The Hospitality Is Killing Me

I wake up in a place I should never be.

My first thought is: I should be dead.

My second thought is: Why the hell am I smelling lavender?

And my third thought?

Oh, no. Oh, no no no.

I am inside a room filled with stained glass, incense, and the suffocating aura of holy magic.

I am in a church.

I take stock of my situation.

Location: Unknown Holy Church.

Condition: Wounded, weak, and disgustingly alive.

Body Check: Limbs intact, face still devilishly handsome (but slightly bruised).

Magic Status: Sealed.

Escape Route: Non-existent.

I am trapped in enemy territory.

This is bad.

This is very bad.

Before I can process how utterly screwed I am, the door creaks open.

A young nun walks in, carrying a bowl of steaming soup.

She looks exactly like the type of person I cannot deal with right now.

Big eyes. Soft smile. Pure aura. The kind of person who rescues injured rabbits and believes in the power of love and kindness.

I hate her already.

"Oh! You're awake!" she says cheerfully. "How are you feeling?"

Like I want to jump out of the nearest window.

Instead of saying that, I grunt.

She misinterprets my silence as shyness. "You're lucky! You were found just outside the village, and Father Aldric healed you!"

Healed me.

A high priest healed me.

With holy magic.

I do not have the time to unpack how much that should have burned me alive.

She sits beside me, offering the soup. "Here, this will help!"

I take the bowl with the grace of someone accepting a live grenade.

I sniff it.

I squint at it.

I pretend to sip it.

And then she drops the worst possible news.

"You're lucky to be here! If the Inquisition had found you first, they might've thought you were a heretic!"

THE INQUISITION?!

New Priority: GET OUT

I immediately reassess my situation.

I am not just in a random church.

I am in a church connected to the INQUISITION.

If they find out who I am—

I will be tortured, exorcised, and executed.

Not necessarily in that order.

I force a weak smile.

"Oh, wow, the Inquisition, huh? Haha. Haha. What a… comforting presence."

The nun giggles. "I know, right? They're just so thorough!"

I am going to die.

I need to leave.

Now.

The moment the nun leaves, I hobble to the door.

I reach for the handle—

ZZZZT!

Holy energy shocks me so hard I nearly bite my tongue.

I stumble back, glaring.

The door is warded.

Of course it is.

Fine. Windows it is.

I turn to the nearest stained-glass window.

It's a massive, colorful depiction of a radiant angel smiting a demon.

The demon looks suspiciously like me.

I do not take this as a good sign.

I limp over, press my hand against the glass—

ZZZZT!

I get blasted across the room.

Great. The windows are warded too.

I drop to my knees, panting.

Fine.

If I can't go through doors or windows, I'll just dig my way out.

I press my hands against the wooden floor, summoning what little magic I have left—

And the floor glows.

A giant holy sigil activates.

A chorus of angels' voices fills the room.

A heavenly force SLAMS me face-first into the floorboards.

I am now fully planking against my will.

I would like to formally submit a complaint to the architect of this hellhole.

As I am lying face-down, contemplating my life choices, the door opens again.

A man steps inside.

He is old, tall, and wrapped in pure white robes. His aura is so blindingly holy that I feel physically ill.

This is Father Aldric.

A high priest.

An exorcist.

And—probably the man who can tell I am NOT human.

He approaches, his footsteps soft but terrifying.

"Ah," he says. "You are awake."

I try to sit up with dignity.

I fail.

I just kind of roll over like a dying fish.

Father Aldric stares at me.

I stare back.

Silence.

Then he smiles.

I do not trust that smile.

"Child," he says gently, "tell me… what is your name?"

…Crap.

I cannot use my real name.

So I use the greatest weapon in my arsenal.

Bullshit.

I put on my best confused, amnesiac look.

"I… I don't remember," I rasp, voice hoarse.

Father Aldric hums. "Memory loss? Understandable. You were gravely injured."

He actually buys it.

"Where… am I?" I whisper.

"You are in Silvercross Abbey. A holy sanctuary," he explains.

Holy sanctuary.

Translation: the worst possible place I could be.

But I keep up my weak, helpless act.

"Why… did you save me?" I ask, like a grateful little idiot.

He smiles again. "It is the duty of the Church to heal those in need."

…Sure.

That and making sure those 'in need' aren't secretly demons.

Father Aldric studies me for a long time, as if searching for something.

I do not move.

Then, he nods.

"You must rest," he says. "The Inquisition will be arriving soon to inspect the village. I will inform them of you."

What.

WHAT.

NO. NO, YOU WILL NOT.

I internally start screaming.

I have 24 hours before the Inquisition arrives.

If they find out who I am—

I am dead.