well, that's just another lie. Or perhaps it's better to say it isn't the full truth. 

There was a specific area where students had to sit during lunchtime, so naturally, I was surrounded by my entire grade.

But—

No one spoke to me—

No one cared for me—

No one noticed me—

It was as if I didn't exist. Like I was nothing more but an observer watching all those snot-nosed idiots spew crap out of their mouths.

I say this, but in all honesty, I wish that I could've been included.

Those people who surrounded me, who made up a portion of my world, were nothing but idiots.

But Kagami is right: I'm nothing but a fool.

Different—

Yet similar—

Why couldn't any of them offer me to join in on their fun?

I know I'm not the most social person.

I know I'm not the most fun person.

I know I'm not the kindest person.

But, if they gave me a chance, certainly I would've changed, right?

I would've become a more lively person and have people to talk with all the time, right?

It's their fault that I'm who I am.

It's their fault that I haven't changed.

I wonder: does Olympia even care for me?

Not just the Olympia of this world.

Not just the Olympia of the previous world.

Not just the original Olympia I first spoke to.

But every Olympia that can exist.

Are they all fucking with me? Is her kindness genuine? Or is she playing some sort of prank on me? She's the most popular person in our school. She couldn't have risen to the top without pushing others down.

What elementary school did she go to? Could she have been one of those people who disregarded me? Treated me as if I didn't exist.

What if that is the case?

What if the Olympia that I've met only approached me, not to mess with me, but simply out of pity?

I know that Olympia isn't a mean person. I know that. I do. Even the anxious, self-loathing part of me doesn't believe that she's truly rotten to the core.

But could she approach me, interact with me, become my friend, become someone I love, solely out of pity?

Gross—

Something wet just dripped down my cheek.

Something wet just dripped down my arm.

Why am I like this?

Why am I such a loser?

I can't always blame all my problems on other people. I need to take accountability.

But… Why is it so hard to do so?

Why is it so easy to be weak?

How can Olympia be so strong, so kind, all the time?

I wish I were like her—

I wish I were more like her—

I can't be her—

Sadly, I'm me—

But that can change, right? 

The person I once was isn't who I currently am.

But is the person I am now a worse person than who I once was?

The question I should be asking isn't:

Have I changed?

What I should ask myself is:

Have I become a better person?

How many seconds in eternity?

After all the seconds I've spent living, I've done nothing but pass by lazily. Doing nothing; doing something that doesn't affect anything. Every action taken is always half-assed. Staring down at my feet as I walk to avoid looking at others, to avoid acknowledging others. When a mirror is nearby, I avoid looking at myself so often that when I do look into a mirror, it's as if I'm looking at a stranger. It's gotten so bad that I genuinely forget that I'm me. Sometimes, it feels like I'm nothing more than a blob of consciousness traversing around. The person in the mirror, when I do look at it, is that me? I know that in this world exists a person, a fool, named Kiyomi Otonashi. But I don't believe that that person is me. And now, thanks to this curse, this wish, that person isn't me. I'm an impostor who stole Kiyomi Otonashi's place in the world. If I could give it back to him, I wouldn't. I know that if I did, I would have to face an unknown fate. With this wish, life is practically guaranteed. I can't die. Or I can't fully die. Hey, possible readers, do you trust me? Do you trust that by this time, I've only died twice? Do you believe that? I guess Kagami is right, after all. Sometimes, I guess. I'm not as big of a liar as Kagami, but even I don't share the full truth. Do you think the sob story I shared is even the full truth? What if that story was entirely fabricated just to make you guys sympathize with me? Are you sure I've even died at all? Are you sure that these past twenty chapters even occurred? What if I just pulled all of this out of my ass. Does a Kagami Shikocha even exist? Does a Kumiko Kikunaga even exist? Does an Emanon even exist? Does an Olympia Ventura even exist? Does a Kiyomi Otonashi even exist? This whole story that I've been sharing, what if it's ramblings from nothing more than some lazy, grotesque, weeb loser who has nothing better to do with his life? He probably took over a year to write a measly twenty chapters. He's most definitely more of a loser than I am. The one you should be feeling pity for isn't me, but him. You should stop reading. This story isn't going to get any better. The writing isn't going to get any better. Nothing is going to get any better.

This sucks.