Five

Love is a huge gamble because you don't know how the game will end. It's not always a happily ever after. You can love anyone you want, but don't expect them to love you back the same way you want to be loved. The truth is, love is a minefield of uncertainty, a landscape where assumptions can lead to heartbreak. I'd built walls around my heart, brick by careful brick, and I was not ready to tear them down again. Not for him, not for anyone. The constant push and pull of our dynamic, the way he blurred the lines between friendship and something more, it was a dangerous game he was playing. And I was determined not to be a pawn in it.

Like any gamble, you have to wager something, things you might lose. Love demands a high stake; it could be your heart, or losing the person you love. And that's where I struggle. I couldn't bring myself to gamble because I didn't know if I could risk my heart, or risk losing my friendship with Yuhan. I just sighed, letting my thoughts drift.

"Hey, get off me, you're heavy," I repeated, nudging Yuhan.

"Why? You used to love me being on top of you," he retorted, chuckling.

I blushed at his remark, the memory of our first encounter flooding back. Yes, we had been intimate before. Not just once, but many times. A week after meeting Kit and Yuhan's friends, Yuhan and I met up again. We went bar hopping, drinking and laughing, and I had a lot of fun. We both got drunk, really drunk. The night ended with us having sex in his family's condo in QC. After that, we hung out together for several months, going out almost every night. We were, in essence, fuck buddies. That arrangement ended when I realized I was developing feelings for him. A realization that scared me more than anything.

"You're so full of it!" I exclaimed, my voice laced with exasperation. I then felt a hard object pressing against my back as he remained on top of me. "Yuhan, get off!" I said more firmly, and I quickly rolled away from him, my heart pounding in my chest. I knew that if I let him have his way, we'd end up in another romantic entanglement, something I was desperately trying to avoid because it would only make it harder for me to escape the feelings I had for him.

"Hahaha, it just misses you," he said, pointing to the bulge in his shorts with a mischievous grin.

"You're a pervert."

"That's fine, as long as you let me be a pervert with you."

"I thought you were going to be good."

He just laughed and went to his closet. He pulled out a pair of his shorts and a t-shirt and handed them to me. Wearing men's clothes wasn't a problem for me. In fact, I was more comfortable in them, often wearing them around the house.

"Here, get changed before I can't control myself and ravish you," he said with a playful smirk.

I took the clothes he offered and went to the bathroom in his room to change and take a quick shower. I needed a moment to myself, a chance to compose myself and push down the rising tide of emotions that threatened to overwhelm me. The shower was a welcome escape, the warm water washing away the lingering tension and the remnants of our playful banter. I stood under the spray, letting the water cascade over me, trying to clear my mind and regain some semblance of control. I knew I couldn't keep playing this game with him, this push and pull, this constant blurring of lines. It was too dangerous, too emotionally draining. I needed to establish some boundaries, to create some distance, to protect myself from the inevitable heartbreak that awaited me if I allowed myself to get too close.

I stared at the bathroom door, watching as Kyla disappeared inside to take a shower.

I couldn't explain the smile that stretched across my face. I felt like I had lost my mind, like I was acting completely out of character. I thought I had managed to get my way with her earlier. It had been a while since we were last intimate. She was a phenomenal partner, unlike anyone I had ever been with. That's why we had become fuck buddies in the first place. But that was a long time ago. Lately, whenever I tried to initiate anything, she would decline, always offering some excuse. I didn't know what had changed, but I accepted it, content with our renewed friendship. And that was better than what sex had to offer, right?

Just friends? a small voice in my head whispered. I had been avoiding that question for days now. Something felt different, something had shifted within me. I wasn't the same around Kyla anymore.

I hesitated to delve too deeply into these thoughts, afraid of what I might discover.

Kyla was the complete opposite of my ideal woman. Physically, she was attractive enough, with a certain charm, but not conventionally sexy. I knew she was sexually adventurous, very sexually active. She would be intimate with anyone if she felt like it. That was the impression I had of her when we first got together. And my ideal woman was someone faithful, someone I could trust. Someone who was ready for commitment. And with Kyla's high libido and sexual aggressiveness, I could easily see her kissing some random guy at a bar even if she had a boyfriend. Not to mention that she had a sort of allergy to commitment. She had told me stories that proved that. But despite all that, I guess I was still getting attracted to her, or was it more accurate to say that I was falling in love with my former fuck buddy? The thought sent a shiver down my spine, a mix of excitement and apprehension. It was a dangerous territory, a place where I had vowed never to tread again. But here I was, standing at the edge of the precipice, wondering if I had the courage to jump.

I shook my head, dismissing the thought. I couldn't believe how close Kyla and I had become. So close that I even shed some tears when I saw her furious with me earlier. It was a strange and unsettling feeling, a vulnerability I hadn't experienced in a long time. I laughed silently, remembering my reaction. Even though I constantly teased Kyla, we had never reached a point where she was so genuinely angry with me. I didn't know why I couldn't stop the tears from falling. All I knew was that I felt genuinely terrible about myself in that moment.

My reverie was interrupted when the bathroom door opened, and Kyla emerged, dressed in her pajamas. I immediately stood up and grabbed a change of clothes from my closet, ready to take my turn in the shower. I needed a moment to myself, a chance to process the whirlwind of emotions that had been swirling within me. I needed to wash away the lingering tension, to clear my head, to find some semblance of clarity in the midst of this emotional chaos. The bathroom, with its promise of warm water and solitude, beckoned like a sanctuary, a place where I could retreat and gather my thoughts.

I had seen Yuhan naked countless times, but I still couldn't stop myself from staring when he emerged from the bathroom. I noticed the droplets of water clinging to his toned chest, his arms raised as he dried his hair with a towel, revealing the defined muscles in his arms and the dark hair under his armpits. The sculpted abs on his stomach, with a trail of hair leading down to his groin, were also impossible to ignore. I swallowed hard and forced myself to look away, focusing on the TV. I saw from the corner of my eye that he put on his boxers. That was all he ever wore to bed. He briefly combed his hair and then joined me on the bed.

"Did you finish all the cookies?" Yuhan asked.

"Huh? Oh, n-not yet. I p-put the fridge in the cookies," I stammered.

"Hahahaha, what?"

"I mean, I put the cookies in the fridge," I corrected myself, my words still jumbled because I was still recovering from what I had just seen. "Let's go to sleep," I said, turning my back to him and lying down.

Yuhan grabbed the remote and turned off the TV and the lights. I felt him lie down next to me. I closed my eyes and tried to fall asleep. After a few minutes, I felt Yuhan wrap his arms around me from behind.

"Kyla? Are you still awake?" Yuhan whispered in my ear.

"Hmmm..." I mumbled in response.

"I have a question."

"Hmmm..." I groaned again, already drifting off to sleep.

"Don't you want to have a partner? A boyfriend?"

"Why are you asking?" I replied, my voice laced with sleepiness and a hint of annoyance.

"Just wondering. Are you happy with just one-night stands?"

His question hung in the air, a sharp contrast to the comfortable silence that had enveloped us just moments before. It was a question that poked at the core of my being, a question I had been avoiding for too long. His words, though spoken softly, sent a jolt through me, snapping me out of my sleepy haze. The casualness in his tone did not hide the underlying seriousness of his inquiry. I had to choose how to answer him, and I knew that whatever I said would alter the mood of the room, and maybe our relationship.